How long is enough???

[cbudc]

This stuff with my wife and I has been going on since August. I've been praying for paitience and waiting and waiting. When is enough enough? I don't think it's fair for me to sit around and wait my whole life for my wife to figure out that she's sinning and needs to make it right. She may never want to be with me again and there comes a time when I'm going to have to move on. And honestly lately, I've been feeling hopeless about this and then I feel bad that I start thinking and planning my life already anticipating not being married. I just want this to completely end or be fixed. I know that sounds childish but come on. She writes me and tells me she misses me so much and thinks about all the stuff we had together and misses it. Then she says she wishes she didn't miss me anymore but that she does. Then she tells me that she's happy with this other man. I mean really, how in the world am I supposed to just deal with this and say oh I still love you and want to be with you. My biggest fear is that i'll finally be ready to move on and then she'll come around and want me back. Then I'll be in another dilema. I'm tired of feeling bad when I think about wanting to date again or talking to people or planning my life without her in it. It's been almost 4 months since this started and I don't really feel like going through any more. But I love her and I want her back. My mind is running crazy and I'm just so confused. I shouldn't be the one like this. I should be picking up my peices and moving on.

 

[Ache For Heaven]

This stuff with my wife and I has been going on since August. I've been praying for paitience and waiting and waiting. When is enough enough? I don't think it's fair for me to sit around and wait my whole life for my wife to figure out that she's sinning and needs to make it right. She may never want to be with me again and there comes a time when I'm going to have to move on. And honestly lately, I've been feeling hopeless about this and then I feel bad that I start thinking and planning my life already anticipating not being married. I just want this to completely end or be fixed. I know that sounds childish but come on. She writes me and tells me she misses me so much and thinks about all the stuff we had together and misses it. Then she says she wishes she didn't miss me anymore but that she does. Then she tells me that she's happy with this other man. I mean really, how in the world am I supposed to just deal with this and say oh I still love you and want to be with you. My biggest fear is that i'll finally be ready to move on and then she'll come around and want me back. Then I'll be in another dilema. I'm tired of feeling bad when I think about wanting to date again or talking to people or planning my life without her in it. It's been almost 4 months since this started and I don't really feel like going through any more. But I love her and I want her back. My mind is running crazy and I'm just so confused. I shouldn't be the one like this. I should be picking up my peices and moving on.

Well, in my opinion it is ENOUGH! What she is doing to you is emotional cruelty and you need to put and end to it NOW! If she loved you so much she would not be writing these rip your heart out letters. She just wants to leave you hanging on a string. She obviously knows how much you love her and is using it to torture you.
You definately need to write her off and get on with your life.
Are you divorced? I suggest you seriously consider it.
This is not healthy for you, and God loves you, why would he want you to continue in a life that is not healthy for you.
I am a Christian, and by all means I do not believe in taking divorce lightly. But, she has made her decision. It is time for you to make yours, Move On Man!

 

[bkg]

How long? Until GOD SAYS OTHERWISE!!! I know it's not easy, believe me, I know.

But I don't think you can put limits on God by stating "He's had enough time - if He hasn't changed her heart by now, he never will", because you A. Don't know God's timing and B. cannot choose to live for God and for the flesh at the same time.

You're in a Flesh/Spirit battle right now. Your flesh, and the world, is telling you to divorce her and move on; find someone else who will respect you. But your spirit is telling you different, as obvious by your confusion and confession of love for her. The question is *NOT* "when is enough enough?", the question(s) is "Am I willing to commit to the covenant that I entered and lay all of this at the foot of the Cross? Am I willing to trust that God has this in control?"

If you cannot answer "yes" to the latter questions, then you may be in for a troublesome spiritual battle.

You asked "How in the world am I...". I believe that's the wrong question to ask - the world isn't going to help you at all, nor will it have the covenant of your marriage in mind. The world will say "you can't... and it doesn't matter anyway, because she's never coming back...". But what does God say?

