How long is enough???

[HeyBA12]

OK... I've got to say a few things here. And I have to admit, I'm a bit revved up. I know that a few of you won't like what I have to say. However, it comes from my own experience and revelation from God. I only share what I have learned from Him through my own separation and divorce. So here goes...

First off, the covenant of marriage is not a two person covenant. It is three. The husband and wife AND God. Ultimately your covenant is with God. That is why I have chosen to not pursue any other relationship since my divorce (my wife filed for it). God has made it clear to me that He wants me to be obedient to Him in my marriage commitment, regardless of what my wife has chosen to do. So, because your spouse has "broken" the marriage covenant, doesn't in my understanding, free you from your commitment to God. (I'm not even sure that the Bible gives us the OK to divorce for adultery. Joseph was going to "divorce" Mary because she was pregnant, but God told him not too. This divorce was when they were betrothed, not even married yet. But that is a discussion for another thread)

Secondly, is this life we live on earth supposed to be all about us? Or is it supposed to be about bringing glory to God. God did not create us so that we can live our lives like; "It's all about me!!". NO... It's all about God. Everyone's lives have trials and tests. Some have marriage trials, while others have health trials, etc. Just because your marriage situation is very difficult, does not mean that God wants you to get out so you can be happy. "Consider it all joy, when you encounter various trials, for the testing of your faith will develop perserverance..." This is what God wants. He wants you to grow in faith, to perservere, to be obedient to Him no matter what. This will bring you joy. Not happiness as the world wants to have. But joy in the Lord, even in the midst of your trial.

I, as much as anyone else, don't want to be alone and unmarried for the rest of my life. But I am prepared to be alone. If being obedient to God means that I trust Him for restoration of my marriage, but it still doesn't result in restoration of my marriage, then I have peace with that, becuase I know that God is sovereign and has a plan. I am better off having been obedient and not received a restored marriage, than to have just "moved on with my life". Why? Becuase, in humility I obeyed God, and He has been faithful to me. He can use me whether I am married or remain divorced. It doesn't matter as long as He can use me. He is certainly capable, for nothing is impossible with Him.

That brings me to the last point I want to make. All through the Bible, there are references to God changing hearts. He made hearts hard (as in the heart of Pharoah), and he made them soft, as in the Apostle Paul. Remember, nothing is too hard for God. Do you think it was because of Paul's free will choice that God smote him blind on the road to Damascus? No, God changed Paul's heart. It was nothing that Paul did. Therefore, I believe that God can and will change my wife's heart. I believe that HE can change anyone's heart. Why will He change some people's hearts and not others? I don't know. That is the mystery of God. However, it is that very mystery, which requires us to have faith and to trust Him. That's what it is all about. Looking to God alone, trusting Him for your peace, having faith that He can do anything.

So, I strongly encourage you to take your eyes off of your wife. Put them on God. Pursue God only at this time. Your wife and your marriage are God's problem. Trust Him, look to Him through His word.

Hang in there!!! God is in control....

 

[Southern Cross]

I disagree with some of the below statements:

First off, the covenant of marriage is not a two person covenant. It is three. The husband and wife AND God. Ultimately your covenant is with God. That is why I have chosen to not pursue any other relationship since my divorce (my wife filed for it). God has made it clear to me that He wants me to be obedient to Him in my marriage commitment, regardless of what my wife has chosen to do. So, because your spouse has "broken" the marriage covenant, doesn't in my understanding, free you from your commitment to God. (I'm not even sure that the Bible gives us the OK to divorce for adultery. Joseph was going to "divorce" Mary because she was pregnant, but God told him not too. This divorce was when they were betrothed, not even married yet. But that is a discussion for another thread)

Secondly, is this life we live on earth supposed to be all about us? Or is it supposed to be about bringing glory to God. God did not create us so that we can live our lives like; "It's all about me!!". NO... It's all about God. Everyone's lives have trials and tests. Some have marriage trials, while others have health trials, etc. Just because your marriage situation is very difficult, does not mean that God wants you to get out so you can be happy. "Consider it all joy, when you encounter various trials, for the testing of your faith will develop perserverance..." This is what God wants. He wants you to grow in faith, to perservere, to be obedient to Him no matter what. This will bring you joy. Not happiness as the world wants to have. But joy in the Lord, even in the midst of your trial.

