How to forgive someone who doesn't care to be forgiven?

[PCBeliever126]

Hi,
This is my first time posting. I have sought help from my minister and online prayer chats. I've prayed about this issue as well, but I seem to come back to the same feelings again and again.

...My husband (almost ex-husband) left me and our a daughter a year ago for another woman. He won't admit he left for another woman. He does admit he started the relationship during the time we were married, but claims we were in a "bad marriage". To make a long story short - I had no idea the marriage was so bad and we went through a couple attempts at reconciliation during the past year with him still seeing and/or communicating with this other woman the whole time. He says he tried, but "we just don't work". He has put my daughter and I through so much pain, but he has never apologized. He feels justified in all he has done and just when I think I'm reaching a point that I can let go of some of this hurt and anger, he does something else thoughtless or incredibly inconsiderate.

This man will be in my life for at least 11 more years as we have a 7 year old daughter together. For years, he was an extremely devoted parent and was involved in everything from after school activities to field trips. Now he'll go for a week without talking to our daughter and I let him because it's so difficult for me to talk to him or see him.

My question is - how do you forgive someone who doesn't want or care about being forgiven? How do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong, but who has harmed you and your child (and continues to do so)?

This hurt is eating me up inside and I don't know how to let go of it. I put on a happy face and try to instill positive thoughts in our daughter. Each night before going to bed, we look at our day and the things for which we are thankful. Having a positive, thankful attitude does help, but then my husband (I guess I should start saying ex-husband) does something or I hear about him out with friends and this woman; and I go right back to feeling hurt and unforgiving.

If anyone has any insight, please share with me. Thank you.

 

[Billy Bayou]

I can speak from experience here. In my opinion, it is wrong to forgive people who have not asked for it. This is known as "cheap grace". Grace is receiving something which we do not deserve. Eg. receiving salvation which we can never deserve but by God's "grace". Mercy is not receiving something that we do deserve. Eg. Mercy from eternal separation from God as punishment for our sin.

I have a bad habit of forgiving too easily. It is very cheap to give someone forgiveness if they don't ask for it, feel they deserve it or desire it. What we must do, however, is forgive them in the eyes of God, between God and ourselves. We still treat them polite and with etiquette.

God can then release you from the pain it causes you. You can put it behind you and move on. Yet in the eyes of God, they are not forgiven.

Christ will forgive anyone who repents and admits their sin and asks for forgiveness. But He still loves and cares for all, even if they haven't repented. Yet they are unforgiven and will pay for their sins with eternal death.

You can, give this pain to God, release yourself from it and begin to build your life and move on. There is no gain or glory to God to forgive him or to carry this load. Both are hurting you and your daughter. Your ex is not feeling the pain.

 

[BlunderAngel]

When a cheat demonstrates they can not keep true to their marriage vows, and especially when they have a child in the picture, it is very difficult to think they would accept responsibility for being that devastatingly selfish to wife and child.

Know first that his adultery is not your fault. Everything he did is his responsibility not yours.
How did I not see this coming? What did I do wrong?
These questions can eat us alive when we get blindsided and find out we were betrayed by someone we thought we could trust.
We feel stupid for not seeing it.

But cheats are very good liars. And they cheat because they have no faith in themselves.

I had a long time boyfriend end up cheating on me and it came out of the blue. I had no idea. And it turns out he was with a woman that had a nickname in her town; doorknob!
Because everyone got a turn.

Now that felt even worse because here he was cheating on me with the likes of that. Of all things!

What I did was write him a long letter. And this after we broke up and just after I saw him with her when they were on their way into a theater together.
I knew the old axiom is true then and yet it didn't stop the hurt. If they'll cheat with you they'll cheat on you.

Because the cheat is devoid of honor and character. They're selfish. And the cowards among them will blame their woman for "making" them cheat.
Right! Held a gun to your head and said, go forth and slag about risking STD's for yourself and the mantel of dishonor that will carry forth behind your name for as long as those you betrayed live to tell.