The world is great at creating noise - the noise can be so loud that we often don't hear the soft spoken words of our Lord. We have to be diligent to listen carefully, consciously "tuning out" the words of the world and "tuning in" to the words of God. It's NOT easy - heck this morning I cried out "WHY!?!?!?" after just over 11 months of divorce because I had stopped tuning into the Words of God, which tell a completely different story.

I emplore you to check out www.marriagehelponline.com. Order Erin and Dan's "Restoration" book and read it cover to cover, being sure to check each and every Scriptural reference as you do. It may not make the path you've been given to walk easier, but it will help you see the path itself.

When I was in a similar situation, everyone was telling me to move on, divorce her, kick her to the curb, whatever. I blamed her for everything. I thought to myself "I can never trust her again!" and "she doesn't deserve me!" It took a divorce for me to look in the mirror and see the scales fall from my eyes... *I* was the one who had done wrong in the marriage. *I* was the one who didn't love her as Christ loves the church. *I* was the one who broke our vows by not treating her the way Christ instructed. I've since learned that this divorce was NOT about what she did wrong or what she thought she wanted, it was about me... only me. I was supposed to be the spiritual leader who was to put his Marriage before everything but God Himself - *I* didn't do that, and everything fell apart. I do not blame her at all; in fact, I have the utmost respect for her and am very empathetic towards her pain.

The point is that it's time for you to look in the mirror and allow the scales to fall from your eyes... If you have a heart that says "she did this..." or "she did that...", your marriage is doomed before you even have an opportunity to save it. But if your heart is pure and humble before the Lord, with it's priorities in order, and beating with a love blessed by God, you will have an opportunity to change this situation for the better - to the benefit of your marriage, and more importantly, your walk with the Lord.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again (to myself moreso than you at this point)... When we request from God something that we desparately desire, all we have to give in return is our faith, our trust, our praise... and most importantly... our time.

Remember that fear, hopelessnes, confusion - none of that is from God. This is a spiritual war that you are in, and you are not only fighting for your marriage, you are fighting for your wife.

Head to your prayer closet - shut everything else out and focus on the soft voice of God... and let Him tell you what to do. If you listen to me, or anyone else, you will be listening to a human voice and ultimately the advice of a sinful person. God, and God alone must guide you through this, and I promise you that He indeed will. But you first have to put your faith in Him, your trust in Him... and stop putting time limits on Him. Remember Psalm 3 - lean not unto your own understanding. God is working here, let Him do so.

One peice of advice I would offer, that I believe is sound, is this: Walk in love around your wife. Wether that is on the phone, in person, over electronic means. Treat her with the love she deserves as a child of God. Renew your own mind in this manner, and I promise you that things will start to become clear.

Hang in there - KEEP PRAYING - and check out Erin's site...
bkg

 

[bkg]

Well, in my opinion it is ENOUGH! What she is doing to you is emotional cruelty and you need to put and end to it NOW! If she loved you so much she would not be writing these rip your heart out letters. She just wants to leave you hanging on a string. She obviously knows how much you love her and is using it to torture you.
You definately need to write her off and get on with your life.
Are you divorced? I suggest you seriously consider it.
This is not healthy for you, and God loves you, why would he want you to continue in a life that is not healthy for you.
I am a Christian, and by all means I do not believe in taking divorce lightly. But, she has made her decision. It is time for you to make yours, Move On Man!

Unless you know her heart, you are speaking out of turn and out of context. As crass as you may find this next comment, your advice is based in wordly values and not the words of our God and Savior. Please refrain from speculating on her intentions, her motives, her goals or the state of her heart. Neither of us know that, nor should anyone speak words based on human emotion or speculation.

There is always hope for a marriage - and by suggesting divorce for this situation... well... indeed divorce is being taken lightly. This is a spiritual battle to save a marriage and a covenant, it's not a situation that requires or merits vengeance or retaliation. Vengeance is the Lords, not ours.

She will have made up her mind if, and only if, she files for divorce, goes through with it and never speaks to her husband again. Until then, I would request we not lead this marriage down the path of destruction with wordly advice sourced out of wordly feelings and anger.

