How to become intimately attracted to a woman when I'm already emotionally attracted to her?
At first, I have to inform that English is not my first language, so you know why some expressions might sound strange. I might get carried away with my story but I feel I should tell it all to give the full context of my current situation.
I'm 40 years old man and I have never had intimate relations.
I was born in a small village. Unfortunately, I have some genetic defects since birth and I'm visually handicapped and also physically weaker than an average man. I tried to help my parents in their farm but the result was hiatal hernia. It was not serious enough for any immediate treatments or surgery, but still bad enough so that doctors forbid me to do any heavy physical tasks. So, now my muscles are pretty weak, I'm also thin and also getting bald, and I have to stick to my diet to avoid my stomach getting upset.
My school years were tricky - getting bullied for my bad vision and weak body. I became an introverted person, more into books (sci-fi), computers, music. Despite my bad vision, I became a programmer, got my master's degree and have been working for 15 years as a software architect in a small company. Although I'm introverted, I still manage to pretend to be a fun person, telling jokes and being kind to others, even when I feel dark and sad inside.
My parents were busy at their main work and at their farm, so I was brought up mostly by my granny who was a devoted Catholic. Although she prayed using ritual prayers, I learned to talk to God with my own words. God became as my "imaginary friend" to tell all my sorrows when I was bullied or when I had nightmares (and I had a lot of them in my childhood - really sinister nightmares about some invisible force coming after me and trying to drag away).
My father had issues with alcohol addiction, which was very common in small rural villages in our country. He was a nice person overall, never showing any aggression and being supportive. Still, in those evenings when he came home stinking and mumbling and when my mom was crying and pleading him to stop drinking, I hid in my room and played adventure stories about a boy finding his father, and I felt so bad for wanting a different father. It felt both like yearning and like betrayal.
Because of being bullied mostly by boys, I developed stronger emotional connections with girls. Although I had more common interests with boys (computers, sci-fi), still when I wanted to feel supported and accepted I talked with girls.
There was one very special girl. I felt like having a soulmate. But when I was about 15, her family moved to another town and we lost contacts. I guess, it was mostly my "fault" because I let her go. Why did I do that? Because during my puberty time I discovered I feel no intimate attraction to her. She was like a sister to me. But she started sometimes showing a different kind of interest, talking about romance, kissing. I decided that I'm not the man she needs and I have to let her go and find someone better. That was one more hit to my self esteem.
And later I was shocked to discover my attraction to older men. Fortunately, it was not overly sexual. It was mostly as an infatuation (and also fetishism for formal suits) and it often faded out when I got to know the person better to learn that the man is not that ideal person my subconscious has imagined. I also have tried masturbation and inappropriate content, but I never managed to get something out of it. I get my relief only through wet dreams, and even they are not sexual but about my weaknesses and emotional fantasies - about cuddling with an "imaginary father", or about myself becoming another person. Still, it was enough to make me think I'm homosexual. I started losing my religion. I felt cursed, I couldn't even visit a church because it had many of those older men who reminded me of something I wanted to forget. In my dreams, I cry "God, what should I do now?" and I wake with my eyes sticky with tears. Also I often see the girl from my childhood and I cry: "I'm not able to physically love you, but still I will always love you."
Currently I'm meeting a nice lady with whom we have lots of common interests and talk a lot about psychology. She knows most of my issues and she has some issues, too (mostly fighting her weight and also wanting to adopt a child but having strong doubts and insecurities). And again - I really would want to feel attracted to her but my body does not react. It feels like some kind of "block". I feel strong rejection towards anything feminine, woman perfume, cosmetics, jewelry, body shape - it all just switches me to "sister" mode and the idea of kissing and cuddling feels so intensely wrong somewhere inside; as if I wanted to have an incest or something. Mentally I know it does not make any sense. I force myself to at least hug her more often, but even that feels like cheating because I know I cannot get any further and she expects it.
The problem is, I don't even know where to start. How does a normal, healthy heterosexual man feel towards a woman he loves? I have nobody to ask the question, and there are no answers on the Internet - for most men it "just happens automatically" without any conscious effort.
So, maybe that's it and I'm supposed to be alone for my entire life. Currently I'm living with my parents. They have small pensions and I can support them with my salary. I'm afraid to think what will become of me when they pass away. I'm an introvert, but still I need that feeling about "someone in another room". But I don't want any woman to be dragged into some strange unhealthy relations. That would be unfair. Not sure, how to continue. Maybe the best is to just "go with the flow" and do nothing, as I've managed for 40 years.
