How do you know that you're saved?
I cannot say that I have ever had the assurance that I am saved. I have always doubted my salvation and for quite a while I was absolutely convinced I was still lost. I desire something greater than I've known before, the only problem is I can't describe what I'm looking for because I don't know what it is. Sometimes I think I'm psyching myself up to something that doesn't exist, and I just need to be happy where I am and just do better and obey more. A huge problem for me is obeying, which for me alot of the time means denying myself all sorts of foods that I enjoy, and even fasting whenever I'm not at work. It means not going and having fun doing things like fishing, I have a super weak conscience and it condemns me for almost everything so it is harder for me to obey than it should be. I will say that there are many legit sins that I struggle with like having hateful thoughts towards others, judgemental thoughts, lustful thoughts, and the sorts, but I really try not to let it show to others and to stop doing them. I try to live a morally right life every day and try to do the right thing no matter how much of an inconvenience it is.
I also think I need to share the gospel with people more, but when I do, I get convicted that I don't even really know Jesus so who am I to tell them what to believe. I can't tell someone about how he saved me because I don't have any assurance of it myself. Recently I 've begun again to think I'm not really saved and I get a very strong desire to seek out the Lord , but then something in me tells me I've been saved but just walking out of step with God because I'm not doing good enough. I have so many dreams where death is hunting me down in some sort of way and I'm always just narrowly escaping, only to have to keep running. I'm not someone who is super into dream interpretation but I think our dreams can sometimes at least be a reflection of what is going on in our life at the moment.
I guess I just need to know if I'm really saved or not. It would be stupid if I went through life thinking I was when I wasn't, and also stupid if it was vice versa. I really want something more and I've been praying for that because if I had an assurance that would just be amazing. I want to be as confident as the people that wrote some of the old hymns like Sweetly Resting (in the rifted rock), Blessed Assurance, All the way my savior leads me, etc,...
I want peace so much, but when I think k that and search it out I just begin to think I just need to do more stuff like clean my room more and eat less and never go out and have fun, start keeping the sabbath, praying better, etc...
Sometimes I've even thought in order to come to Jesus I must be homeless, never talk to my parents again, and reject Paul's writings. I read the Bible a lot so I'm well acquainted with passages that contradict these notions, but somehow my mind twists the scripture to make them mean things they probably don't mean. I used to be scared to read the Bible because I always thought God was telling me through it to quit my job and go be homeless in the big city etc...