How many is "too many" partners?

[CrusaderKing]

All we have to go on is the choice patterns people have made in their past.

Some people prefer those that have erred on the side of caution more so than not.
I fail to see this as being judgmental or evil of any kind. People are fond of not letting their words match their actions. Simply having a desire doesn't equate to actually allowing that desire to become an action for many people.
And for many people that is a deal breaker.

Unfortunately, that is judgmental. You've painted people with a single paintbrush, which qualifies.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

it is about choices...

When selecting a life partner there isn't anyone out there who will or can know the future.

All we have to go on is the choice patterns people have made in their past.

Some people prefer those that have erred on the side of caution more so than not.
I fail to see this as being judgmental or evil of any kind. People are fond of not letting their words match their actions. Simply having a desire doesn't equate to actually allowing that desire to become an action for many people.
And for many people that is a deal breaker.

I wonder how many such people can honestly claim never to have made bad choices of their own?

 

[Janetlove]

Right, because the thought of people talking about you behind your back is worth abandoning true love for.

I'm a lesbian in the Army... sorry, but you're going to have a hard time selling me on the idea of abandoning a chance at hapiness because of fear of being talked about.

Yep. Men with a high number of partners wouldn't get past hello with me. So it would never reach the level of love. Never have, never will. We can be friends all day. But dating, heck no.

 

[Themistocles]

I'm with explodingboy. While it's certainly true that the world's a mysterious place and that people aren't always what you'd expect, it's also true that history tells. Someone who has sex outside of committed, long-term relationships isn't likely to share my values. And they're likely to bring intentional or unintentional pressure to the relationship.

I always find it amusing that you're accused of "prudery" whenever you take this position, as if sexuality is the only value where discernment is forbidden. If a liberal refuses to date a conservative- well, she's simply being practical. They don't, after all, see the world the same way. But doesn't this seem odd? If you disagree about politics you can always not talk about it. If you disagree about sex, life goals, etc, what are you to do? How do you paper over those sorts of differences?

Of course, I'm a Christian so I believe in the salvific power of Christ- theoretically I can envision a prodigal daughter come back home. If you're an atheist like explodingboy you're, rightly, bound to be skeptical of those who've claimed to have "changed" their ways and priorities. An atheist who believes in monogamy, committment, etc ought to be MORE picky about examining their partner's past; after all, it can't simply be wiped away.

 

[CrusaderKing]

I wonder how many such people can honestly claim never to have made bad choices of their own?

More importantly, I wonder if some people would find it fair if their pasts (any type of skeleton) were used against them.

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

As long as he tests clean and is serious about monogamy, I'm not bothered by a high/moderate number of partners. This would be dependent on age obviously, a person can have been involved in several serious, meaningful sexual relationships by my age. A willingness to have cheap, meaningless sex is not nessisarily indicated by their number of partners, unless the number is obviously inflated beyond a reasonable level. Someone may also have had nothing but meaningless encounters but be low on the partner count. A good friend of mine is a great example.. He has no luck with the ladies and is a virgin, but wouldn't bother with a relationship if he could get sex without faking one. I'd rather date a reformed male prostitute.

To me, it makes more sense to evaluate 'baggage' and attitude toward sexuality directly rather than indirectly through partner number.

 

[Sunset2009]

"Gross".

Nope. No judgement here.

Awww.

A judgment would be, "People who sleep with more than 3 partners are all prostitutes." It being gross, is a matter of opinion.

 

[Wren]

There is no set number with me. Or even a number range. I doubt it would ever come up in discussion. Discussions of STDs? Sure, but you can get one of those from only having one sexual partner. I've said it before, but I think there are so many more important things to look at in a significant other than their sexual history.

 

[Marycita]

My thoughts on this are pretty much the same as the thoughts I've put in other threads

if he is a repentant Christian, I don't care. A certain number isn't going to change that...it doesn't change what Jesus would forgive and forget.

 

[Im_A]

How many sexual partners do you personally consider too many?


This thread is just out of curiousity. From the "Would You Marry Someoe with a High Number of Partners?" thread.

500. A thousand and more and one begins to show a lack of moral integrity.



































Now on a serious level, I don't think about the amount of partners. As long as she is clean, as long as she is faithful and as long as our moral/ethical views are meshable, that's all I really care about. Sure its something that comes into people's mind, but logic and reason outweigh pathetic concern of how many people got busy with if you ask me.

 

[JohnDB]

Unfortunately, that is judgmental. You've painted people with a single paintbrush, which qualifies.

Nope...it is accurately using wisdom as an indication of future performance. We are talking about a life partner here...not an activity partner.

I wonder how many such people can honestly claim never to have made bad choices of their own?

But again...it is choice patterns. One wrong choice here and there makes us human...to make a career and identity out if it makes a person a heathen despite their claims as to being otherwise.

 

[Im_A]

Nope...it is accurately using wisdom as an indication of future performance. We are talking about a life partner here...not an activity partner.

