How to deal with fiance and family

[Mattaeo]

An issue that's been eating away at me for a bit now.
My fiance(female) and my mom have not spoken to each other in over a year and it's due to my fiance not wanting to have anything to do with my mom or her family (sisters).
Please offer me guidance and I have prayed about this for so long and I'm unsure how to fix it all or proceed.

The reason for the above is that my fiance feels my mom is evil and her sisters are evil too, and thus following the advice of the bible she stays away from evil people.

She feels that my mom and her sisters are evil because of what they may or may have done in that past ( we have no proof) regarding sexual immorality. Besides this she feels like my mom is a narcissist who does everything for her own good and all the other traits that come with being a narcissist. When we wanted to get engaged my mom was against it because she felt it was too soon for us and wanted to meet my fiance and get to know her better. My fiance took it as she didn't want her son (me) to get married at all and just live with her forever and take care of her. My mom has also made comments about my fiance such as shes brainwashing me because she felt like she was turning me against her(my mom) and making my mom seem like something shes not. My family came to our engagement party and was ignored by my fiance the entire time.

My mom has devoted her life to raising me and my sibling for as long as I can remember. She is not very educated and is stubborn to change. She grew up in a Christian household and has raised us in Christian household in the sense that she and my father have taken me to church since I was younger. As a family we don't do anything Christian related such as praying together or reading the bible together or anything at all. She sins as we all do, she doesn't partake still in anything Christian related not even going to church anymore. She believes in her heart and confesses with her mouth that Jesus has raise from the dead just as Romans 9:10 says. I truly believe she believes in this, but she does not live the life of trying to improve her relationship with God.

This situation is tearing my mom and her sisters apart because the divide its causing. I'm stuck in the middle taking my fiance's side for now because I really don't know how to handle this situation, I love them both. If i try to address the situation to my fiance she always reverts back to I am being mislead and not a real Christian because I can't see the truth in front of me that my mom is evil.

Is my mom in the wrong here or is my fiance in the wrong. Before I can address the situation I need to understand it clearly. Please offer me guidance, God Bless.

 

[Paidiske]

From what you've posted, they're probably both at least somewhat in the wrong.

Your mother needs to understand that as a grown man, you choose your wife, and in committing to your wife she becomes your priority (over your parents). On the other hand, your fiancee ought to understand that your family are important to you and be willing to try to love them for your sake. (Often easier said than done, I know).

 

[Rescued One]

Well, I don't like to judge people! That's why it's difficult to deal with a situation like this.

Is your mom in a church that never teaches right from wrong? Many, many churches never mention fornication or adultery. If someone mentions it to another person who thinks it's okay, they won't be friends. It isn't okay. I read my Bible a lot. I can't discuss it with my kids, so I don't. I've been to churches that only preach "feel good" sermons. Some churches are the opposite to the extreme. We aren't saved by works. But we aren't saved to live in sin and we aren't saved to condone sin. The new birth is a change of heart. If there's no change of heart, the new birth didn't take place. "By their fruits ye shall know them." I understand your fiance's concern. Life is definitely hard. I had a sibling who was sexually active at age 12. Her life was miserable. She thought it was normal and never felt any remorse. Would you mind telling me your fiance's denomination?

 

[tturt]

Seems both need to be reminded that we're to love others.

Sorry that you're in this situation. Has either one considered your feelings? Maybe go to counseling asap.

 

[Brad D.]

The only way through decisions like this or any decision for that matter is absolute obedience to the Holy Spirit within. No one from the outside will be able to tell you exactly what to do. Your mind and emotions will not be able to tell you what to do. You will not be able to "figure it out". And no one from the outside will be able to figure it out for you. He is the only one that sees the thing all the way through to the end.

Christ many times in the gospels said He did nothing out of His own initiative, but only what the Father truly revealed in Him to do. But if you have any knowledge of the gospels you will quickly see that just because He was continually living out of the wisdom that came from heaven, it did not mean that everyone would understand that wisdom, be "happy with it", or embrace Him and the things He did and said. But He separated Himself from all those pros and cons, from all of that tossing back and forth of His emotions, arising early to be with His Father, and saying to Him, "Not my will, but Yours be done." And He came down from those places continually saturated in that wisdom, living out of that wisdom in everything He said and did.

