How long to date?

[blackribbon]

Hi,

I've been dating someone for a year now. We seem to get close and then we just keep doing things together, which is fine, but I'm wondering if things should be progressing any more at this point. I am not in a hurry but sometimes feel that my boyfriend is fine being single still. I'm not putting any pressure on him. We have had a couple of times when he gets upset if I say anything isn't going perfectly and really I just want to talk about stuff. He takes it personally as if I'm criticizing. Things work out but I do have that feeling of being careful about not being negative in case it's taken the wrong way.

Anyway, should we be doing anything different after a year? We are both in our fifties.

I guess I really don't understand what you are asking...are you asking if it ever gets to the point that you communicate perfectly and nobody's feelings get hurt? then the answer is "no"... you just learn to do what you are doing now, present the topic in the light that your partner will be able to receive it best. I was married 16 years and in many areas we could communicate with just a look but yes, we both could still present a topic wrong and hurt each other's feelings....heck, we probably both did it on purpose occasionally when we were feeling hurt ourselves.

 

[blackribbon]

I agree and good conversation and getting along well has got us this far. I think there are some things to learn still working through some things. People have different things that cause them to react in different ways. I feel like we can learn to talk about these things as we go. He may get offended because he feels we should be more secure with each other at this point in the relationship and he takes it as a "step back". We need to work on communicating and not being insecure or evasive when we touch certain things.

I think that is what I will concentrate on doing in the relationship and I feel we will both grow because of it. We'll see!
Sometimes I can over analyze things and he likes to talk about something get it all out there and move on. As long as I can see he is handling it well, I think we can grow and move forward.

Thanks so much for the reply

If he feels secure in the relationship and finds out you don't, I can see how he would be bothered because it sounds like you are still looking for "more" and maybe he isn't it. What about the relationship makes you feel insecure? It is possible to talk a relationship to death...or to the point where the other partner just kind of gives up because they know they will never be "enough". What are you hoping to work through? He sounds like you are the person he wants to be with and your questioning the relationship makes him wonder if he is "enough" for you.

 

[morningstar12]

We both are secure in the relationship, trust each other, love each other very much.

Yes there are times when I overthink things, but I have let some of his behavior that I would like to understand better go.
My hardest thing to deal with is when he kind of answers me sharply. It makes me afraid to approach him about some things.
We have talked things through some times when this happens, but I am trying to figure out how to deal with a man who is easily offended.

I know what you mean about making a person feel like they'll never be "enough" and I don't want him to feel that way. He is great and I'm not trying to change him as a person, just want the relating/communicating thing good.

Thanks Blackribbon!

 

[MorkandMindy]

One thing I was never told and I now understand that had I been in a Jewish community the groom would have been told is that he has a responsibility to do what he can to make his wife happy.

I think perhaps the wife should do the same for the husband.

Instead of that I had been given a focus on success by all around me, and I did a certain amount to impress my wife, and went to church lots as I was told I should and that I was the spiritual head of the family. It didn't work out very well.

 

[morningstar12]

Did you wife try to do things to please you as well?
Do you believe you ARE the spiritual head of the family?
Did you not WANT to go to church.

Yes, I believe we should both strive to make happiness for each other, but
no one can MAKE another person happy, that can effect them.

Sorry it didn't work. A lot of give and take from both. Money can't do it, or DOING
things for someone. But sounds like you tried. Sometimes we realize our mistakes and the other person won't work on things.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Greetings Morningstar12

I recall on one occasion she said 'you are not making me happy' in much the same way as she often said 'I'm bored'.

I thought that it was a person's own responsibility over whether they were bored and that a person was primarily responsible for their own happiness and state of mind; the Christian is called to take delight in the Lord and in each other.

But I now think I was wrong.

It is time consuming to find things in the Bible and there are then interpretation problems so now I take a short cut and go from just three principles:

Do no harm, do good and purify the mind.

If I had focused on it, I could have worked out what would make my wife happy and done it, because it was an obligation on me as given in these three principles.

 

[morningstar12]

Yes, and I think it is something marriage can help with, not entirely, but why be married if you can't work on those things together.

