How to forgive someone who doesn't care to be forgiven?

[PCBeliever126]

Thank you all for your advice. I am feeling more of a forgiving spirit. This also scares me because I feel like I'm opening myself up for more heartache and pain. During the time I felt anger and resentment, my guard was up.

I have prayed to be able to look on both him and his girlfriend (mistress) with a heart of forgiveness. I acknowledge that vengence is not mine and I should not hope for him to suffer as a result of not being with his family.

Forgiving her is more difficult because I suspect she pursued him. He is not a "flirt". He had a crush on me for years and I had no idea until I initiated our first date. After seven years of being faithful, I think a younger woman pursued him, made him feel good about himself, and he was too weak to stand up for his marriage. His weakness and her disregard for family values led to where we are now.

Prior to filing the divorce papers, I would pray for both of them to see and follow the path God would rather them take. Finally, I decided I couldn't stay in limbo anymore waiting for them to do the right thing and this is when bitterness and resentment set in. It was difficult to pray for a while, but I am turning to God with all my questions and to seek His guidance. My ex-husband also is not a Christian. Please pray for his salvation. We'll call him "P".

 

[Lovely Jar]

Release the anger and the sense of betrayal you have toward your soon to be ex-husband for your sake. Not his.

You're angry because you think he found something in someone else that you lacked.

Well, of course he did. But that's not your fault and it isn't that you weren't enough for him as is. It is that he is not man enough to respect his wife.

I'd revel in the fact that taking that immoral character with him wherever he goes he'll then prove he's not man enough to respect his present strumpet of the moment either.

He doesn't want forgiveness? That tells you he's narcissistic and prideful. Thinking he's fully entitled to do as he likes without retribution or apology.

I'd send flowers to the strumpet along with a thank you note. Seriously. (I've done this when betrayed by an idiot in my life who fooled around on me and left for another woman)
When you have kids with this guy that woman knows he's always going to have reason to come back into your life. She's always going to be insecure about that because you were there first! And she is just a fallen woman who has agreed to be his distraction. She's not special. She's next on his castaway list.

Be happy! You no longer have to live with a man who shows you he can't be trusted to respect you and your children that you have together.
He doesn't want forgiveness? What does that tell you?

Congratulation! Now you can find a man you deserve. And he can live with himself and all that means.

Hi,
This is my first time posting. I have sought help from my minister and online prayer chats. I've prayed about this issue as well, but I seem to come back to the same feelings again and again.

...My husband (almost ex-husband) left me and our a daughter a year ago for another woman. He won't admit he left for another woman. He does admit he started the relationship during the time we were married, but claims we were in a "bad marriage". To make a long story short - I had no idea the marriage was so bad and we went through a couple attempts at reconciliation during the past year with him still seeing and/or communicating with this other woman the whole time. He says he tried, but "we just don't work". He has put my daughter and I through so much pain, but he has never apologized. He feels justified in all he has done and just when I think I'm reaching a point that I can let go of some of this hurt and anger, he does something else thoughtless or incredibly inconsiderate.

This man will be in my life for at least 11 more years as we have a 7 year old daughter together. For years, he was an extremely devoted parent and was involved in everything from after school activities to field trips. Now he'll go for a week without talking to our daughter and I let him because it's so difficult for me to talk to him or see him.

My question is - how do you forgive someone who doesn't want or care about being forgiven? How do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong, but who has harmed you and your child (and continues to do so)?

This hurt is eating me up inside and I don't know how to let go of it. I put on a happy face and try to instill positive thoughts in our daughter. Each night before going to bed, we look at our day and the things for which we are thankful. Having a positive, thankful attitude does help, but then my husband (I guess I should start saying ex-husband) does something or I hear about him out with friends and this woman; and I go right back to feeling hurt and unforgiving.

If anyone has any insight, please share with me. Thank you.

 

[PCBeliever126]

Haha! Lovely Jar, I love your response. That was just the kind of encouragement I needed. I did actually send the woman a facebook message about two months ago when I'd had enough. I basically told her "Congratulations, he's all yours now. I'm filing for divorce. I hope he treats you as well as he treated me."


And you are right. I do feel he found something in her that I lacked. Otherwise, he would have been able to give her up and would not have strayed in the first place. Whatever happens with their relationship, though, I now have the opportunity to move on and be happy.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Forgiving her is more difficult because I suspect she pursued him. He is not a "flirt". He had a crush on me for years and I had no idea until I initiated our first date. After seven years of being faithful, I think a younger woman pursued him, made him feel good about himself, and he was too weak to stand up for his marriage. His weakness and her disregard for family values led to where we are now.