First, Joseph was told to marry Mary because she had clearly not committed adultery. She was a virgin and pure in God's sight. If Mary committed adultery, and she was pregnant with another man's baby rather than God's Son, Joseph would've been able to pursue a divorce in good conscience. Joseph would have been free to make that decision on his own.

Second, CBUDC's wife has clearly broken her marriage vows (assuming what we've been told is the complete truth). The marriage vows were broken by her, and I cannot make the leap to assume God still binds CBUDC to his marriage commitment if he should decide to pursue a divorce. Show me where it says that in the Bible, because it's not something I've seen. Perhaps God told you to remain committed to your wife in your particular situation, but that certainly does not apply to everyone.

Yes, CBUDC is free to remain committed to his wife, ask for God to intervene and pray/work for full restoration of his marriage. It's his choice. I think it would be an awfully huge step of faith on his part, and I would respect him for it. Or he could pursue a divorce on grounds of infidelity and I don't think God would hold it against him. God hates divorce, but is there not scriptural grounds for it when there is infidelity?

And saying that CBUDC thinking of a divorce is "all about me" is just totally wrong in this case. His wife is "all about me" because she's the one engaged in an affair. Don't twist this into CBUDC being selfish or disobedient because he's thinking of ending his marriage. Where in the Bible does it say a man or woman is being disobedient to God if they choose to pursue a divorce due to infidelity on the part of their spouse? Yes, I think God can put it on one's heart to remain in the marriage, but I don't think it's required of all people.

There are scriptual boundaries that have been established that allow for a divorce. Anyone that says CBUDC MUST remain in his marriage while his wife is actively engaged in an affair (and seems to want to continue with this behavior) is making assumptions which are seriously flawed in my opinion.

I'm not trying to tell CBUDC what is right or wrong for him in this situation. I think he needs to give it more time, at least time enough for a face to face confrontation, ask her to cease her affair, and talk through how they can heal their marriage.

 

[HeyBA12]

I would like to respond to Southern Cross....

I don't know what your life situation is, but mine is very similar to CBUBC's. My wife didn't want to be married to me anymore either. Even so, right now I am at peace with where I am at in life. I believe it is because of the position I have taken in regard to my marriage and my commitment to God.

My point about things being "All about me" is rooted in Jesus words, "He who tries to save his life will lose it, but he who loses his life for My sake, will find it." I really belive that is what is happening in my life. I'm finding my life in Jesus. My prayer each day is, "God, use me however you see fit." If that means I am supposed to stay single for the rest of my life, fine. I don't think it is too much of a leap to see how that would translate over to CBUBC's life.

Our lives on this world are so short compared to eternal life with Jesus. Why can't we live with a bit of suffering, for the glory of God? We will be rewarded in heaven. And, oddly enough, as you take that approach to your life, you find that the suffering is lessend by a new relationship with Jesus. Not a bad trade. Yes, I do believe that suffering in marriage can be for the glory of God, if your attitude is you are desiring to serve Him.

 

[bkg]

The important thing in all of this is that all those married, separated, divorced, whatever lean on the Word of God NOT for justification, but for truth, love, and guidance. I think we all (ALL OF US) look for scripture to support our decisions in life, and I'm personally learning that this is exactly what Christ does NOT want us to do. We should look to scripture to guide our lives, not as a use to find justification of decisions we make. If we are walking in the words of God, and walking in the Spirit, our lives and and our steps wil be lay before us by the Spirit.

One point of clarification, though. It's extremely important to interpret the words of Scripture correctly. There have been many debates about the word "adultery" as it is used in Scripture - many of the interpretations are simply wrong. I encourage people to look at the different theological discussions about the use of this term and interpret it as theologeans do, not as each of us wants to. Personally, I believe HayBA12's interpretation of the Mary and Joseph story is 100% correct. If our interpretations are wrong, and we guide another believer in poor doctrine, we have done a dis-service. We're all guilty of that...