When He sees you are willing to love Him above all things like that, willing to die to and put everything else aside, I am convinced that it is in that sincerity of heart that He will begin to speak and guide you in all that you should do.

At the end of the day it is really not about pleasing your fiancé or your mom, or anyone else, it is about desiring to be pleasing to Him above all else. And the irony is in choosing Him above all else we are then able to love them completely. When we love Him we live in love. Only He is love. Only He knows how to love others completely through us. Live in Him and out from Him and you live in Love. Live apart from Him, then you live out of everything else we humans think as love. And these two loves are often very different.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:5-6)

 

[Rescued One]

Seems both need to be reminded that we're to love others.

I agree but if you live near inlaws they will always influence you and your children --- sometimes with bad results.

Going to church isn't enough to make someone a Christian. Two hours of church each week is not all that Christ asks of us who are indwelt by Christ.

Counseling doesn't change hearts.

Romans 8:9
But ye are not in the flesh, but in the Spirit, if so be that the Spirit of God dwell in you. Now if any man have not the Spirit of Christ, he is none of his.

 

[tturt]

Since you're addressing my previous post -
The fiance is looking to Scripture, he would be saying let's apply all of Scripture. Reminding them that we're to love others. Also, however we judge others is how we will be judged (Matt 7:1-3) Is that what is wanted? What about forgiving each other?

If neither one can consider his feelings nor try to work this out now, it reflects on them. What are their problem solving / conflict resolution techniques? What are their people skills? Can they apologize and make maximum effort to work this out now?

Going to a counxelor, would be a way for him to talk about these 2 loves of his life.

 

[Rescued One]

Since you're addressing my previous post -
The fiance is looking to Scripture, he would be saying let's apply all of Scripture. Reminding them that we're to love others. Also, however we judge others is how we will be judged (Matt 7:1-3) Is that what is wanted? What about forgiving each other?

If neither one can consider his feelings nor try to work this out now, it reflects on them. What are their problem solving / conflict resolution techniques? What are their people skills? Can they apologize and make maximum effort to work this out now?

Going to a counxelor, would be a way for him to talk about these 2 loves of his life.

I'm not wanting to have a debate nor am I advising against obedience to God. God advises against being yoked unequally. I was married to only one husband who passed away after almost 42 years. Neiither of us was a Christian --- we were in a cult when we married. The best marriages are between two genuine Christians. Attending a church --- even a good one --- doesn't change a person's heart. Being involved in counseling isn't wrong, but neither does it do what only God can do. Unless a person has the spirit of Christ he doesn't even belong to Christ. Forgiving an atheist or a Buddhist or a Trinitarian doesn't change who the person is. God warns us about counselors."Blessed is the man thatwalketn not in the counsel of the ungodly."

And being fearful of judging others shouldn't prevent us from judging their influences or contemplating future influences in our lives or our children's lives.

(John 7:24)Jesus’ use of the word here shows that all judgments are not bad. Some prefer the term discern to delineate between what we are supposed to do, wisely and honestly evaluate without hating or doing God’s job of condemning, and the other kind that we are admonished to avoid.

I love people who aren't Christians.That wouldn't make me contemplate marriage. I was verbally abused. Years of personal counselling didn't change their habits and personalities. I learned to avoid involvement in their lives. I didn't learn to mistreat them. I learned that my kindness to them wasn't going to change them.

Mattaeo will have struggles and disapointments if he marries wanting his mother and fiance to change.

 

[tturt]

God's Word has impact such as "So will My word be which goes out of My mouth; It will not return to Me void (useless, without result), Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it." (Isa 55:11)

"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Heb 4:12)

Also, forgiving includes -
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)

"And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses."" (Mark 11)

Dont see where I implied counseling or anything else could substitute for being lead by the Holy Spirit nor said attending church services would make someone a follower of Jesus.

Regarding asking us who are believers for advice "Where there is no counsel, purposes are frustrated, but with many counselors they are accomplished." (Pro 16:22) "Seek not counsel from the ungodly. Seek Godly council from those season saints who you know walk with the Lord." (Psa 1:1).

