How do you feel being a mature single at church?

[Godcrazy]

It's not just phones and stranger danger. Many women are tired of cold approaches from complete strangers when they're going about their everyday business. It's not that they don't want to meet someone, just not like that.

But there definitely are women who want men to approach them and the problem is that there's no way of knowing where someone stands on the matter. The consequence of that problem is that the type of men these women would prefer to date are ones who are respectful of women and, being aware of the harassment women receive, decide that it's better not to approach anyone.

And this is where churches miss the mark. Those women who don't like cold approaches would be open to dating someone if they'd first had a chance to get to know them in some sort of social environment, but that's not happening as many churches offer very little for singles/young adults, and if you're an older single then there's no hope for you. There might be men's and women's groups, but having those groups interact at all would be unthinkable.

I haven`t been lucky with those dated and I turned to the world many years and end up being mistreated long story. But those christians I did date one tried to get me to bed which failed, second tried too and tried make me fall for him in order to while going behind my back, third had waited all his life and was a virgin but only looked through model catalogues and consequently rejected everyone that was not thin like them, and rejected his chance and went for a mail order bride from Russia that looked the deal that end up take all his money and leave. yet another went behind my back while trying to seduce me previously to which I exposed him to the female and it ended. he lied to us both. so that is my experience with christian men

 

[Godcrazy]

Yeah I call BS on "men not stepping up in churches", I don'tsee this happening. When I'd attempt to do so, I'd get a dirty look the same way a strange woman doesn't like being approached in non-Church public place (the gym, store etc).

Most women are not wanting men to approach, as it's off putting these days...unless you're cute, then you may have a shot. Bu with all this stranger danger and peoples' faced buried in their phones...social media has kept people tethered behind the screen, and actually opposed to real life connections.

It`s not just that but the actual dangers involved many damaged or worse, narcissists and worse

 

[Richard.20.12]

Too little done for singles. Too many women afraid the other women take their men that are single. Too much focus on families none on singles. a far cry from the early church. I think add to it the secularity of society in general how people don`t care about each other or know each other anymore. It is sad. we should be different.

Please explain:
"Too many women afraid the other women take their men that are single."
Do you mean there are married/attached women who are afraid that the single women will take their married/attached men if more attention was on single life in the church?

 

[Godcrazy]

Please explain:
"Too many women afraid the other women take their men that are single."
Do you mean there are married/attached women who are afraid that the single women will take their married/attached men if more attention was on single life in the church?

That may be the case, but I have seen it in a general context, where they are afraid of letting you in, generally. Not saying all, but, I am not the only one who have said it

 

[Lost4words]

I tend to ignore all that stuff in church. All i am concerned about is that there is a fresh bowl of water by the door!

 

[Songs_Of_Solomon]

I feel kinda awkward sometimes.. like im missing out because everyone is getting married thats around my age and i'm not. I guess its because i spent the majority of my 20s doing drugs and running with the wrong crowd.. I'm also guessing that I would have to spend a lot more time in the church for that to happen. I'm not quite sure yet. I know that im ready to live a life within Christ.

 

[JAM2b]

I'm not sure that being an older adult has anything to do with my feelings, but for many years I have felt isolated and alone in church. You look around and see others with their spouses, significant others, children, family, and close friends. For me it just emphasizes that I don't have many close relationships with others. I have a close relationship with one of my kids, and that is currently it as far as deep, meaningful relationships. My kid usually won't attend with me. I feel more alone at church than I do when I'm at home by myself.

 

[Richard.20.12]

Depending on the church you attend, being single over a certain age can be intimidating. You look around and all you see are couples and some young singles. Maybe a few seniors who have lost spouses but often with family. Maybe you have no family at that church or even in town. You are coming to church alone.

For me, the hardest part is the unspoken implied assumption that everyone is married and has or will soon have grandchildren. My pastor frequently makes remarks like "you should be teaching this to your children and grandchildren." Well, my kids either don't go to church or don't go with me and they are adults. None are married and no grandchildren in sight. One Mother's Day, as he was dismissing us, he wished us all a wonderful afternoon with our moms and families as we celebrated. My Mom has been dead for many years and I have no nearby family to celebrate with. Besides, while I do remember and honor my mom, given that I am divorced and my mom is with the Lord, I really don't celebrate mother's day at least not in the way he's thinking.

My church has "Family Wednesday Night" where there is something for the whole family. It includes a divorce care class but the other adult classes are usually geared around marriage or family. Men's groups tend to focus on being husbands and fathers. Not exclusively but it's a major focus. My church also has small groups like many churches. They vary in terms of what they do when they meet but quite a few are specific to young couples or couples in general.

There is nothing wrong with any of that. I'm sure most of the adults at my church are married and most of the ones with adult kids probably have grandchildren. I just wish the church would do more to acknowledge we are not all that way. It could be as simple as saying "if you have kids or grandkids, ...." Or, "if you are spending the afternoon with family celebrating Mother's Day..." I am not asking for them to create an over 30 singles small group. I actually think it's great to have diversity in a group. The young can learn from the old and we can discuss things from different perspectives. I think the modern church does too much dividing by ages, sexes, or life stages. They call it Family Wednesday Night but the only time each family is together is when they arrive and when they leave.

I am not social so personally, I don't need singles potlucks or other social events. That's me though. As a mature single, what if anything would you like to see done differently at your church?