Also remember the story of Hosea, where God commanded him to marry and Adultress. And after she left him to persue other lovers, he commanded him to take her back... Lastly, Scripture allows - as an option, not a command - divorce in very specific circumstances only. But Scripture, in fact Jesus himself, COMMANDS love and forgiveness in all circumstances. Not easy to hear, harder to live, and likely the thing we all struggle with greatly.

HayBA12 is correct about the "me" attitude that we ALL have. We have seemingly lost sight of giving more of ourselves when it's asked, and trusting our Lord when times are extremely tough. I do it, and I have to admit that. We see times getting tough and the first thing we do is point fingers, find blame, treat our spouse as our enemy... and should we not be lifting that spouse up in prayer, loving him/her even more during the "tough times" that we KNEW would happen when we said our vows? We all experience only what is common to man; as much as I think we'd all like to believe it, we're not that unique, nor is our life experience.

The OP has to make a decision for himself. Period. No one here will sway him one way or the other - we'll simply enjoy the time-honored tradition of arguing back and forth over the interpretation of Scripture and who did what first and who should respond in what way. The OP has to search his heart and God's heart and allow the Holy Spirit to guide his prayers, his decisions. Anything else is just further evidence that we put faith not in God, but in the lies that the enemy tells us.

Note: *WE* means all of us. Me, you, your neighbors, your friends, you parents, your spouse; all of us. Jesus said we would have to leave all behind to follow Him. I'm realizing as I type this, that this will sometimes mean doing the exact opposite of what all of our well-meaning friends tell us to do. Jesus is clear, He is the way. The rest of us are just mis-guided, sinful and foolishly prideful people who often can't tell left from right if it hit us in the face.

Seeking the Lord is the only answer. And only when He guides a person through the Holy Spirit is the decision the right decision, whatever that decision happens to be. And if the OP, or any of us, are in the Lord's Will through the Holy Spirit, then isn't that all that matters?

bkg

 

[Southern Cross]

I don't know what your life situation is, but mine is very similar to CBUBC's. My wife didn't want to be married to me anymore either. Even so, right now I am at peace with where I am at in life. I believe it is because of the position I have taken in regard to my marriage and my commitment to God.

My life is very similar to CBUDC's, except that I'm not divorced yet. HeyBA12, may I ask if your wife cheated on you and was that a contributing factor in your marriage ending? If not, then your situation may not be the same as the OP's. We're not talking about your relationship with Jesus and your spouse after a divorce here. CDUBC is not in that position. I am totally fine with where you are at and I'm happy for you and the success you are experiencing in your spiritual walk.

And BKG - I admire you for your perseverence as well. Although I challenge you, I do find merit and truth in almost all of what you say.

But as I look closely at how scripture nails down boundaries for relationships, I cannot rule out the option for a divorce when infidelity is involved. I think it also comes down to common sense. When someone is tearing you to shreds emotionally through acts of infidelity, do you sever the relationship or keep going? I truly believe it's a choice and neither are dishonoring to God although the emotional and physical consequences of both actions must be borne regardless of what you choose to do.

Something irks me with the sacrifical lamb attitude when a spouse is openly cheating (or repeatedly cheating) in a marriage. You hear from some that a divorce is ok, but you are told by others to stay married. Yes, I think there is a time when you bear it in the hopes that things will improve. But you've got to act with common sense and know when to say enough is enough.

For CDUBC, what does "enough is enough" look like? I don't know. Personally, I feel it's too soon to call it quits. Fight for the marriage. At least give her a chance to come back to the marriage, accept her with open arms and work through this. I want his marriage - and mine - to survive because I think those vows are that important. But I know when enough is enough in my case.


[Southern Cross here - I removed a paragraph in this space after immediately posting this becasue I thought it was too harsh/too challenging. My message is clear enough throughout the rest of my post anyway ]

Oh, yes, we can debate scriptures and interpretations. I've hit up the best resources I have access to on what scripture is actually saying about the true meaning of adultery. No point in arguing it in the broader context of divorce as we can bring a lot of ammunition to bear in supporting both sides of the argument.

