How men view friendships versus women

[DragsAndRags]

Hi all!

I have a question to ask regarding a possibly fundamental difference between how men and women form and maintain their friendships.

The reason I'm asking, is that I have a guy friend, who says he considers me as one of his best friends. However, he seems to a really loose definition of what a friend is to him. Or, maybe this is a fundamental difference to how men and women approach friendships?

As a woman, what I usually expect from any reasonably good friendship whether it's with a guy or a girl is:

• Hanging out regularly (maybe once every other week, or even once a week if we're really good friends).
• Maybe calling or e-mailing if we haven't been able to hang out in a while due to real life responsibilities, just so we can touch base. I'm not much for calling (I hate phones, they scare me), but I'm willing to go the extra mile if the other person is. I do like to e-mail, since I can collect my thoughts better.
• Both inviting each other to hang out one-on-one or in groups of people. Hanging out can take very little time, even just 10 or 20 minutes to chat, or it can be several hours of fun.
• Letting each other know our problems in life so we can pray for one another, and remembering each others problems long enough to pray! (He often doesn't remember important things about myself months later after telling him.)

That's just my perspective on what a good friendship is, coming from a woman.

What do men usually expect? It seems they're content to hang out with a friend only once every six months--and they'll call that person they're best friend! But maybe I'm stereotyping? Is it reasonable of me to expect him to take turns inviting me, rather than me doing all the inviting? We've been friends for several years. Sometimes he has moments where he shines, but I often wonder if what he really wants is an acquaintance-ship? I've asked him before to start inviting me and coming up with his own ideas for hanging out. He said he would, but I'm still waiting....

Men, is this normal male behavior with all their friends? Or maybe he's just treating me like this because I'm female? We don't want a relationship with each other. We just want to be friends, or so I thought. He used to call me once in a while if I was sick for two months. But he hasn't done that in a long time. I'm wondering if I should just put my friend energies into making a new friend, or if I should be patient with him because he's just being a guy and this is how guys view all their friendships?

Either way, this is an interesting topic I'd like to learn more about, for any future guy friends I might make. Ladies, what expectations do you have from your own friends, male or female? I'm sure we can all learn something new from each other!

 

[Big Country]

Sounds like a normal guy to me.

Generally speaking (there's exceptions to every rule) it goes something like this, based on my own experience.
- What you would call an aquaintance-ship he would call a friendship
- What you would call a friendship he would call a relationship.
- What you would call a relationship he would call serious committment.
- What you would call serious committment he would call bondage.

He probably does consider you to be a close friend, but in his mind that doesn't equate to physical closeness - especially when you're claiming that it's just a friendship

One of my best friends stood up with me on my wedding day. I didn't talk to him for ~2 years after that. Still considered him to be one of my best friends... At the same time, I spend tons of time around people that I consider to be nothing more than aquaintances. Doesn't have anything to do with proximity, to me.

 

[freeport]

Hi all!

I have a question to ask regarding a possibly fundamental difference between how men and women form and maintain their friendships.

The reason I'm asking, is that I have a guy friend, who says he considers me as one of his best friends. However, he seems to a really loose definition of what a friend is to him. Or, maybe this is a fundamental difference to how men and women approach friendships?

<snip>

No difference -- the difference between men and women is really 'of the flesh', and not much to it.


What is different... are people's perspectives. Girls can have hidden crushes on guy friends, and guys can have hidden crushes on girl friends.


People communicate - much of it unconsciously - the thoughts of their own heart. That gets sent and received. People don't want to acknowledge that, because these are matters where they try and hide things. And much of the whole courtship ritual are just that.


When I have friends who are girls... I have zero - as in "never, ever" - such thoughts about them. You have one, or a few such thoughts, and not fleeting... but anywhere in time... and that changes things. Doors are either open or shut -- even if someone doesn't dwell on it.


Put another way: people are not dumb, and just as Jesus knew the hearts of men, really, so do we when in close proximity. (But Jesus was and is conscious of what everyone else tends to be "unconscious" of... and also knows the hearts and minds of all people, or can, whether they are staring Him in the face or not.)


Why, then, do women or men keep "friends" whom they know have some desires of them? People in the wings, perhaps? Like, I am on a job search, I have my heart set on a certain job, but I also do not close the door on other possible jobs -- who knows which one is really right and best for me?

It can be surprising... as we simply do not have God's vantage point, who is - as even unbelievers know full and well - omniscient.

(And all powerful...)

 

[DragsAndRags]

Generally speaking (there's exceptions to every rule) it goes something like this, based on my own experience.
- What you would call an aquaintance-ship he would call a friendship
- What you would call a friendship he would call a relationship.
- What you would call a relationship he would call serious committment.
- What you would call serious committment he would call bondage.