You make some really excellent points. It does seem that most all groups/events/activities in most churches today just assume everyone is exactly the same family wise. But we all come from different backgrounds. And the whole point of church is to keep people in their faith and introduce faith to new people and how can you do that if you don't encompass them in your activities? You're spot on with the point that we segregate people too much. We all are aiming for the same goal after all: Heaven. That should unite us all. I bristle at the word inclusive as it's been hijacked by evil groups but it really is the only term that works in this topic. We need to be inclusive to people from all kinds of sin backgrounds. Because we all have plenty of sin.

 

[Richard.20.12]

I met a Hungarian woman online who became a friend. She was younger than me but unmarried. She lived in a small village a couple of hours from Budapest. She was frustrated she could not find a husband and went to her pastor and said it was the church's responsibility to find her a husband. There were single men in her church but none interested in her. She felt the pastor should pull such men aside and tell them they have a responsibility to marry such a woman. Not surprisingly the pastor did not feel it was his or the church's responsibility to play matchmaker.

Some people do find their spouses at church and that's a good place to look but it's not a guarantee. It would probably be easier to meet someone serving in a church ministry or a small group as opposed to conversation after church. For me it would feel too much like "I'm single and you're single and we go to the same church so we should talk." Of course, there is nothing wrong with saying hi to someone after church. I think I would say hi to her and be friendly but then say it was nice meeting her and walk away. Maybe in a couple of weeks, I would look for an opportunity to casually say hi again. See how she responds. Does she act glad to see you or is she pretty neutral? Sometimes people need to warm up to us and not feel pursued from the first meeting. Now, you may have done all that so don't mind me!

That is one thing I like about being single and not looking. Now I can be very comfortable talking to women because there is no pressure. I am not trying to get them to like me or trying to get their number or ask them out. I can be friendly but have no expectations. I think some women get hit upon a lot and maybe grow weary of it. It might be nice for them to talk to a guy who is not looking for something. I feel embarrassed of my sex when I hear from women that all men want on dating sites is to hook up. I try to be the exception and show them there are still men out there who value women for more than their sex. I am not looking to date or get married so it's easier for me. I acknowledge that dating can be difficult and frustrating. I think as we get older we get more set in our ways and less willing to compromise. We have baggage and sometimes our baggage gets in the way. Dating at 50+ is tough.

I would dread meeting someone at a church I go to regularly because it's a really good fit for me, then breaking up and seeing them later, maybe with someone else. It just seems wrong for that to happen at church. Conversely talking to someone as you say, with no pressure, a few words every week, is such a great way of meeting someone. The woman feels no pressure, so she should be able to talk freely. This way you see the real person better. Maybe we should use other churches for socializing and our main church just for worship. It's not as if we only can worship and celebrate and attend Bible studies one day a week. Judging by how many people lament about their loneliness, hitting multiple churches every week sounds socially healthy. If you meet someone and it doesn't work out you can just hit a different church that night. So simple. No drama.

 

[JacquelineDeane55]

Well, I do notice when I go to church that there are a lot of members of the congregation that have their own spouses, and very few of us are still single (like me). It can feel awkward if you think about it.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I would dread meeting someone at a church I go to regularly because it's a really good fit for me, then breaking up and seeing them later, maybe with someone else. It just seems wrong for that to happen at church. Conversely talking to someone as you say, with no pressure, a few words every week, is such a great way of meeting someone. The woman feels no pressure, so she should be able to talk freely. This way you see the real person better. Maybe we should use other churches for socializing and our main church just for worship. It's not as if we only can worship and celebrate and attend Bible studies one day a week. Judging by how many people lament about their loneliness, hitting multiple churches every week sounds socially healthy. If you meet someone and it doesn't work out you can just hit a different church that night. So simple. No drama.

If you attend a really large church, with multiple services, it might not be so bad if you break up with someone. Most people go to smaller churches so not as easy.

If you go back in history, a lot of people found their mates through family and friends. Today, people move a lot in pursuit of careers. We often are not near where we grew up. I have lived in 6 different cities in 3 states not counting the city and state I grew up in. My nearest family is a 7.5-hour drive away. Each time I have moved, I have had to change churches and start over on local friends. People didn't use to move like that. They might attend the same church from birth to death. They had extended family nearby and many friends. Today, you are much more on your own. Churches aren't in the business of providing social opportunities for singles. Some do, but it is not part of their core function. They expect that fellowship will provide such opportunities. If they have a singles ministry, it is usually aimed at young, unmarrieds.

There is no perfect solution. With God, all things are possible. You just have to avail yourself of all the opportunities you have. It might take longer. I know people get lonely and desire a spouse. I am pretty content being alone so I am spared that, but I know it is hard. Prayer. God can provide.

 

[bèlla]

Please explain:
"Too many women afraid the other women take their men that are single."
Do you mean there are married/attached women who are afraid that the single women will take their married/attached men if more attention was on single life in the church?

In my experience that's rarely the case when you've established a connection with the woman beforehand. But there's still a protocol nonetheless. Whether they're married or in a serious relationship he's not my bff or shoulder. That's the primary reason single woman aren't included. They overextend themselves towards the man. Once that happens everyone will be on guard. That doesn't mean there's impropriety. She leans on him too much or seeks his attention.

But when I speak to my friend's companion she's sitting beside him or we're on a speakerphone and talking together. When I've spoken on her behalf to him she's right there as well. There's few instances where we need to speak privately. It's an unspoken accord that keeps problems at bay.

I think the best way to address singles are in groups. Invite a mixture of men and women to a gathering or outing and let them enjoy themselves.

~bella