How do you stop loving someone?

[live4grace]

I'm going to have to honestly say that this post hit a nerve. I've had to sit and think (and pray) before I was able to respond. If I come across as harsh, please forgive me..

As far it comes from me, you're forgiven without asking for it.

You seem to think you know me. I don't recall in any of my posts mentioning comparing my two husbands. My present husband is not Danny. He is nothing like Danny. ..

Now I you to forgive me because I read too much into your last paragraph from your first post (below). But also, you don't know me either because if you did, you'd know that I would never do, say or write anything to make matters worse for you.

I know in my heart part of the problem is because I can't stop loving my Danny. So I ask you now, how do I forget? How do I stop loving someone who I loved so very dearly? How do I get over the guilt and shame of not telling him about Jesus before it was too late? How do I watch as another man walks my daughter down the aisle, knowing in my heart of hearts that it should be her own daddy?..

from your reply:

Therefore, I have nothing to compare them too. Yes, in the beginning I did compare. If you can feel my pain now can you imagaine what it was like back then? I knew I needed to get on with my life.

It wasn't just painful back then; you're still in pain. Of course you had to cope and do what you can for those you love.

I knew I needed a father for my daughter. I knew she needed brothers and sisters. But I also thought in my mind that I had killed my husband. For that I didn't deserve happiness. I didn't deserve a man who would love me with the love that Danny did. Yes, at that time I compared the two. I never wanted to love that much again, so I looked for a man totally opposite my Danny. And I found one. That's a sick way of thinking, but it was also the only way I could cope. So, yes, in the beginning I did compare the two. But now I don't. There is nothing to compare them to. I accept my husband for who and what he is. He is not my Danny. He never was, and he never will be.

Excellent, you're not comparing. But, question (don't answer this, it's just a question for you to know the honest answer to): Do you regret marrying your current husband?

As far as my now husband knowing how I feel. No, he doesn't. Would you like to know that your wife loves someone else more than she loves you?

Without question, yes. I don't believe married people should hide things, even painful ones.

Wouldn't you be hurt knowing that there was nothing you could do to change that fact? You are right. You can't compare the living to the dead. I've built a castle in Danny's name. I've forgotten everything bad about him. There is only good. How can someone deal with that knowing that they themselves are so less perfect. Knowing that they can never be that other person? No, my husband does not know how much I still love Danny. It wouldn't be fair to him. I would never hurt him like that. I hole this pain inside, and the only time I ever let it out is on this computer board.

Ok, the thing that isn't fair, the thing that this all stems from is all that happened regarding Danny's sickness and particularly, what happened to you the night Danny died. What you've been through is worst case trauma. It's like soldiers at war watching their best friends' bodies get peppered with machine gun fire. That you've been able to hold it together even as much as you have is God's grace. But you HAVE to hear this (over and over, from the Holy Spirit): IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't kill Danny you're not the only one who could have told him about Jesus. No doubt he did hear the gospel and if not, he's only responsible for the light he had. You're not supposed to carry those burdens.

And no one is worthy of the unconditional love of a spouse, much less the unconditional love of God. I hope that you can receive that Danny's love for you is only a teensy image of God's love for you.

There are also other reasons for not telling my now husband. He would use it as yet another excuse to be with someone else. If I can love someone more than him why shouldn't he go out and find someone who can love him for who he is? That's just his way of thinking. And for the record, I do love my now husband. I don't love him like Danny, but I do love him. I love him for who and what he is. He has many wonderful qualities, but he would not tolerate knowing that I still hold Danny so near to my heart.

Don't answer this on the board if it's too personal, but answer it to yourself "Has your present husband ever been unfaithful?" Maybe you don't know or maybe he has. But if he hasn't I wouldn't assume he'd be that way now, because there is something he can do about it, go with you and support you as you get help to get the gunk out.

I wish I knew Danny. He sounds like he'd be a great friend as well as a husband and father. But speaking as a guy (for him, if that's permitted), if I were to die and my wife survive me, my message to her (and I believe his to you) would be something like "If you love me, then get on with your life. What we had was God-blessed and I'm eternally grateful to ever have met, let alone marry and share my life with such a wonderful woman. But you've been given a precious gift of life to live, so live it. Remarry, and love the guy even more than you loved me because that's how marriage is supposed to be. Please forgive me for anything I did to hurt or offend you and know that I forgive you for anything you said or did without condition or bounds. You have my love always."

As for counseling. I did that in the beginning. In fact, I saw many different counselors. Maybe I went to the wrong ones, maybe it was just too soon. They didn't help. Each and everyone of them told me that I had to hate Danny in order to get over losing him. That to me is just stupid. Danny did nothing wrong. It wasn't his fault he got sick. It wasn't his fault that car ran the median and hit us head on. Danny did nothing wrong, so hating him was just out of the question..

You're right, that's not counsel, it's lunacy. I apologize for what they told you; they sound like amateurs unequipped to help you. You say there were many? Was any of them a believer? a pastor?

I know I need help. I know I've got a problem. Why in the world would I even bring it up if I thought that the way I feel is normal? Everyone deserves to be happy. I've lost that happiness. I lost it the day that I lost Danny. Right now I'm just an empty shell. I've made myself into this unfeeling, indifferent person, and I want ME back! Right now, at this very minute, I should feel something, but I don't. There are no tears, there is no anger. There is nothing. I force myself to smile. I force myself to laugh. I force myself to cry when I think I should cry, but inside there is nothing. I know I need help. I can't do this on my own. I need to feel something when my daughter walks down that aisle to get married next month. But counseling is out of the question. I won't do it. God knows my heart. He knows what I need. He is the one I'm depending on right now. God and only God.

