I guess my story starts back from my childhood. I grew up with a mentally ill mom. She's schizophrenic. Made it very hard growing up. Her episodes only come every few months, those are when she is worst.. Her mental illness caused her to be very violent and abusive at times. She screams and yells at the people in her head, will hallucinate, and memories of things that never happened will pop into her head. She even thought many times through us kids were growing up that the devil or "spooks" had entered our bodies and threw big kitchen knives at us. She has some very false and schizo caused beliefs, which makes it hard for her to actually know truth from false..but she doesn't know this. She thinks she is right. She still doesn't believe that smoking caused her gum disease. People, such as my old neighbors, caused it. Her being fat and ugly isn't due to the fact that she smokes, never excersizes, and eats very unhealthy..it is becauseof other people. Because of my mother, I couldn't have friends growing up. My mother ws very protective and would not let me go anywhere without first meeting that child's parent. But I was afraid to let people meet my mother. And I couldn't bring them to my house..the ONE time that I did, the girl ran home crying because my mom was threatening to kill her mom.. because her mom was a "spook" and somehow harming my mother.
I was also sexually molested by my own grandfather(my dad's dad) when I was only around 4 years old. I can't remember it, can only remember the dreams.. I don't really know if they are similar to what happened that day..but I do remember the house, the sandbox in the back yard,.. the kitchen table... can't really remember it, but I can see how it affected me.. I was excessively curious about sex throughout childhood, engaged in inappropriate sex play, had very poor self esteem and no confidence, and even masturbated throughout my childhood. Through my early teen years my self-esteem was so low, and I always felt I needed to impress guys. I dressed inappropriately, let guys touch me innapropiately(boobs, butt, rubbing).. I never liked it, but I did feel the need for that attention..if that can make sense. Didn't like hte action, but needed the attention...
But along with the above.. I spent my childhood very angry at my father. Angry for letting us live with my mother, for leaving us home alone with her when she was going crazy, not ever divorcing her or getting us away from her,.. and never doing anythign about my molestation. He didn't believe my mom when she told him.. part of me can't blame him..considering my mom's mental illness, but the after effects were right there! There is no way he coudln't have seen them... so, spent alot of my childhood angry at my father for never doing anything.. even now I can't see him as much of a father, just a man that lives in my house and tells jokes occasionally and gives us money.
All of this that happened created some huge anger problems for me. My mom was always cussing and being very angry and hurtfull.. and I picked it up. I started cussing like crazy, getting into fights, being very very bitter and resentful.. and I even used to abuse the dogs I own. Anything to get my anger out..
(I apologize for how long this is getting...
)
I'm a dog trainer. I started taking training classes with my dogs when I was eight years old. Ever since, I've been competing and training. It is something I loved to do.. Three years ago, when I was thirteen(and when my dressing innapropriately and anger issues were most out of hand) my dog training instructors(who run an animal rescue) gave me one of teir dogs to work with. They owned her, but I worked with her at classes. This dog had been seriously horribly abused by previous owners. She was fearful, scared, and afraid. Because of my anger problems, she bit me many many times because i was too harsh with her. She was scared, and that is hte only way she knew to get my hands off of her. I ruined this dog even more before I realized what I did.. by the time I realized this, I had already done so much more damage to this little dog. That is when I strated to try to change myself. I worked to stay more positive, use treats, and never punish her. I needed her trust.. Years later(last year), we were competing.. and she was finishing courses and winning.. and we had such an incredible bond. And that little dog had taught me more than anything in my life at that time ever had. She taught me LOVE. She taught me what it was to love something so much that you forced yourself to change so that you wouldn't hurt them anymore.. I'm still so very grateful for htat dog.. wow. What I didn't know then was that GOD sent me that little dog. He sent me that dog to prepare my heart for Him. Because in the condition I was in then, I woudl have never accepted him.
At the very end of this school year I made a new friend. He was a friend of a friend. One night my brother(only a year older than me) invited a few boys over for a computer gaming party. This guy that I had only talked to minimumally through the year(he was also new this year) and I actually spent all night talking. He came into my room instead of playing hte computer games and asked me questions about what I believed, if I thought there was a God. I said no.. he spent hours in my room that night talking to me about God. Listening to what I had to say,...though, I didn' have much of an oppurtunity to say much. I remember being in almost a trance, trying to take in everything he said. I remember being absolutely in awe of him. And scared, that maybe he was right.. but it wasn't even maybe.. I used the word "maybe", but his actions told me that He did exist! This kid, had so much faith. So much knowledge, and his face just seemed to shine.. to be lit up.. and everythign he said... We all(my twin, my brohters, and his computer gaming friends) all stayed up till 7 am that morning. And I remember being drawn to this guy.. I was with him all night, watching him play his games, talkign to him.. and before he left the next day, he told me that he wanted to talk to me more. Which was all fine with me. I NEEDED to talk to him more. I remember after he left just this huge feeling that I needed to talk to him..wanted to tell him even more..
