How do you feel....?

[desi]

Sigh....and where did I say that I wanted him to "do all the work?"
Believe me....there's more than enough work to go around! The Bible says that a man who won't provide for his family is worse than an infidel. Is that not plain enough for you?

Of course, you're the same person who insinuated that a MAN could leave his wife if SHE was unfaithful; but not the other way around; so your response doesn't surprise or disturb me in the least....you obviously don't LIKE women very well.

I don't NEED a "guy to take care of me," thank you. I have a college degree - I earn about TWICE what he earns, by the way.

Where does the Bible say what you say it does?

Are you suggesting Jesus didn't 'like women very well' because HE is the one who was gender specific, as a Christian I follow his teachings.

So you make alot of money. That don't impress me much.

 

[Nicolette]

ElizabethanLady,
Would you still love and marry this man, if doing so required you to work outside the home?

 

[LiberatedChick]

The Bible says that a man who won't provide for his family is worse than an infidel. Is that not plain enough for you?

To me that passage does not say that a man should be the breadwinner. It says that he should give as well as take. It says he should not let his wife do all the work. IMO It doesn't say that she shouldn't do any work and it doesn't say that she shouldn't be the breadwinner.

 

[Flipper]

What is my husband to be doing all this time? Playing Mr. Mom, LOL?

I know a couple of "Mr. Moms" and their wives are quite happy with the arrangment. When one spouse makes considerably more than the other, sometimes they actually make money when one stays at home because of the savings of expenses in child caring, transportation, etc.

It depends on the individual couple and what they want to do together. If one is taking a position out of laziness or using the other as a meal ticket, then there are red flags, and that problem should be addressed. Otherwise, it's up to the individual couple and what is best for that couple's marriage.

 

[Banana Phone]

Spouses, I believe, must seek to meet each other's needs. Now, that may mean that the wife should stay home, that both should work, or that even the husband should stay home (like my parents did). My girlfriend is spending a lot of money on a college degree so that she can be educated and have an excellent and fulfilling career. For us, I wouldn't have it any other way. However, when we are through with school, she will be paying back her school loans and I will be paying mine. This is how we will meet each other's needs, and if she is having difficulties paying, I will help. She doesn't want to be a housewife, which is part of how she was brought up, and I believe that plays a big part in it. My mom has always worked, and I am used to that so I have no problem with it.

 

[HeatherJay]

I'm really lucky that I have a husband whose job alone can support our family. I'm also very lucky that I have a husband who supports me completely in whatever I want to do. There have been periods where I've WANTED to work, and he helped me make arrangements so that would be possible. There have been periods where I WANTED to go to school, and he helped me make that happen, as well. At this point, with two little ones not yet in school (though the oldest is about to start), I really want to be at home with them, and he supports that completely. I think if given the choice, he would rather me be a housewife (I'd choose the same...I love taking care of my family)...but if I wanted to do something else he'd support me in that.

I think it all comes down to you and your boyfriend having different goals. Don't marry him knowing that he thinks that you should work and then blame him later for not allowing you to stay home. Maybe for you, this is one of those deal-breaker type things. Find someone whose goals line up with your own and don't threaten him with the Bible ('the Bible says you're an infidel if you don't let me stay home'...and BTW where exactly is that verse?)...that's the same as a man using the Bible to 'force' his wife to have sex with him. Yes, it's in the Bible, but the Bible isn't something that should be used as a weapon against your own spouse.

Anyway, I guess I don't view it as my 'right' to stay at home...I view it as a blessing and a priviledge. But, if we couldn't afford it for me to stay home, then I certainly wouldn't blame my husband for that.

Love, Heather

 

[ElizabethanLady]

Where does the Bible say what you say it does?

You mean you don't KNOW????!!!!!!! Goodness!

1 Timothy 5
8 But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel.

Are you suggesting Jesus didn't 'like women very well' because HE is the one who was gender specific, as a Christian I follow his teachings.


