How long to date?

[morningstar12]

Hi,

I've been dating someone for a year now. We seem to get close and then we just keep doing things together, which is fine, but I'm wondering if things should be progressing any more at this point. I am not in a hurry but sometimes feel that my boyfriend is fine being single still. I'm not putting any pressure on him. We have had a couple of times when he gets upset if I say anything isn't going perfectly and really I just want to talk about stuff. He takes it personally as if I'm criticizing. Things work out but I do have that feeling of being careful about not being negative in case it's taken the wrong way.

Anyway, should we be doing anything different after a year? We are both in our fifties.

 

[MorkandMindy]

If you have to be careful not to say anything negative that is good practice for thinking more positively.

A mountain of research with dogs and humans and other species has shown that rewards reinforce the desired behaviour.

But negative comments/ punishment produce unpredictable results. For example dogs punished when they make a mess on the floor usually learn to do it when no one is watching, though sometimes they learn to do it outside. Punishment usually confuses children because the person punishing them is supposed to be their benefactor, and it may instead result in passive aggressive behaviour.

It is most effective if the reinforcement is immediate and unpredictable.

Don't just treat him like a guinea pig, do the same for yourself: do some task you've been avoiding for a possible reward. Then flip a coin; heads you start another task; tails you get a reward like a computer game or having a look around Christian Forums.


Speaking of which I've now had my reward, out to the cold garage to do some more tidying...

 

[morningstar12]

Well Mork and Mindy,

I found your reply refreshing. I think there's a lot to be said for responses to positive and negative. Of course I'm not basing my whole relationship on this, but it really has
helped me to be more conscious about how I say things and come across. I had a family that did lean toward the negative and I think I'm funny when I'm sarcastic. Not everyone always get that.
He can deal with the negative, we're just learning more about each other.

But thanks for that insight. I believe learning ways people are different is good.

Thanks, hope that garage is tidied up!

 

[TheyCallMeDavid]

Hi,

I've been dating someone for a year now. We seem to get close and then we just keep doing things together, which is fine, but I'm wondering if things should be progressing any more at this point. I am not in a hurry but sometimes feel that my boyfriend is fine being single still. I'm not putting any pressure on him. We have had a couple of times when he gets upset if I say anything isn't going perfectly and really I just want to talk about stuff. He takes it personally as if I'm criticizing. Things work out but I do have that feeling of being careful about not being negative in case it's taken the wrong way.

Anyway, should we be doing anything different after a year? We are both in our fifties.

Its very wise and even mandatory to discover where each of you are at in terms of re-marriage. Why date if one is gung ho on it and the other isn't ? What ive seen in men that are in the 50-60's is that they enjoy not having any responsibilities other than having to make a living and getting a haircut every 2-3 weeks. They've typically raised families, have had a long marriage that failed and most likely cost them financially big time, and they have resigned to enjoy a good circle of same sex Buddies to do things with over fishing, car racing, and some beers along with the company of a Woman for dinner here and there without commitments . I would venture to guess this represents the major of 50-60 year old Christian Men too. It represents me and im very content living the rest of my divorced life for Gods purposes and being chaste I might add. Of course on the Secular front, men in this age range can easily find a woman to shack up with, to get her to clean and look after him, have as much sex as he needs, all with the back door being kept open ajar for noses that get out of joint . And sadly, the great majority of women today are willing to go along with that just so long as they get some measure of affection and someone to care about them (even if its foundationally superficial) . As no-nonsense Dr. Laura would say on the radio :' Women are only too pleased to be Tramps today and the worst part of it is that they aren't even getting paid for dishing it out ' . Rather blunt, but true .

At any rate...back to you ; its been a year and by now you SHOULD both have a good idea where your relationship is heading and what you want out of the rest of your life. Its either going to move toward permanence as in marriage, or its going to remain stagnant without any lifelong commitment. It all depends on what YOU want and what HE wants ; its certainly time to talk about it very seriously. If it turns out you are both fine with a good-friend relationship where you do things together and have fun and theres some genuine caring happening , then that's fine . It doesn't always need to go toward marriage ...but its likely that the woman wants that after a year of steady dating. And that's okay too ----------- but sooner or later it comes to a 'T' intersection where you will HAVE to make a turn one way or the other. And that means some pain (and a lack of trust if the other has been stringing you along) . Its a matter that many couples go thru each and every day in America but nevertheless, a decision has to be had in your case.

 

[miss-a]

Hi,

I've been dating someone for a year now. We seem to get close and then we just keep doing things together, which is fine, but I'm wondering if things should be progressing any more at this point. I am not in a hurry but sometimes feel that my boyfriend is fine being single still. I'm not putting any pressure on him. We have had a couple of times when he gets upset if I say anything isn't going perfectly and really I just want to talk about stuff. He takes it personally as if I'm criticizing. Things work out but I do have that feeling of being careful about not being negative in case it's taken the wrong way.

Anyway, should we be doing anything different after a year? We are both in our fifties.

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding your post, but it sounds to me like you're walking on eggshells a bit with this guy, and marriage, IMO, shouldn't happen until that gets worked out and he can listen to you and your concerns and not get touchy about them.

Prayers for you,
a

 

[dayhiker]

Hi morningstar ... welcome to CF. Hope you find some great conversations here.

I guess the thing that struck me the most was not being able to talk about any topic with each other by now. probably the most important thing in my life is to be able to talk about my life with a GF and for her to be comfortable to talk about any part of her life with me. Its amazing how much love we feel when we have a conversation like that. These days I have one of those with every date.
Your second post sounded like you were learning to communicate better with him. Is he learning to communicate better with you?

 

[iambren]

One to two years should be sufficient with you both understanding that you want to get married. At three years an absolute answer is expected. You have the clock.