over the next few weeks we talked alot over MSN. He taught me about God, listened to my problems, and never got mad at me even when I said his beleifs were illogical and dumb... HE continued to talk to me, and persuade me.. and, I started praying. If God existed, maybe talkign to him would reveal Him..
In the second week of June I was saved. I had come home from a dog trainign class one night, and an online dog buddy wanted me to take a video to show her how to teach her dog somethign. I tried getting my dogs to do something on video, but they were confused and didn't understand. I began to get more and more frustrated with them... until I hit my dog. And I even picked her up and shook her.. perhaps she is "just" a dog to you, but this dog is my BABY. I cared for her ever since she was a puppy, she was my only friend, I taught her, fed her.. she was my own little child. And I did that to her.. I hit her.. Up until this, I had been changing and learning.. and I rarely got mad at my dogs and hit them anymore... but that night proved that I coudn't do it. I coudn't change on my own. I cried and bawled. I was bawling so hard on my bed and shaking.. That is when I just siad "God.. I'm horrible. I'm sorry. A person like me doesn't deserve Your love. God, I need help.. Jesus.. omygod,... I cna't do it. I've tried. I can't do it. I'm never going to be able to do it. I can't do it on my own.. Jesus, I need you. I can't do it on my own.. Help me. I need You." After I said that, I felt just this presence.. like someone was there with me. It was so overwhelming, and peaceful. It was amazing.
The next time I talked to my friend online, he asked me if I had been saved. He knew. I told him "yes", and he knew it. .. He didn't even have to ask. He knew.
So I spent the entire summer growing in my friendship with this friend. He helped me, talked to me, encouraged me. He got me a bible, invited me to wednesday night church/youth group.. He was my frist ever friend,.. first person I ever let get close to me. First person that I ever felt I could really realy trust. First person that I actually WANTED to tell things to... and I know God sent that friend to help me.. I thank God everday for sending me my friend... God knew he was exactly what I needed.
And so, now..here I am. A christian. A person that is not the same as she used to be. My anger problems are practically non-existant.. I still can get terribly frustrated at times, but no longer do I get angry..more or less I jsut let the tears flow(before I was always afraid to cry.. woudln't do it) and would just talk to God.. trust Him, and let Him comfort me. I now have friends, and I'm getting over my self-conscience problems. I'm learning.. I'm turning into a better person.. All Thanks to God.
I was also sexually molested by my own grandfather(my dad's dad) when I was only around 4 years old. I can't remember it, can only remember the dreams.. I don't really know if they are similar to what happened that day..but I do remember the house, the sandbox in the back yard,.. the kitchen table... can't really remember it, but I can see how it affected me.. I was excessively curious about sex throughout childhood, engaged in inappropriate sex play, had very poor self esteem and no confidence, and even masturbated throughout my childhood. Through my early teen years my self-esteem was so low, and I always felt I needed to impress guys. I dressed inappropriately, let guys touch me innapropiately(boobs, butt, rubbing).. I never liked it, but I did feel the need for that attention..if that can make sense. Didn't like hte action, but needed the attention...
But along with the above.. I spent my childhood very angry at my father. Angry for letting us live with my mother, for leaving us home alone with her when she was going crazy, not ever divorcing her or getting us away from her,.. and never doing anythign about my molestation. He didn't believe my mom when she told him.. part of me can't blame him..considering my mom's mental illness, but the after effects were right there! There is no way he coudln't have seen them... so, spent alot of my childhood angry at my father for never doing anything.. even now I can't see him as much of a father, just a man that lives in my house and tells jokes occasionally and gives us money.
All of this that happened created some huge anger problems for me. My mom was always cussing and being very angry and hurtfull.. and I picked it up. I started cussing like crazy, getting into fights, being very very bitter and resentful.. and I even used to abuse the dogs I own. Anything to get my anger out..
(I apologize for how long this is getting...
