How many of us on here have no dating life?

[bèlla]

Girls for some reason think that their guy friends are immune to romantic feelings towards them

They expect the relationship to remain platonic. There are things you say to a friend you wouldn’t reveal to a suitor until things were settled. They know your business. That’s why they won’t consider him.

~bella

 

[Christopher Range]

Yeah, I get that. There seems be a middle line that girls should strive to walk, where they have courage enough to turn a guy down but also are gentle and loving enough to do it in a very kind way.

Even before, being kind during a break-up. Not taking a guy for an emotional ride. I had(or so I thought at the time) a meaningful relationship. That only lasted three weeks. It was 1986.
I was about to start my Senior year in high school. She was about to start her Sophomore year. We met in an auto repair class over the summer. I started to notice behaviors that were 'red flags '. Like making crank phone calls.
The break-up occurred over the phone, at 2am. She had her friend tell me. Her 'real' boyfriend had been released from the county jail, earlier that day. I could hear her in the background, while her friend was talking on the phone. When I told her friend, I didn't believe it. She started crying in the background. I told her that I wouldn't believe it. Until I heard it from her, not her friend. She admitted it.
Several years later, I ran into her mother. Her mother told me, that her daughter became a high school dropout. A few weeks after the break-up.

 

[bèlla]

I had(or so I thought at the time) a meaningful relationship. That only lasted three weeks. It was 1986.
I was about to start my Senior year in high school. She was about to start her Sophomore year.

I’m sorry you were hurt and agree she should have been honest with you. But things are murky during that period. I wouldn’t expect much maturity from someone 15 during a time when hormones and change are her norms.

High school connections are largely a phase and dependent on place (school). I discouraged my daughter against dating for that reason. They’re experimenting and the majority fall apart. Whether its a few weeks or 4 years. It rarely lasts and there’s a lot of hurt because of it (hence the suggestion).

~bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

They expect the relationship to remain platonic. There are things you say to a friend you wouldn’t reveal to a suitor until things were settled.

~bella

Really? There are things you'd say to a friend that you wouldn't say to a suitor? Not sure if I can agree on that.
Example?

 

[bèlla]

Really? There are things you'd say to a friend that you wouldn't say to a suitor? Not sure if I can agree on that. Example?

The difference between the pair is familiarity. Unless you’re acquainted with the suitor you’re addressing a stranger. There’s a cadence for relating in that situation. You don’t tell them everything or pour out your heart. You need to know who you’re talking to first and gauge their character.

Friends are different. You’ve already done that and know they’re trustworthy and the bond is built on parameters. You don’t expect their attraction and probably don’t invite it unless you want attention. It doesn’t take long to realize you like someone. Even when you deny it. It’s a different feeling from a pal.

I don’t date my friends. We’re friends because I’m not attracted or desirous of companionship. My feelings are wholly platonic. I’ve been on the receiving end of revelations and it didn’t go over well. They welcomed my admissions and offered support when I spoke about other men. But they never acknowledged their attraction while doing so and that bothered me.

It always came out and I felt betrayed. There’s no way you’re talking to me for a year or more and you’re clueless. When they did I broke the connection. I couldn’t trust them.

I have someone I’ve known for many years. We didn’t get together in the past but I enjoy his company. I asked to be friends and he told me no. It could only go one way and I respected his honesty. I knew where he stood and that’s what I expect from a man.

If you like me tell me. Don’t be ho hum or take the buddy route. It won’t work. I like knowing where I stand and providing the same for him. I don’t have secret crushes. If I’m attracted to someone and think he might be what I’m looking for I put myself in his presence and go from there.

I don’t sit on the sidelines fantasizing or watching them from afar. Nor play the coy card or act disinterested. I don’t dance. I prefer honesty. It causes less confusion and hurt. That requires you to be direct. Reading between the lines and wondering what they mean is insensible.

To prevent future occurrences of my previous experiences I no longer discuss my private life with men. I’ll talk about other things but not my relationships. That eliminated the problem.