No doubt as it stands now,, the future will filled with disappointments and struggles resulting from their thoughts and feelings towards each other.

Judging others - Both parties have judged the other as unacceptable and expecting Mattaeo to go with their view. He's in his 30's and going to a counselor would help sort through this situation. He would be able to judge the advice from a Christian perspective.

 

[Rescued One]

Judging others - Both parties have judged the other as unacceptable and expecting Mattaeo to go with their view. He's in his 30's and going to a counselor would help sort through this situation. He would be able to judge the advice from a Christian perspective.

For starters, Ephesians 4:32 is my favorite verse.

Without a professional counselor, we learn God's will from the Bible. God changes us if we have the Spirit of Christ in us. Without His Spirit we don't belong to Christ.

Jesus makes us new creatures.

John 14
18I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. 19Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also. 20At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you. 21He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him. 22Judas saith unto him, not Iscariot, Lord, how is it that thou wilt manifest thyself unto us, and not unto the world? 23Jesus answered and said unto him, If a man love me, he will keep my words: and my Father will love him, and we will come unto him, and make our abode with Him. 24He that loveth me not keepeth not my sayings: and the word which ye hear is not mine, but the Father's which sent me.

If a person reads the Bible often, and has Christ's Spirit, people will recognize the fruit.

My husband's parents were not necessarily Christians. We lived states apart. I knew how to treat them and we loved esch other. They passed away when my children were young, My oldest child was only six when my FIL passed away. My MIL went on a ventilator and passed away a few years later. My family caused problems.

Dont see where I implied counseling or anything else could substitute for being lead by the Holy Spirit nor said attending church services would make someone a follower of Jesus.

Nor did I ever accuse you of or argue that.

Regarding asking us who are believers for advice "Where there is no counsel, purposes are frustrated, but with many counselors they are accomplished." (Pro 16:22) "Seek not counsel from the ungodly. Seek Godly council from those season saints who you know walk with the Lord." (Psa 1:1).

No doubt as it stands now,, the future will filled with disappointments and struggles resulting from their thoughts and feelings towards each other.

Judging others - Both parties have judged the other as unacceptable

Unscceptable as what?

God's Word has impact such as "So will My word be which goes out of My mouth; It will not return to Me void (useless, without result), Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it." (Isa 55:11)

Are you a universlist? Do any unbelievers die?

"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Heb 4:12)

Does God's word eliminate murder, violence, unkindness, or lack of faith in every person?

Also, forgiving includes -
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)

Spoken to Christians (as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you). Would you agree?

"And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses."" (Mark 11)

Are Christians wihout forgiveness and fruit of the Spirit? By their fruits ye shall know them.

Dont see where I implied counseling or anything else could substitute for being lead by the Holy Spirit nor said attending church services would make someone a follower of Jesus.

I'm truly sorry for the way you interpreted my information.

Regarding asking us who are believers for advice "Where there is no counsel, purposes are frustrated, but with many counselors they are accomplished." (Pro 16:22) "Seek not counsel from the ungodly. Seek Godly council from those season saints who you know walk with the Lord." (Psa 1:1).

No doubt as it stands now,, the future will filled with disappointments and struggles resulting from their thoughts and feelings towards each other.

We heap additional sorrows in our lives when we don't evaluate the potential problems and avoid them before becoming entangled with others.

Judging others - Both parties have judged the other as unacceptable and expecting Mattaeo to go with their view. He's in his 30's and going to a counselor would help sort through this situation. He would be able to judge the advice from a Christian perspective.

I didn't crirtcize him for asking us.

God's Word has impact such as "So will My word be which goes out of My mouth; It will not return to Me void (useless, without result), Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it." (Isa 55:11)

"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." (Heb 4:12)

Also, forgiving includes -
"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)

"And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any: that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses. But if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is in heaven forgive your trespasses."" (Mark 11)

Dont see where I implied counseling or anything else could substitute for being lead by the Holy Spirit nor said attending church services would make someone a follower of Jesus.

Regarding asking us who are believers for advice "Where there is no counsel, purposes are frustrated, but with many counselors they are accomplished." (Pro 16:22) "Seek not counsel from the ungodly. Seek Godly council from those season saints who you know walk with the Lord." (Psa 1:1).

