how many exs?

[RobertMerton]

hey guys!
repost from the singles forum
didn't really get any responses on there. (well not very much). http://www.christianforums.com/t7776351/

I would also like some input in terms of those married, how your experience was. (whether you are happily married, not, separated, etc it's all relevant)

In your opinion what is the number of exs a future, or current significant other can have, until you consider it to be a consideration, or stumbling block?

I've been talking to this girl whom ive known for a few years now, she's pretty, intelligent, caring, smart, confident, lively, and quite mature.

she is a christian, however she has never been single for any length of time since 7th grade. she is quite attractive hence why she always has boys chasing after her. She has had a number of ex boyfriends, some of whom are still in the same city.

my question to you, is how many does it take until it gives you something to think about, something to consider?

She has said that she is still a virgin, which I have no reason to doubt, but I guess what I am concerned with is the emotional baggage from these relationships, and particularly the fact that she has been the one to break up with all of her ex boyfriends (she has never been at the receiving end of a breakup).

There is nothing to suggest that she broke up with them because they wanted to get sexual with her. (in fact she said that none of them tried anything). (which i find hard to believe, since.. well from personal experience the guys are always trying something, particularly in the hormonal, adolescent years)

I have somewhat believed that the more people you date, the more you are practicing for divorce. (in the sense of breaking it off when a hiccup comes, instead of trying to work it out).

The ex's of these boyfriends have set the bar quite high early on in terms of her expectations of what the boyfriend has to do, (in effect she has been spoiled).

Is that somewhat of a consideration, or is that something every boyfriend or girlfriend should do..

I have to say when I was in highschool and was dating a girl, I did try and spoil her, but those days were years ago and I have become somewhat jaded with the notion of spoiling girls. I think it is somewhat because of my purposive change from the 'nice guy 24/7', to the 'confident, no pushover guy who can still be nice'.

Let me know what you all think!

 

[ProudMomxmany]

My husband had one "X" and I think I had one before we started dating and eventually married. However, I don't think our story can help you...we got married as teenagers and have been married for over 30 years now.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I don't think theres a limit per say. Now there is a limit on sexual partners or divorces. To many divorces just tells me odds of divorce are higher each time and I don't want that and/or that person my have other issues and its why they have been through 2-3 divorces. Higher sexual partners tells me I would have to be careful that person wouldn't sleep with someone else. Of course there are lots of variables before coming to such a decision first.

My thing is if you have exs, you need to stop being their friend. I trust the person I am with, but I don't trust exs, especially male ones. They have a tendency to get jealous and try to reignite the flame with the person your with. Men are cunning after all at that (well women to). Having an ex is like standing in a pool of gas and lighting a match.

My wife has only one ex-fiance. No ex BFs really.

As for having had sex before. The only way you will find out is on the wedding night. If shes a virgin then that skin piece should be inside still. Granted there are some who aren't born with it or break it on accident. Regardless, virginity lost is not the end of the world. Doesn't mean they are incapable of love or anything.

 

[Darkhorse]

My wife and I have been very happily married for 23 years, and have known each other for 32 years...

If we're talking about a person's romantic history (not marriage history), it isn't the number of exs that matters; it's why they're exs instead of partners.

Why did they break up? Breakups aren't necessarily a bad thing. Most couples will eventually discover that they are not a good enough "match" to consider marriage. There's nothing wrong with that; it's just a sorting process. Selection of a spouse is one of the most important decisions you - and they - will ever make.

And I strongly disagree with your belief that more dating partners leads to more likelihood of divorce. If anything, the opposite is true. Dating should be a process of learning about others, and especially learning about yourself:

What qualities in another person are essential to you? What qualities are essential to them?

What qualities in another person can you do without? You WILL NOT find any perfect people, and neither will they.

Does this person fit like a comfortable shoe, or will you get "blisters" walking with them mile after mile?