A little about me. I've studied with pastoral counselors who go to scenes like Ground Zero after 9/11 and New Orleans after Katrina. I write that to tell you that what you've been through is absolutely on par with anything described in stress counseling training.

If you received counsel like "hate Danny", that's even further trauma. It stinks and they stink as supposed "counselors" for saying so.

But, the numb feelings are a classic part of stress disorder. That a counselor wouldn't know that is indication that he/she is incompetent.

But you're right in that God is the main Counselor. From beginning to end, He's really all we have.

I'm putting Danny back in the room now. He's not with me anyhow. He is in Heaven with God.

My life is in your hands Lord. I beg of you to please help me. Every night when I go to bed I ask you to please let me wake up from this nightmare and have Danny back. Right now I ask of you to please let me wake up from this nightmare and have ME back. I surrender it all to you. You have total control of me. Do what you will. I am yours. Help me feel. Help me love. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Father, You are the only One who knows our sister's pain. You are the only One who can touch her where she really hurts and heal, deeply and completely. Grant her grace beyond feelings, thoughts and deeds to know the depths of Your love for her. Send her wonderful friends who can listen and support without judging or demanding anything from her. Give her rest and assurance that Danny is in Your hands, as we all will be someday, but show her the wonder of her life and all the things You have planned. Rekindle an excitement like that of a young girl, fresh every day. In Jesus' name. Amen.

I will pray and pray.

 

[c1ners]

As far it comes from me, you're forgiven without asking for it.



Now I you to forgive me because I read too much into your last paragraph from your first post (below). But also, you don't know me either because if you did, you'd know that I would never do, say or write anything to make matters worse for you.



from your reply:



It wasn't just painful back then; you're still in pain. Of course you had to cope and do what you can for those you love.



Excellent, you're not comparing. But, question (don't answer this, it's just a question for you to know the honest answer to): Do you regret marrying your current husband?



Without question, yes. I don't believe married people should hide things, even painful ones.



Ok, the thing that isn't fair, the thing that this all stems from is all that happened regarding Danny's sickness and particularly, what happened to you the night Danny died. What you've been through is worst case trauma. It's like soldiers at war watching their best friends' bodies get peppered with machine gun fire. That you've been able to hold it together even as much as you have is God's grace. But you HAVE to hear this (over and over, from the Holy Spirit): IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You didn't kill Danny you're not the only one who could have told him about Jesus. No doubt he did hear the gospel and if not, he's only responsible for the light he had. You're not supposed to carry those burdens.

And no one is worthy of the unconditional love of a spouse, much less the unconditional love of God. I hope that you can receive that Danny's love for you is only a teensy image of God's love for you.



Don't answer this on the board if it's too personal, but answer it to yourself "Has your present husband ever been unfaithful?" Maybe you don't know or maybe he has. But if he hasn't I wouldn't assume he'd be that way now, because there is something he can do about it, go with you and support you as you get help to get the gunk out.

I wish I knew Danny. He sounds like he'd be a great friend as well as a husband and father. But speaking as a guy (for him, if that's permitted), if I were to die and my wife survive me, my message to her (and I believe his to you) would be something like "If you love me, then get on with your life. What we had was God-blessed and I'm eternally grateful to ever have met, let alone marry and share my life with such a wonderful woman. But you've been given a precious gift of life to live, so live it. Remarry, and love the guy even more than you loved me because that's how marriage is supposed to be. Please forgive me for anything I did to hurt or offend you and know that I forgive you for anything you said or did without condition or bounds. You have my love always."



You're right, that's not counsel, it's lunacy. I apologize for what they told you; they sound like amateurs unequipped to help you. You say there were many? Was any of them a believer? a pastor?



A little about me. I've studied with pastoral counselors who go to scenes like Ground Zero after 9/11 and New Orleans after Katrina. I write that to tell you that what you've been through is absolutely on par with anything described in stress counseling training.

If you received counsel like "hate Danny", that's even further trauma. It stinks and they stink as supposed "counselors" for saying so.

But, the numb feelings are a classic part of stress disorder. That a counselor wouldn't know that is indication that he/she is incompetent.

But you're right in that God is the main Counselor. From beginning to end, He's really all we have.




Father, You are the only One who knows our sister's pain. You are the only One who can touch her where she really hurts and heal, deeply and completely. Grant her grace beyond feelings, thoughts and deeds to know the depths of Your love for her. Send her wonderful friends who can listen and support without judging or demanding anything from her. Give her rest and assurance that Danny is in Your hands, as we all will be someday, but show her the wonder of her life and all the things You have planned. Rekindle an excitement like that of a young girl, fresh every day. In Jesus' name. Amen.

I will pray and pray.

Thank you.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I could never stop.
I wouldn't even want to.

 

[CordieLaLa]

c1ners, I loved it when you said you want YOU back because again I can 100% relate to that. I feel like crying when you ask the Lord to wake you from this nightmare because I too said the same prayer.

To me you sound like you are halfway to getting yourself back. You completed the first half of your journey when you admitted that this is not you and that your grief is taking a hold on you.

I tried councelling and I found it only made the problem worse. I'm currently on anti-depressants and they are helping me a lot. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about them.

I am going to PM you some advice because I don't want it to hurt you but I find it helped me so much.