How to go on in your life after Divorce??

[peacechild4]

Everything is settling down for me.. have a holiday planned at the end of the month with two of the children.. visiting my sister who unfortunately is now having problems in her marriage.. sigh..

Ohhh the evenings.. I am seriously beginning to detest them and enjoy going to bed just so I can dream.. just kids and me.. and not much else.. sigh.. I am on the internet a fair bit.. a few faithful friends who keep in touch..

I don't work outside the house becaus I am disabled.. I really need something more to put my time and effort into.. but I don't know what..

I have prayed a long time for something good to happen.. and although GOD has so wonderfully brought me through my marriage breaking down.. its hard to be hopeful for my future.. though I know GOD is with me..

 

[McScribe]

I'm sorry. It's hard. Praying for you. I try to keep myself busy. It's hard to keep the faith but God is good.

 

[peacechild4]

Thank you.. you know.. just saying something.. responding.. caring enough to notice.. means something.. I have always been so strong in faith.. but lately.. sigh.. GOD is good.. HE never changes thankfully.. bless you for being here..

 

[Autumnleaf]

Is there something you can fill your evenings with that involves doing something you like with people you like to be around?

 

[iambren]

I'm stuck in grief-mode; every time I think I'm getting over her something throws me off track. Baffles me because I have had other love relationships that I healed from in about a year.

One hard thing is that as Christians we are encouraged to have a sensitive, loving heart. Well, it's hard to kill a part of your heart, to learn to quit feeling caring thoughts when you are trying to get rid of the love you had for a partner.

Children are another factor that keeps you in touch with that person. Sometimes I fantasize about leaving the state, start a new life, and not let anyone know where I live. BUT, I love my two boys, they are my life, yet are unfortunately connected to her.

Honestly, what's so hard about choosing to love, forgiving, living a life pleasing to God and making a marriage/family work?

 

[peacechild4]

I'm stuck in grief-mode; every time I think I'm getting over her something throws me off track. Baffles me because I have had other love relationships that I healed from in about a year.

One hard thing is that as Christians we are encouraged to have a sensitive, loving heart. Well, it's hard to kill a part of your heart, to learn to quit feeling caring thoughts when you are trying to get rid of the love you had for a partner.

Children are another factor that keeps you in touch with that person. Sometimes I fantasize about leaving the state, start a new life, and not let anyone know where I live. BUT, I love my two boys, they are my life, yet are unfortunately connected to her.

Honestly, what's so hard about choosing to love, forgiving, living a life pleasing to God and making a marriage/family work?

Yes thats exactly it..

My ex asked me for a meal a few days ago.. I refused.. ohhh the battle in me.. because we are still friends.. but I cannot be around him yet I want to be.. I still feel so much.. not always sure it is just him or that I miss the intimacy of a man around me.. or what.. to knock him back when its all I want is murder.. but I suffer when I am around him.. and then he goes on with his life and me with mine.. He is like.. what???? Is it true men can do the deed.. and then just forget the woman.. surely tell me a man cares enough about a woman after??? I know if I get around him sure enough.. It will end with heart break again and again every time..

I just see brother that if things are a blessing.. bring peace.. we need to strive to do them.. things that hold us back.. including people.. we have to shake the dust from our shoes.. tell GOD it hurts and let HIM carry all that..

Sure we have to do certain things because of our kids.. but I have to let my head rule.. no matter how it feels..

 

[peacechild4]

Is there something you can fill your evenings with that involves doing something you like with people you like to be around?

I am yet to find it.. but surely there is something more.. thanks for commenting.. your right though..

 

[5kidmom]

Sometimes it is hard, somedays not as much. I find I am really trying to reconnect with/do stuff that the ex never wanted to do. With the kids I don't go out a lot, but when he does take them, I try to go out with a friend for dinner, shopping, or just out. I am re-reading a lot of my old favourites and the old classics, and some new ones. When I don't have the kids, I am really trying to take advantage of the alone time and spend more time in the word and prayer. I've slacked on that lately, and need to get back there.

Like iambren said,it seems counter-intuitive, and it is hard, more so on some days.

I am finding I really need to guard my thoughts, words and feelings when we are together with the kids. It is so easy to slip into comfortable patterns with each other. Which even baffles me more, because our separation was so highly volatile at the beginning.

 

[peacechild4]

Your doing well sis.. I have been walking a bit more but I have not found my social side yet.. I put on relationships stress weight too I think but the walking helps ..

((Hugs)) to all who are facing this..

 

[McScribe]

You too. I think the social thing is important, because it helps you question the feeling that you are unlikable or unlovable.