I've known "popular" women (many boyfriends) who were real high-quality gems, and others who were just easy tramps. I even had one lady get a phone call from an "ex" while on a date with me - and she stayed on the phone for several minutes with him! (she was actually one of the gems).

"Spoiled" is a real problem; Having high standards makes for a quality relationship. It's all in what she values.

I have broken up with many people, and they with me. In each case, it was simply a matter of "not compatible enough to continue". That's life, and I'm confident that God uses this process to guide us.

So...why don't you and she give it a try? If it works, great! If not, it's experience, and probably some good memories.

 

[JohnDB]

Actually I am a widower,

First wife died from Mushroom poisoning...we went hunting wild mushrooms to eat and she got some of the wrong ones.

Second wife also died from mushroom poisoning.

My third wife died from head trauma due to an accident with a golf club...but she wouldn't eat the mushrooms.


If I was you...break up with her. Go for someone fun and more along the lines that doesn't make you nervous in that sort of fashion.

 

[dayhiker]

I have a few dating exs and one marriage ex. I've given no consideration to how many exs the ladies I date have. Its how the relationship works. Is there good communication and do we have similar enough interests to spend time together.

 

[Hetta]

There isn't necessarily "emotional baggage" from an ex. If her relationships with others were light hearted and just fun kind of dating, then it's no harm/no foul.

Have you asked her why these relationships didn't work out? How is the bar set high? What makes you think that she is 'spoiled'? And if your really think she is spoiled, why do you want to date her?

 

[RobertMerton]

thanks for the replies, given me some things to think about.
I hope that widow thing is a joke hehe.

I know why the last few relationships didn't work out.
One of them was outside her (and his) control , the other most recent one was that she got sick of him. (I never liked that guy, so I can see why).

I would say that the bar is set quite high. I won't go into details (maybe she is a user here lol), but perhaps you guys can fill me in on what sort of actions and behaviours might constitute the bar being set too high.

I won't go into why I think she is spoiled, but lets say that her ex bfs treated her like a princess as well as to alot of material things. (not that I wouldn't treat her like one, but I'd like to think that I would treat her like a lady... not a princess).

I'm not sure if I will date her or not.. She's been spoiled but I wouldn't consider that a deal breaker. One of the few negatives (which isnt really her fault) compared to the many positives that she has. In fact she's told me how she knows she's been spoiled by her ex bfs, and that she'd find it hard to find someone who would treat her like her exs have.

Anyway I'll give it some more thought and it might even be year or so before I approach her in a romantic way because she broke up with someone recently. I don't think she knows that I've thought about her in a more than friend way, but she has made some passing comments in the last few months saying how her mom keeps telling her that she should go for 'guys like me', and even mentioning me by name on one occasion 'why don't you go out with David? he seems nice'.

I asked her what her response to that question was, and she said something like ' I just said that guys like you wouldn't have any interest in me'.

I think she really enjoys being chased and wooed by the boys.
I'm not sure if I am up to do that anymore to be honest.

 

[Hetta]

Really, if you have any negatives at all to dating a person, I would not date them. I had zero negatives when it came to dating the man who became my husband. I was whole-heartedly, 100% enthusiastic. Relationships are difficult enough (and marriages even more so), and if you start with a strike against you, then it will be even more difficult to negotiate the hurdles.

Just do bear in mind - in a year, she will most likely have moved on!

 

[JohnDB]

YES, the widow thing was a joke.
Once when telling that to my new SS class teacher his wife started to look at me like sje smelled something bad. When she realized it was a joke she knew she had been had & she loosened up a lot.

I currently married to my best wife ever. She is awesome. Not even a hint of breaking up or anything of that sort. Our love grows every day.

 

[RobertMerton]

Really, if you have any negatives at all to dating a person, I would not date them. I had zero negatives when it came to dating the man who became my husband. I was whole-heartedly, 100% enthusiastic. Relationships are difficult enough (and marriages even more so), and if you start with a strike against you, then it will be even more difficult to negotiate the hurdles.