I took my time while sitting in a nice long bath. I wrote everything down. Picturing all that pain and upset flowing out of me and onto the paper. Because I deserved better than a cheat. And I certainly deserved better than to carry around the baggage of harboring ill feelings about someone that would never enter my life again.

And then when I was finished writing I took that bunch of papers and shredded them. Tiny little chips of paper falling like snow into a clean wastebasket underneath. I pictured those little pieces of paper as new seeds falling onto the ground of a brand new future giving me a fresh start without having the weight, the burden, of that bad experience carrying on my shoulders.

Then I took those chips of paper and flushed every last one right down the toilet. The fitting destination for the negativity, the foul betrayal and his name on those pages.

And then I forgave him with the last flush. He was over with. The memory carried away and "out to sea".

Don't forgive him for his sake. How would he appreciate that, recognize the deep inspiring meaning of pardon and forgiveness, when he doesn't have the character to recognize fidelity and respect for the woman he claims to love?
When he says, "I love you", and he's a cheat he's saying; I love to cheat on you.

Forgive him for yourself and your sake. When you forgive you release what needs forgiveness.

And in the process you open yourself up to the joy you deserve and that you can now realize because you're not blocked by harboring those old grudges and those self-criticisms that make you think his lie is your fault.

Hi,
This is my first time posting. I have sought help from my minister and online prayer chats. I've prayed about this issue as well, but I seem to come back to the same feelings again and again.

...My husband (almost ex-husband) left me and our a daughter a year ago for another woman. He won't admit he left for another woman. He does admit he started the relationship during the time we were married, but claims we were in a "bad marriage". To make a long story short - I had no idea the marriage was so bad and we went through a couple attempts at reconciliation during the past year with him still seeing and/or communicating with this other woman the whole time. He says he tried, but "we just don't work". He has put my daughter and I through so much pain, but he has never apologized. He feels justified in all he has done and just when I think I'm reaching a point that I can let go of some of this hurt and anger, he does something else thoughtless or incredibly inconsiderate.

This man will be in my life for at least 11 more years as we have a 7 year old daughter together. For years, he was an extremely devoted parent and was involved in everything from after school activities to field trips. Now he'll go for a week without talking to our daughter and I let him because it's so difficult for me to talk to him or see him.

My question is - how do you forgive someone who doesn't want or care about being forgiven? How do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong, but who has harmed you and your child (and continues to do so)?

This hurt is eating me up inside and I don't know how to let go of it. I put on a happy face and try to instill positive thoughts in our daughter. Each night before going to bed, we look at our day and the things for which we are thankful. Having a positive, thankful attitude does help, but then my husband (I guess I should start saying ex-husband) does something or I hear about him out with friends and this woman; and I go right back to feeling hurt and unforgiving.

If anyone has any insight, please share with me. Thank you.

 

[Max Shade]

Hi,
This is my first time posting. I have sought help from my minister and online prayer chats. I've prayed about this issue as well, but I seem to come back to the same feelings again and again.

My question is - how do you forgive someone who doesn't want or care about being forgiven? How do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong, but who has harmed you and your child (and continues to do so)?

If anyone has any insight, please share with me. Thank you.

Working through it in as many venues as possible is a good thing, it is good that you are seeking help through a difficult time.

Forgiving in the sense that Jesus commanded does not require the consent or knowledge of the other party. Imagine Jews in concentration camps, some of their captors and tormentors maybe were slain in the liberation of the camp. Those nazis still need to be forgiven, not in the sense that what they did was okay, but in the sense that "you" are going to turn it over to God, trust His divine judgement and not let the anger boil and poison your soul or turn into an excuse to mistreat others. It IS tough. I have been struggling through forgiving someone who wrecked my Porsche & left me for dead a bunch (think 20+) of years ago. He contacted me on facebook & I had to struggle through various responses (ignore, write nasty, pretend to be cool - meet up and ambush him, or communicate and be the voice of grace in his life) it really is tough.

