How Much Abuse is Enough?

[FeelingSteppedOn]

Hello everyone. I'm kinda new here and I've been going through a lot this year with my husband and step-daughter. I feel as though I'm at my wits end with my husband though and don't know what to do. I was going to see about looking into divorce, but I thought I'd try to talk to someone and see if I'm just over reacting to a situation that can be changed around for the better.

First I want to say that I know I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to imply any such thing with what I'm going to say about my situation.

My husband and I met at church and got to know each other over the course of a year before he asked me to marry him. We would always talk about God and the Bible and I loved it because I was in love with Jesus and only wanted what God wanted for me - which of course included a mate. We've now been married for 14 years yet everything seems to be spiraling out of control. Every day it's a constant walking on egg shells wondering if he is going to go on one of his insulting rampages. Two days ago he walked in and told me that I should have thanked him for cleaning my Suburban on the inside and the outside and that I have no appreciation for what he does and that I am so rude that I can't even say "Thank you" to anything or anyone (I didn't know he had just cleaned it until he spouted all this). He called me lazy and told me that after I come home from work every day I should clean the house and make dinner and do that every day instead of coming home hoping to have a little relaxation before I have to go to sleep and get up at 5 am to go to work the next day. He has actually called me an A-hole among other things and always seems to know how I think even if I never thought the way he says I thought. He tells people lies about me when I'm not around so I can't defend myself and tell them what he said isn't true. He keeps telling me I'm not a Christian because I don't appreciate him. At times it seems like he is Satan himself and I feel so helpless.

I'm buying the house we live in with the money I get from my full time job. Even though we are married, we sleep in separate rooms and I can't remember the last time it felt like we were married. I just feel like I'm living with a roommate that likes to verbally abuse me any chance he can get and it's really frustrating.

 

[FeelingSteppedOn]

Sorry I seemed to be all over the place in my writing, but it's just so overwhelming I don't know where to start.

I love him and want him to do what's right, but I know I can't make him do something he doesn't want to do. I highly doubt he wants our marriage the way it is as he keeps blaming me for everything that's wrong and what he thinks I should do, but going to counseling isn't one of those things. He just doesn't think anything is wrong with him. I've been trying to get him to go to church and he doesn't want to even do that anymore. He says the church I've been going to has some things that are wrong and he will not go there. I keep telling him that no one is perfect, so to find a perfect church seriously isn't going to happen.

 

[FeelingSteppedOn]

He isn't going to church right now and has refused to over the past year and a half. I agree about the communication thing, but he doesn't try to communicate with me. When I suggest going out or somewhere he says he's busy and can't go. He used to always want to go places and do things, but not anymore. I try to talk to him about what we are going through, but it always ends in him insulting me and telling me how useless I am to him. I treat him as if we aren't even married is what he keeps telling me. I go to this Bible study every week and it ended up falling on my birthday this year and everyone had a party planned for me and he knew it, but kept me from going and I missed it. I had to apologize because they had bought a cake, made food, and everything. I felt terrible. He told me I was married to him and that I needed to spend my birthday with him and not anyone else.

Sorry if that was out of nowhere... I just had to vent that one.

 

[puregrl]

He sounds controlling along with being abusive. I have been there and know it does nothing but crush your spirit. It is very destructive. It does take two to make a marriage work. Two people working hard and loving each other. The first thought is counseling, someone for him and you to talk to. But he has to think there is something wrong in order to even go. So that can be difficult. Is there any way to get him involved with a couples bible study? Maybe go hang out with some Godly friends? Keep praying above all. Something must have changed in him to go from where he was to where he is now. I wish I knew what to tell you.

 

[bethrow]

To not allow you to go to your bible study birthday was heartless and cruel. Why can't you spend your birthday with others and spend the rest of your birthday with him? Why does it just have to be with him? It seems that he was jealous.
If you can't go to couple's counselling then I would suggest you get counseling for yourself.
Only you know what is the right thing to do. He does sound controlling and verbally abusive.

 

[Angeldove97]

Posts by non-married members have been deleted from this thread. Please remember that if you are not married, you should NOT be posting in the Married Couples area or any of its' sub-forums (such as this one).

 

[Autumnleaf]

When we decide its enough and we are ready to be treated better we usually find ourselves changing the boundaries of what we are willing to tolerate from people, and if people don't meet our criteria we move away from them until they do.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I'd like to suggest a book that my therapist recommended...my husband is much like yours...
Why does He do that: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft.