Just do bear in mind - in a year, she will most likely have moved on!

Well there are negatives to everyone, nobody is perfect. She is pretty good though!.
When I use negatives I mean the pros and cons approach. somehow girls dont seem so fond of this idea. (so i might keep this one to myself).

Yes you can probably tell I consider myself to be somewhat of pragmatic person.


haha glad it's a joke JohnDB.

 

[Hetta]

Well there are negatives to everyone, nobody is perfect. She is pretty good though!.

When I use negatives I mean the pros and cons approach. somehow girls dont seem so fond of this idea. (so i might keep this one to myself).

Yes you can probably tell I consider myself to be somewhat of pragmatic person.

I am also pragmatic and would also have to weigh up pros and cons, but after weighing up the pros and cons (as you have) if you are not then 100% convinced about a person, you should not date them. Being 'pretty' is not enough to keep a relationship going.

 

[Inkachu]

The past is the past.

What matters is who they are TODAY.

If they're still carrying their past baggage around with them, then yes, that's a concern.

If they've left it behind and are different, new creations in Christ, then the past shouldn't matter.

I have no idea how many women my husband messed around with in his younger years, and I don't care. That's not who he is anymore, so why would it concern me today? Likewise, he's never asked (and doesn't care) how many guys I messed with in the past, and that's not who I am now, so why would it even come into play?

You have to look at who they are NOW. If she's still carrying around the effects of her many boyfriends (I hesitate to call them "relationships" since she was a kid (we're talking 7th grade when this started)), such as expecting to be spoiled or feeling entitled, or acting like she just can't be without a man on her arm all the time... then that would definitely be a red flag. Your post is a bit confusing because you tout her maturity in one sentence, and then call her spoiled in another. Posts like yours make me suspicious that a guy really wants a girl, but knows she may not be good for him, but wants to rationalize away her negative traits so he can justify pursuing her.

 

[RobertMerton]

Yes I agree.

But as I have mentioned the many positives outweigh the negatives, so not really an issue.

I'll wait a year or two and see what happens.

 

[Hetta]

Yes I agree.

But as I have mentioned the many positives outweigh the negatives, so not really an issue.

I'll wait a year or two and see what happens.

I understand - but I doubt she will be around in a year or two. I think that if you are really thinking about this pragmatically, you know that you either need to date her now or know that she may well be engaged or even married in two years time.

 

[RobertMerton]

I understand - but I doubt she will be around in a year or two. I think that if you are really thinking about this pragmatically, you know that you either need to date her now or know that she may well be engaged or even married in two years time.

thanks for your concern.
I'll still wait it out though, unfortunately I can't really 'make a move' for at least half a year or so.

I doubt she will be engaged or married in a few years, but she might be dating someone else.
I'll see how that plays out and go from there.

 

[Hetta]

Okay. Just giving you the benefit of an older woman who has seen how these things work out.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

she is a christian, however she has never been single for any length of time since 7th grade. she is quite attractive hence why she always has boys chasing after her. She has had a number of ex boyfriends, some of whom are still in the same city.

Well, how much is "a number," and how old is she?

I mean, realistically, if we counted the number of people I "dated" going back to 7th grade, it'd be like... a lot. But a 7th grade relationship consisted of getting a note from a boy that said "do you want to go out?" and checking a box that says "yes." There wasn't even hand-holding, much less kissing or anything beyond that. So is it a "relationship" on par with relationships that you have as an adult? No, not really. Even through high school, my "relationships" were notes written and passed during study hall, hanging out occasionally outside of school, maybe going to the movies. I was never single between 7th grade and graduation, but we never had sex or did anything beyond PG-rated activities. I know that's not the same for everybody, but the idea that a girl dated through school and it wasn't anything significant isn't so far fetched, and I think to hold up juvenile relationships where no sex was involved up as a red flag is kind of a cheap shot. Middle/high school relationships aren't "real world" relationships.

