How do you feel....?

[ElizabethanLady]

I have a question I am wanting ladies' responses to.

Ladies, how important is it to you that your fiance or potential fiance be able to support you financially?

I feel that, if I am to marry a man; that if I am willing to be faithful to him and be his wife, that he is bound to support me and I believe scripture backs that up. It says that a man who won't support his family is worse than an infidel.

I ask this because, I have a boyfriend/fiance and he wants me to work after we get married (IF we do...I am having doubts.)
I have a profession, so it's not like I would be working in a dump. But, my profession is VERY strenuous, both physically and emotionally.

I would like to know that I could be "just a housewife" if that is what I wanted.

But I know my fiance does not feel that way.

I am offended by this and, although I am absolutely certain he loves me it seems to me I am just another source of income, rather that a potential wife.

I'm sorry but I feel that a woman has a right to be supported by her husband.

HOW do you ladies feel?

(note: I said "ladies")

 

[pegatha]

In my experience, a marriage works very well when the guy is the breadwinner, and the wife is free to adapt to his schedule and to take care of errands, shopping, and things around the home. Not to mention that it's so much better for kids to be at home with a mom than in daycare.

However, I'm a little troubled that you refer to staying at home as a right. Maybe that sense of entitlement is what's bothering your fiance. Is he afraid that you're seeing him just as a meal ticket? (And are you?) Does he think he'll end up doing all the work, while you're at home with unlimited free time and no responsibilities?

It's one thing to believe that traditional husband/wife roles are best. It's another to just expect to be taken care of. If it's the former, then that may mean that you and he have very different expectations of your marriage. You need either to resolve those differences before you marry, or find someone who believes like you do. If it's the latter, then you have some growing up to do.

Another thing to consider. Bad stuff happens (serious illnesses and accidents), and you could end up being the breadwinner anyway if something like that happens to him. So just keep in mind that even if you do stay at home in the beginning, that could change in a heartbeat. Are you committed enough to this man to support him, if he ever became disabled?

 

[ElizabethanLady]

I understand what you're saying, but it's nothing like that.

I'm not a gold-digger or anything like that. I'm not lazy. I'm just trying to find God's perfect will for my life.
I also want to homeschool my kids.

I do think a woman has a right to be supported by her husband. That's what the bible teaches, as far as I know.
It's nothing personal about ME, that I have a "right".....that's what scripture teaches to the best of my knowledge.

I guess I asked because I don't feel guilty expecting this. I was just curious how other ladies viewed it.

Yes if a man is disabled of course that is a totally different situation. Am I committed enough to him? No. Because he is not on the same spiritual page and for other reasons...........so I guess my question was a moot one anyway!
LOL

 

[charligirl]

I think that in an ideal world I would agree that the husband provides financially and the wife runs the home/kids. However that does not always happen in reality, circumstances change and to be honest, I wouldn't want to be a housewife unless i had children anyway, I would feel really lazy.

Once I have children I believe in staying at home with them until they are school age, however in my case I am believeing for a miracle, beause financially we will be unable to do that as things stand at the moment.

Proverbs 31 woman talks about the woman trading and having a business.. so I'm not sure I agree with the stance that the bible says it's your right to be supported completely

 

[LiberatedChick]

I think I only have the right to be supported by my husband if I am unable to go out to work due to illness or if my job requires me to be in the home (i.e. when we have kids...my job will be to look after them). I believe that husband and wife should be equal. He goes out to work and so I should pull my weight also. It would also not work for us financially. Whilst we could live on just one of our wages we'd be scraping by. One wage packet would pay the rent, bills and food costs but there'd be no money for anything else. No luxuries, no trips out, not even any savings! I couldn't live like that knowing I'm perfectly capable of working.

Currently we both work during the day and I do housework at weekend and evenings and he does too. A 50:50 split in workload with each person giving and each person taking so there's not one person doing all the giving and one doing all the taking.

 

[JillLars]

I believe both spouses have a responsibility to support the family unit, in all ways, including financially.

Here's what I don't understand about your position:

I feel that, if I am to marry a man; that if I am willing to be faithful to him and be his wife, that he is bound to support me

I would hope that your future husband would be willing to be faithful to you, and be your husband. By the logic you are using, you would be bound to support him. The faithfulness and love that you give to your husband should be "no strings attached". You don't love someone with conditions. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I fear that your view has the potential to make your future mates feel as if they don't measure up. What happens if your husband loses his job, and realizes that your love and committement is conditional upon his being able to support the family (while this may not be the case, saying something even remotely like that will stick with a person). Can you imagine what that would do to him psychologically?

I do wish the best for you, I hope that you find someone who's life goals are in line with your own.

 

[pegatha]

I'm not a gold-digger or anything like that. I'm not lazy. I'm just trying to find God's perfect will for my life. I also want to homeschool my kids.

I do think a woman has a right to be supported by her husband. That's what the bible teaches, as far as I know. It's nothing personal about ME, that I have a "right".....that's what scripture teaches to the best of my knowledge.

If that's the case, then I agree with you, and I think you just haven't met Mr. Right yet.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

You all are not understanding me.
I probably didn't explain myself properly.

I don't want to be the BREADWINNER.

In my previous marriage, I was the breadwinner for two years.