I used to have a lot of male friends and I know how they think because they told me. He’s watching me say and do things his companion won’t or what he yearns to experience. How do you expect him to respond? He likes it.

Most women focus on what you can do for her. Whereas I find ways to serve him and be a blessing. In a me-centered world that’s rare and desirable. Sometimes tucking in is best.

~bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

The difference between the pair is familiarity. Unless you’re acquainted with the suitor you’re addressing a stranger. There’s a cadence for relating in that situation. You don’t tell them everything or pour out your heart. You need to know who you’re talking to first and gauge their character.

Friends are different. You’ve already done that and know they’re trustworthy and the bond is built on parameters. You don’t expect their attraction and probably don’t invite it unless you want attention. It doesn’t take long to realize you like someone. Even when you deny it. It’s a different feeling from a pal.

I don’t date my friends. We’re friends because I’m not attracted or desirous of companionship. My feelings are wholly platonic. I’ve been on the receiving end of revelations and it didn’t go over well. They welcomed my admissions and offered support when I spoke about other men. But they never acknowledged their attraction while doing so and that bothered me.

It always came out and I felt betrayed. There’s no way you’re talking to me for a year or more and you’re clueless. When they did I broke the connection. I couldn’t trust them.

I have someone I’ve known for many years. We didn’t get together in the past but I enjoy his company. I asked to be friends and he told me no. It could only go one way and I respected his honesty. I knew where he stood and that’s what I expect from a man.

If you like me tell me. Don’t be ho hum or take the buddy route. It won’t work. I like knowing where I stand and providing the same for him. I don’t have secret crushes. If I’m attracted to someone and think he might be what I’m looking for I put myself in his presence and go from there.

I don’t sit on the sidelines fantasizing or watching them from afar. Nor play the coy card or act disinterested. I don’t dance. I prefer honesty. It causes less confusion and hurt. That requires you to be direct. Reading between the lines and wondering what they mean is insensible.

To prevent future occurrences of my previous experiences I no longer discuss my private life with men. I’ll talk about other things but not my relationships. That eliminated the problem.

I used to have a lot of male friends and I know how they think because they told me. He’s watching me say and do things his companion won’t or what he yearns to experience. How do you expect him to respond? He likes it.

Most women focus on what you can do for her. Whereas I find ways to serve him and be a blessing. In a me-centered world that’s rare and desirable. Sometimes tucking in is best.

~bella

Oh. I am trying to recall a scenario that was closest to your's. Not sure if you're familiar with the Meetup site (a dot com). For different activities people got to gether for hiking, kayaking etc.

There was this one woman that tended to get along with men really well. Some asked her out, officially, but she would say something like "We can go out....as friends..."

And she'd mention to me that they'd be like "Suuure, yeah...let's do that" like they'd kind of go along with that and then a few times out more, they'd try to cross boundaries by using language that a boyfirend would like "Hon" or "Sweetie" in public. It would get real awkward if they went to social events together when he'd say that in front of people. And would even kind of get in her space.

Thing is though, she did mention how some of these "friendships" turned out to be attractive to her....as the friendship developed into something more. But MOST times, it did not as she never thought of her male friends as such.

So it was kind of on her leading them on.....maybe.

Esp. one good friend of mine from the group as it got to the point where they even slept in the same travel trailer together on a camping trip with other members No, they didn't sleep in the same bed, but slept in different areas of the trailer.

When they were driving home together, he asked her to be his girlfriend and she was like "Um...no!"

Talk about him receiving mixed signals...poor guy. Eventually these guys get bitter.

When I hear these situations, I always think of these rom coms where there's some male friend pining for a female friend, and he chases her down at the airport, blah blah...they fall in love and "It was him ALL ALONG!" lol

 

[bèlla]

Thing is though, she did mention how some of these "friendships" turned out to be attractive to her....as the friendship developed into something more. But MOST times, it did not as she never thought of her male friends as such.

She was open to the possibility of more but for the most part it never happened. But that isn’t an option with me. I’ve never dated a friend. Even during my teens. Nor was I friends with schoolgirl crushes. We were pals and got along but never close. The otherness prevented it.