I had a husband who wouldn't communicate, so hard to be happy "together" when you're really not "together".

Sorry things worked out the way they did for you. Sounds like you've learned from it though. Have you had successful relationships since then?

 

[MorkandMindy]

Yes, and I think it is something marriage can help with, not entirely, but why be married if you can't work on those things together.

I had a husband who wouldn't communicate, so hard to be happy "together" when you're really not "together".

Sorry things worked out the way they did for you. Sounds like you've learned from it though. Have you had successful relationships since then?

The problem was I was too inflexible, I was 'Bible-only' (sola scriptura) and although I learned a lot of the Bible, good chunks by heart, it didn't help much with human relationships.

I was with the Brethren who insisted the answer to everything is in the Bible. Well, the Brethren keep fragmenting themselves while pursuing the 'truth' and although I spotted a few contradictions in what they were saying, I didn't go to the debate held right where I was between a liberal and a conservative Christian. A trusted friend did and apparently the liberal walked all over the conservative, which I now know is the norm.

Had I gone to the debate I might have developed a more useful philosophy of life a lot sooner. I heard an Evangelical minister last year explain: 'The Bible is not a book on human relationships or psychology, we have plenty of those, it is a book that helps us to get to know God'.

Brilliant; I spent the first 9 years of my time with my wife as in inflexible idiot who thought he knew everything.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Yes, and I think it is something marriage can help with, not entirely, but why be married if you can't work on those things together.

I had a husband who wouldn't communicate, so hard to be happy "together" when you're really not "together".

Sorry things worked out the way they did for you. Sounds like you've learned from it though. Have you had successful relationships since then?

I think making each other feel good is the top priority, along with each other's integrity and health and agreeing on the type of relationship you want to have.

Having a husband who wouldn't talk is not going to work, I would agree, I'm sorry that happened.

It is almost impossible to avoid because what happens is people can behave for dates and when together for a certain limited time, I think it is usually 4 months, and then they stop acting.

One possibility would be if he had a parent who criticised a lot of what he said and he eventually learned to clam up.

He may have had an emotionally numb non nurturing father who had been through WW2 and this often had serious effect on the next generation as well. Interestingly the generation who went through WW2 are known as 'the Silent Generation'.

These are only possibilities as different people had different experiences and different people react to experiences differently as well, but I think it is pretty apparent that treating people like units, training them and having them hanging about for years expecting to see combat and then finally ending up in some kind of advance or combat, isn't going to do them much good.

 

[morningstar12]

I've known a lot of people like that. You were living what you learned. We think it's right and somewhere down the line we realize loosening up is part of life, not a compromise to the Bible. I think men have more pressure on them to believe this, but I as a woman stayed in an unhealthy relationship (marriage) for too long believing I was doing things by the Bible too and I got walked all over.

So do you consider yourself a liberal or conservative now? Can't either one be taught to deal with relationships?

 

[dayhiker]

I can relate to what you have gone thru Mork.

I've a mix of conservative and liberal these days. I don't try to have it all figured out any more either. I just try to love as best I can. I like experiences so often I'll go do something just to have the experience. I find there is a way to do most things in love. Which is the commandment that I spend my time trying to obey these days.

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Hi,

I've been dating someone for a year now. We seem to get close and then we just keep doing things together, which is fine, but I'm wondering if things should be progressing any more at this point. I am not in a hurry but sometimes feel that my boyfriend is fine being single still. I'm not putting any pressure on him. We have had a couple of times when he gets upset if I say anything isn't going perfectly and really I just want to talk about stuff. He takes it personally as if I'm criticizing. Things work out but I do have that feeling of being careful about not being negative in case it's taken the wrong way.

Anyway, should we be doing anything different after a year? We are both in our fifties.

Its reached the point of decision time especially if you want to get married which I assume you do. Dating for a year is wise cause youre both at the point of letting your guard down now and are seeing a truer person before your eyes. I don't think I have to tell you that communication is something that MUST be present and you shouldn't have to drag anything out of the other ; the best relationships are those where the communication flows freely, often, and it is an enjoyable thing to partake in. I think this is missing with you guys from what it sounds like.