I hope you are not offended by this... But if you are, well, that's fine.
bkg

 

[Ache For Heaven]

How long? Until GOD SAYS OTHERWISE!!! I know it's not easy, believe me, I know.

But I don't think you can put limits on God by stating "He's had enough time - if He hasn't changed her heart by now, he never will", because you A. Don't know God's timing and B. cannot choose to live for God and for the flesh at the same time.

You're in a Flesh/Spirit battle right now. Your flesh, and the world, is telling you to divorce her and move on; find someone else who will respect you. But your spirit is telling you different, as obvious by your confusion and confession of love for her. The question is *NOT* "when is enough enough?", the question(s) is "Am I willing to commit to the covenant that I entered and lay all of this at the foot of the Cross? Am I willing to trust that God has this in control?"

If you cannot answer "yes" to the latter questions, then you may be in for a troublesome spiritual battle.

You asked "How in the world am I...". I believe that's the wrong question to ask - the world isn't going to help you at all, nor will it have the covenant of your marriage in mind. The world will say "you can't... and it doesn't matter anyway, because she's never coming back...". But what does God say?

The world is great at creating noise - the noise can be so loud that we often don't hear the soft spoken words of our Lord. We have to be diligent to listen carefully, consciously "tuning out" the words of the world and "tuning in" to the words of God. It's NOT easy - heck this morning I cried out "WHY!?!?!?" after just over 11 months of divorce because I had stopped tuning into the Words of God, which tell a completely different story.

I emplore you to check out www.marriagehelponline.com. Order Erin and Dan's "Restoration" book and read it cover to cover, being sure to check each and every Scriptural reference as you do. It may not make the path you've been given to walk easier, but it will help you see the path itself.

When I was in a similar situation, everyone was telling me to move on, divorce her, kick her to the curb, whatever. I blamed her for everything. I thought to myself "I can never trust her again!" and "she doesn't deserve me!" It took a divorce for me to look in the mirror and see the scales fall from my eyes... *I* was the one who had done wrong in the marriage. *I* was the one who didn't love her as Christ loves the church. *I* was the one who broke our vows by not treating her the way Christ instructed. I've since learned that this divorce was NOT about what she did wrong or what she thought she wanted, it was about me... only me. I was supposed to be the spiritual leader who was to put his Marriage before everything but God Himself - *I* didn't do that, and everything fell apart. I do not blame her at all; in fact, I have the utmost respect for her and am very empathetic towards her pain.

The point is that it's time for you to look in the mirror and allow the scales to fall from your eyes... If you have a heart that says "she did this..." or "she did that...", your marriage is doomed before you even have an opportunity to save it. But if your heart is pure and humble before the Lord, with it's priorities in order, and beating with a love blessed by God, you will have an opportunity to change this situation for the better - to the benefit of your marriage, and more importantly, your walk with the Lord.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again (to myself moreso than you at this point)... When we request from God something that we desparately desire, all we have to give in return is our faith, our trust, our praise... and most importantly... our time.

Remember that fear, hopelessnes, confusion - none of that is from God. This is a spiritual war that you are in, and you are not only fighting for your marriage, you are fighting for your wife.

Head to your prayer closet - shut everything else out and focus on the soft voice of God... and let Him tell you what to do. If you listen to me, or anyone else, you will be listening to a human voice and ultimately the advice of a sinful person. God, and God alone must guide you through this, and I promise you that He indeed will. But you first have to put your faith in Him, your trust in Him... and stop putting time limits on Him. Remember Psalm 3 - lean not unto your own understanding. God is working here, let Him do so.

One peice of advice I would offer, that I believe is sound, is this: Walk in love around your wife. Wether that is on the phone, in person, over electronic means. Treat her with the love she deserves as a child of God. Renew your own mind in this manner, and I promise you that things will start to become clear.

Hang in there - KEEP PRAYING - and check out Erin's site...
bkg

Are you saying that your divorce was all your fault? I truly believe that our hurting brother should pray a seek God with all his might. But it takes two to make a marriage work. He can be as Christlike to her all he wants, but it sounds like her heart is not changing, all the time she is with this other man.