My BF/fiance has a job, but they only work part-time. I would be the main breadwinner; with a very real possibility of being THE ONLY breadwinner often.

It wouldn't be so bad, but when his "regular" job isn't working, he won't work in a factory or anywhere else to supplement his income. He says it is "demeaning" to work in a factory.
So I have questions about his devotion to us as a family. He puts his fragile ego before our needs.....to me, that isn't good.

I also don't think there is anything "wrong" or "demeaning" about working in a factory.

 

[pegatha]

He puts his fragile ego before our needs.....to me, that isn't good.

I also don't think there is anything "wrong" or "demeaning" about working in a factory.

There is nothing demeaning about any honest work. His attitude sounds like a definite red flag.

 

[selune]

I think there are serious issues you need talk about before you go any further. The refusing to work somewhere while another job is on hold is a big problem. I homeschool and I try to support the family financially by keeping spending low and cleaning our house instead of having a housecleaner. Don't let these types of issues wait until it's too late. After the wedding is way too late to decide what each person will contribute to a marriage. If you have a wedding date already, postpone it. Maybe you two will decide that you can work fulltime until there are kids. I don't know what your criteria are fully (you should) talk about them. Best wishes.

 

[Svt4Him]

There is a ladies forum if you want don't want guys views.

 

[bliz]

Svt4Him - Yes, there is a forum for women, but some men feel free to pop in and share their views there anyway, so, please don't be offended if you are asked to stay out of one thread. You and I may feel that the poster could benifit from the perspective of the gender they wish to exclude, but that's their option.

 

[JillLars]

I don't want to be the BREADWINNER

Honestly, what difference does it make?

It wouldn't be so bad, but when his "regular" job isn't working, he won't work in a factory or anywhere else to supplement his income. He says it is "demeaning" to work in a factory.
So I have questions about his devotion to us as a family. He puts his fragile ego before our needs.....to me, that isn't good.

I agree with you, his attitude is not a good thing. His goals are obviously not in line with yours. Ultimately both parties will need to make sacrifices for the good of the family, forget what they feel they are entitled to, or it won't work out.

 

[E-beth]

I would like to see some of the male point-of-view on this as well.

Also, I think that spouse's should be willing to do whatever they should to support each other. That means a husband has to be willing to work at McDonald's if his wife wants to attend school full-time or be a stay-at-home-mom. Conversely, a woman should be willing to spend less or work more if the family needed her too.

Spouses should be helpmeets to each other. If your spouse is already unwilling to get his hands dirty to support the family, then that needs to be dealt with before the marriage takes place. And you will probably have to come to teh realization that most families these days cannot survive on one income and you may have to adjust your dream accordingly.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

Someone asked what difference it makes who the main breadwinner is.
It makes a difference to me. I thought that was part of a man's "job" as a husband. To provide for his family.
So yes, it makes a difference.
Obviously if he is disabled or something of that nature, that would be different.

 

[desi]

Someone asked what difference it makes who the main breadwinner is.
It makes a difference to me. I thought that was part of a man's "job" as a husband. To provide for his family.
So yes, it makes a difference.
Obviously if he is disabled or something of that nature, that would be different.

Where does the Bible say its a man's job to do all the work? It sounds like you're looking for a guy to take care of you.

 

[bkg]

If I was married and had kids, I'd ask if she'd stay at home and care for them. If no kids were involved, I'd prefer if she worked if for no other reason than to help build a nest egg for when kids arrive.

The idea of being married w/o kids to a woman who doesn't work... for some reason... doesn't sit well with me.

 

[Pope Gonzo]

It's obviously up to each individual couple and how God convicts them, but I'm not a fan of the MRS college degree. If you spent all that money, why sit at home? You said that you've got a strenuous profession... why did you choose it?

 

[pegatha]

It's obviously up to each individual couple and how God convicts them, but I'm not a fan of the MRS college degree. If you spent all that money, why sit at home? You said that you've got a strenuous profession... why did you choose it?

I agree, it's up to each couple to decide. But I don't see a degree as a waste of money for a stay-at-home mom. I think it's a real benefit for kids to have an educated mom, and in some districts, having a college degree makes it less of a hassle (legally) to homeschool the kids.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

"Where does the Bible say its a man's job to do all the work? It sounds like you're looking for a guy to take care of you."

Sigh....and where did I say that I wanted him to "do all the work?"
Believe me....there's more than enough work to go around! The Bible says that a man who won't provide for his family is worse than an infidel. Is that not plain enough for you? Of course, you're the same person who insinuated that a MAN could leave his wife if SHE was unfaithful; but not the other way around; so your response doesn't surprise or disturb me in the least....you obviously don't LIKE women very well.
I don't NEED a "guy to take care of me," thank you. I have a college degree - I earn about TWICE what he earns, by the way.

"The idea of being married w/o kids to a woman who doesn't work... for some reason... doesn't sit well with me."

But that doesn't even apply to my situation: I have 2 children.


If you all think that I am wrong, then please explain the passage in the Bible I mentioned; where it says that a man who won't provide for his family is "worse than an infidel."

And if you don't think a man should provide for his family, what exactly do you think he should be doing while HIS WIFE IS WORKING. You don't seem to see any great need for a man to work; yet you seem to be insinuating that a woman should.

What is my husband to be doing all this time? Playing Mr. Mom, LOL?