Remember, how a person is after dating for a year will only intensify in marriage. Certain things don't get corrected or minimized when marriage starts, but, they get magnified.

If you decide to fold this relationship, then next time use this resource objectively weighing up a person and you might be able to save some wasted time , energy, feelings, and emotions :

http://www.amazon.com/Know-Someone-...omeone+is+worth+pursuing+in+two+dates+or+less

 

[MorkandMindy]

I've known a lot of people like that. You were living what you learned.

Hi, Mork calling Morning Star,

My position decades ago was I believed correctly that a person either puts themselves under scripture and therefore under instruction, and learns, or the person remains over it, picking what comes easy - what they already do, and therefore learns nothing.

I spent the last 5 years as an evangelical Christian in a mid-sized evangelical church and being more settled I gradually noticed that despite what they said, hardly anyone really believed that the Bible was all that useful. On Sunday first thing they would read the newspaper, come to church and mention to each other anything of real interest. Their own Bible knowledge was pretty thin. After the sermon they would of course talk about anything but the sermon.


For me to say I believe everything in the Bible I had to read all of it, understand all of it and find no contradictions in it. But even the creed of our Bible-believing church only said the Bible was 'without error as originally received'.


Core to the Protestant movement was sola scriptura. Sola scriptura states that the Bible is infallible and sufficient. But the Bible unfortunately does not contain it's own canon. Some people claim that you can easily work out which books belong in the Bible. But sola scriptura means you should not rely on your own judgement but only on the Bible. Since the Bible does not contain it's canon you can not determine that from the Bible, and since you can not rely on your own judgement, the Pope, tradition or anything other than the Bible, there is no Bible canon, and therefore we really don't have any idea which books or parts of books belong in it.

That may sound a bit academic except that there are a number of different canons in use and at least two of the O.T. books, which are in all of the canons unfortunately, are now known to be fakes.
.


I now consider that to be totally immaterial. We are to follow Jesus and obey his commandments. So I look in the NT and check if I am keeping those commandments and I feel challenged to live up to what we should do and have as attitudes as part of the body of Christ.

And that's all I know,

so I know a lot less now.

 

[MorkandMindy]

What I'm wondering about right now is why did it take me so long to reach that conclusion?


I guess it is partly World-view. Many have moved over to an Existential World-view where what is helpful is good and true; it is subjective or if you like - self centred - but not necessarily selfish.

Or perhaps it is that I need facts rather than to do what works, that is rather than 'loosen up' I had to pursue the rabbit down the hole until I eventually found out conclusively that it's droppings were not made of gold.

I approached the question of whether the Bible was true on a factual basis.


But even so, why did it take so long? I guess ultimately it is that a person's salvation depends on faith, so if you don't believe you cease to be saved, so I was looking for reasons to believe and certainly not for reasons not to.


In the process of my personal Bible Study and trying to understand everything in the Bible I asked about the Noah Flood and our minister who was very knowledgeable about scripture replied that some people think it was a local flood and some that it was a global flood. So I decided to find out which, and when I found out it was neither, I had a crisis and since Jesus mentions it in the N.T. rather than lose faith in just the O.T. I lost faith in the whole Bible.

Already my Christian faith had not been not going anything like as well as promised, some said I should pray more so I did, some that I should pray more for others, so I did, some that I should meet with Christians more and others that I should spend more time in the Word.

Well I was going to Sunday School, main church, choir practice, evening church, midweek Bible Study, used my 'pray for the persecuted' cards daily, had my own daily Bible Study and prayer time, and for half a year led a Bible Study group, wife and self chaired the welcoming committee, and she was involved in all of it as well except choir.

Things got no better and of course some people were saying how it proves you can not get into Heaven by your own works - let go and let God, and that the problem was that I was trying.