Unlike her, I understand my power and wield it wisely. You have to be cognizant of the effect you have on the opposite sex. If they’re responding to your vibe its disingenuous to surround yourself with them. That’s like dangling a carrot and saying look but don’t touch.

If I followed suit I’d have a problem. I’m speaking their language and they’re going to respond at some point. What man doesn’t want someone who loves, respects, and honors him and wants to follow his lead?

You have to be discriminating and use commonsense. Nice and friendly is fine. But don’t put yourself in his face. Or wave the unattainable under his nose and get upset when he reacts.

You’re my brother but that doesn’t nullify your ability to view me as a potential wife and I know that. I don’t want a man to get hung up on me. I want him to find the one he needs and if we’re friends it isn’t me. If there was a possibility for more we’d explore it. But not as friends. I wouldn’t agree if I was interested.

Talk about him receiving mixed signals...poor guy. Eventually these guys get bitter.

He’s not blameless either. If you see a woman with a throng of men around her she’s never given a chance why would you sign on for that expecting a difference? You’d need to have something the other’s lack and instead of assuming you ought to spend time observing the ones she chose. How do you fare in relation to them? That’s her standard.

Instead of doing that he says, maybe she’ll give me a chance. That’s an emotional response not a logical one. He’s hoping and that’s his strategy. No wonder he’s bitter.

When I go on an interview I’m not hoping they give me a chance. I’m there because I’m qualified and possess the skills they need to get it done. That’s my position.

In like fashion, when I ask a man what he’s seeking in a companion and encourage him to paint me a picture I’m weighing his response against the same. Do I meet his standard and what would it take to bring it to fruition?

That’s where compromise comes in. If I don’t meet his standard am I willing to? What do I have to do, change or relinquish to make it happen? And does he meet mine?

It isn’t a complicated juggernaut. In most instances it comes down to two things: What do I have to accept or forgo to make it work? I make a rational decision and it doesn’t take long. Because I’m not in my feelings. I’m weighing the reality of our togetherness and questioning my willingness to stay the course.

It’s not about giving someone a chance. It’s seeing the person as-is and asking myself can you live with it?

~bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Right, it's always good to make clear your intentions...the thing is though, I could be wrong, as a lot of women don't see it that way. But the older I get, I really don't have time for female buds...female/male friends are something that may be a young persons' game.

It surprised me that you did this early in the dating game, in your teens.

I do have a handful of female friends, but I I have a cap.

Though...when I express my viewpoint the way you do, I'm teetering on whether or not I should keep it ot myself. LIke I would be seen as close-minded or just an outright jerk for not being open to friendships with women.

That comes off, at least from their perspective, as always being "on the prowl" and it comes off as desperate or needy.

Maybe as a woman you can get away with this? Maybe it's a double standard?

For instance, today I went on a Meetup outing, met and chatted with a woman from the group. Of course, many were no-shows, but I had a nice time talking to her. Seems many cut out early (before the Meetup was over) and she said she had wanted to attend the local event in the area, but I didn't invite myself to join her, because from the sounds of it, she was ready to go at it solo (not join her, and follow her to the local market a block away).

So basically, everyone cut out had things they had to do on their own. I think some people wanted to still hang out as they had more spare time.

Anyways, I figured I'd might send her a message, and get a feel of her, perhaps even ask her out as she's new in town. Though I'd like to see them on the regular, you may not see them in a while or even again...if ever. These group kind of have a revolving door of people coming and going.

She was open to the possibility of more but for the most part it never happened. But that isn’t an option with me. I’ve never dated a friend. Even during my teens. Nor was I friends with schoolgirl crushes. We were pals and got along but never close. The otherness prevented it.

Unlike her, I understand my power and wield it wisely. You have to be cognizant of the effect you have on the opposite sex. If they’re responding to your vibe its disingenuous to surround yourself with them. That’s like dangling a carrot and saying look but don’t touch.

If I followed suit I’d have a problem. I’m speaking their language and they’re going to respond at some point. What man doesn’t want someone who loves, respects, and honors him and wants to follow his lead?

