I see that you wrote this a while ago, and you only got one reply, which didn't help you. I imagine the situation has not improved, unless you did some research. This is what I would have told you then, and it still applies. One of the most crucial keys to successful parenting is that the children must respect their parents. By this I mean that the parents are the AUTHORITY in their children's lives, not grandparents or any other family members. And that they are to listen to their parents above any and all others. That the parents determine what the children learn ab1out life and how to behave, in and outside of the home. The parent's make the rules and set the boundaries. This is the parent's God-given right and responsivity. What the parents say overrules anything else. The parent's teach their children what is proper, acceptable behavior and what is unacceptable behavior. Children addressing a parent by their first name is completly disrespectful and unacceptable behavior. The grandparents do not have any right to teach children to ever disrespect mom or dad.
As the parent, any other relative has an obligation to reinforce the fact that you, not them, are the authority in your child's life. Any relative is to defer to you when it comes to any aspect of you being the parent or how you raise your child. What you described is a gross case of disrespect from your mom to you and to teach it to your children makes it twice as bad.
Of course, you and your mom do not have a good relationship, which is what it is. But this situation goes far and away beyond that. And the relationship between the two of you should not have any bearing on your authority. Many people erroneously believe that because this is my "mom" or "dad," I am obligated to put up with or allow unacceptable behavior on their part. THAT IS NOT TRUE!
And believe it or not, you have the power to control your mom! Not with direct confrontation, but with the amount of time she gets to spend with your kids! You have total control over that. You determine how much time your kids get to spend with grandma or none at all!
Your mom crossed a line that she shouldn't have crossed! Her actions show she has no respect for you, and that doesn't fly! From this point on, I would make a list of the many. different ways she has taught the children to behave towards you or allowed unacceptable behavior, or broke your rules. Be strong and remember, your kids spending time with her is a privilege and not a right! In a neutral voice, don't allow her to interrupt you, read the list to her, tell her this is unacceptable behavior on her part, andd she is affecting the relationship between you and your children. Tell her that you will give her time to think about, but from this point on, any unaceptable behavior on her part will prevent you from "allowing" her to spend time with your kids. Emphasize and to her, that it is by your permission that she gets to see her grandkids. And that you will get back to her in a month to see if she has decided to change! End the conversation at that point and leave. Do not engage in any discussion wih her. don't even answer the phone. and tell her she is not allowed to show up unannounced And for a month, don't allow your kids to see her or talk to her on the phone. This may sound mean or extreme, but she is in the wrong, not you! That should do the trick, but, if after you allow your kids to see her, and she breaks one of your rules, make sure you have told her what your rules are for any visitation or time spent together, make the next time gap 2 months. She has to see that you are gong to stand your ground.
As an added bonus, you can tell your kids the situation. But you can also explain to them the things you don't like about their speech or behavior at home and they have a month to make things right, show you respect, obey you, or even if the month passes and things haven't changed at home, well,you don't have to let them se grandma!