I'm also not sure if telling him to divorce her would be advice from the world.
I am a christian and I honestly believe he should start the process. I would be interested to know if she suddenly changed her tune when she knows he won't be there as a rebound for her.

 

[Svt4Him]

Only you can answer that. If it was me, and my wife was with another...well, you've given it longer than I would have. And just so you know, God has already said otherwise. The covenant you made with your wife is broken, God doesn't bind you to it. People may have a different idea, but God has clearly released you.

There is always hope for a marriage - and by suggesting divorce for this situation... well... indeed divorce is being taken lightly. This is a spiritual battle to save a marriage and a covenant,

As naive as this is, no, there is not always hope for a marriage. Maybe in someone's idealistic mind, where they throw out the fact that God will never violate someone's will, then this may be true. By suggesting divorce means nothing of the sort, and the covenant was broken when someone else was brought into the marriage. A basic understanding of covenants would make this clear, although marriage is a bit more than a covenant relationship.

 

[cbudc]

Well, this is interesting and thank you all for your posts. I think I have given a lot of time and prayer about this. Maybe I'm not as strong in my faith as some. I try and I've gotten a lot better even through this time. However, I ask God to speak to me. I ask Him to show me the way. I don't hear him like others do. Maybe I'm just overlooking and I'm sure if I'm not fully and completely trusting Him He won't talk to me. She seems pretty happy and content being with this other man. She tells me she's going to his parents house for thanksgiving and they are going to church together (how ironic huh?) and what not. I don't know if she ever will file for divorce. She may never do it. So she could drag me along like this just to know she could come back at any time. I have different thoughts every day. one day I'm ready to end it then the next day I want to wait it out. But what I really want is to do God's will, I've already told Him that if He doesn't want me with her then I will gladly give this up and move on. It's just hard for me to see what His will is.

BTW---SVT4Him. What do you drive? Mustang owner here. Waiting for a fresh rebuild on it when I get home. Can't wait.

 

[Changed]

*sigh* Once again someone pours their heart out,and it turns into a debate!Why don't we make our responses to/about the original OP w/out throwing in everything else!

~Cbc-I am sorry she is playing mind games and don't even know the full history. I can't tell you to leave or stay,your gonna do what yur gonna do anyway! If she is seeing someone else, playing mind games w/ you, and not willing or ready to change, you are not obligated to be someone's doormat!Adultrey is biblical grounds for divorce! Just because someone else's outcome was different doesn't mean it will be the same outcome for you! Yes as someone stated- it takes two willing people! It makes no sense to live the rest of your life married (assuming she won't change) for the sake of staying married!

~disclaimer-before anyone gives me a lecture, I've heard it all! I'm not pro-divorce but don't feel ppl should feel guilted to stay in a marriage where adultry is involved! Of course unless Both parties are willing to make it work!

 

[Why?]

The covenant you made with your wife is broken, God doesn't bind you to it. People may have a different idea, but God has clearly released you.

Exactly.

I, also, am not a fan of divorce. I believe there should be very few reasons in which divorce should be legal. Cheating is one of them. Abuse is another. Both of which are happening in this marriage.

If you feel the need to move on, do it. Go slowly and safely. Rely on God. And pray -- a lot.

 

[Svt4Him]

BTW---SVT4Him. What do you drive? Mustang owner here. Waiting for a fresh rebuild on it when I get home. Can't wait.

A diesel Jetta with 412000 KM on it. I get 800 KM to a tank of diesel, so it's really efficient. And a Toyota. My wife wanted a minivan, but I'm fighting that tooth and nail.

 

[bkg]

I have different thoughts every day. one day I'm ready to end it then the next day I want to wait it out. But what I really want is to do God's will, I've already told Him that if He doesn't want me with her then I will gladly give this up and move on. It's just hard for me to see what His will is.

I've been in those exact shoes, my friend. Continue to seek God - He WILL let you know, in no uncertain terms, what you should do. If you have confusion right now, it's not from God. Just make sure you don't move (in either direction) until such time as there is the peace of the Lord over the direction you believe you are to move.