Really?Are you serious?!! A part of forgiveness is telling the truth. If your ex hasn't told you why then you don't know. What you do know is that HE CHOSE. You can't heal blaming her and making excuses for him. They're both in it together. See it for what it really is and stand in the Truth of the Lord.

I'm sorry but it gets next to me when women make excuses for the infidelity of a now ex-husband like he's some kind of victim when he's not.To me it just keeps you open to their lies...

 

[PCBeliever126]

Wow, that's not the kind of post I expected when I logged in.

I'm not sure what I wrote that made you think I blame her and not him. I blame them both. I'm in no way excusing his behavior and he's definitely not a victim. He is a weak person who did not stand strong against temptation.

He became heavily involved with another woman and is still involved with her. I'm not staying open to his lies. He has no reason to lie as we are not together and he is not trying to get back together. I'm very aware of HIS CHOICE. He wants her, not me. With that said, what is there left to lie about?

With the strength of the Lord, I have carried myself and our daughter through this ordeal. We were a happy family of three that was destroyed by my husband's affair. I make no excuses for infidelity. It's no more excusable than any other sin.

 

[Scott1979]

This may have already been mentioned but I will say it anyway. My "father" did the exact thing to me and my mom. It's weird how alike these situations are because like your husband or ex husband (SORRY DON'T KNOW HOW YOU REFER TO HIM) is doing, my "father" felt like he did nothing wrong and was justified in his actions. The best advice I can give is to forgive him for yourself. He doesn't care what he did and is moving on with his life like nothing happened while you are being eaten alive with hurt, anger, etc. You have to think about yourself and your daughter. That is your world now. I'm not taking away from God here at all. I am just talking about what you are responsible for now when I say your world.

Another thing to is if you can forgive him in your heart and move on with your life he can't hurt you anymore. I don't know this man but I do know there are some cold people out there who will hurt others if they know they can. If every time you see or talk to this man he knows he can hurt you he might be enjoying that fact.

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Feel free to pm if you need someone to talk or vent to about this. God bless you and your daughter.

 

[humblewatchman]

I am sorry for the very deep pain and grief that you have been pulled into. It will some day be put to good use by the Lord who transforms all things into good, that were meant for our harm. You have received some positive advice, good words of the Lord's wisdom, and solid encouragement. But, you will have to filter out the resentment flavored advice that others have expressed from their own unresolved hurts.

There are two things that yet stand out in my heart;

1. You said "I had no idea the marriage was so bad". It appears that you did not see this coming, and still seem to not know why he wanted out. This means that you may have not yet taken responsibility for your part in the break.... even though you had counseling. I do not say this to cause you to feel at fault, but to help you see that you did have a role in it, and your future will be more secure if you learn from it. I know of a couple where the wife left (after 20+ years of marriage) and the husband said to me "I had no idea. I didn't see this coming" and she said that "is" the reason I left you. They had lost touch with each other's deeper emotions and deeper needs. He wasn't aware that he had begun taking her for granted, and she didn't communicate her needs well enough, and soon enough. It takes two to make a marriage and it takes two to break one apart. If this was a surprise to you, you lost touch with each other before this happened. We have to learn what our responsibility was/is in the breaking of any relationship in order to not repeat the same , and to help us understand and then forgive the other person. Without understanding him and why he started looking elsewhere (whether you like or agree with his feelings or not), it will be almost impossible to forgive.

2. You don't want to unintentionally create a co-partner of resentment with you, in your daughter. You will also want to beware of subconsciously using your daughter as an excuse to continue to resent him. The only way to protect her is by teaching her the right and holy way to process resentment and anger, and how to be generous with forgiveness and compassion, "through" understanding him and other people. Understanding him will take the bullet out of the gun, and in time....you will be able to put the gun down altogether (a year is not much time for healing this kind of grief and loss, as it is just like someone had died.) Keep in mind that you are the tone setter in your home....you will either feed, daughter's holiness or her demise. You will need to carefully choose what you say and know that your actions will speak just as loudly to her too. You might want to consider sharing some of the wise words spoken to you in the above responses in a warm and intimate conversation about what has happened. Tell her to give him time to work out what his new normal may be. He's off kilter, and cannot be judged during this turmoil. His history of kindness and involvement with her must frequently be brought up when he disappoints her, so that she can hang onto who her dad really is. If you lift him up to her and say kind and patient things about him, you will be lifting yourself up in her mind too. She will admire you for being strong and positive......and for taking the high road. Speak only the words that Jesus would speak to her regarding each event or situation, and you will raise a generous hearted young lady.