No doubt as it stands now,, the future will filled with disappointments and struggles resulting from their thoughts and feelings towards each other.

Judging others - Both parties have judged the other as unacceptable and expecting Mattaeo to go with their view. He's in his 30's and going to a counselor would help sort through this situation. He would be able to judge the advice from a Christian perspective.

-

 

[tturt]

We aren't communicating at all. We're both misunderstanding each other.

Not a universalist.

Mattaeo, continuing to ask the Lord to help you, guide you.

 

[Rescued One]

The only way through decisions like this or any decision for that matter is absolute obedience to the Holy Spirit within. No one from the outside will be able to tell you exactly what to do. Your mind and emotions will not be able to tell you what to do. You will not be able to "figure it out". And no one from the outside will be able to figure it out for you. He is the only one that sees the thing all the way through to the end.

Christ many times in the gospels said He did nothing out of His own initiative, but only what the Father truly revealed in Him to do. But if you have any knowledge of the gospels you will quickly see that just because He was continually living out of the wisdom that came from heaven, it did not mean that everyone would understand that wisdom, be "happy with it", or embrace Him and the things He did and said. But He separated Himself from all those pros and cons, from all of that tossing back and forth of His emotions, arising early to be with His Father, and saying to Him, "Not my will, but Yours be done." And He came down from those places continually saturated in that wisdom, living out of that wisdom in everything He said and did.

When He sees you are willing to love Him above all things like that, willing to die to and put everything else aside, I am convinced that it is in that sincerity of heart that He will begin to speak and guide you in all that you should do.

At the end of the day it is really not about pleasing your fiancé or your mom, or anyone else, it is about desiring to be pleasing to Him above all else. And the irony is in choosing Him above all else we are then able to love them completely. When we love Him we live in love. Only He is love. Only He knows how to love others completely through us. Live in Him and out from Him and you live in Love. Live apart from Him, then you live out of everything else we humans think as love. And these two loves are often very different.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind (James 1:5-6)

Do you believe the Father has a body of flesh and bone?

 

[Rescued One]

We aren't communicating at all. We're both misunderstanding each other.

Two Christians who are unable to communicate? I don't uderstand. I wish you would make the effort to tell me why. Have I offended you?


Is rhe root of the problem my comment about counseling? I thought you meant professional counseling. I spent years in counseling to learn how I could meet my atheist father's approval without giving up faith in God. Dad was in his sixties. The Christian counselor told me that I couldn't change my father. I found that truth in the Bible:

I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.
1 Corinthians 3:6-7

I also know that families might interfere in realatives' child-rearing causing teens to rebel and be disrespectful of all authority.

 

[Rescued One]

Mattaeo, continuing to ask the Lord to help you, guide you.

Like.

God bless, tturt.

 

[Rescued One]

Matttaeo, your fiance should not ignore your family at a party. She judges them as evil instead of examining her own behavior.

"And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you." (Eph 4:32)

 

[Brad D.]

Do you believe the Father has a body of flesh and bone?

I certainly don't believe the Father has a body of flesh and bone, but it is beyond me to know to any degree that which He really is. I only know Him in my Spirit, not with my eyes. When Christ was on this earth, I believe that was the way He went to be with His Father communing with Him in His Spirit, not in a physical sit down. I think He was made to know the limitations we have in being here on this earth. Therefore in all things He had to be made like HIs brethren, that He might be a merciful and faithful High Priest ( Hebrews 2:17)

 

[Tolworth John]

The reason for the above is that my fiance feels my mom is evil and her sisters are evil too

Is currently actively evil or was a sinner in thepast?
A question. Is this really relevent, or is it an excuse for being rude?

When we wanted to get engaged my mom was against it because she felt it was too soon for us and wanted to meet my fiance and get to know her better. My fiance took it as she didn't want her son (me) to get married at all and just live with her forever and take care of her.

As a parent that is a reasonable concern. Her reaction is unreasonable.

My family came to our engagement party and was ignored by my fiance the entire time.

That was just being rude.

I think you need to ask your fiance just what it is she has against your mother. She will be mixing with people at work, when shopping etc who are far more 'evil' than your mother, in that they will be active in sinning, does she not talk to sinners at her work?