 

[peacechild4]

Yes.. I do feel that.. unlikable and unlovable.. well at least I am not strange in all that I am feeling... in that you feel it too.. I hope this doesn't sound vain.. but I know I have a beautiful spirit.. when I am postive and all.. but I don't know I guess being over 40 now.. and having kids.. its so hard to think of being alone and possibly entering the dating game again.. I mean I was in my teens when I dated.. I mean now.. I am older.. There is a social group for over 40's in my city.. but I don't know.. I guess all this makes me feel so old too.. sorry a bit of a whinge..

 

[FaithPrevails]

It's all about finding the "new kind of normal" in our lives. Volunteering for an organization that is meaningful to you is a good way to get out and be somewhat social AND give back to the community - without the stress/pressure of trying to get back into the dating scene.

In fact, I highly DIScourage trying to get back into the dating scene. It is counter-intuitive b/c it takes the focus off ourselves and our kids. Ironic for me to say, I know, since I am remarried. But, I can assure you that I was absolutely 110% NOT looking to get into a relationship when I met my husband. lol

Take the time to re-define what makes you YOU. Pursue the things that you can pursue that you never had the option to do previously - if you can now.

For anyone who is stuck in the grief process, it is important to understand what is causing you to be stuck and to explore how you might be able to move on/forward. It can be a difficult and painful process. But, there is light at the end of that tunnel.

peacechild - I think it's good that you are creating a boundary with your ex and guarding your heart as needed. He may not understand it, but hopefully he respects it.

&

 

[peacechild4]

It's all about finding the "new kind of normal" in our lives. Volunteering for an organization that is meaningful to you is a good way to get out and be somewhat social AND give back to the community - without the stress/pressure of trying to get back into the dating scene.

In fact, I highly DIScourage trying to get back into the dating scene. It is counter-intuitive b/c it takes the focus off ourselves and our kids. Ironic for me to say, I know, since I am remarried. But, I can assure you that I was absolutely 110% NOT looking to get into a relationship when I met my husband. lol

Take the time to re-define what makes you YOU. Pursue the things that you can pursue that you never had the option to do previously - if you can now.

For anyone who is stuck in the grief process, it is important to understand what is causing you to be stuck and to explore how you might be able to move on/forward. It can be a difficult and painful process. But, there is light at the end of that tunnel.

peacechild - I think it's good that you are creating a boundary with your ex and guarding your heart as needed. He may not understand it, but hopefully he respects it.

&

Thank you for your support.. I love that you met your husband that way.. thats very precious.. and actually very helpful to me.. to just live and enjoy my life as is..

Thank you for your personal support on the boundary thing.. I should have set them years ago.. but it is good that I do it now and I believe he does and will respect me more for it..

God bless you..

 

[Steffenfield]

This is how I have managed to cope through my own, personal experiences.

Be given the sudden notice, out of nowhere, to leave my home and being thankful for this.

Handing over the deed to our house on the day of my birthday with smiles.

Enjoying the fact she was engaged the same month of our divorce.

Finding happiness that she's now with a person I used to think as a friend.

Loving the fact our home is now sold and she's living in another state that I just found out a few days ago.

Finding comfort in my continued nightmares of being abandoned and appreciating my insomnia.

Constantly trying to think of one bad day with her only to come up empty.

Praising God that she's already remarried now.

Embracing the idea on having all of the 50 plus people who are now suddenly gone from my life in addition to her.

It also helps if you search online and read the horrible garbage about yourself, most of which is not even true.

The real trick though is not allowing your brain to carry on of such things, like today, reminding you that this would have been your 8th anniversary on August 23rd and the first time you're no longer married.

I hope this helps.

 

[Conservativation]

For men stuck in this....if you can do so, I recommend moving into an apartment. You will meet people, you will have low responsibility for stuff like mowing etc. And you can do things you had stopped doing, get the movies you like, read when you want, listen to your old favorite music....LOUD if that pleases you....go with friends when invited, even if you dont feel like it....get OUT of the house so to speak. Play a sport golf or tennis of something not requiring a team, OR join a team, I think it may be different for men, I wouldnt recommend volunteering, if your heart is broken, its OK that you are not ready to give...I understand all the counter arguments that thats exactly when we should give the most....this unique circumstance of divorce I dont find it so. In fact Id be a little selfish, except with kids if you have'em...give give give to them

 

[peacechild4]

This is how I have managed to cope through my own, personal experiences.

Be given the sudden notice, out of nowhere, to leave my home and being thankful for this.

Handing over the deed to our house on the day of my birthday with smiles.