You have to be discriminating and use commonsense. Nice and friendly is fine. But don’t put yourself in his face. Or wave the unattainable under his nose and get upset when he reacts.

You’re my brother but that doesn’t nullify your ability to view me as a potential wife and I know that. I don’t want a man to get hung up on me. I want him to find the one he needs and if we’re friends it isn’t me. If there was a possibility for more we’d explore it. But not as friends. I wouldn’t agree if I was interested.



He’s not blameless either. If you see a woman with a throng of men around her she’s never given a chance why would you sign on for that expecting a difference? You’d need to have something the other’s lack and instead of assuming you ought to spend time observing the ones she chose. How do you fare in relation to them? That’s her standard.

Instead of doing that he says, maybe she’ll give me a chance. That’s an emotional response not a logical one. He’s hoping and that’s his strategy. No wonder he’s bitter.

When I go on an interview I’m not hoping they give me a chance. I’m there because I’m qualified and possess the skills they need to get it done. That’s my position.

In like fashion, when I ask a man what he’s seeking in a companion and encourage him to paint me a picture I’m weighing his response against the same. Do I meet his standard and what would it take to bring it to fruition?

That’s where compromise comes in. If I don’t meet his standard am I willing to? What do I have to do, change or relinquish to make it happen? And does he meet mine?

It isn’t a complicated juggernaut. In most instances it comes down to two things: What do I have to accept or forgo to make it work? I make a rational decision and it doesn’t take long. Because I’m not in my feelings. I’m weighing the reality of our togetherness and questioning my willingness to stay the course.

It’s not about giving someone a chance. It’s seeing the person as-is and asking myself can you live with it?

Basically, a lot women see a man as desperate or needy if he's not willing to be friends first with her.
Apparently, "Friends first' and some will admit to this in a dating profile...is a defensive stance to keep men at bay with their desperation or it's an if a man isn't willing to go along with this, he's just wanting to sleep with her (yes, they do think this)

~bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I wanted to add this new guy at work, freshly new...was already scouting out the lady co-workers. Girlfriend shopping. He asked this one co-worker out, and now they are like 6 months in.

I was very surprised on him asking out a co-worker, because that's pretty risky. Esp, if he was rejected and now she has the knowledge that he has thing for her. And you're working around each other all the time. Luckily, she left a month later to work somewhere else.

But still...

She is highly devout Christian, too.

 

[bèlla]

It surprised me that you did this early in the dating game, in your teens.

If I like you I don’t want to be your friend I want to be more. Pretending won’t change that. It never occurred to me to broach it differently. The truth was staring me in the face.

I do have a handful of female friends, but I I have a cap.

I have three I converse with in different ways. One I’ve been involved with, there’s history with another and the third was always platonic. My discourse differs with each and is tailored to the person and respective positions. While I share openly (to a point) with the first two there’s nuances involved.

I don’t bare myself to a man who desires me. There’s limitations on what I’ll share with the one I’ve dated. Because I’m always an option. If he’s with another and talking to me he’s comparing us and I know it. I don’t want to feed that.

While Mr. Platonic has never expressed interest he’s still a man. We’ve been acquainted for years and I know what he likes. We don’t talk about relationships. I don’t want trip his switch. That doesn’t prevent him from desiring me. But he’s wise enough to remain silent. He accepts his place and I respect him for it.

Though...when I express my viewpoint the way you do, I'm teetering on whether or not I should keep it ot myself. LIke I would be seen as close-minded or just an outright jerk for not being open to friendships with women.

You set the tone for your connections. I don’t befriend men I’m attracted to. He’s off-limits in that respect. You have to look beyond the moment. It’s my responsibility to protect my marriage (on my end). I can’t fill my circle with men who desire me or I’m susceptible to. That’s madness.

It doesn’t matter how nice he is or how well we get along. He’s a temptation. While all is well it isn’t a factor. But what happens when problems come and difficult seasons arise? I can’t put a wolf in my camp and expect him to behave. That’s how affairs happen.