)I'm a dog trainer. I started taking training classes with my dogs when I was eight years old. Ever since, I've been competing and training. It is something I loved to do.. Three years ago, when I was thirteen(and when my dressing innapropriately and anger issues were most out of hand) my dog training instructors(who run an animal rescue) gave me one of teir dogs to work with. They owned her, but I worked with her at classes. This dog had been seriously horribly abused by previous owners. She was fearful, scared, and afraid. Because of my anger problems, she bit me many many times because i was too harsh with her. She was scared, and that is hte only way she knew to get my hands off of her. I ruined this dog even more before I realized what I did.. by the time I realized this, I had already done so much more damage to this little dog. That is when I strated to try to change myself. I worked to stay more positive, use treats, and never punish her. I needed her trust.. Years later(last year), we were competing.. and she was finishing courses and winning.. and we had such an incredible bond. And that little dog had taught me more than anything in my life at that time ever had. She taught me LOVE. She taught me what it was to love something so much that you forced yourself to change so that you wouldn't hurt them anymore.. I'm still so very grateful for htat dog.. wow. What I didn't know then was that GOD sent me that little dog. He sent me that dog to prepare my heart for Him. Because in the condition I was in then, I woudl have never accepted him.
At the very end of this school year I made a new friend. He was a friend of a friend. One night my brother(only a year older than me) invited a few boys over for a computer gaming party. This guy that I had only talked to minimumally through the year(he was also new this year) and I actually spent all night talking. He came into my room instead of playing hte computer games and asked me questions about what I believed, if I thought there was a God. I said no.. he spent hours in my room that night talking to me about God. Listening to what I had to say,...though, I didn' have much of an oppurtunity to say much. I remember being in almost a trance, trying to take in everything he said. I remember being absolutely in awe of him. And scared, that maybe he was right.. but it wasn't even maybe.. I used the word "maybe", but his actions told me that He did exist! This kid, had so much faith. So much knowledge, and his face just seemed to shine.. to be lit up.. and everythign he said... We all(my twin, my brohters, and his computer gaming friends) all stayed up till 7 am that morning. And I remember being drawn to this guy.. I was with him all night, watching him play his games, talkign to him.. and before he left the next day, he told me that he wanted to talk to me more. Which was all fine with me. I NEEDED to talk to him more. I remember after he left just this huge feeling that I needed to talk to him..wanted to tell him even more..
over the next few weeks we talked alot over MSN. He taught me about God, listened to my problems, and never got mad at me even when I said his beleifs were illogical and dumb... HE continued to talk to me, and persuade me.. and, I started praying. If God existed, maybe talkign to him would reveal Him..
In the second week of June I was saved. I had come home from a dog trainign class one night, and an online dog buddy wanted me to take a video to show her how to teach her dog somethign. I tried getting my dogs to do something on video, but they were confused and didn't understand. I began to get more and more frustrated with them... until I hit my dog. And I even picked her up and shook her.. perhaps she is "just" a dog to you, but this dog is my BABY. I cared for her ever since she was a puppy, she was my only friend, I taught her, fed her.. she was my own little child. And I did that to her.. I hit her.. Up until this, I had been changing and learning.. and I rarely got mad at my dogs and hit them anymore... but that night proved that I coudn't do it. I coudn't change on my own. I cried and bawled. I was bawling so hard on my bed and shaking.. That is when I just siad "God.. I'm horrible. I'm sorry. A person like me doesn't deserve Your love. God, I need help.. Jesus.. omygod,... I cna't do it. I've tried. I can't do it. I'm never going to be able to do it. I can't do it on my own.. Jesus, I need you. I can't do it on my own.. Help me. I need You." After I said that, I felt just this presence.. like someone was there with me. It was so overwhelming, and peaceful. It was amazing.
The next time I talked to my friend online, he asked me if I had been saved. He knew. I told him "yes", and he knew it. .. He didn't even have to ask. He knew.
So I spent the entire summer growing in my friendship with this friend. He helped me, talked to me, encouraged me. He got me a bible, invited me to wednesday night church/youth group.. He was my frist ever friend,.. first person I ever let get close to me. First person that I ever felt I could really realy trust. First person that I actually WANTED to tell things to... and I know God sent that friend to help me.. I thank God everday for sending me my friend... God knew he was exactly what I needed.
And so, now..here I am. A christian. A person that is not the same as she used to be. My anger problems are practically non-existant.. I still can get terribly frustrated at times, but no longer do I get angry..more or less I jsut let the tears flow(before I was always afraid to cry.. woudln't do it) and would just talk to God.. trust Him, and let Him comfort me. I now have friends, and I'm getting over my self-conscience problems. I'm learning.. I'm turning into a better person.. All Thanks to God.