No, but I'm SAYING that YOU don't.

MY post is gender-specific...that's what this THREAD is about.

So you make alot of money. That don't impress me much.

I never SAID that I make alot of money - I said that I make MORE than he does, and believe me...impressing YOU is the last thing on my mind. I've read several of your posts....need I say more.

Anyway, I guess I don't view it as my 'right' to stay at home...I view it as a blessing and a priviledge.

*WHHHEEWWWW*, you guys are HARD WORK!!!! You take EVERYTHING, so LITERALLY!
Of course I view it the SAME way......

 

[HeatherJay]

Anyway, I guess I don't view it as my 'right' to stay at home...I view it as a blessing and a priviledge.

*WHHHEEWWWW*, you guys are HARD WORK!!!! You take EVERYTHING, so LITERALLY!
Of course I view it the SAME way......

LOL, honestly, I didn't mean that post to be harsh toward you...sorry if it seemed that way. In a way, I do agree with you...I tend to think that homes and families run much more smoothly when the mother can stay home. My point was only that 'you should marry the kind of man you want to be married to'...that's what my Mama always said. If you already know that he isn't planning on supporting the family on one income, then, since this is a big deal for you, maybe he's not the right guy...ya know?

 

[GirlieGirl]

Doesn't sound like the right guy for you.

I think in an ideal world, the way you described things is the way they would be. Unfortunately, the cost of living is so high now that staying at home for the benefit of your family is sadly not an option for many, many marriages.

Most men I know want to be able to provide for their families. Part of that "man thing" I guess. It's interesting that your boyfriend doesn't feel that way. Are there any ways in which he shows that he wants to be taken care of instead of stepping up to the plate (you get what I'm saying I hope)?

 

[GirlieGirl]

Where does the Bible say what you say it does?

Are you suggesting Jesus didn't 'like women very well' because HE is the one who was gender specific, as a Christian I follow his teachings.

So you make alot of money. That don't impress me much.

Desi, are you trying to be inflamatory again?

I'm saying that with a smile by the way. God love ya Desi - but you're gender-specific theories crack me up. Let's try to keep that topic out of this thread if we can or else we'll be hopelessly sidetracked from the OP's topic.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

I think I've given you all the wrong impression....he actually DOES want to provide for us. He has said he would love it if he could provide for us on one income.

The part that bothered me was that, even though he is very educated, his work is sporadic - and he has nothing on the back burner for the down time; and suggestions of working at a factory are taken as an insult.

We have made some money off eBay, thank goodness.

I would never want to stay home and just "do nothing." Gosh I would go insane.
There are many, many things one can do without being "employed." Actually, I'd like to start my own business (so would he.)
Then, I have 2 children I would like to homeschool.
I would love to keep house better, can our food, raise a large garden, and do volunteer work at a local nursing home.
There are many places in my community that need help, I believe. But, doing this kind of thing (volunteering) doesn't PAY anything............I guess that's why I was hoping we could get by on one salary.

Maybe this is a "stepping out in faith" thing for me.
God said not to worry about money, that he clothes the birds and such without their even worrying about it. Maybe if I just do what I think the Lord wants me to do, my fiance's income will increase.

I really, really, want to volunteer. If it leads to a paid position, fine. But there is such a need.....

 

[alaskamolly]

In response to the original question, I think that ABSOLUTELY the husband-to-be needs to be able to support the wife. If he is not able to, or is not willing to, then I would really think long and hard before marrying him.

Staying home with my children is SO important to me, and it was important to my husband too... I have a thriving home business now, but I didn't at first, and we ate a lot of lentils for a while there... But he was even more supportive of me being home with the children than I was!!!!

That made all the difference, and I can't imagine how stressful it would be to have a husband that did not see the value in a stay-home wife and mother.

