Many years ago, my wife expressed to me that she thought I was following Satan in my life and I was headed to hell. As a good Christian man, so I thought, I was stunned and offended by such a bold and derogatory statement, and challenged her on it. Her evidence included my lifetime use of inappropriate contentography, affairs I had had in the past, other sexual sins past and present in my life, and my increasingly angry and hostile responses to her whenever she caught me or asked me about any of those sins. Of course, I was able to justify my actions by blame-shifting, citing circumstances, stating that was in the past, implying she was crazy, that most if it was no big deal, and I wasn’t doing it anymore. I came to realize more recently that those were typical harsh responses from someone with an addiction.
No one sets out to be any kind of a ‘holic – you don’t dream as a kid that you will one day tie a noose around your neck and hang down a drain with sewer water swirling around you, dragging others with you, so you can get your next fix. But in some ways, that was my life, as I battled lust from early childhood on. Now I understand that am a sexaholic – a dirty, creepy name for a rapidly-increasing group of men and women who have, for a variety of reasons, become so addicted to lust that their own mind and body sabotage them into obsessive continuation of their drug of choice long after they choose and try everything to quit with little or no success.
You won’t find many churches opening their doors to groups who try to help sexaholics – we’re a particularly low type of creature they just want to stay away. You won’t find many churches that ever broach the topic of inappropriate contentography or adultery, much less sexual addiction. It just isn’t talked about. Yet statistics clearly show a vast majority of men (up to 90%) and a large number of women (up to 40%) view inappropriate content, and many are addicted or headed that way. The statistics are essentially the same for Christians and non-Christians. And the percentages of kids are even staggeringly higher, as it is mainstream in their culture, and parents continue to hand them their old smart phones so they can get the latest one, and then turn them loose unsupervised.
I’ve joined a local Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) group, and I’m working through their program. I could not be more impressed with what is happening there, as so many, myself included, who have been hopeless in their attempts to get away from their addictions, are finding recovery and freedom, and in some cases restoration with family and friends. I’m currently starting step 1 of 12, but I see so many who are having success as they trust God and help each other walk this life in sobriety instead of addiction.
Whatever reputation I had prior to or early in my addiction, I see it now as a scam – a ruse, even to myself. All that Bible teaching I did and Christian-looking actions turned out to be all about me. I believed in God, but then so do the demons. But I never truly gave my whole heart over to Jesus Christ and made him Lord in my life, so I was just a poser, a play-actor.
On January 9, 2018, I gave my whole heart to Jesus, and now he is Lord of my life. I am learning to walk with him moment by moment, and it’s TRUE – he will really commune with you and hear your prayers and answer them – he isn’t some religious concept drummed up in your imagination.
So, my plan is to record my journey from this point on, as I pass through the steps and learn to finally grow up in the ways that have been lacking in my life. I am not proud of my past – I always knew better, but chose to take care of me and protect me above all others, especially my wife, who took the brunt of my sins and my abuse our entire marriage, but stood by me only by God’s grace while I struggled to become free and start recovery. Words cannot possibly express my deep love and appreciation for her – without her I’d be, as she said, living for Satan and on my way to hell.
By God’s grace alone, I have hope for a better future, and for a healed marriage, and for loving instead of using and abusing my wife – my deepest regret.
I believe I am to share this journey because so many who are still hiding in the darkness, struggling to get away from sexual sin and addiction, and have no idea what to do next and now where to turn. Their efforts to stop have all failed. Maybe their marriage is on the rocks or over. Maybe they are thinking of suicide because they see no other way out. I can tell you there is a way out, and it’s working for many, and it’s working for me. Please walk with me, if you’d like, and let’s see what God can do that we never thought possible – he can work miracles – I’ve already seen that twice in my life this past week.
No one sets out to be any kind of a ‘holic – you don’t dream as a kid that you will one day tie a noose around your neck and hang down a drain with sewer water swirling around you, dragging others with you, so you can get your next fix. But in some ways, that was my life, as I battled lust from early childhood on. Now I understand that am a sexaholic – a dirty, creepy name for a rapidly-increasing group of men and women who have, for a variety of reasons, become so addicted to lust that their own mind and body sabotage them into obsessive continuation of their drug of choice long after they choose and try everything to quit with little or no success.
You won’t find many churches opening their doors to groups who try to help sexaholics – we’re a particularly low type of creature they just want to stay away. You won’t find many churches that ever broach the topic of inappropriate contentography or adultery, much less sexual addiction. It just isn’t talked about. Yet statistics clearly show a vast majority of men (up to 90%) and a large number of women (up to 40%) view inappropriate content, and many are addicted or headed that way. The statistics are essentially the same for Christians and non-Christians. And the percentages of kids are even staggeringly higher, as it is mainstream in their culture, and parents continue to hand them their old smart phones so they can get the latest one, and then turn them loose unsupervised.
I’ve joined a local Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) group, and I’m working through their program. I could not be more impressed with what is happening there, as so many, myself included, who have been hopeless in their attempts to get away from their addictions, are finding recovery and freedom, and in some cases restoration with family and friends. I’m currently starting step 1 of 12, but I see so many who are having success as they trust God and help each other walk this life in sobriety instead of addiction.
Whatever reputation I had prior to or early in my addiction, I see it now as a scam – a ruse, even to myself. All that Bible teaching I did and Christian-looking actions turned out to be all about me. I believed in God, but then so do the demons. But I never truly gave my whole heart over to Jesus Christ and made him Lord in my life, so I was just a poser, a play-actor.
On January 9, 2018, I gave my whole heart to Jesus, and now he is Lord of my life. I am learning to walk with him moment by moment, and it’s TRUE – he will really commune with you and hear your prayers and answer them – he isn’t some religious concept drummed up in your imagination.
So, my plan is to record my journey from this point on, as I pass through the steps and learn to finally grow up in the ways that have been lacking in my life. I am not proud of my past – I always knew better, but chose to take care of me and protect me above all others, especially my wife, who took the brunt of my sins and my abuse our entire marriage, but stood by me only by God’s grace while I struggled to become free and start recovery. Words cannot possibly express my deep love and appreciation for her – without her I’d be, as she said, living for Satan and on my way to hell.
By God’s grace alone, I have hope for a better future, and for a healed marriage, and for loving instead of using and abusing my wife – my deepest regret.
I believe I am to share this journey because so many who are still hiding in the darkness, struggling to get away from sexual sin and addiction, and have no idea what to do next and now where to turn. Their efforts to stop have all failed. Maybe their marriage is on the rocks or over. Maybe they are thinking of suicide because they see no other way out. I can tell you there is a way out, and it’s working for many, and it’s working for me. Please walk with me, if you’d like, and let’s see what God can do that we never thought possible – he can work miracles – I’ve already seen that twice in my life this past week.