What if the hurt keeps on hurting, wounds re-opened, right? I get that too. My situation was different, I wasn't married and I had two kids. Their mother had mental issues, wouldn't get out of bed but maybe 4 hours (not at once) during a day, if the kids were bathed they were bathed by me, laundry- me, dishes- me, diapers- me, groceries me. She fed them meals when I was at work and that was it even though she was a stay at home mom. She also hoarded and I was in constant fear the state would come in and take our babies. I tried to get her to get help even moved to a better place to try and make things better but she just wouldn't, as a stay at home mom, do anything but feed them and sometimes change a diaper (often I came home to rash and dried ooo). I needed to get my kids out, got my ducks in a row to make it possible and she kidnapped them. I haven't seen them since. Didn't even know what county they were in for more than a year. I miss my kids and I fear for their safety/ health all the time. It is a constant dull ache. I forgive her. I know she isn't right in the head. I know she did it out of spite & doesn't care about the welfare of the children. I can't let myself be dragged down by her spitefulness & I love my kids too much to react in any way but loving kindness. I know it may be hard to read a different perspective on a similar story, but I hope you are "getting" the message. Forgiveness doesn't depend on anybody else's actions, thoughts or participation. Forgiveness is an outgrowth of having a heart changed by Jesus. Forgiveness is a way that through Christ we can release the burdens (and it feels like a burden right, that anger in your chest you can feel it, almost guess it's weight) of hurts and hurting, so that we can turn our attention to love and healing.

 

[layhoma]

I will not go into analyzing the details of your predicament. Forgiveness was my first mission to get right with God during my milk fed years of a new Christian.

Brought a few books and tapes to try to pool together resources in to give me a spiritual lift and strength to forgive. Here is what I learned:

1. Forgiveness is your letting go of bitterness or resentment toward your enemy.
He/She does not have to know. Even if He/She doesn't care or accept your forgiveness, they will have to answer to God. But you in the other hand, has made peace with the Lord.

So therefore, do not dwell into what THEY think because it's not important. What matters is what GOD thinks.

Keep up the good work. Unconditional forgiveness is one of the best blessings one could be bestowed upon.

 

[amandatea]

Working through it in as many venues as possible is a good thing, it is good that you are seeking help through a difficult time.

Forgiving in the sense that Jesus commanded does not require the consent or knowledge of the other party. Imagine Jews in concentration camps, some of their captors and tormentors maybe were slain in the liberation of the camp. Those nazis still need to be forgiven, not in the sense that what they did was okay, but in the sense that "you" are going to turn it over to God, trust His divine judgement and not let the anger boil and poison your soul or turn into an excuse to mistreat others. It IS tough. I have been struggling through forgiving someone who wrecked my Porsche & left me for dead a bunch (think 20+) of years ago. He contacted me on facebook & I had to struggle through various responses (ignore, write nasty, pretend to be cool - meet up and ambush him, or communicate and be the voice of grace in his life) it really is tough.

What if the hurt keeps on hurting, wounds re-opened, right? I get that too. My situation was different, I wasn't married and I had two kids. Their mother had mental issues, wouldn't get out of bed but maybe 4 hours (not at once) during a day, if the kids were bathed they were bathed by me, laundry- me, dishes- me, diapers- me, groceries me. She fed them meals when I was at work and that was it even though she was a stay at home mom. She also hoarded and I was in constant fear the state would come in and take our babies. I tried to get her to get help even moved to a better place to try and make things better but she just wouldn't, as a stay at home mom, do anything but feed them and sometimes change a diaper (often I came home to rash and dried ooo). I needed to get my kids out, got my ducks in a row to make it possible and she kidnapped them. I haven't seen them since. Didn't even know what county they were in for more than a year. I miss my kids and I fear for their safety/ health all the time. It is a constant dull ache. I forgive her. I know she isn't right in the head. I know she did it out of spite & doesn't care about the welfare of the children. I can't let myself be dragged down by her spitefulness & I love my kids too much to react in any way but loving kindness. I know it may be hard to read a different perspective on a similar story, but I hope you are "getting" the message. Forgiveness doesn't depend on anybody else's actions, thoughts or participation. Forgiveness is an outgrowth of having a heart changed by Jesus. Forgiveness is a way that through Christ we can release the burdens (and it feels like a burden right, that anger in your chest you can feel it, almost guess it's weight) of hurts and hurting, so that we can turn our attention to love and healing.