The fact that they're in the same city... So? I mean, why does it matter? Should they move after they break up? I think most, if not all, of my ex's live in the same town of 10k, the town I live in. It's not a big deal.

my question to you, is how many does it take until it gives you something to think about, something to consider?

It depends on her age and how much "a number" is. If she's 19 and it's 10 people, 8 of which were from 7th-12th grade... Who cares? If she's 30 and had 10 people from age 18-30, then maybe it's time to ask questions. Were they long term committed relationships where she had sex, lived with them, got engaged, or otherwise, or just a date or two with a guy that didn't go anywhere?

Thinking of myself, I had 3 serious relationships before my current marriage, one of which resulted in a marriage, so I guess 4 serious relationships in 15 years. But if we're counting from 7th grade and every single guy I went out on a date with... That'd be like... I don't know, I can't even count... Like 30 people? 95% of which were guys that were one or two date wonders, where after the first date, I was over it, he was over it, or they were over it, or we ended up becoming friends and not dating. One of my closest friends in the universe is a guy I went on a couple of "dates" with and we just progressed to friendship... I don't even think we could explain how it happened. That's all part of dating.

I have somewhat believed that the more people you date, the more you are practicing for divorce. (in the sense of breaking it off when a hiccup comes, instead of trying to work it out).

Or the more serious that you take marriage because you have screened them out as viable marital partners...

The ex's of these boyfriends have set the bar quite high early on in terms of her expectations of what the boyfriend has to do, (in effect she has been spoiled).

If we're talking about materially, that could be an issue. If we're talking about in terms of treatment and what she expects... That's not necessarily a bad thing. I'd see it as more of a red flag if she'd dated and now her standards are slipping to accommodate the deadbeats she's exposed to.

I have to say when I was in highschool and was dating a girl, I did try and spoil her, but those days were years ago and I have become somewhat jaded with the notion of spoiling girls. I think it is somewhat because of my purposive change from the 'nice guy 24/7', to the 'confident, no pushover guy who can still be nice'.

To me, if I were thinking about dating you, I'd see this as a red flag. No girl wants to hear "I used to treat an ex awesome, but now... I'm over it. I'm jaded. I'll be nice, but I'm not going to go as far for you as I did her. Just FYI." It's like saying to somebody that you're not going to put forth for them what you did for somebody else because it's too much work.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

thanks for your concern.
I'll still wait it out though, unfortunately I can't really 'make a move' for at least half a year or so.

I doubt she will be engaged or married in a few years, but she might be dating someone else.
I'll see how that plays out and go from there.

Hetta is right, she may not be available in a few years. She's actively dating, and that can lead to marriage. 2 years is a long time and I'm sure everybody has a story about the guy/girl who'd "never get married" who, 6 months later, was stupid with love and sprinting down an aisle fast enough to leave rubbermarks. In two years, she could be married, one or two kids. Heck, looking at my life, in two years I went from married (not happily, but not expecting to divorced) to divorced 6 months later to married about a year and a half (give or take) after that. A good friend of mine was trying to date a girl who refused him because "she wasn't looking for a relationship," yet she met a guy, got married 4 months after that and is now (a year or so later) is separated.

When it comes to dating somebody you're interested in, best to take a "now or never" attitude.

 

[Godsgirl79]

After being married 12 years previously and almost 2 years now.. there's some questions I would ask and c consider the answers. Why did her relationships break up? Is it because as she had certain expectations they didn't meet? Picky isn't necessarily a bsd thing.. but what was her complaint? Or is it because she was too clingy and expectee them to meet all her needs. Someone who needs to be in a relationship at all times (I know I'm one of them) could be looking to a boyfriend to make them feel happy as long as all the attention is on her because of low self esteem. This can cause problems later down the road. Not to say that even someone who has few partners won't have problems too. Marriage can be quite an adjustment.