At first, I have to inform that English is not my first language, so you know why some expressions might sound strange. I might get carried away with my story but I feel I should tell it all to give the full context of my current situation.
I'm 40 years old man and I have never had intimate relations.
I was born in a small village. Unfortunately, I have some genetic defects since birth and I'm visually handicapped and also physically weaker than an average man. I tried to help my parents in their farm but the result was hiatal hernia. It was not serious enough for any immediate treatments or surgery, but still bad enough so that doctors forbid me to do any heavy physical tasks. So, now my muscles are pretty weak, I'm also thin and also getting bald, and I have to stick to my diet to avoid my stomach getting upset.
My school years were tricky - getting bullied for my bad vision and weak body. I became an introverted person, more into books (sci-fi), computers, music. Despite my bad vision, I became a programmer, got my master's degree and have been working for 15 years as a software architect in a small company. Although I'm introverted, I still manage to pretend to be a fun person, telling jokes and being kind to others, even when I feel dark and sad inside.
My parents were busy at their main work and at their farm, so I was brought up mostly by my granny who was a devoted Catholic. Although she prayed using ritual prayers, I learned to talk to God with my own words. God became as my "imaginary friend" to tell all my sorrows when I was bullied or when I had nightmares (and I had a lot of them in my childhood - really sinister nightmares about some invisible force coming after me and trying to drag away).
My father had issues with alcohol addiction, which was very common in small rural villages in our country. He was a nice person overall, never showing any aggression and being supportive. Still, in those evenings when he came home stinking and mumbling and when my mom was crying and pleading him to stop drinking, I hid in my room and played adventure stories about a boy finding his father, and I felt so bad for wanting a different father. It felt both like yearning and like betrayal.
Because of being bullied mostly by boys, I developed stronger emotional connections with girls. Although I had more common interests with boys (computers, sci-fi), still when I wanted to feel supported and accepted I talked with girls.
There was one very special girl. I felt like having a soulmate. But when I was about 15, her family moved to another town and we lost contacts. I guess, it was mostly my "fault" because I let her go. Why did I do that? Because during my puberty time I discovered I feel no intimate attraction to her. She was like a sister to me. But she started sometimes showing a different kind of interest, talking about romance, kissing. I decided that I'm not the man she needs and I have to let her go and find someone better. That was one more hit to my self esteem.
And later I was shocked to discover my attraction to older men. Fortunately, it was not overly sexual. It was mostly as an infatuation (and also fetishism for formal suits) and it often faded out when I got to know the person better to learn that the man is not that ideal person my subconscious has imagined. I also have tried masturbation and inappropriate content, but I never managed to get something out of it. I get my relief only through wet dreams, and even they are not sexual but about my weaknesses and emotional fantasies - about cuddling with an "imaginary father", or about myself becoming another person. Still, it was enough to make me think I'm homosexual. I started losing my religion. I felt cursed, I couldn't even visit a church because it had many of those older men who reminded me of something I wanted to forget. In my dreams, I cry "God, what should I do now?" and I wake with my eyes sticky with tears. Also I often see the girl from my childhood and I cry: "I'm not able to physically love you, but still I will always love you."
Currently I'm meeting a nice lady with whom we have lots of common interests and talk a lot about psychology. She knows most of my issues and she has some issues, too (mostly fighting her weight and also wanting to adopt a child but having strong doubts and insecurities). And again - I really would want to feel attracted to her but my body does not react. It feels like some kind of "block". I feel strong rejection towards anything feminine, woman perfume, cosmetics, jewelry, body shape - it all just switches me to "sister" mode and the idea of kissing and cuddling feels so intensely wrong somewhere inside; as if I wanted to have an incest or something. Mentally I know it does not make any sense. I force myself to at least hug her more often, but even that feels like cheating because I know I cannot get any further and she expects it.
The problem is, I don't even know where to start. How does a normal, healthy heterosexual man feel towards a woman he loves? I have nobody to ask the question, and there are no answers on the Internet - for most men it "just happens automatically" without any conscious effort.
So, maybe that's it and I'm supposed to be alone for my entire life. Currently I'm living with my parents. They have small pensions and I can support them with my salary. I'm afraid to think what will become of me when they pass away. I'm an introvert, but still I need that feeling about "someone in another room". But I don't want any woman to be dragged into some strange unhealthy relations. That would be unfair. Not sure, how to continue. Maybe the best is to just "go with the flow" and do nothing, as I've managed for 40 years.