I have to agree with Max, here. Forgiveness doesn't need the other person to even know about it. It's not *for* the other person: it's for yourself. Hanging on to anger and resentment is toxic - spiritually, emotionally, and PHYSICALLY. Letting go of that grudge frees you and lightens your load. Give it to Jesus and let HIM deal with the other person.

If we realize that others do hurtful things, not as some sort of agenda to hurt someone, but of their own weakness of character, it helps us to forgive more easily. There is a huuuuuuuuuge difference between forgiving easily and being a doormat. Please don't get these mixed up. You can forgive someone without letting them continuously take advantage of you. That is called discernment. It is a great tool to have.

 

[PCBeliever126]

Thank you all for your feedback. This is a great statement - So therefore, do not dwell into what THEY think because it's not important. What matters is what GOD thinks.

I have come to peace with the situation many times, but I backtrack when I hear about friends of ours that are spending time with him and his girlfriend or when I know he is having fun with her, but hasn't seen or talked to our daughter in days.

Although it has been a year since he left, I still feel shell shocked sometimes at the person he became. If it weren't for our child together, I feel as though I would have already moved past this, but I find myself thinking about how he is affecting her and dreading the time he tries to forge a relationship between our daughter and this woman. ...You would think it would be the other way around, but she has behaved vindictively toward me and made some very stinging remarks. I don't think she is the kind of person I would have been friends with even if she hadn't slept with my husband... much less having to deal with her being an influence on my daughter.

 

[Max Shade]

I have come to peace with the situation many times, but I backtrack when I hear about friends of ours that are spending time with him and his girlfriend or when I know he is having fun with her, but hasn't seen or talked to our daughter in days.

Although it has been a year since he left, I still feel shell shocked sometimes at the person he became. If it weren't for our child together, I feel as though I would have already moved past this, but I find myself thinking about how he is affecting her and dreading the time he tries to forge a relationship between our daughter and this woman.

I totally understand that. I did marry someone after my kids were kidnapped and have stepsons that live with us all the time (though the boys can do sleepovers anytime they want). We have an open door policy and her ex can see his boys any time he wants. We even encourage him to come over for diners, come with us to holiday events and all that. Even though he has never paid a dime of and is in arrears more than $20K! When he wastes time or ditches his boys it hurts. I haven't seen my kids in about 18 months! He could spend any time he wants & their feelings get hurt when he doesn't. You are right to be angry about that.

I understand being sensitive about the other woman. My wife's ex picked badly & there was drama and she was constantly trying to manipulate him away from his kids. She was creepy and I'd want better for my wife's ex. He shouldn't have to step down from my wife (who he always took for granted, abused and put alcohol first) to a woman a quarter step from lot lizard. I want better for my stepsons if he ever picks a stepmother for his boys. What I mean is, dreading your daughter building a step-mom relationship is natural unless the step-mom to be is really cool.

To sum all that, there are very legit reasons for your feelings & yeah, it takes working them through to get past it & it isn't easy.

 

[paul1149]

My question is - how do you forgive someone who doesn't want or care about being forgiven? How do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong, but who has harmed you and your child (and continues to do so)?

This hurt is eating me up inside and I don't know how to let go of it.

First, understand that forgiveness is distinct from reconciliation. We are commanded to forgive, which literally means to "send away". But we are warned to be wise as serpents also, not casting pearls before swine. You don't have to like what was done, or pretend it was a good thing. You don't have to trust the person again, until you may one day be comfortable enough to choose to do so. All those are good things if the person ever repents and puts the work into rebuilding trust. But if not, you can still forgive unilaterally and move forward with your life, without "benefit" of relationship with the hurter.