 

[bkg]

And BKG - I admire you for your perseverence as well. Although I challenge you, I do find merit and truth in almost all of what you say.

This has nothing to do with me, or you, or any person on this planet. This is all about a God who can move mountains. Nothing more, nothing less. Frankly, as humans, we simply cannot see the forest for the trees. It's nothing to be sad/ashamed/challenged about, it's just the truth.

Something irks me with the sacrifical lamb attitude when a spouse is openly cheating (or repeatedly cheating) in a marriage. You hear from some that a divorce is ok, but you are told by others to stay married. Yes, I think there is a time when you bear it in the hopes that things will improve. But you've got to act with common sense and know when to say enough is enough.

Any chance that it's your flesh that irks you? Or is it a Godly "irk"? Common sense has little to do with it - Godly sense, the Holy Spirit has EVERYTHING to do with it - whether it's divorce, marriage, job, or what type of cereal to eat for breakfast. Too often we rely on our own "instincts" or feelings to interpret things of which we cannot even remotely begin to understand. REmember, we are fallen, we are tainted... we are not Godly.

For CDUBC, what does "enough is enough" look like? I don't know. Personally, I feel it's too soon to call it quits. Fight for the marriage. At least give her a chance to come back to the marriage, accept her with open arms and work through this. I want his marriage - and mine - to survive because I think those vows are that important.

AMEN, Brother! Best comments made in this entire thread right there!!!!]

 

[bliz]

When is enough enough? I don't know, but I do know that 4 months is not enough.

I worked with a woman whose husband cheated on her for decades... left her, returned, left again... and came home with AIDS to die. She nursed him through it all. Now there's a case of "enough is enough"! She clearly had every legal and Biblical right to bail... but she chose not to.

I'm not suggesting that you should make the same choice, but I am saying that to come to that conslusion, especially when the two of you are not in the same time zone, let alone having not face to face conversations, that 4 months is simply too soon to call it quits. The end result may be no different, but things could look quite different in a few months. "There is pleasure in sin for a season." I know the season is really hard on you, but the season could pass.

Read the first couple of chapters of Hosea before you take any action. God called on Hosea to buy his wife back in the slave market -(it being highly likely that she had sold herself into prostitution to end up in that situation) and fully restore her to her place as his wife.

If you ened up divorced, you do not want to worry for the rest of your life that you were too hasty and did not give her every opportunity to return to the marriage.

 

[Svt4Him]

Always amazes me when people do Biblical Exegeses ‘gymnastics’ style. The Bible is clear, it takes a really intelligent person to muddy it up.

Now to get into some of the stories. My aunt also had the divine revelation from G-d that she was not divorced from her husband, even after he had been remarried. She had this revelation for around ten years. Then she met a wonderful man, who she is now married to. So, according to this revelation, she is still married to her first husband, who is married to another. So did God change or did her understanding of God change? Do anecdotal stories dictate truth? If God has said we are not to murder, do we need to pray if we have the choice to murder, or do we take what God has already said as truth? God has said one can divorce, for a few reasons actually, so do we need to pray to see if God was serious, or just trying to confuse us with clear Scripture?

God restored Hosea's wife, true. This was a picture of what God did to Israel, and the Bible is clear about that. But God also ordered some to divorce, why is that never talked about? If the covenant was with husband/wife/God, did God break His covenant?

To the OP, you do what your conscience tells you. Two days may be too much, or two years may not be enough. Make sure you have a good support team, and realize people will value their opinions on what you should or should not do more than they may value you, and for that I'm sorry.

 

[HeyBA12]

I would be interested to know who God ordered to divorce. I am not aware of that portion of the Bible. God allowed divorce because of the hardness of hearts is the only thing I know of... I don't call that "ordering" it. In fact, I think it re-inforces the fact that He hates divorce. It's like the Isrealites when they chose a King over Samuel. Samuel was really bothered by that and he felt rejected. However, God said that the Israelites weren't rejecting Samuel, they were rejecting Him (God). So, God allowed them to have a King because of the "hardness of their hearts", so to speak. Something to ponder for a while...

