how do you tell people...

[BlueJay83]

Some people from "our" old church are finding out about our separation.
This is a step I'm starting to not enjoy terribly... telling people, especially Christians, that you're separated and seeking divorce.

Some people are incredibly arrogant and insensitive about it.
If I leave out the part about her cheating so many times.. there is just the stereotypical judgemental statements such as "well you both played a part"
err... well actually you have no idea because I protected her for so long at my own expense.

Even though I'll sign divorce papers the second I have a chance to, I still don't want to embarrass her by exposing her sin. (Genesis 9:23)
I already told her I wont tell "people".

How did you approach this issue?

the new church i'm starting to attend is quite supportive so far, it's just the people from the "past" that knew us as a young couple that find it so hard to believe and are being unpleasant.

 

[iambren]

How about---"Because we faced irreconcilable differences that I could not rectify or have any control over". Most people will respect that line and not delve any farther. If a church discipline situation arises you might confide in your pastor that they might vouch for the appropriateness of your divorce.

You've behaved honorably; frankly better than I did. Continue taking the high road.

 

[Camalinda]

If a church discipline situation arises you might confide in your pastor that they might vouch for the appropriateness of your divorce.

I really like this. I think I would do this if I were being constantly harassed by people about the whys and wherefores of my separation/divorce. You can just refer them back to your pastor without telling them ANYthing.

I get so steamed that people feel they have a right to question the validity of situations like yours. I think so many Christians hear the word "divorce" and almost go into a stupor and then emerge with only half their brain cells working. And when they finally CAN say something, it usually comes out as "Well, there are two sides and it's hard to only hear one" as you mentioned.

Grrrrrr....

It's. Not. Their. Business. Unless these people have some sort of spiritual authority over you (such as your new pastor), it's just not their business and I would be quick to cut them off at the pass, put up a hand and say, "Sorry, not a topic I'm willing to discuss." Because you will NEVER satisfy everyone and no matter how well laid out your response is, someone will find a loophole and you will again end up feeling unheard and defeated.

Very few Christians I know really, truly care about what my children and I have endured and suffered. They just don't. Because there isn't 'adultery'- sex with another female, cut and dried- they can't look past the D word. No matter how I try to explain or examples I give, someone always says the inevitable, "Two sides to every story" or "Couldn't you have done x,y,z instead?" or ........... fill in the blank.

So I personally would not feel obligated at all to explain to people who have the nerve to ask you- beyond genuine concern and compassion- about your separation. One good thing about refusing to discuss a topic with people is you'll quickly find out who are really your friends and who aren't. People who just want to dish the dirt will cross you off their list quickly if you won't give them bits to keep them wanting more.

 

[Camalinda]

Even though I'll sign divorce papers the second I have a chance to, I still don't want to embarrass her by exposing her sin. (Genesis 9:23)
I already told her I wont tell "people".

I also think this is very wise of you. Your ex may not have a relationship, or much of one, with your children *right now*, but, in the future she may and you certainly don't want anything out there in public that could get back to your children about their mother. Even if she never has a relationship with them, you don't want lots of information floating around about her that might get back to your children's ears. So even for that reason, just refuse to discuss details with people. I mean, I do have close friends who do know details, but I trust them and they're not just any Tom, Dick or Harry... people who just ask for curiosity's sake- no. Wouldn't tell them a thing.

 

[BlueJay83]

awesome thank you both. I'm not sure what to say other than that.. thanks. good posts.

We're no longer in that church, but in my new one I'll definatley apply the "Pastoral Discipline" approach you mentioned iambren. Thanks for your encouragement too.
(i left the old church about a year ago on unrelated reasons.. they were teaching strange stuff I couldn't accept)

camalinda, you're dead right.
This has been eye opening in weeding out those who were wearing a mask and those who actually care. Its surprising almost at who the "religious" people are.
Thankfully I'm not in that church anymore so there are fewer people to deal with.