 

[morningstar12]

It's really not about getting married.

Thanks for the reply though

 

[morningstar12]

I agree and good conversation and getting along well has got us this far. I think there are some things to learn still working through some things. People have different things that cause them to react in different ways. I feel like we can learn to talk about these things as we go. He may get offended because he feels we should be more secure with each other at this point in the relationship and he takes it as a "step back". We need to work on communicating and not being insecure or evasive when we touch certain things.

I think that is what I will concentrate on doing in the relationship and I feel we will both grow because of it. We'll see!
Sometimes I can over analyze things and he likes to talk about something get it all out there and move on. As long as I can see he is handling it well, I think we can grow and move forward.

Thanks so much for the reply

 

[MorkandMindy]

Hi morningstar12,

My parents and family were also negative and therefore so was I until I began to learn Buddhism, then I found the same teaching in Christianity, though hidden in a lot of junk. My wife was often negative and so was I and that was a major reason for the end of our marriage.

Just in the process of replying to your thread I realised (realized US) how demented being negative actually is, so to express that important point in the clearest way I tried making a picture of it:

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, mork .. being positive makes a whole lot of sense to me.

 

[morningstar12]

I think the negative we were talking about though was when you are trying to discuss something in a relationship that is bothering you in some way. I don't mean it as something negative, but it sometimes gets looked at as that or something I'm not happy with or something he didn't do a good enough job at.
The problem is that can keep us from discussing it and coming to some agreement, compromise or understanding about it.
So I'm working on him not being too insecure about my comments and at the same time trying to approach things in a way that doesn't sound negative.

Where in the Bible did you find these teachings that keep you from being "negative"?

 

[MorkandMindy]

Ya, mork .. being positive makes a whole lot of sense to me.

That's good,

the other reason for the picture was to help more of us to be positive more of the time and to see it as not an impossibility where some people just are positive and some are just more negative, but as something we can all do - that it is nothing more than proper use of the brain.


(this authentic M&M post has a paragraph break inside a sentence)

 

[dayhiker]

I'd consider that type of discussion about differences or something that was troubling the relationship to be a positive tho. The negative to me would be its not use having the discussion because nothing good will come of it.

I think the negative we were talking about though was when you are trying to discuss something in a relationship that is bothering you in some way. I don't mean it as something negative, but it sometimes gets looked at as that or something I'm not happy with or something he didn't do a good enough job at.
The problem is that can keep us from discussing it and coming to some agreement, compromise or understanding about it.
So I'm working on him not being too insecure about my comments and at the same time trying to approach things in a way that doesn't sound negative.

Where in the Bible did you find these teachings that keep you from being "negative"?

 

[MorkandMindy]

I think the negative we were talking about though was when you are trying to discuss something in a relationship that is bothering you in some way. ...

Hi morningstar12, thanks for your good questions and points.

I added on the diagram to the input (discomforts) the explanation in brackets - all types.

A discomfort could be something indicating a problem with a human relationship: tone of voice, choice of words or being abrupt, facial expression, body language or something that is explicitly stated, or a sound such as the cry of a baby or snarl of a lion, or a physical sensation of being cold or hungry or sick.

Then there is the interpretation of the discomfort, and about half of Buddhism seems to be about how to cope with discomforts that can not be avoided, but some can be avoided either by changing the situation or by gaining a correct understanding of the situation.

For example my wife was always upset if I was hurrying. She would say: why are you in a bad mood? I would say I'm not in a bad mood, I just have a sense of purpose and I'm hurrying to get some exercise, a bit of adrenalin, and because it makes me feel for a short time like my life has a purpose.

 

[morningstar12]

That's funny Mork and Mindy that your wife thinks you're in a bad mood when you're in a hurry. That's just the kind of assumption I would make and be totally off base.

So my boyfriend said yes we should talk about anything that is on my mind. The couple things I brought up, he said he thought we discussed it and were fine with things. Already out of his mind, so we'll be talking more about things. I don't get to see him till the weekend.

Thanks

 

[blackribbon]

Do you know what you want out of this relationship long-term? Do you eventually want to be married or are you okay with status quo? It is quite possible he is happy staying single and assumes you are too. I would think after a year, it would be time to discuss the long-term picture you both have so that you can see if you are on the same page and willing to invest more time into this relationship.

 

[morningstar12]

Yes, we both are marriage minded. Sorry the post sounded like I was worried about marriage. It's more about learning to communicate and pushing each others buttons, etc. getting to know each other better and grow.
Marriage is definitely what we both are working towards. We have both made many sacrifices to fit each other into our lives and are both happy that we have.

Thanks

 

[blackribbon]

Can I ask how you can have dated for a year and never discussed this topic? I find that in marriage-minded dating relationships that is usually starts to get discussed early in the relationship unless one member is avoiding the topic.

I guess the question really goes back to how long are you willing to invest in this relationship before marriage becomes an issue? Have you considered attending a pre-marital counseling or a pre-marital seminar to see if you actually have a chance of making this into something permanent?

What if he actually said that he wasn't ultimately interested in marriage or marrying you, but liked what you had right now? Are you good with that?

 

[morningstar12]

We HAVE discussed this issue. I tried to clear up that the issue is NOT marriage. We are BOTH marriage minded. Please read my previous post.
It's really about communicating when we run into ways he or she does things/talks about things including our relationship.
It is all part of becoming a couple.
We have read couple books together, etc. If we were actually ready to get married, we would find Christian pre-marital counseling. Being a year of dating, we have discussed many things, but we are not getting engaged at the moment.

It would be very hard for either of us not to move forward. But yes, I would be ok if it doesn't end in marriage. We are both on the same sheet of music and are ready when the time is right.

Thanks for your reply