 

[Freckles1234]

HeyBA12 said:

OK... I've got to say a few things here. And I have to admit, I'm a bit revved up. I know that a few of you won't like what I have to say. However, it comes from my own experience and revelation from God. I only share what I have learned from Him through my own separation and divorce. So here goes...

First off, the covenant of marriage is not a two person covenant. It is three. The husband and wife AND God. Ultimately your covenant is with God. That is why I have chosen to not pursue any other relationship since my divorce (my wife filed for it). God has made it clear to me that He wants me to be obedient to Him in my marriage commitment, regardless of what my wife has chosen to do. So, because your spouse has "broken" the marriage covenant, doesn't in my understanding, free you from your commitment to God. (I'm not even sure that the Bible gives us the OK to divorce for adultery. Joseph was going to "divorce" Mary because she was pregnant, but God told him not too. This divorce was when they were betrothed, not even married yet. But that is a discussion for another thread)

Secondly, is this life we live on earth supposed to be all about us? Or is it supposed to be about bringing glory to God. God did not create us so that we can live our lives like; "It's all about me!!". NO... It's all about God. Everyone's lives have trials and tests. Some have marriage trials, while others have health trials, etc. Just because your marriage situation is very difficult, does not mean that God wants you to get out so you can be happy. "Consider it all joy, when you encounter various trials, for the testing of your faith will develop perserverance..." This is what God wants. He wants you to grow in faith, to perservere, to be obedient to Him no matter what. This will bring you joy. Not happiness as the world wants to have. But joy in the Lord, even in the midst of your trial.

I, as much as anyone else, don't want to be alone and unmarried for the rest of my life. But I am prepared to be alone. If being obedient to God means that I trust Him for restoration of my marriage, but it still doesn't result in restoration of my marriage, then I have peace with that, becuase I know that God is sovereign and has a plan. I am better off having been obedient and not received a restored marriage, than to have just "moved on with my life". Why? Becuase, in humility I obeyed God, and He has been faithful to me. He can use me whether I am married or remain divorced. It doesn't matter as long as He can use me. He is certainly capable, for nothing is impossible with Him.

That brings me to the last point I want to make. All through the Bible, there are references to God changing hearts. He made hearts hard (as in the heart of Pharoah), and he made them soft, as in the Apostle Paul. Remember, nothing is too hard for God. Do you think it was because of Paul's free will choice that God smote him blind on the road to Damascus? No, God changed Paul's heart. It was nothing that Paul did. Therefore, I believe that God can and will change my wife's heart. I believe that HE can change anyone's heart. Why will He change some people's hearts and not others? I don't know. That is the mystery of God. However, it is that very mystery, which requires us to have faith and to trust Him. That's what it is all about. Looking to God alone, trusting Him for your peace, having faith that He can do anything.

So, I strongly encourage you to take your eyes off of your wife. Put them on God. Pursue God only at this time. Your wife and your marriage are God's problem. Trust Him, look to Him through His word.

Hang in there!!! God is in control....

And:

I would be interested to know who God ordered to divorce. I am not aware of that portion of the Bible. God allowed divorce because of the hardness of hearts is the only thing I know of... I don't call that "ordering" it. In fact, I think it re-inforces the fact that He hates divorce. It's like the Isrealites when they chose a King over Samuel. Samuel was really bothered by that and he felt rejected. However, God said that the Israelites weren't rejecting Samuel, they were rejecting Him (God). So, God allowed them to have a King because of the "hardness of their hearts", so to speak. Something to ponder for a while...

I have been praying against marriage separation and divorce for 17 years, that is my ministry. Right now I am praying for reconciliation of marriages by Christmas. To the point though, these quotes are right on the dot for what is happening in this man's life. Yes, it is a real yoyo roller coaster ride what you are going through right now but the Lord wants you to focus just on Him and give your marriage to Him to handle - don't quit praying for your wife and you can still ask for your marriage as well but 'LET GO AND LET GOD'.

