How many is "too many" partners?

[Inkachu]

As long as they'd repented, changed, emotionally healed, and were disease-free, there is no "too many". The past is the past, and can't be changed. It's not like someone can go "Oh, you're only comfortable with me having been with this many people, let me go back in time and fix that so we can be a couple".

 

[Schneiderman]

If X is the number of times a person has been married, and Y is any number equal to or greater than 1, too many sexual partners is

X+Y

Not that I'm looking for someone who has already been married, but if it so happened that I ended up with a girl who was married but her husband died or something I would not hold that against her at all. Other than that... I hold myself to a particular standard and I expect a potential partner to meet the same standard I have held myself to.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

It isn't numbers....it is boundaries.

And when a person has had a high number of partners it means that they have difficulty with boundaries that others do not.

Since water finds it's own level...it simply means that Exploding Boy and you are not on the same water level.

The sheer majority of water levels inside of Christiandom being in Exploding Boy's camp.

I'm curious to know what "boundaries" you are refering to.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

If X is the number of times a person has been married, and Y is any number equal to or greater than 1, too many sexual partners is

X+Y

Not that I'm looking for someone who has already been married, but if it so happened that I ended up with a girl who was married but her husband died or something I would not hold that against her at all. Other than that... I hold myself to a particular standard and I expect a potential partner to meet the same standard I have held myself to.

Wow.

 

[gzt]

The baggage is not just emotional, but spiritual as well, in that sex is not just two bodies stimulating each other. I agree that you can't prejudge and that there's more to it than a number of sexual partners per se, but if some guy has been into hooking up with random girls for years and has slept with over 100 women, well, it's likely that you need to pay more attention to that than to some guy who had sex with a couple of his serious long-term girlfriends before he found Christ. You shouldn't judge either one, of course.

 

[explodingboy]

Do you anticipate making your standards more flexible as you age?

Obviously, the number comes from the rough idea that your keeping sex inside of reasonably committed relationships, because I'm not really interested in anything without commitment, simply put, if your averaging over 1 or 2 sexual partners a year it suggests your giving it up either a little bit too eagerly, or not learning from your mistakes (because it does take two to tango, and if they keep ending up with partners that leave the minute stuff gets serious it would suggest that maybe they need some time single)

abit more complicated than I meant, but yeah the older someone is the more partners it accounts for.

I just wonder, because I'm by no means "easy", I'm certainly not a "sleep with them on the third date" type girl... indeed, from most of the discussions with people my age I've had, my number of sexual partners is pretty average, if not a little on the low side, but by your standards, I'd be counted out of the running. (You know, if I were into exploding boys of course)

I know I'm far below what the average probably is, I've dated 1 person for 2 and half years, and just a moth or so into seeing someone new. I don't have a problem with people who have dated more partners than me, but if they're in a new relationship every couple of months.. it's highly likely they're not going to be right for me.

So, I think I'm an OK person, I certainly wouldn't preasure my new GF of the time to have sex on date 3, or 4, or 5 or any time until she was ready, so I guess I'm wondering why you (and people like you) are keen to disqualify me (and people like me) for what seems a fairly arbitrary reason?

It may seem arbitrary, but I disagree, I want to date someone with similar values to myself, and someone I can share my goals and ambitions with. The simple fact is, someone with a long sexual history, is not likely to be someone I can get along with, it's not a case of their wrong I'm right.. I just a simple fact of different priorities. Same way I wouldn't date someone that followed sports religiously, I don't have a problem with it.. I'm just not likely to get on with them.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

It may seem arbitrary, but I disagree, I want to date someone with similar values to myself, and someone I can share my goals and ambitions with. The simple fact is, someone with a long sexual history, is not likely to be someone I can get along with, it's not a case of their wrong I'm right.. I just a simple fact of different priorities. Same way I wouldn't date someone that followed sports religiously, I don't have a problem with it.. I'm just not likely to get on with them.

I wonder what points of contention you think will stop you from "getting along" with someone based on their sexual history?

Because honestly, in my experience, sexual history seems to have a limited correlation to personality type... there are people I like who have few sex partners, and people I don't get along with who have many sex partners, and people I don't get along with who have had few sex partners, and people I dearly care for who have had many. Has your experience been different?

 

[lostaquarium]

I don't see why anyone is offended by those who have "too high" standards. It just means there's a greater chance they'll remain single for the rest of their lives

 

[explodingboy]

I wonder what points of contention you think will stop you from "getting along" with someone based on their sexual history?

Because honestly, in my experience, sexual history seems to have a limited correlation to personality type... there are people I like who have few sex partners, and people I don't get along with who have many sex partners, and people I don't get along with who have had few sex partners, and people I dearly care for who have had many. Has your experience been different?

Don't be getting the impression this is anything carved in stone.