If you get married your family will be at the wedding, how is she going to respond to them?
What about children, is she so cruel as to deny a grandmother access to her grandchildren?

Talk this through, point out that there Will be times when as a family you will All be with your family and she will have to be polite and sociable with them.
This is not negotiable.

So deal with it now.

 

[Gentle Lamb]

An issue that's been eating away at me for a bit now.
My fiance(female) and my mom have not spoken to each other in over a year and it's due to my fiance not wanting to have anything to do with my mom or her family (sisters).
Please offer me guidance and I have prayed about this for so long and I'm unsure how to fix it all or proceed.

The reason for the above is that my fiance feels my mom is evil and her sisters are evil too, and thus following the advice of the bible she stays away from evil people.

She feels that my mom and her sisters are evil because of what they may or may have done in that past ( we have no proof) regarding sexual immorality. Besides this she feels like my mom is a narcissist who does everything for her own good and all the other traits that come with being a narcissist. When we wanted to get engaged my mom was against it because she felt it was too soon for us and wanted to meet my fiance and get to know her better. My fiance took it as she didn't want her son (me) to get married at all and just live with her forever and take care of her. My mom has also made comments about my fiance such as shes brainwashing me because she felt like she was turning me against her(my mom) and making my mom seem like something shes not. My family came to our engagement party and was ignored by my fiance the entire time.

My mom has devoted her life to raising me and my sibling for as long as I can remember. She is not very educated and is stubborn to change. She grew up in a Christian household and has raised us in Christian household in the sense that she and my father have taken me to church since I was younger. As a family we don't do anything Christian related such as praying together or reading the bible together or anything at all. She sins as we all do, she doesn't partake still in anything Christian related not even going to church anymore. She believes in her heart and confesses with her mouth that Jesus has raise from the dead just as Romans 9:10 says. I truly believe she believes in this, but she does not live the life of trying to improve her relationship with God.

This situation is tearing my mom and her sisters apart because the divide its causing. I'm stuck in the middle taking my fiance's side for now because I really don't know how to handle this situation, I love them both. If i try to address the situation to my fiance she always reverts back to I am being mislead and not a real Christian because I can't see the truth in front of me that my mom is evil.

Is my mom in the wrong here or is my fiance in the wrong. Before I can address the situation I need to understand it clearly. Please offer me guidance, God Bless.

... I have severe family issues and if I was bringing someone into my family and they chose to just ignore my family this way and label them as "evil" because they are ... human and therefore sinners as everyone else is, it would really give me pause. Seriously. Yes, your wife will be first, but God also says to honor your mom and dad. Your fiance dishonors your mom and therefore dishonors you by ignoring your mom. Even if they are this "evil" how long has she even known them, what has she been through with them, what have they ever done to her for her to treat them in this manner? I have a relative who I know has done some very evil things behind my back and I don't ignore that relative that way. As God would have it, I have greeted that relative and been there for that relative (in very limited ways, but been there nonetheless) over the last few years. Your fiance is not showing the love of Christ to your family, and the love of Christ is the only way to win lost souls. Does your fiance pray for your family? Does your fiance try to reach them with the gospel? I think this should seriously be addressed before entering marriage because this is very unkind treatment of your fiance to your family members. Also, it reflects badly in that how can you know that she will not one day turn the same careless, mean attitude toward you? After all, if she can start off by treating your very own mom this way, well, then, how may she treat you in the future? Not to idolize your mom or anything, but I think that the way a person treats your family is a reflection of how they treat you as well. I have really bad family issues and the people around me who know and who still try to relate kindly to my family - I really respect them. It makes me unhappy when I see my family treat them badly. On the other hand, the people around me who treat my family badly... I have little respect for them. Actually, someone was once so rude about my parents very recently that I have to just realize that person is disrespectful and I have since distanced myself because the word of God clears says Honor your father and mother so that you will live long in the earth that God has given us..... This is a really serious issue, this is a big red flag. Please pray carefully and see how God directs you to address this with your fiance because this is wrong, very rude of your fiance to treat your family this way. And your mom is objective. She should care about who you are marrying because if you get married and start having problems, you are going to tell your mom and that will also be a problem for her because she loves you and wants the best for you.