As for the last quote HeyBA12 that is right on as well - God never, ever ordered divorce not did He even create divorce! Moses created divorce and God only permitted it because of the hardness of man's heart. Read chapter 10 of Mark starting at verse 1.

Divorce
1Jesus then left that place and went into the region of Judea and across the Jordan. Again crowds of people came to him, and as was his custom, he taught them.
2Some Pharisees came and tested him by asking, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?"
3"What did Moses command you?" he replied.
4They said, "Moses permitted a man to write a certificate of divorce and send her away."
5"It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law," Jesus replied. 6"But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 7'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8and the two will become one flesh.'So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
10When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. 11He answered, "Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12 And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery."

Also we are not to remarry if we do divorce. God does not say to us 'oops, sorry that husband/wife did not work out so we will try you with this one, - then 2 years later say again 'Oops, sorry, let's try again and see if we can get it right this time'. The only thing that releases us fully from a marriage is the death of a spouse whether you are together or divorced, that is in the Word. I know that I am not very popular when I bring this up but that is what the Word says. I want it known though that I do not judge anyone that has been remarried, that is between them and God. If someone asks me to pray for their marriage I don't even question that because I don't know what has gone on between them and God.

50% of all first marriages end in divorce and over 70% of all second marriages end in divorce. That is saying something right there.

I am glad that I listened to the Lord and waited for my marriage and there were plenty of times that I thought that I would never be with my husband again and the Lord worked it all out for us and we now have a marriage that I never thought would be possible at all. Cbudc you can read my story at www.snipershark.net/church under Stone Tablets and the thread is 'Thank You Lord for my Marriage and it has been bumped up to the first page, the author is Jasper on that site. I will also bump up the thread for Christmas marriage reconciliation here for anyone that wants me to add their names to the list. It is in the prayer request section on this site and no names have been added in a bit, so I will have to find it. I have one that I pray for daily in my documents, so if I can't find it here I will repost it.

 

[cbudc]

Southern Cross said it if you are being emotionally torn by your spouse's infidelity then why stay? Exactly, I find it hard to believe that God would want us to stick around for that. Birds of a feather flock together. It's almost like hanging out with a non-Christian who just wants to party and get drunk and not seek out the Lord. You think God would want us to hang out with them even after numerous times of trying to change them and help them with their walk with God? I guess my point is is that I've TRIED and I've HUNG in there for this. Yes, I will more than likely wait for a face to face confrontation with her to make up my mind completely. Yes, I will ask her to come back and continue with our marriage. If she says no, I want to stay single and I want to be with this other guy, then I'm sorry I'm outta there. Enough is enough. And I don't think God will or would hold it against me should I divorce and should I remarry. Everyone is different with their walk with God. I think it's hard to say who does the right thing as your walk with the Lord is a PERSONAL relationship with Him. This is what I believe. She gets one chance when I get home. I'll probably take her out to dinner, sit and talk about everything but if she's not willing after 6 months of this then I'm not going to continue to let her destroy me emotionally. I'm drained enough as it is from this. I thank you all for your comments, keep em coming. I like reading and debateing this. I pray and hope for my marriage to work. Thanks for the support. God bless.

 

[tiana]

What you said is about what I'd do in your position. Pray about it so that you will be ready to face whatever decision you have to make.

 

[Angieh]

Praying that you will see your answer from God..

 

[Svt4Him]

As for the last quote HeyBA12 that is right on as well - God never, ever ordered divorce not did He even create divorce!

Well actually He did. After reading the law, the Israel people had to divorce their foreign wives, even when they had children.

