How far is too far?

[wishbenash]

My girlfriend and i are trying to make sure we dont cross any lines in our physicall relationship.

We cuddle and kiss, hold hands and hug, some times we 'make out' to use an Americanism but recently its gotten a little bit more intimate in that weve been giving each other back rubs and so on. Is this too far? what would be considered too far?

 

[Bampot]

I think too far is all up to the couple. Whatever you're both comfortable with.

 

[Luther073082]

Trying to define how far is too far is sort of a legalism. Let us go over the rules and you figure out how to follow them. I feel this has been one of the great freedoms we have had in Christ.

We are to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love our neighbors as ourselves.

The Lord our God intended sexual relations to only happen within the confines of marriage.

The bible does not break down specifics as to what defines sexual relations.

This sort of gets to where you two need to figure it out for yourselves. You need to talk about it. I'm not going to try and break down what you can and can't do with your girlfriend. I'm not your dad, and if your dad was breaking that down, it might be a bit disturbing.

If you feel you might have gone a bit too far, talk to your GF and reel it back a bit.

Communicate communicate communicate

 

[The Nihilist]

The main rule is never go a to m

 

[leftrightleftrightleft]

i'm kinda in a similar position at the moment too. and me and my girlfriend talked about it and laid down some ground rules as to how far was too far.

as far as what is considered a sexual sin by God? i don't think its very well described in the Bible. Because of this, you can consider "sexual relations" to be as literal as intercourse or as broad as anything past hand-holding. its very ambiguous.

personally, i think sexual relations is anything that is intercourse or trying to substitute for intercourse (aka if you stick something in something...you're trying to substitute for intercourse. whether its mouths or hands or...i dunno...whatever else). if you've got your clothes on and your hands above the belt, i don't think you're doing anything wrong.

i think God made our bodies pleasurable to the opposite sex for a reason. i think he made sex sacred for a reason too. and remember, not ever physically intimate thing is automatically lustful.

 

[gzt]

I think one good rule is to consider this: what do you think your future wife - if you marry somebody else - would rather you not did with anybody else before you were married to her? What would you prefer that your future wife had not done with anybody else? The person you are with may marry somebody else. She is not your wife. You do not want her to have any regrets about what she did with you.

Another concern is this: whether or not it is "intercourse", it is sexual behavior. Your bodies are not for recreation, they are temples of the living God. And what you are doing is not recreation, it is foreplay. You're playing with fire.

That said, you have to figure out where the boundaries ought to be. But whatever boundaries you choose, keep in mind that it's not a free-for-all inside that fence, either. And consider that, if you do marry this girl, how you treat her before marriage will have strong implications for how much she can trust you.

Anyway. I'm still working on this myself and haven't been absolutely perfect, so please don't take away from this that I'm holding myself up as an example. These are just some points I've had to wrestle with and that you should consider when trying to determine how you ought to behave.

 

[r3b0rn]

I think the post above this one has some great advice.

I don't think coming up with a list of actions you can and cannot do is the best way to approach this. If we were to do that, you'd likely find one thing that wasn't specifically mentioned, and do that.

I think the most important thing to think about is whether or not you are honoring God when you show affection to your girlfriend. You need to be honoring God first, and your girl secondly.

What are your motives? Is it physical desire and lust that pushes you to act? Are you acting out of genuine love and respect for your girl? Check your heart and make sure you could stand before God and unashamedly report to Him about how you treat your girlfriend.

The bible doesn't get into specifics. Clearly having sex is wrong, but it doesn't say anything about holding hands, cuddling, kissing and whatnot.

Ultimately, talk to God and your girlfriend about this, discuss what you think honors God, and what the limits ought to be. Once you have defined them, stick to them.

It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong, and it's good that you are concerned about purity. I will say that I think you are asking the wrong question. We ought not to ask how close to the line we can get. Don't play with fire, because eventually, even if you never intended on it, you will get burned.

Making out may or may not be right for you. Check your motives, check where your heart is. If it causes you to lust, or you find yourself wanting to go further, it's better not to do it, even if making out itself isn't necessarily sin.

This is one of God's daughters. Tread carefully, and don't mistreat her. Be the kind of boyfriend Jesus would be. Ask God for help, and wisdom.

It is good to see that you care enough to make sure that you are staying pure. If you ask Him for help, He will help you.

 

[HisLittleHazelnut]

From one who has slipped up, let me tell you, it's too far when you feel aroused by an action. For instance, there's kisses that make me love him more, and then there's kisses that make me very aroused. And sometimes, the same action doesn't always trigger the same response. Some days he can kiss me on the neck right next to my shoulder and I'll think it's sweet, other days, I'm ready to pounce on him after that.

If it arouses you that day, STOP that action, and get some distance between you and your partner.

 

[Boss_BlueAngels]

How far is too far?


When you have to come on here and ask if you've gone too far.

 

[Rudolfmdlt]

My 2 cents.

