- Oct 31, 2008
- 20,519
- 12,219
- 37
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Catholic
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Republican
I (36M) am husband and father in a blended family. My wife (39F) brought twins (18M&F) into the marriage whom she had in college, we got married in March of 2022, and now we have an eight month old son together. Since the age gap between my wife and step kids is so small they're very close, but there's a boundary within a certain issue that I'm uncomfortable with.
A bit more backstory I moved my family out from the east coast to my hometown in California after being away from there for two years. My stepson stayed behind because he didn't want to move, so he's living with his grandparents where we had all been living together for a time. His twin sister was feeling more adventurous so she came with us, so there's four of us in my household.
The issue is that my wife raised the kids with some kind of open door policy in her bedroom where they slept in her bed with her anytime they want and they often take naps on her bed. The problem is they still do this today, and they're 18 years old now. I on the other hand was raised where I had to get permission to go into my parents room because it was generally off limits, as I got older I learned the value of that and not only respected it but appreciated that they had their own private space in the home. Don't get me wrong, when my sister and I were kids we often watched TV in their room or would sleep there if we had nightmares but it was always with their permission or at their invitation.
Right now I'm sleeping in a different room because I have severe sleep apnea that I've yet to begin treating (no CPAP yet) so I snore very very loudly and it keeps my wife awake. Plus we don't have a big enough bed.
But it bothers me that I feel like my stepdaughter spends more time in my/our bedroom than I do, and often times when she's taking a nap I feel like I can't go in there to change clothes or take a shower or really do anything because it all feels too inappropriate. It's not currently an issue that her brother does it too because he's not living with us at the moment but there's a reasonable expectation that he's going to move out here and join us in the next 6-8 months or so, at which point I'm concerned that'll start happening again. And if I have a problem with his sister sleeping and napping in our bed and generally spending half her waking hours in our room, it's that much more of a problem for me when it comes to her son. I just find it highly inappropriate that her 18-year-old son would sleep in the same bed as her, or that he helps himself to our bedroom + bed whenever he pleases. This was an issue before when we were all under the same roof but I felt guilted into letting it slide because my wife is always so concerned about his emotional state (which for the record: I think he uses his perpetual "melancholy" as a manipulative tool to control people around him).
What's a benign way to establish a boundary that grown kids (really, they're young adults) don't need to be hanging out in our bedroom or sleeping in our bed. They have their own. Anytime I might've broached the subject my wife gets very defensive and takes it very personally; she suggests I don't like her kids (false). So I'm not sure how to approach this anymore, but as a husband, father, and head of the household I believe I'm well within my rights to establish this and say "No, this room is for us and the baby only unless I say otherwise." I don't want to be too heavy handed but I also feel like I'm letting too many bad habits, behavior and tendencies to slip by because my wife is afraid of how the step kids will take it or something.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
A bit more backstory I moved my family out from the east coast to my hometown in California after being away from there for two years. My stepson stayed behind because he didn't want to move, so he's living with his grandparents where we had all been living together for a time. His twin sister was feeling more adventurous so she came with us, so there's four of us in my household.
The issue is that my wife raised the kids with some kind of open door policy in her bedroom where they slept in her bed with her anytime they want and they often take naps on her bed. The problem is they still do this today, and they're 18 years old now. I on the other hand was raised where I had to get permission to go into my parents room because it was generally off limits, as I got older I learned the value of that and not only respected it but appreciated that they had their own private space in the home. Don't get me wrong, when my sister and I were kids we often watched TV in their room or would sleep there if we had nightmares but it was always with their permission or at their invitation.
Right now I'm sleeping in a different room because I have severe sleep apnea that I've yet to begin treating (no CPAP yet) so I snore very very loudly and it keeps my wife awake. Plus we don't have a big enough bed.
But it bothers me that I feel like my stepdaughter spends more time in my/our bedroom than I do, and often times when she's taking a nap I feel like I can't go in there to change clothes or take a shower or really do anything because it all feels too inappropriate. It's not currently an issue that her brother does it too because he's not living with us at the moment but there's a reasonable expectation that he's going to move out here and join us in the next 6-8 months or so, at which point I'm concerned that'll start happening again. And if I have a problem with his sister sleeping and napping in our bed and generally spending half her waking hours in our room, it's that much more of a problem for me when it comes to her son. I just find it highly inappropriate that her 18-year-old son would sleep in the same bed as her, or that he helps himself to our bedroom + bed whenever he pleases. This was an issue before when we were all under the same roof but I felt guilted into letting it slide because my wife is always so concerned about his emotional state (which for the record: I think he uses his perpetual "melancholy" as a manipulative tool to control people around him).
What's a benign way to establish a boundary that grown kids (really, they're young adults) don't need to be hanging out in our bedroom or sleeping in our bed. They have their own. Anytime I might've broached the subject my wife gets very defensive and takes it very personally; she suggests I don't like her kids (false). So I'm not sure how to approach this anymore, but as a husband, father, and head of the household I believe I'm well within my rights to establish this and say "No, this room is for us and the baby only unless I say otherwise." I don't want to be too heavy handed but I also feel like I'm letting too many bad habits, behavior and tendencies to slip by because my wife is afraid of how the step kids will take it or something.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