It may also help to divorce forgiveness from how you feel. If someone causes me to break my leg, I can forgive him, but my leg is still going to hurt for a while. Emotions aren't much different, if at all. You may hurt emotionally for some time, but each time renew your commitment to forgiveness. Jesus says in Mk 11 to "stand" in prayer, forgiving. We can think of that as "taking a stand". Say, "even though this hurts, and even though I renounce the evil that was done, I release judgment of his soul to the Lord". And then when you feel the resentment again, realize that it has no power over you. You are born from above, and have power over it. Go on with your life, don't give it undue attention, and it will eventually be gone.

It may also help to remind yourself that this is not a zero-sum game. God's promise in Rom 8.28 is to work all things for good. That includes divorce. If you focus on that and take a stand on the promises, you will have something positive to fill the void that's left from the absence of negative emotions. This in fact is the essence of that same faith teaching in Mk 11, which guarantees us good success. As it says in Jeremiah, His plans are still for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Think on these things, as it says in Php 4, and rejoice, and it will be a protection to you. This also is the best way to help your child through this.

 

[Peripatetic]

I'm very sorry to hear about your pain. My father left our family suddenly, and in very bad circumstances. Though I was older than your daughter when it happened, it still hurt quite a bit - especially seeing what it did to my mother. My dad also was unapologetic, and continued to hurt us in new and different ways after he left.

But forgiveness isn't just for those who deserve it. For me, forgiveness was for healing, and to ensure that I would still love him, even though I couldn't "like" him. Not love in the same way as before (that was shattered beyond repair), but for a deeply troubled person in need of prayer. If I didn't forgive, I couldn't love.

As I started my own family, we remained completely estranged for many years. The fact that I'd forgiven him really helped to avoid bitterness during those years. But God found him again, and we were able to reconcile. We are no longer close, but he is in a much better place and I feel there is finally some closure.

 

[BlunderAngel]

Thank you all for your feedback. This is a great statement - So therefore, do not dwell into what THEY think because it's not important. What matters is what GOD thinks.

I have come to peace with the situation many times, but I backtrack when I hear about friends of ours that are spending time with him and his girlfriend or when I know he is having fun with her, but hasn't seen or talked to our daughter in days.

Although it has been a year since he left, I still feel shell shocked sometimes at the person he became. If it weren't for our child together, I feel as though I would have already moved past this, but I find myself thinking about how he is affecting her and dreading the time he tries to forge a relationship between our daughter and this woman. ...You would think it would be the other way around, but she has behaved vindictively toward me and made some very stinging remarks. I don't think she is the kind of person I would have been friends with even if she hadn't slept with my husband... much less having to deal with her being an influence on my daughter.

By her behaving that way toward you, the wife that her new boyfriend betrayed as a husband, it tells you what kind of woman she is when she appears jealous and mean toward the woman her man cheated on with her.

You deserve better than a man that shows you he can't be trusted to stay faithful. And especially when he'd prefer gallivanting around with a mistress to being a good father and role model for his child.
Remember, God says vengeance is his. Meanwhile, this mistress could be mad because your hubby is always talking about you or comparing her to you in different ways. You never know. You may be gone but he may be bringing you with him in how he talks and that's got her upset because she realizes he's not totally her's because he can't get you off his mind.

There was a woman I worked with years ago who was in a similar situation. Her husband cheated and then ultimately left her for a much younger woman.
After about 4 months he realized he'd made a mistake being with a woman that was just a few years older than his oldest daughter and begged the wife to take him back.
Evidently the younger woman had made him feel young again and after four months of trying to keep pace he realized he was an old man after all.

His wife refused to reconcile. She took him for half of everything he had and will never have to work another day in her life.

That experience was the most expensive Jezebel he ever purchased for the price in his life.

Served him right.

 

[CGL1023]

Hi,
This is my first time posting. I have sought help from my minister and online prayer chats. I've prayed about this issue as well, but I seem to come back to the same feelings again and again.