Enjoying the fact she was engaged the same month of our divorce.

Finding happiness that she's now with a person I used to think as a friend.

Loving the fact our home is now sold and she's living in another state that I just found out a few days ago.

Finding comfort in my continued nightmares of being abandoned and appreciating my insomnia.

Constantly trying to think of one bad day with her only to come up empty.

Praising God that she's already remarried now.

Embracing the idea on having all of the 50 plus people who are now suddenly gone from my life in addition to her.

It also helps if you search online and read the horrible garbage about yourself, most of which is not even true.

The real trick though is not allowing your brain to carry on of such things, like today, reminding you that this would have been your 8th anniversary on August 23rd and the first time you're no longer married.

I hope this helps.

It makes me feel sad, angry and hurt for you and that this happened to you.. hmm why is it that people choose sides in all this.. I would say there is nothing nice in all that my friend..

My dad had a mental break down the day i went to court.. the police had to take him away.. sigh.. he is the most gentle man on earth I would reckon this is so not him..

Just one thing after another thing for our family.. it sucks.. but some people say.. if only I did not give up.. sheesh.. umm hello he walked away.. ohh but if you only kept believing.. not good if your dead.. because it was killing me, destroying me.. sucking the life out of me trying to believe and hold onto this.. Though I wanted too..

Why why why.. does these things happen to nice people.. every person who got the bad end.. got left, got cheated on.. got nothing.. lost their kids.. houses.. self-esteem.. friends.. etc etc.. are lovely lovely kind hearted people...

I just love you all.. you can all come and live with me lol and my kids... I know why GOD is building a house with many rooms in heaven... its going to be cool one day.. no hurting.. no pain.. no failure there.. and everyone is going to live together happy.. no broken relationships.. cannot wait.. It seriously sucks just surviving as a single parent alone.. night after night.. but I love my kids.. I am glad I get to have them nearly all the time.. I get lots of hugs and kisses..

 

[nhisname]

Everything is settling down for me.. have a holiday planned at the end of the month with two of the children.. visiting my sister who unfortunately is now having problems in her marriage.. sigh..

Ohhh the evenings.. I am seriously beginning to detest them and enjoy going to bed just so I can dream.. just kids and me.. and not much else.. sigh.. I am on the internet a fair bit.. a few faithful friends who keep in touch..

I don't work outside the house becaus I am disabled.. I really need something more to put my time and effort into.. but I don't know what..

I have prayed a long time for something good to happen.. and although GOD has so wonderfully brought me through my marriage breaking down.. its hard to be hopeful for my future.. though I know GOD is with me..

I don't know how long you were married or how long divorced but it does get easier with time. The anger, heartache, and depresssion
are part of the grieving procession. I was married 36 almost 37 years. I've been alone 2.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Thank you for your support.. I love that you met your husband that way.. thats very precious.. and actually very helpful to me.. to just live and enjoy my life as is..

Thank you for your personal support on the boundary thing.. I should have set them years ago.. but it is good that I do it now and I believe he does and will respect me more for it..

God bless you..

I've seen so much growth in you as you have gone through this. You should be proud of yourself, sis. God has done great things in your life and I firmly believe He will continue to reveal even more greatness as you continue to lean on Him.

 

[Nanopants]

Divorce... ugh... been there done that. It's been nearly 4 years for me and I never totally got over it. Not that I'm still in love with my ex, but something about marriage just changes you forever. So I've just been hobbling along.

I think one thing that has been helpful in my life is the Lord's attempts to 'remove' my singleness from me. My only problem is that I can let myself stew in my misery and effectively screw up everything that He has planned.

 

[peacechild4]

The days go by and I think and wonder how he is.. I hardly ever hear from him anymore ever.. I cried tonight.. Its still all there.. Its funny I get nothing but still I care.. I have been thinking of how far apart we are now further then ever before.. and yet it doesn't seem to matter... the feelings.. sigh.. so I turn to GOD.. and pray it out of me.. lifting up to GOD all of it and praying it out.. Not knowing why.. or why he is on my heart so much lately.. but praying for him just the same.. I feel that is the only way to deal with it.. asking GOD why and if its there for a reason just lift him up to GOD.. letting myself cry.. we were together 18 years.. and had five kids.. one in heaven.. sigh..

Its holidays here now.. two weeks of school break.. I often wonder is his wondering about us.. his kids.. me ever.. he is not good at organising time with them.. supposed to organise it with me.. asked him many times.. please let me know before hand when your going to have them.. they like to know and plan for it.. I like to know and plan for it.. nothing.. sigh...