No matter how good-looking and/or wonderful this guy is, I'd refuse to marry him altogether until or unless this matter was settled. If he doesn't see the value in his future family NOW, then he's most likely not going to see it later (you will not change him, I promise) and it will be a continual struggle and source of contention between you, not to mention the fact that your children will suffer because of it as well.

My Two Pennies (for whatever they're worth),
Molly

 

[Flipper]

Desi, are you trying to be inflamatory again?

I'm saying that with a smile by the way. God love ya Desi - but you're gender-specific theories crack me up. Let's try to keep that topic out of this thread if we can or else we'll be hopelessly sidetracked from the OP's topic.

I think Mrs. Desi needs to start posting here. I'd love to read her take.

 

[ElizabethanLady]

Molly, you are lucky. Thanks for the comments.

Sigh.

I still don't know what to do. I love him, but....I guess we have different expectations.

I don't know what to do (as usual.)

 

[alaskamolly]

I know it's really hard to do, because you've invested a lot of time into this relationship, but I'd recommend SERIOUSLY reconsidering. I'm speaking from the perspective of a minister's wife, who has seen plenty of sad marriages...

Unless this issue gets resolved, and I do mean TRULY resolved, you should NOT marry this man. Your standards are high, and that is SUCH a good thing--but so NOT what our current culture thinks you should do.

Stand your ground, and be strong. I'm serious--my situation is not "luck"--there were plenty of men I could have been stuck with (especially in my "pre-Jesus" days--thank you, Lord!). It's called being VERY exclusive...

The man you marry is someone you want to be in total AWE of. Seriously. I know he'll be human and all that, but still--he needs to be someone you just look to in AWE. This guy may be great and all, but how can you really and truly respect someone who puts his own needs before yours?

My Two Centsaroonies!

Love in Him,
Molly

 

[pegatha]

Then, I have 2 children I would like to homeschool.
I would love to keep house better, can our food, raise a large garden, and do volunteer work at a local nursing home.
There are many places in my community that need help, I believe. But, doing this kind of thing (volunteering) doesn't PAY anything............I guess that's why I was hoping we could get by on one salary.

Those are all wonderful goals. But if push comes to shove, do you need to do all of them at once? I've volunteered also in the past, and would love to do it again some day. But these days, my family's situation is such that we don't have the time or money resources to justify unpaid work away from the family. He may feel that supporting a family is challenge enough, without subsidizing a wife's efforts for some non-profit entity to boot. I'm not anti-volunteer at all, so please don't take it that way. I'm just trying to see it from a husband/breadwinner's point of view. If I were a man who was edgy about where my next paycheck was coming from, I wouldn't want my wife regularly taking time outside the home, away from the family, unless it brought in some income. Could that be what he's thinking?

 

[GirlieGirl]

I think Mrs. Desi needs to start posting here. I'd love to read her take.

I was thinking the exact same thing! We want Mrs. Desi!! We want Mrs. Desi!!

 

[ElizabethanLady]

Could that be what he's thinking?


No, I haven't mentioned the volunteer work to him. Thanks for all your comments.....

 

[desi]

- but you're gender-specific theories crack me up.

They must seem quaint concepts to many of you in this day and age of sexual equality, but the Bible is an old book. What makes me wonder is how some gender-specific areas 'crack you up' while others, like men supporting wives, are taken quite seriously.

 

[Cordy]

ElizabethanLady: Although I find what you write of your fiance’s attitude toward work bothersome, I am wondering if we would find it equally bothersome for a woman to have such an attitude. I think if a woman said that she would rather be a housewife that work in a factory because she finds that demeaning, many people would support her stance because she is being a good “wife and mother” by remaining in the home. I think our culture has some funny biases in this respect.

Honestly, I don’t agree with either of your philosophies toward working. I personally don’t think either person should be expecting the other person to provide for them – which it seems you both are doing. I think each spouse should enter marriage with attitude that they will do whatever it takes to make things work for the marriage (financially, emotionally etc.). I think that includes both spouses being willing to work or stay home – whatever is best for each family.