Ezra 9

1Now when these things were done, the princes came to me, saying, The people of Israel, and the priests, and the Levites, have not separated themselves from the people of the lands, doing according to their abominations, even of the Canaanites, the Hittites, the Perizzites, the Jebusites, the Ammonites, the Moabites, the Egyptians, and the Amorites. 2For they have taken of their daughters for themselves, and for their sons: so that the holy seed have mingled themselves with the people of those lands: yea, the hand of the princes and rulers hath been chief in this trespass.
Ezra 10

1Now when Ezra had prayed, and when he had confessed, weeping and casting himself down before the house of God, there assembled unto him out of Israel a very great congregation of men and women and children: for the people wept very sore. 2And Shechaniah the son of Jehiel, one of the sons of Elam, answered and said unto Ezra, We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. 3Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law. 4Arise; for this matter belongeth unto thee: we also will be with thee: be of good courage, and do it.

 

[Yitzchak]

I think the answer of when enough is enough differs with each person. My brother, who is orthodox jewish told me that modern orthodox jews allow for divorce after 12 months of abandonment by their spouse. I think that we as Christians can be at least as compassionate as modern pharisees are.
Myself, I waited 15 months before I filed for divorce. It took an additional 7 months for the divorce to be final. My ex had an affair and left me to be with her boyfriend.
I will say this. I spent the 15 months praying and often fasting and doing everything I could to reconcile. I have no regrets now because I went beyond what I considered my reasonable responsibility. I also felt realeased by the Lord at that time. Even so, I called my ex the nigth before I filed for divorce and told her that if she had even one half of one percent doubt then I would wait longer and continue to pray for reconciliation. She answered that I should move on with my life and that she was 100% sure she didn't ever want to be back with me.
I have never regreted that 15 months I spent praying and trying to reconcile. Honestly, we are not really ready to start dating after 4 months anyway. And it gave me a clear conscience that I did everything I could.
I respect the fact that the time period may be different for everyone. But whatever time period you think is reasonable , I suggest you double it. That way you have no doubts. 4 months sounds awfuly short to me.

 

[Yitzchak]

By the way, Personally I think that people get hung up on the adultery issue. I often thought what would I have done if my ex would have left me but not had an affair? Personally, I believe that abandonment is grounds for divorce in and of itself. I believe that the Lord has compassion on a person who has been abandoned and allows them to move on with their life after a time period of waiting.

 

[Svt4Him]

Abandonment is grounds for divorce. And I couldn't care less if the pharasees waited their whole life, to transpose their practices as a benchmark for me is silly. (not that I'm seeking a divorce, we were one of a few we know who actually stuck together when both had grounds for divorce, something I hope none go through, although it does open your eyes a bit)

 

[~Nikki~]

ok...sorry for jumping in when the thread's been going for ages...

I just wanted to make a couple of observations:

Marriage is a picture of God's covenant relationship with Israel, and of the relationship between Jesus and the Church.

There are plenty of times in the Bible where it says that God is a husband to Israel, and though they strayed from Him (committed spiritual adultery), all they need to do is turn back to Him and He will take them back.

Also, what if Jesus decided He'd had enough of us when we backslide or disobey Him? Does this mean that He'll just get rid of us and we can never come back to Him?

Marriage is an earthly picture of Heavenly realities...God will never forsake His covenant with Israel, and we are also part of the New Covenant which will never be forsaken by God. We are also supposed to keep our covenant relationships even when the other person doesn't.

One other thing (though this may be a topic for another thread) is that this may lead to the conclusion that adultery is not grounds for divorce either... *please don't all lynch me at once*

One reason being that the so called 'adultery exception' in Matthew actually uses the word 'porneia' which is the word for fornication. In my understanding it refers to divorce being permissable if the husband found out on their wedding night that his bride had defrauded him and wasn't actually a virgin. It is also only mentioned in Matthew which was written to the Jews (and so would seem to be referring specifically to something the Jews would have understood) - none of the other gospels give this 'exception'.

The second reason, which seems a very compelling one to me is that it says in Matthew 6:14-15:
"For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

Seems to me like we have no choice but to forgive, otherwise God will not forgive us for the wrong things we do...

To the OP - please please hang in there! I pray the Lord will bless you

 

[bkg]

Great post!

 

[Svt4Him]

Forgiveness has nothing to do with divorce. You can forgive an alcoholic, you wouldn't let him work in a bar after. There are consequences to sin, even after forgiveness. Not always, but usually. King David was forgiven, but look at his life after.