...My husband (almost ex-husband) left me and our a daughter a year ago for another woman. He won't admit he left for another woman. He does admit he started the relationship during the time we were married, but claims we were in a "bad marriage". To make a long story short - I had no idea the marriage was so bad and we went through a couple attempts at reconciliation during the past year with him still seeing and/or communicating with this other woman the whole time. He says he tried, but "we just don't work". He has put my daughter and I through so much pain, but he has never apologized. He feels justified in all he has done and just when I think I'm reaching a point that I can let go of some of this hurt and anger, he does something else thoughtless or incredibly inconsiderate.

This man will be in my life for at least 11 more years as we have a 7 year old daughter together. For years, he was an extremely devoted parent and was involved in everything from after school activities to field trips. Now he'll go for a week without talking to our daughter and I let him because it's so difficult for me to talk to him or see him.

My question is - how do you forgive someone who doesn't want or care about being forgiven? How do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong, but who has harmed you and your child (and continues to do so)?

This hurt is eating me up inside and I don't know how to let go of it. I put on a happy face and try to instill positive thoughts in our daughter. Each night before going to bed, we look at our day and the things for which we are thankful. Having a positive, thankful attitude does help, but then my husband (I guess I should start saying ex-husband) does something or I hear about him out with friends and this woman; and I go right back to feeling hurt and unforgiving.

If anyone has any insight, please share with me. Thank you.

Your relationship with God is on the line if you don't forgive. You don't have to personally speak to anyone to for give them. Just be sure that God knows you forgive him and mean it.

 

[msladiej]

Pray and ask God to help you.I just went through a rough patch in life with a man.You wouldn't even believe how he hurt me,but the awesome thing about it is I have forgiven him without his apology.It's supernatural and shows me how God loves me enough to take the pain away and bring me joy.

 

[xxxxxxtra]

You are asking the same question that we have to ask Christ.. How could He forgive us when we didn't care about being forgiven.. We didn't even think we needed forgiveness because we didn't see our wrong. Its the same answer for both questions. Because the questions are basically the same. He forgave our sins not based on anything to do with us.. He forgave us because of Who He is..
You need to forgive people because of who you are.. Not because the somehow see their wrong doing.. Hope this helps.. By the way, he will always be a vital part of who you are.. Not just for 11 more years.. Blessings sister

 

[joey_downunder]

You've got some great responses so far, I have highlighted the one thing I noticed that hasn't been mentioned.

...My husband (almost ex-husband) left me and our a daughter a year ago for another woman....... Having a positive, thankful attitude does help, but then my husband (I guess I should start saying ex-husband) does something or I hear about him out with friends and this woman; and I go right back to feeling hurt and unforgiving.

Is he still living with you or has he moved out?

It does sound like you are being re-wounded each time you hear about your ex. You can control unnecessary exchange of information. What good comes out of hearing about your ex's personal life (without you)? This kind of information is giving you spiritual food-poisoning.

Proverbs 18:8 The words of a talebearer are like tasty trifles,
And they go down into the inmost body.

How are you hearing about these things?

Who is/ who are repeatedly telling you about what is happening in your EX-husband's life?

Have you asked people not to tell you what is happening in his life yet IF he is no longer part of yours?

If you have and the person/people still "have to" let you know what is happening, have you insisted that they stop?

Proverbs 20:19He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets;
Therefore do not associate with one who flatters with his lips.

Proverbs 26:20 Where there is no wood, the fire goes out;
And where there is no talebearer, strife ceases.
21 As charcoal is to burning coals, and wood to fire,
So is a contentious man to kindle strife.

 

[PCBeliever126]

He moved out a year ago, but we just signed divorce papers last week. There are a lot of ups and downs to the story. He said he wanted to work things out twice. We went to three different counselors. The last counselor we went to was terrific and he was ready to make another appointment before the first session was even over. By session three, I think she must have started calling him because he changed his mind about being together. ...My thoughts were that I made a commitment. I always thought he felt the same level of commitment as I did and wouldn't do anything to break up our family. I was very wrong about that. I wanted my family back and didn't want my daughter growing up going back and forth between her mother and father.