Hmm, if I applied that to word for word:
Then I should go after darker skinned women who are virgins because right now, the majority of my failures have been white non-virgins eh? Patterns seems to not be going anywhere successfully.

Which while I'm being sarcastic, I do view the past as something to consider. Yet I'm sure you and others here and I would disagree on the level of commitment to use the past to judge a person on.

 

[JohnDB]

Hmm, if I applied that to word for word:
Then I should go after darker skinned women who are virgins because right now, the majority of my failures have been white non-virgins eh? Patterns seems to not be going anywhere successfully.

Which while I'm being sarcastic, I do view the past as something to consider. Yet I'm sure you and others here and I would disagree on the level of commitment to use the past to judge a person on.

And that level of commitment is one of those things that calls for discernment and wisdom.

Lets look at an extreme example
A girl of 19 years of age, has had sexual partners numbering in the triple digits, and is now a Christian of two months. She falls in love with me and vows to be faithful...well...I am not going to doubt her sincerity but I am going to question her ability.

The spirit is willing but the body is weak.

And considering the life I have set before me a woman like that simply isn't going to fit in at all.

 

[Im_A]

And that level of commitment is one of those things that calls for discernment and wisdom.

Lets look at an extreme example
A girl of 19 years of age, has had sexual partners numbering in the triple digits, and is now a Christian of two months. She falls in love with me and vows to be faithful...well...I am not going to doubt her sincerity but I am going to question her ability.

The spirit is willing but the body is weak.

And considering the life I have set before me a woman like that simply isn't going to fit in at all.

Are you 19 or your age now because you've said yourself your own past in the other discussion so in all reality no matter how much you've repented, no matter how much you've changed, no woman can trust your ability to be faithful to her.

It works both ways John.

 

[JohnDB]

Are you 19 or your age now because you've said yourself your own past in the other discussion so in all reality no matter how much you've repented, no matter how much you've changed, no woman can trust your ability to be faithful to her.

It works both ways John.

I am over the hill...I am a forty something.

And yes, I fully expect that someone with a very very limited past to be very suspect of me....for good reason. We ain't coming from the same place.

But I do have a track record of Choice Patterns that I have made and continue to make that do tend to cover a lot of ground here as well as a longer history than any 19 year old woman.

And my Choice Patterns do explain me very well.

But I ain't about condemning anyone for choices that they have made...only using prudence when choosing a LIFE PARTNER

IN the ANE a woman who was just kicked out of her house and not divorced properly was left destitute and homeless
She couldn't get a divorce...often these women might "shack up" with another guy...living as husband and wife even though they couldn't get legally married.

The Pharisees found one of these women and asked him to start the stoning of this woman as what the Law said was proscribed.

This story can be found in John 8

Fireflight has written a song with her in mind as to what she might sing waiting and kneeling at Jesus' feet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWRJAHaOrYg

 

[Im_A]

I am over the hill...I am a forty something.

I meant in your example. Sorry for not wording that out.

And yes, I fully expect that someone with a very very limited past to be very suspect of me....for good reason. We ain't coming from the same place.

But I do have a track record of Choice Patterns that I have made and continue to make that do tend to cover a lot of ground here as well as a longer history than any 19 year old woman.

And my Choice Patterns do explain me very well.

Well your example falls pretty short of making too much point with me because your over the hill and your comparing a 19 year old woman to make your point? [scratching head]. Heck the 19 year old could be a virgin, purest of pure and nine times out of ten, she wouldn't be good for you.

Plus let's be honest, is your choice pattern really that trustworthy at this point in your life? I mean if you want to aim the questioning at women to be pure, better aim it at yourself as well.

Plus that woman that had a track record could theoretically change her patterns and choose you and it is pretty obvious more than woman does that. So, that way of looking at women as potential partners just gets flushed down the toilet. The unpredictable nature of human beings leads no one to think, they have some trustworthy measure to judge someone by using their past.

So while I agree with you in various of ways, I can't help but think very critical of the idea of using the past to rightfully judge a person.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

Nope...it is accurately using wisdom as an indication of future performance. We are talking about a life partner here...not an activity partner.



But again...it is choice patterns. One wrong choice here and there makes us human...to make a career and identity out if it makes a person a heathen despite their claims as to being otherwise.

I find the personification of people with more than a handful of sexual partners as having made a career and identity further supporting my position that this is more about knee jerk stereotyping and holier-than-thou judgement than about any issue that would actually have any tangible impact on a relationship.

Are you seriously suggesting that someone who has had sex with 8 people necessarily makes their sexuality more part of their identity than someone who has only had one sexual partner? Because I know people who are married to/living with their one and only sex poartner and they are like rabbits, whereas there are people who've had more than a few sex partners who don't actually ascribe sex a particularly high priority in their lives.

 

[MacFall]

According to God, more than one is too many. But also according to God, lust is the same as adultery, and I'm guilty of the former. So I'd be a hypocrite to shun a Godly woman because she made some mistakes.