I would also strongly suggest finding a therapist who is experienced in dealing with victims of verbal and emotional abuse.

Long story...very short version...my husband is an abuser. We are separated after he chose to destroy certain things and I had him arrested on domestic violence charges. We are attempting to work towards reconciliation, but it has been and will continue to be a long process.

 

[Johnnz]

Enough is enough. He no longer has a Christian basis to his life. You need help and support. He has abandoned a married relationship. I suggest separation on your terms, which you will need advice for and support.

John
NZ

 

[David4223]

Praying for your situation and I hope you find peace and comfort.

 

[mimi75042]

Tell me about it, it's a really hard thing to do. I am going through the same thing with my husband. It seems like every other day he's angry/mad at me, and he's always blaming me for everything. He gets mad at me for no reason and then he goes on a "non talking spree vengance" with me. He likes to ignore me and when I do the same thing to him, he gets mad. It seems like he is the only one who has the RIGHT to get mad/upset and take it out on me but let it be far for me to treat him in the same manner that he treats me. I have also been struggling with my husband and my marriage. All I can tell you is to pray and pray hard. GOD is the only one that can come in and change our situation and our husbands. I am in constant prayer with my husband and marriage. I am a very strong person, but sometimes even that has it's limits.

 

[abacabb3]

Hello everyone. I'm kinda new here and I've been going through a lot this year with my husband and step-daughter. I feel as though I'm at my wits end with my husband though and don't know what to do. I was going to see about looking into divorce, but I thought I'd try to talk to someone and see if I'm just over reacting to a situation that can be changed around for the better.

First I want to say that I know I'm not perfect and I'm not trying to imply any such thing with what I'm going to say about my situation.

My husband and I met at church and got to know each other over the course of a year before he asked me to marry him. We would always talk about God and the Bible and I loved it because I was in love with Jesus and only wanted what God wanted for me - which of course included a mate. We've now been married for 14 years yet everything seems to be spiraling out of control. Every day it's a constant walking on egg shells wondering if he is going to go on one of his insulting rampages. Two days ago he walked in and told me that I should have thanked him for cleaning my Suburban on the inside and the outside and that I have no appreciation for what he does and that I am so rude that I can't even say "Thank you" to anything or anyone (I didn't know he had just cleaned it until he spouted all this). He called me lazy and told me that after I come home from work every day I should clean the house and make dinner and do that every day instead of coming home hoping to have a little relaxation before I have to go to sleep and get up at 5 am to go to work the next day. He has actually called me an A-hole among other things and always seems to know how I think even if I never thought the way he says I thought. He tells people lies about me when I'm not around so I can't defend myself and tell them what he said isn't true. He keeps telling me I'm not a Christian because I don't appreciate him. At times it seems like he is Satan himself and I feel so helpless.

I'm buying the house we live in with the money I get from my full time job. Even though we are married, we sleep in separate rooms and I can't remember the last time it felt like we were married. I just feel like I'm living with a roommate that likes to verbally abuse me any chance he can get and it's really frustrating.

Simple rule: You cannot dissolve a marriage over "emotional abuse." The Scripture says that only sexual immortality is grounds for divorce. I'm sure both of you guys are jerks to one another. Read up on my posts. My wife and I were being extremely disrespectful to one another and not sacrificing for one another. Being a "jerk" is not sufficient to leave a marriage.

Here's what you need to do. Be like Christ. Love him, be kind, and go out of the way to do the little things that would be nice to do. Doesn't matter if he's not grateful. Christ died for you when it was your sin that nailed him to that cross. Christ showed us what love is by laying down His life for us, so we ought to love one another.


Honestly, the fact you are posting here looking for vindication that your husband is "abusing" you is a slap in his face. Read 1 Peter 3 and realize that the first 8 verses apply to both of you. And practice it, even if he's no good to you. Lastly, show some respect to your husband and don't accuse him of abuse unless he's being physically abusing you. More likely than not, his insults are no less abusive than the behaviors you respond to him in kind.

GOd bless both of you, I pray you will work it out. Find an older couple and get counseling at Church.

 

[Johnnz]

Simple rule: You cannot dissolve a marriage over "emotional abuse." The Scripture says that only sexual immortality is grounds for divorce. I'm sure both of you guys are jerks to one another. Read up on my posts. My wife and I were being extremely disrespectful to one another and not sacrificing for one another. Being a "jerk" is not sufficient to leave a marriage.