I've also gone too far.

And I've come to the conclusion that NO SINGLE ACTION, in and of itself is a sin. It is the state of your mind and soul when doing the action that matters. Even thinking of her in a lustful way is a sin (because it opens the door to the "spirit of lust"). Trust me on this one, that thing gets in your head and it breads.

Please, by all means rub her back. Don't rub her back and while your hands are sliding up and down her back imagine them going lower and lower.

Kiss her, hold her, spoon on a Saturday morning, and if you have the mental discipline, even shower together. There's a challenge for a mental adept.

But what ever you do, always monitor your thoughts and know where your weakness's are.

I've recently broken a porn addiction and done tons of research on lust and the weakness's i have. You sound like a very decent kid, but because of that, know the bad thoughts for what they are when they get in your head. There are certain things that are natural for a guy to feel, but when they cross a certain barrier they start corrupting your thoughts, actions and finally your relationship. You'll know when you cross that boundary.

The people above have given very practical advice. Take it to heart.

 

[KAY99]

My 2 cents.

I've also gone too far.

And I've come to the conclusion that NO SINGLE ACTION, in and of itself is a sin. It is the state of your mind and soul when doing the action that matters. Even thinking of her in a lustful way is a sin (because it opens the door to the "spirit of lust"). Trust me on this one, that thing gets in your head and it breads.

Please, by all means rub her back. Don't rub her back and while your hands are sliding up and down her back imagine them going lower and lower.

Kiss her, hold her, spoon on a Saturday morning, and if you have the mental discipline, even shower together. There's a challenge for a mental adept.

But what ever you do, always monitor your thoughts and know where your weakness's are.

I've recently broken a porn addiction and done tons of research on lust and the weakness's i have. You sound like a very decent kid, but because of that, know the bad thoughts for what they are when they get in your head. There are certain things that are natural for a guy to feel, but when they cross a certain barrier they start corrupting your thoughts, actions and finally your relationship. You'll know when you cross that boundary.

The people above have given very practical advice. Take it to heart.

Good advice, although I would say that some actions must be considered a sin... For example, would you consider mutual masturbation a sin? It is hard to argue that it is something that God would be please with before marriage.

Also, as for your shower comment, I kind of think that would be a pretty bad idea, even for the most disciplined person ^^ But perhaps others are a lot more disciplined then myself.

 

[dayhiker]

As one can see from the comments so far, there are a lot of views. So as those posts say one needs to communicate with your SO and know what your goal, plan and limits are.

Personally, I'm on the liberal side.

dayhiker

 

[lifetheuniverse]

I know two couples.

One couple is composed of two virgins. They have never known anyone else. They have been saved forever. They have been dating for about five years. When they have the smallest moment of privacy they wrap their bodies around each other and kiss like there is no tomorrow. There is no guilt or shame but only joy and delight.

One couple is composed of two Christians. One was saved eight years ago, the other was saved two years ago. They have both had pre-marital relationships with about five to seven people before meeting aech other. They occasionally hold hands but they do not kiss. They are not affectionate. They are very legalistic about showing affection to each other.

My conclusion is that the more one has used ones sexuality in sexual relationships before meeting each other the more shame and legalism one will have when it is used in the context with the one you will want to marry.

As you two are both dating and are not engaged, just consider the reality of it for a moment. You two can be more affectionate and even have pre-marital sex. In fact many of the married couples in your church- and probably the deacons and even the pastors no less- have done so. Several times. With several partners. The reality is that you two should take seriously how far you both want to go.

Since your both human, its probable you two could break up.

Imagine yourself five years from now. Five years from now imagine that you broke up with her in three years. That there was heartache, tears, accusations, and emotional pain from having been so close. Even cheating. Now imagine the future you giving you advice of what to do now- what would they say?

Imagine yourself five years from now. Five years from now imagine that you are living together but are unmarried. Some parts of the relationship are boring, and both of you regret not experimenting more and playing the field. However the relationship is still satisfying enough for both of you to stay in it. Imagine the possible you five years from now giving you advice, what would they say?

Imagine yourself seven years from now. You are both married, have a bumper crop of children. You have bills to worry about and you regret giving up some of the dreams you had when you were younger for this dream- of having her hand in marriage and building a life together. Imagine this future you giving you advice. It is bittersweet to form a relationship with someone even though it seems it closes some doors. Imagine the future you holding a son- your son. Imagine the scent of their hair as they hold them. They tell you it was worth it even though you had to give up a lot- including freedom. Go on, he talks more.

Now look at all of these possible futures- these potential futures. Blink your eyes. They could all happen but they havn't happened. I just composited them from what many other people have experienced with their lives. No one knows what will happen. Build your relationship day by day and make life an adventure. You only live once.

And any potential spouse in the future will not care as much about how many people who were partners with in the past but rather what you have to offer them and the relationship in the moments you are with them. That includes the career, and not so much the people you were with while you were getting the education and work needed to start it.