How to address this issue with my stepkids

[Gnarwhal]

I (36M) am husband and father in a blended family. My wife (39F) brought twins (18M&F) into the marriage whom she had in college, we got married in March of 2022, and now we have an eight month old son together. Since the age gap between my wife and step kids is so small they're very close, but there's a boundary within a certain issue that I'm uncomfortable with.

A bit more backstory I moved my family out from the east coast to my hometown in California after being away from there for two years. My stepson stayed behind because he didn't want to move, so he's living with his grandparents where we had all been living together for a time. His twin sister was feeling more adventurous so she came with us, so there's four of us in my household.

The issue is that my wife raised the kids with some kind of open door policy in her bedroom where they slept in her bed with her anytime they want and they often take naps on her bed. The problem is they still do this today, and they're 18 years old now. I on the other hand was raised where I had to get permission to go into my parents room because it was generally off limits, as I got older I learned the value of that and not only respected it but appreciated that they had their own private space in the home. Don't get me wrong, when my sister and I were kids we often watched TV in their room or would sleep there if we had nightmares but it was always with their permission or at their invitation.

Right now I'm sleeping in a different room because I have severe sleep apnea that I've yet to begin treating (no CPAP yet) so I snore very very loudly and it keeps my wife awake. Plus we don't have a big enough bed.

But it bothers me that I feel like my stepdaughter spends more time in my/our bedroom than I do, and often times when she's taking a nap I feel like I can't go in there to change clothes or take a shower or really do anything because it all feels too inappropriate. It's not currently an issue that her brother does it too because he's not living with us at the moment but there's a reasonable expectation that he's going to move out here and join us in the next 6-8 months or so, at which point I'm concerned that'll start happening again. And if I have a problem with his sister sleeping and napping in our bed and generally spending half her waking hours in our room, it's that much more of a problem for me when it comes to her son. I just find it highly inappropriate that her 18-year-old son would sleep in the same bed as her, or that he helps himself to our bedroom + bed whenever he pleases. This was an issue before when we were all under the same roof but I felt guilted into letting it slide because my wife is always so concerned about his emotional state (which for the record: I think he uses his perpetual "melancholy" as a manipulative tool to control people around him).

What's a benign way to establish a boundary that grown kids (really, they're young adults) don't need to be hanging out in our bedroom or sleeping in our bed. They have their own. Anytime I might've broached the subject my wife gets very defensive and takes it very personally; she suggests I don't like her kids (false). So I'm not sure how to approach this anymore, but as a husband, father, and head of the household I believe I'm well within my rights to establish this and say "No, this room is for us and the baby only unless I say otherwise." I don't want to be too heavy handed but I also feel like I'm letting too many bad habits, behavior and tendencies to slip by because my wife is afraid of how the step kids will take it or something.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Right now I'm sleeping in a different room because I have severe sleep apnea that I've yet to begin treating (no CPAP yet) so I snore very very loudly and it keeps my wife awake. Plus we don't have a big enough bed.

Take care of this first. Then move back into your bedroom with authority.
Blessings.

 

[Michie]

Take care of this first. Then move back into your bedroom with authority.
Blessings.

I agree with the above. Get the medical treatment you need and move forward after that. This is what the kids are used to obviously but the real person you need a breakthrough with is your wife. She is probably more resistant than the 18 year old twins are. The only reason I say this is she is accusing you of not liking her kids while ignoring the other issues at hand. Age, appropriateness, etc. The concern should be getting back into the same room as a married couple.

ETA: Have you both considered talking to a priest to get another pov?

 

[Gnarwhal]

Take care of this first. Then move back into your bedroom with authority.
Blessings.

Working on that one, my insurance isn't covering as much as I hoped. I just got the bill today because the company that did my sleep study is "out of network" so that's gonna cost me $275. I'm also sitting on a $430 outstanding bill for my doctor's office because my insurance decided the tests they ran on me (blood, etc) were somehow not necessary. So I need to call them and ask them to resubmit the bill with different codes to see if my insurance covers more but in the meantime I'm saddled with almost $1,000 in medical bills just for me.

Now the good news is my brother-in-law also has sleep apnea, and he has an extra (brand new) CPAP machine that he got from a recall. I just gotta get him to show me how to use it and where he gets the parts you have to replace like filters. And we're all busy folks so it's tough.

Have you both considered talking to a priest to get another pov?

I've thought about it, but I haven't done it yet. I may set an appointment with one soon.

 

[Paidiske]

So I'm not sure how to approach this anymore, but as a husband, father, and head of the household I believe I'm well within my rights to establish this and say "No, this room is for us and the baby only unless I say otherwise."

No. It's a shared space with your wife, and whatever boundary you set will need to be negotiated with and agreed to by her. You unilaterally laying down the law is controlling, and really unhealthy, and likely to undermine your marriage.

The problem here is that you and your wife need to be able to work through this disagreement and create a shared approach. You may need some help to do that if your wife isn't currently able to have a constructive discussion with you.

(FWIW, my personal take would be that something between either extreme - treating the room as their own hang out or nap space, or not being allowed in at all without asking - is probably going to be both healthy and achievable. But you may need to be patient and generous as there will be a lot of emotional baggage to be worked through, for all of you).

 

[tturt]

Wondering at what point do they see it stopping? When they're married?

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Working on that one, my insurance isn't covering as much as I hoped. I just got the bill today because the company that did my sleep study is "out of network" so that's gonna cost me $275. I'm also sitting on a $430 outstanding bill for my doctor's office because my insurance decided the tests they ran on me (blood, etc) were somehow not necessary. So I need to call them and ask them to resubmit the bill with different codes to see if my insurance covers more but in the meantime I'm saddled with almost $1,000 in medical bills just for me.

Now the good news is my brother-in-law also has sleep apnea, and he has an extra (brand new) CPAP machine that he got from a recall. I just gotta get him to show me how to use it and where he gets the parts you have to replace like filters. And we're all busy folks so it's tough.

I've thought about it, but I haven't done it yet. I may set an appointment with one soon.

And the size of the bed?

 

[Gnarwhal]

And the size of the bed?

We have to figure out how to afford a new/bigger bed cause right now it's just a double (full). I'm 6' 235lbs, and even though she's a tiny 5'1 we don't fit on there. But with all of the debt we're already struggling to manage, finding a new bed is difficult at best.

 

[rebornfree]

Maybe treat them as adults. Say that when you leave home/go to college you need to respect others' privacy, so now that you are adults you will each have your own space in your bedrooms, as you and your wife will in yours, and that you don't go into each others rooms without knocking on the door first. I wouldn't mention the baby as it may make them feel that they are not part of the family. Put it to your wife that your step-children being adults need to learn boundaries before leaving home.

Just a suggestion.