The people in my life are safe and aren’t a threat to the covenant. That includes men and women. They’ll offer support and hold us in prayer. Not promote an exit or present themselves as an alternative.

That comes off, at least from their perspective, as always being "on the prowl" and it comes off as desperate or needy.

It doesn’t matter how it seems to them. Why do they need your friendship? What are they getting out of it? Are you a fallback for some or Dr. Phil?

Maybe as a woman you can get away with this? Maybe it's a double standard?

Gender rules notwithstanding, I understand human nature and I’m not self-destructive. If 50% of marriages fail you have to be more intentional about its influences. The people who have his ear and mine matter. Their words will be edifying or otherwise.

Anyways, I figured I'd might send her a message, and get a feel of her, perhaps even ask her out as she's new in town.

If you enjoyed her company do it. Find something fun you’ll enjoy and go from there. Don’t think too much. Just do it.

~bella

 

[ThisIsMe123]

If I like you I don’t want to be your friend I want to be more. Pretending won’t change that. It never occurred to me to broach it differently. The truth was staring me in the face.



I have three I converse with in different ways. One I’ve been involved with, there’s history with another and the third was always platonic. My discourse differs with each and is tailored to the person and respective positions. While I share openly (to a point) with the first two there’s nuances involved.

I don’t bare myself to a man who desires me. There’s limitations on what I’ll share with the one I’ve dated. Because I’m always an option. If he’s with another and talking to me he’s comparing us and I know it. I don’t want to feed that.

While Mr. Platonic has never expressed interest he’s still a man. We’ve been acquainted for years and I know what he likes. We don’t talk about relationships. I don’t want trip his switch. That doesn’t prevent him from desiring me. But he’s wise enough to remain silent. He accepts his place and I respect him for it.



You set the tone for your connections. I don’t befriend men I’m attracted to. He’s off-limits in that respect. You have to look beyond the moment. It’s my responsibility to protect my marriage (on my end). I can’t fill my circle with men who desire me or I’m susceptible to. That’s madness.

It doesn’t matter how nice he is or how well we get along. He’s a temptation. While all is well it isn’t a factor. But what happens when problems come and difficult seasons arise? I can’t put a wolf in my camp and expect him to behave. That’s how affairs happen.

The people in my life are safe and aren’t a threat to the covenant. That includes men and women. They’ll offer support and hold us in prayer. Not promote an exit or present themselves as an alternative.



It doesn’t matter how it seems to them. Why do they need your friendship? What are they getting out of it? Are you a fallback for some or Dr. Phil?



Gender rules notwithstanding, I understand human nature and I’m not self-destructive. If 50% of marriages fail you have to be more intentional about its influences. The people who have his ear and mine matter. Their words will be edifying or otherwise.



If you enjoyed her company do it. Find something fun you’ll enjoy and go from there. Don’t think too much. Just do it.

~bella

I think there's some term floating around the Pence effect. You know, where a married man isn't allowed to be alone with a unmarried woman (or vice-versa) alone, in the same room together alone. Even if it's in a professional setting.

The bolded, like Nike

You're attitude is liberating, none of this nebulous, back and forth stuff. I was Dr. Phil to too many women in the past.

 

[bèlla]

I think there's some term floating around the Pence effect. You know, where a married man isn't allowed to be alone with a unmarried woman (or vice-versa) alone, in the same room together alone. Even if it's in a professional setting.

If being alone with the opposite sex compels you to cross the line or entertain thoughts that compromise your marriage you shouldn’t ignore it.

I don’t have that problem. I have no difficulty engaging with men. After all, that’s the demographic here. ;-)

But I’m not entertaining the lot of you elsewhere as a Christian Dear Abby or something similar. Everything is public and that isn’t accidental.

You're attitude is liberating, none of this nebulous, back and forth stuff. I was Dr. Phil to too many women in the past.

Thank you. It’s countercultural for some. But I won’t use men as a shoulder or holding place. It’s unloving and deprives them of meaningful companionship. Don’t settle for less.

~bella