As far as people telling me things, I've informed the people who just want to gossip that I don't want to hear it. The last information I heard a few days ago was only someone warning me that he had showed up with his girlfriend somewhere my daughter and I go on a regular basis. Yesterday I also saw them on facebook in a picture with some friends he and I used to hang out with. I will probably be unfriending some people because I don't want to subject myself to observing their life together. On the other hand, however, maybe I need to subject myself to it so that I can face facts and accept was is.

He has never apologized for his affair, but I forgave him many times over the past year without him asking or me telling him I had forgiven him. My issue now is that it will be hard to keep forgiving him because I've come to the realization that he isn't going to miss what he has lost and that he is probably going to continue doing thoughtless things (like not making any effort to communicate with our daughter for a week). This is a man who got his daughter off the bus every day and had gone on almost every school field trip. He would take her to birthday parties and put together vacations with other families. But if a year of not doing these things hasn't helped him see what a joy it is to be consistently involved in her life, I don't foresee him coming around to missing his involvement. And that's what I really have a hard time acknowledging, accepting, and forgiving.

 

[Krillin]

Forgiveness is more about the forgiver than the one being forgiven.

 

[joey_downunder]

The last information I heard a few days ago was only someone warning me that he had showed up with his girlfriend somewhere my daughter and I go on a regular basis. Yesterday I also saw them on facebook in a picture with some friends he and I used to hang out with. I will probably be unfriending some people because I don't want to subject myself to observing their life together. On the other hand, however, maybe I need to subject myself to it so that I can face facts and accept was is.

PCBeliever, it's going to take time to recover. ANYONE who has gone through a serious relationship breakup has a good idea of the inner pain and anguish you are going through right now.

Have you ever been badly injured before e.g. broken leg?
When the pain stopped did you poke and prod yourself (to cause some pain/injury again) to remind yourself that you had been badly injured? Of course not! You know that would delay AND prolong the healing process!!!!

Just having your EX absent from your life is enough to remind you he isn't there for you any more. Looking at photos and messages on Facebook -where everyone makes SURE they post themselves at their best and/or to get maximum attention - is hurting yourself un-necessarily. Nothing good will come out of it.

Turn to God instead whenever you are tempted to check online. If the people you are considering unfriending are his friends/relatives then I think that is a great idea.

 

[Karmaree]

Multi post, sorry.

 

[Karmaree]

Hi,
This is my first time posting. I have sought help from my minister and online prayer chats. I've prayed about this issue as well, but I seem to come back to the same feelings again and again.

...My husband (almost ex-husband) left me and our a daughter a year ago for another woman. He won't admit he left for another woman. He does admit he started the relationship during the time we were married, but claims we were in a "bad marriage". To make a long story short - I had no idea the marriage was so bad and we went through a couple attempts at reconciliation during the past year with him still seeing and/or communicating with this other woman the whole time. He says he tried, but "we just don't work". He has put my daughter and I through so much pain, but he has never apologized. He feels justified in all he has done and just when I think I'm reaching a point that I can let go of some of this hurt and anger, he does something else thoughtless or incredibly inconsiderate.

This man will be in my life for at least 11 more years as we have a 7 year old daughter together. For years, he was an extremely devoted parent and was involved in everything from after school activities to field trips. Now he'll go for a week without talking to our daughter and I let him because it's so difficult for me to talk to him or see him.

My question is - how do you forgive someone who doesn't want or care about being forgiven? How do you forgive someone who thinks they've done nothing wrong, but who has harmed you and your child (and continues to do so)?

This hurt is eating me up inside and I don't know how to let go of it. I put on a happy face and try to instill positive thoughts in our daughter. Each night before going to bed, we look at our day and the things for which we are thankful. Having a positive, thankful attitude does help, but then my husband (I guess I should start saying ex-husband) does something or I hear about him out with friends and this woman; and I go right back to feeling hurt and unforgiving.

If anyone has any insight, please share with me. Thank you.

Hi.
All I can say is "Men"!

Hang in there, you will be fine. May your heart be healed.