Both these things happened about the same time so I stopped trying and then years went by and nothing happened. I was now clearly an ex Christian. Eventually I found Buddhism made more sense, so I started learning that and getting into the science of the mind for dealing with the personal problems that Christianity did not help with, and both Buddhism and science made big contributions, and found I now also was following the commands in the Gospels because the ones in Buddhism are more comprehensive and include the gospel commands in effect as well, so that's the present situation. Now I appreciate the challenges in the N.T. just as much as the ones in Buddhism. As for the Bible, I don't believe it but I do obey the gospel.

 

[MorkandMindy]

I can relate to what you have gone thru Mork.

I've a mix of conservative and liberal these days. I don't try to have it all figured out any more either. I just try to love as best I can. I like experiences so often I'll go do something just to have the experience. I find there is a way to do most things in love. Which is the commandment that I spend my time trying to obey these days.

How do you know where to be conservative and where to be liberal?

 

[morningstar12]

I wonder why you felt you couldn't practice the things in the N.T. when you were a Christian or an ex Christian, (which I don't believe there is such a thing) you either
trusted Christ as payment for your sins and are going to heaven or you didn't. Whether or not you continue believing that doesn't change that you DID trust in God's plan of salvation.

Just my belief and sometimes it's been hard but I'm a firm believer in assurance of salvation.

Glad you're feeling like you are following what we should do as Christians. The principles are found in other religions and benefit a person many ways. I can't do it without the Holy Spirit helping me, that's what I rely on.

I only believe in one Bible, one God and that has gotten me through a lot.

 

[morningstar12]

Thanks David,

I will go to that link.

I think we are working on communicating. There are things I have to bring up for us to communicate about and some he does. The fact that it isn't always a comfortable thing to do I don't think is bad. As long as we can and do and work things out should count for something.

I do agree about things intensifying after marriage. I'm trying to keep my eyes "wide open".

Thanks!

 

[MorkandMindy]

I wonder why you felt you couldn't practice the things in the N.T. when you were a Christian or an ex Christian, (which I don't believe there is such a thing) you either
trusted Christ as payment for your sins and are going to heaven or you didn't. Whether or not you continue believing that doesn't change that you DID trust in God's plan of salvation.

Just my belief and sometimes it's been hard but I'm a firm believer in assurance of salvation.

Glad you're feeling like you are following what we should do as Christians. The principles are found in other religions and benefit a person many ways. I can't do it without the Holy Spirit helping me, that's what I rely on.

I only believe in one Bible, one God and that has gotten me through a lot.

I really needed clearer ideas on how to live life.

My personal Bible Study was 'Search the Scriptures' (IVP) and it started in Luke which was a big challenge right at the start: 'And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.' (Luke 14 v 27)

And it said 'go preach the coming of the Kingdom' so with someone else we prayed and then went out knocking on doors. Zero converts. Once when my partner was someone less experienced than even I was we met someone who had studied theology and knew a hundred times more than I did, and she was an agnostic. She ran circles around me.

Trust didn't work - knowledge was what I needed - a clear idea of what the Kingdom of God was like that I could spend an evening telling people about.

 

[dayhiker]

Mork ... thanks for sharing all that stuff about your life. Really helps me understand you better.

Liberal or conservative? I see these two views of life as coming out of modernity that seems to about divide people 50-50 into these two camps.

The Bible has got simpler and simpler as I've been led by the Holy Spirit. Love God and love people. Sometime loving leads me to do a conservative thing, sometimes loving leads me to do a liberal thing. Paul said love doesn't hurt your neighbor. So while I'm not real adapt at solving other peoples problems, I am pretty good at not hurting them. I can usually help them feel like they have been heard and accepted which is important to many. I found not many people are really interested in theology and philosophy to the point that they really want study it. They got bored when I went into narratives about the the different views on how to view situations. Once I just started to look them in the eye, listen to what they had to say and thank them for sharing their life with me, everything changed. like one woman flew an hours flight 7 times last hear to spend anywhere from 4 days to a week with me because she didn't find anyone else in 17 yrs who would love her like I did. She needed that love and its helped her get thru some very hard things in her life and has given her a place from which she has been able to start some much needed changes in her life.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Hi Dayhiker

I think we have both ended up in exactly the same place.

As usual I got there the slow way; after systematically eliminating all other alternatives.