But you say that having lots of sex partners doesn't correlate to a personality type, I would disagree, for starters.. it suggests that don't do long relationships. When I'm looking for a life partner, someone who is hooking up with someone new on a regular basis.. is almost the definition of what I'm trying purposefully to avoid.

If someone is in a relationship that they're ready and committed enough to be sleeping with each other.. one has to wonder why they're not staying together.

 

[explodingboy]

I don't see why anyone is offended by those who have "too high" standards. It just means there's a greater chance they'll remain single for the rest of their lives

In all fairness, I'm just amused I'm having to explain why I don't wish to date someone with lots of previous sexual partners to Christians who aren't supposed to be having sex outside of marriage.

 

[Sunset2009]

Um. It wouldn't matter if he had all those partners as a heathen, and now was born-again and a new creation in Christ and recognizes fornication as a sin, and it was something in his past. But anything more than 3 is just gross.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

Don't be getting the impression this is anything carved in stone.

But you say that having lots of sex partners doesn't correlate to a personality type, I would disagree, for starters.. it suggests that don't do long relationships. When I'm looking for a life partner, someone who is hooking up with someone new on a regular basis.. is almost the definition of what I'm trying purposefully to avoid.

If someone is in a relationship that they're ready and committed enough to be sleeping with each other.. one has to wonder why they're not staying together.

Maybe my experience is skewed by having been both involved with and friend and associate with many people older than myself by a significant margin.

 

[Janetlove]

In all fairness, I'm just amused I'm having to explain why I don't wish to date someone with lots of previous sexual partners to Christians who aren't supposed to be having sex outside of marriage.

Amen!!! It always amazes me how other Christians like to make me feel bad about having standards. When it comes to dating and marriage we have the right to be picky. Does that mean we may have a narrower pool to choose from? Yes. But I feel that we serve a God that can do anything! At the end of day you have to deal with the person you end up dating and marrying, not any one else!

 

[EnemyPartyII]

Um. It wouldn't matter if he had all those partners as a heathen, and now was born-again and a new creation in Christ and recognizes fornication as a sin, and it was something in his past. But anything more than 3 is just gross.

"Gross".

Nope. No judgement here.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

Amen!!! It always amazes me how other Christians like to make me feel bad about having standards. When it comes to dating and marriage we have the right to be picky. Does that mean we may have a narrower pool to choose from? Yes. But I feel that we serve a God that can do anything! At the end of day you have to deal with the person you end up dating and marrying, not any one else!

I'm not saying anyone should feel bad for ending up with a partner with limited (or heck, no) sexual experience. I'm just cautioning people about writing people off because of it. You might be cutting potentially the perfect person out of your future for what are, at heart, totally arbitrary reasons which seem to be based more on snobery, prudery and insecurity than anything else.

Surely the number of sexual partners in the future (i.e. 1) is the important number here, not the number that have gone before?

 

[explodingboy]

I'm not saying anyone should feel bad for ending up with a partner with limited (or heck, no) sexual experience. I'm just cautioning people about writing people off because of it. You might be cutting potentially the perfect person out of your future for what are, at heart, totally arbitrary reasons which seem to be based more on snobery, prudery and insecurity than anything else.

Surely the number of sexual partners in the future (i.e. 1) is the important number here, not the number that have gone before?

Obviously the number in the future is more important than the number in the past, but simple fact is how many of them previous partners and relationships, thought they where going to be the future 1.

 

[Janetlove]

For example I live in a small city. Everyone here knows everyone else's business. So pretty much I know who all has slept with who and how many partners they've had. There is no way I would want to date or marry any of the men here even if they repented. Can you imagine having people laughing and snickering behind your back because you're now dating or married to "Bob" who has slept with half the women in your city! Gross! That may sound judgemental but I know what I see in my community.

 

[JohnDB]

it is about choices...

When selecting a life partner there isn't anyone out there who will or can know the future.

All we have to go on is the choice patterns people have made in their past.

Some people prefer those that have erred on the side of caution more so than not.
I fail to see this as being judgmental or evil of any kind. People are fond of not letting their words match their actions. Simply having a desire doesn't equate to actually allowing that desire to become an action for many people.
And for many people that is a deal breaker.

 

[CrusaderKing]

I'd have to say 999 is too many because who wants to be 1,000? That's a large even number. Now if it was 998, being 999 isn't so bad because you weren't 1,000.

 

[EnemyPartyII]

For example I live in a small city. Everyone here knows everyone else's business. So pretty much I know who all has slept with who and how many partners they've had. There is no way I would want to date or marry any of the men here even if they repented. Can you imagine having people laughing and snickering behind your back because you're now dating or married to "Bob" who has slept with half the women in your city! Gross! That may sound judgemental but I know what I see in my community.

Right, because the thought of people talking about you behind your back is worth abandoning true love for.

I'm a lesbian in the Army... sorry, but you're going to have a hard time selling me on the idea of abandoning a chance at hapiness because of fear of being talked about.