Here's what you need to do. Be like Christ. Love him, be kind, and go out of the way to do the little things that would be nice to do. Doesn't matter if he's not grateful. Christ died for you when it was your sin that nailed him to that cross. Christ showed us what love is by laying down His life for us, so we ought to love one another.


Honestly, the fact you are posting here looking for vindication that your husband is "abusing" you is a slap in his face. Read 1 Peter 3 and realize that the first 8 verses apply to both of you. And practice it, even if he's no good to you. Lastly, show some respect to your husband and don't accuse him of abuse unless he's being physically abusing you. More likely than not, his insults are no less abusive than the behaviors you respond to him in kind.

GOd bless both of you, I pray you will work it out. Find an older couple and get counseling at Church.

That can be both an inadequate understanding of the 'restrictive scriptures', which do take some careful thought, and dangerous. Serious abuse can destroy a person. In reality seriously abusive marriages were never addressed directly in the NT. We must recognise that fact just as we have come to recognise slavery as wrong without there being any NT edict for bidding it.

John
NZ

 

[Odetta]

Emotional abuse is just as valid as physical abuse.

 

[abacabb3]

Emotional abuse is just as valid as physical abuse.

Advice like this destroys marriages. Usually in an emotionally abusive situation, it is a two way street. There is no healing the situation if one places the blame of emotional abuse on the other and does not look upon themselves and see what he/she is doing emotionally to the other person.

Because the criteria is so subjective, it is no wonder the Scripture does not use it as a criteria.

 

[abacabb3]

That can be both an inadequate understanding of the 'restrictive scriptures', which do take some careful thought, and dangerous. Serious abuse can destroy a person. In reality seriously abusive marriages were never addressed directly in the NT. We must recognise that fact just as we have come to recognise slavery as wrong without there being any NT edict for bidding it.

John
NZ

As I said in the other post, emotional abuse is a two way street. People don't usually randomly treat other people like a jerk unless they feel slighted in some way. So, the question is how do we deal with people who hurt our feelings in a Christlike way.

 

[Johnnz]

As I said in the other post, emotional abuse is a two way street. People don't usually randomly treat other people like a jerk unless they feel slighted in some way. So, the question is how do we deal with people who hurt our feelings in a Christlike way.

You obviously have no understanding of/experience with psychologically unhealthy people. There is a huge difference between the more common poor relational skills and significantly deviant behaviour.

John
NZ

 

[abacabb3]

You obviously have no understanding of/experience with psychologically unhealthy people. There is a huge difference between the more common poor relational skills and significantly deviant behaviour.

John
NZ

I'm a human being, we are all psychologically unhealthy people that sin against God. Read the OP. This was not a behavior all along. It increased in time. It appears to me that they've been annoying each other over the years and have been ignoring what the Scripture says in 1 Peter 3.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

As I said in the other post, emotional abuse is a two way street. People don't usually randomly treat other people like a jerk unless they feel slighted in some way. So, the question is how do we deal with people who hurt our feelings in a Christlike way.

You have no idea what you're talking about regarding emotional abuse. It is NOT a "two-way" street.

I know this from first hand experience with emotional and physical abuse. I did nothing to deserve the abuse I got handed. I did nothing to deserve the temper tantrums, the destruction of my home, suicide threats, etc. NOTHING. Well, right up until I had enough and called the cops. However, I endured 15+ years of living with a man who was ALWAYS angry...who acted like a spoiled 12 year old with a drinking problem.

But hey...whatever you want to believe...

 

[abacabb3]

You have no idea what you're talking about regarding emotional abuse. It is NOT a "two-way" street.

I know this from first hand experience with emotional and physical abuse. I did nothing to deserve the abuse I got handed. I did nothing to deserve the temper tantrums, the destruction of my home, suicide threats, etc. NOTHING. Well, right up until I had enough and called the cops. However, I endured 15+ years of living with a man who was ALWAYS angry...who acted like a spoiled 12 year old with a drinking problem.

But hey...whatever you want to believe...

There's no justification for any abuse, especially physical abuse, but let's be hones. Are you a sinner? Don't you deserve to go to hell if it were not for Christ dying for you on the cross? Then, how can you say you've done absolutely nothing?

We're all sinful.