Thanks! That made me laugh!

Do you think it would be of any benefit if I talked to him and tried to translate woman-speak to men-speak, using this scientific model you have provided? I'm wondering if it would be worthwhile to try to negotiate some common set of expectations from our friendship to where we're both happy with it. Like, maybe we don't call each other, or don't invite each other much, but we hang out once a month or so over pizza or whatever to catch up?

Women like some regularity. We usually stop regarding each other as friends after two years goes by, unlike in your case. We'll view each other as "drifted apart" and "used to be friends" or "old friends" when that much time goes by without making some sort of contact. I'm hoping my friend and I can find some middle ground.

Thank you both very much for your replies!

 

[christandisrael]

Depends on who you are....

 

[bonjourecosse]

I would say it is a fairly normal situation.

I went to my friend's wedding this year. Although we grew up together I hadn't seen him for 4 years. Within 10 minutes of being there it was like we had never been apart.
I've not seen him since, but would still call him a good friend and hope that he would do the same.

We are both there for each other if the other needs us. I think that, or someone who is always up for having a few beers with and talking nonsense is how most guys think of friendships.

Of course we do have deeper friendships but I suppose the average man chooses to have fewer of these deeper/vulnerable friendships than the average woman. Perhaps it is genetic.

 

[Brikz 3:16]

Drags and Rags,

It's simple. Men don't have female friends. They only have girls they are currently banging, girls they've banged in the passed and keep around to bang occassionally on a lonely night, and girls they are trying to bang. My guess is you fall into this third category. The problem is, a guy will only put up with a woman's bs for so long before the time/admin becomes > the conquest of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Stop being such a cocktease and I bet this guy will want to hangout with you more often. If you're not gonna bang him, at least swallow his balls on occassion. Problem solved.

 

[freeport]

Drags and Rags,

It's simple. Men don't have female friends. They only have girls they are currently banging, girls they've banged in the passed and keep around to bang occassionally on a lonely night, and girls they are trying to bang. My guess is you fall into this third category. The problem is, a guy will only put up with a woman's bs for so long before the time/admin becomes > the conquest of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Stop being such a cocktease and I bet this guy will want to hangout with you more often. If you're not gonna bang him, at least swallow his balls on occassion. Problem solved.

I disagree -- I have no problem having female friends with whom I have zero thought of anything fleshly.

And that is communicated, as always, whatever is in the heart.

 

[Big Country]

Thanks! That made me laugh!

Do you think it would be of any benefit if I talked to him and tried to translate woman-speak to men-speak, using this scientific model you have provided? I'm wondering if it would be worthwhile to try to negotiate some common set of expectations from our friendship to where we're both happy with it. Like, maybe we don't call each other, or don't invite each other much, but we hang out once a month or so over pizza or whatever to catch up?

Women like some regularity. We usually stop regarding each other as friends after two years goes by, unlike in your case. We'll view each other as "drifted apart" and "used to be friends" or "old friends" when that much time goes by without making some sort of contact. I'm hoping my friend and I can find some middle ground.

I think it's always beneficial to be honest and clear about your desires and expectations when it comes to relationships on any level. Otherwise, you're essentially running an emotional bait-n-switch operation.

In my limited experience, both in single life and in married life, about 150% of problems in a relationship are rooted in a communication breakdown. This is a constant battle for male-female relationships since we/they communicate using completely different styles, assumptions, and paradigms. It's even harder when one of the people refuses to communicate honestly and openly, which is a common problem with men, myself included. Again, that's just based on my observations.

 

[98cwitr]

why do phones scare you?

 

[BRISH]

Geez, maybe I'm not as much female as I'd like to think I am.

I have very few friends, but I have had those same friends for most of my life. Our hanging out/socializing together doesnt have to be a consistant thing. There are times where we get together a couple times a year, or I see them daily at work and thats about it. I've never felt that any of them needed/wanted more effort than that on my part because they are the same as me in that thinking.

Maybe it is a gender issue. Maybe it's just a personality issue. It's probably a little bit of both.

Women do tend to get together more and plan. I think, from observing, that men dont and they dont think twice about it. There's no worrying about it. It's the knowing that they are "there".

What's important in my friendships is that when we really need each other, we are there for each other regardless. Me personally, I like to socialize and go out, but I'm more of a solitude person. So, the important thing for me is that I can depend on my friends at those infrequent moments when I really need them and that they can depend on me for the same.

 

[Straybullet]

Just wondering here, you must both be single. If you are, then as a guy, your definitions of friend fit just right, assuming there are no romantic links here. Anything else, I probably would still be running the other way...ok, maybe not running, but not really supporting the idea. Just my two cents worth