I chose to wait, even though I wasn't seeking the Lord at the time. Had I the chance to do it over, I would have waited in a much different manner - humble, meak, quiet, always seeking the Lord. But I couldn't see the forest for the trees when I went through it.

Continue to pray, you will get an answer.

 

[bkg]

Are you saying that your divorce was all your fault? I truly believe that our hurting brother should pray a seek God with all his might. But it takes two to make a marriage work. He can be as Christlike to her all he wants, but it sounds like her heart is not changing, all the time she is with this other man.

Yes. I will take responsibility for not being a quiet, humble spiritual leader that Christ has called all men to be. I didn't love her as Christ commanded... period.

People may not like that, stating "but she left you..." True, but she left a man who didn't love her the way he was supposed to, and for that I do not blame her. Divorce, separation, marital strife... I believe it is not about assigning blame, it's about taking responsibility and going to the Lord with everything...

"With God, ALL things are possible..." That's something I once forgot and have been reminded of again.

 

[seekfirst]

This stuff with my wife and I has been going on since August. I've been praying for paitience and waiting and waiting. When is enough enough? I don't think it's fair for me to sit around and wait my whole life for my wife to figure out that she's sinning and needs to make it right. She may never want to be with me again and there comes a time when I'm going to have to move on. And honestly lately, I've been feeling hopeless about this and then I feel bad that I start thinking and planning my life already anticipating not being married. I just want this to completely end or be fixed. I know that sounds childish but come on. She writes me and tells me she misses me so much and thinks about all the stuff we had together and misses it. Then she says she wishes she didn't miss me anymore but that she does. Then she tells me that she's happy with this other man. I mean really, how in the world am I supposed to just deal with this and say oh I still love you and want to be with you. My biggest fear is that i'll finally be ready to move on and then she'll come around and want me back. Then I'll be in another dilema. I'm tired of feeling bad when I think about wanting to date again or talking to people or planning my life without her in it. It's been almost 4 months since this started and I don't really feel like going through any more. But I love her and I want her back. My mind is running crazy and I'm just so confused. I shouldn't be the one like this. I should be picking up my peices and moving on.

big(((hugs)))....I started this post trying to give advice...and I found it hard to. I know how much you are hurting, and how miserable you must feel. I know you are lonely, and wanting a relationship again. I know how as each day passes you grow more weary, and more doubtful. God knows this too..even more so then I could ever. Go to Him...only He can give you the advice you seek. My prayers are with you, and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

 

[Southern Cross]

Did you ever get up, get on a plane, and go see her? Talk to her face to face? Confront her? If so - what happened? If not - why not? It's way easier to talk about this stuff on the phone, but don't you think this deserves a face to face discussion? There is no bible verse that tells you whether or not to do this, but, man, is it impossible for you to do this?

BKG advises patience and seking God's will. I wholeheartedly agree with that approach in most situations - but with the caveat that the affair is over or ends immediately. It takes a special guy to stick with a marriage in your situation, and only God's grace and mercy will help you keep it together while she figures out what she's feeling.

To me, it seems like your wife is exercising a sort of emotional power over you, keeping you hanging on until she makes up her mind. Or , does she just feel sorry for you and she doesn't want you to feel completely abandoned? What will she respect more...

1. "Honey. I love you too, and I'll wait for you to come back to me (even though you are with another man). I miss you so much. Please come home soon..."

2. "You know I love you, but that is beside the point right now. You have broken your marraige vows that we both made before God and you are close to completely destroying our marriage. Perhaps us being divorced is the best thing. But if you want to come back and work on our marriage together, you need to stop this affair now, then we'll do what it takes to survive this even if it means we are seperated for a while. If you insist on continuing in this affair, then we cannot remain married, and I wish you the best and I will miss you."

Ok, honestly, I think #2 would make her sit up and think, "Uh oh. I have a choice to make. Do I really want to lose my husband?"

Someone here recommended Restore Ministries to me. They're pretty hard line about staying in a marriage. I didn't agree with some of it (still working through it). A lot of it is still good stuff.

The book that makes the most sense to me - and not because I was biased toward feeling this way - was Dr. James Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough. And you know what? It changed my attitude overnight, gave me strength to risk losing my wife, and my wife is shocked to say the least. And - it's working. I know she's thinking seriously about if her moves to initiate a divorce are the right thing to do. I'm not willing to play the game anymore.

Dude, I wish I could tell you for sure what to do. That's between you and God. All I can say is if I were in your shoes, I'd go talk to her face to face, lay down the ultimatum, and then follow through with the process of dissolving your marriage if she does not stop seeing the other man. Keep in mind, at any point during the process, she could come around and want to save your marriage.

 

[Southern Cross]

And I need to add, I really feel for you. I totally know exactly what you are feeling, except I'm at least a year ahead of you. I go through the same cycles you do. Hang in there. Pray about it. But don't hesitate to act and be a tough, respectful guy when it's required.

Above all - DO NOT fall for any of the temptations that will be thrown your way. I did this, and I made a totally bad choice when I thought my marriage was beyond repair. If there is a chance of saving your marriage, you MUST be prepared for spiritual attacks and temptations. Seriously. Satan wants nothing more than your marriage to end. Right now, you can do that with no regrets. But if you two commit to working this out, be prepared for crazy, crazy stuff to happen. Just see spiritual attacks for what they are.

 

[InTheFlame]

SouthernCross has a good book recommendation there. I was going to say - read Love Must Be Tough and/or Boundaries (preferably both!) and get acquainted with some of the concepts both books present.

My personal (not necessarily God-breathed ) opinion is that you probably need to be living as though you don't expect her back, but so there's room for her if she decides to come back. Does that make sense? You sound as though you need to get on with life and not focus as much on her and the fact that she's not around - and recognise when it's healthy to NOT give her what she wants.

 

[Svt4Him]

There is also another good book, called "married single seperated and divorced", and takes a balanced view of divorce.

 

[cbudc]

Ok, let me try to fill you in on some details I have left out. Southern Cross----Yes, it's vitually immpossible for me to come home. I'm on an itty bitty island and there's only 1 plane that comes here a week with limited seating for us to leave. I'm at the bottom of the list of that since I'd be on leisure leave. So, going home for this is not an option.

Yes, I have read Dr. Dobson's book and it worked the exact oposite. I love the book and would recommend it to anyone but it worked in the opposite way, maybe just initial though I'm not sure. Her first response was to be ****ed and to try to hurt me even more. She would write me emails just trying to emotionally kill me.

Yes, I'm still a little confused for the most part but I'm leaning more to letting this go. She's back in LittleRock and that's where I'm getting stationed in 2 months. We used to live there. I just bought my own house out there so things are going pretty well for me with out her however I would like her in my life for it. I wish I had the emails she has sent to put on here so you can understand what she is saying. Bottome line for me is this.... I've got til Feb. to be overseas. I'll be on a plance back to the states Feb. 5th. If I have not recieved divorce papers or they have not been started by the time I get back to Arkansas this is where I'm going to have to be strong and firm. I still have a bunch of my wife's stuff to give to her. When I give it to her that's when it's going to be crunch time. Either she smarten up right now and work on this marriage or we're done, no more contact no more nothing. And I think I'll be just fine being back in my 2nd home town to deal with it as I see fit.

I really appreciate you guys and your comments and advice. I know this is probably getting old to some of you and for that I'm sorry. Keep your prayers up for me please and of course my beloved wife. You guys take care.

 

[Southern Cross]

No, it's not getting old. We all feel for you. This stuff gets to be tedious and at the same time it's an emotional roller coaster ride. Just hang in there. Yeah, sometimes Dobson's approach doesn't work. Your wife still has free will. But it's the best common sense book I've read in a long time.

Look, I know it may be hard for you to get off the island. I suspect you are in a civilian position, not military. Just the same, think about trying to get a seat on that plane even if it's only to get home for a few days.

I wish you the best. Lots of people here are pulling for you, a few are praying for you, I'm sure of it. I'll certainly keep you in my prayers!

 

[seekfirst]

Me too...my prayers are with. (((hugs)))