How do you feel about being single?

Well I am newly single. I have been single for about a month. I was in almost a 9 year marriage. I just learning stuff. Before I got married I was only 18 and just starting to date. So I do not know much on being single. So any tips from this thread would help too.

From someone who's always been single:
Bad. Humiliated. Lonely. Hurt. Worried. Scared. Wanting a baby, badly. Used and despised by society and church.

I don't mind being single. My problem is the way in which I became single. How do I cope? I just pray and know that I'd rather have the one that God meant for me to have instead of just going out there and finding meaningless stuff that's only going to end in hurt feelings.

I don't like being single. I don't want to just force myself to be happy about it. I don't like being looked down upon b/c I am a single woman. I don't like people preaching at me or telling me things that are untrue like that I'm disobedient or will never get married, b/c I'm not happy as a single. I am involved in making an impact for Christ NOW, and hopefully when I marry I want to be making an impact for Christ WITH my husband. I desire a family- a husband and children, and I don't think that's wrong.

Things i've learned:
One thing I've learned is that people's dreams are very precious to them and that it's not right to discourage dreams of others.
Single people need support. They feel alone sometimes. As the body of Christ , I think it's important for people within the church to help singles (and everyone really) to feel like they belong in the family of God.
Not everyone is happy with being single. It doesn't make them less spiritual or less of a Christian. I will serve God regardles of if i'm married or single so I really don't see this as a special time of my life to serve God. I will always serve Him. Life is always a special time to serve HIm.
If you aren't serving God now, a husband or b/f will not make you serve Him more.
Families are important to God; so it is also important to me to have a family of my own. It is ok to want that.
Things I struggle with and want to learn:
- How do deal with people who always point out that you are single? It hurts.
-I'm often worried that it's never going to happen for me. or it will happen when i'm too old to have children. And this makes me sad.
-How to deal with rude comments about singleness often from other Christians. They don't even realize that they said something so rude sometimes. And if you say something about it; it's you who are too sensitive and they are not wrong at all.
-How to deal when you are the only person in your entire family that is single on both sides of the family. It makes me feel like there is something that is wrong with me. And i'm sad to say I get no encouragement but lots of pity and gay comments.
-I don't understand why i'm still single. For many years i was content with singleness, but there have been lots of circumstances that have changed my perspective. I really don't know any good Chrisitan single men anymore and it's discouraging. It makes me feel rejected, ugly, boring, and very negative about myself. It makes me feel forgotten, even though God's word says it's not true. I've been single for a long time, and i'm sorry but I just don't enjoy it anymore.
-Is the answer really just to make yourself so busy that you are too exausted to think about it?
- God has blessed me with a lot of material things. I'm very thankful for my home and car and hardly any finacial worries whatsoever. However material blessings don't love me back. I think I would take a bit of not so nice material blessings in order to have a family that I could love and that loves me. I don't like not sharing.
- I'm often lonely. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to and to physically hug or hold me.
- I don't like being alone ( I know God is always with me and will never leave me, but I can't see Him or audibily hear Him). I want to share my life with someone. I want to have someone to go through life with. Growing old by myself isn't very appealing to me. That possibility is scary to me. I want to be on someone's side and to have someone on my side.
- I don't like pretending that i'm brave and ok with being single forever, when i'm really not, b/c I don't want to be judged and lectured by others, or told that i'm not trusting God. I'm trying to.
-I've read most every book out there about being single. They all pretty much say the same thing. But I don't feel like they speak to anything I'm struggling with in my life. Some of them say things that help, some of them don't. None of them change my desire to be in a Godly marriage.
-I'm disturbed by the idea that a single Christian woman should be this overly independant, able to do everything on her own, never admit her hurts, pretends perfection, never admits she wants marriage kind of woman. I believe in independence and doing things on your own, but not to the point of you don't know how to ask for help when you do need it. I find singleness strange and most Christians response to singles strange. God created us with the ability and the need to have relationships.
-Waiting for the right one is hard. I might appear weak or upset sometimes. It does not mean I've stopped trusting God or that I'm a bitter evil single woman. It means i'm discouraged. Please, say something encouraging to me. Don't turn your nose up at me and say that I just need to love God more or trust God more or serve God more. or that everyone sees that i'm a negative person and so no one likes me, and that i'm not living my life the right way.Trust is happening , I already love God and I already have a ministry that keeps me busy where I serve God. I enjoy life, but I do not enjoy singleness.

I'm glad, but I do get depressed often enough...

Um, some of the things I struggle with are seeing all the people around me with boyfriends! I'm like, (don't mean to sound vain here...) "But I'm SO much prettier than they are! Why do they have a boyfriend, and not me!"
Um, I don't know... that makes me struggle and wonder if guys just don't like me... If maybe I'm not pretty... If maybe God just doesn't have a guy planned out for me anytime in the near future... I'm in my early 20s and I've never had a boyfriends... It's time to get one as far as I'm concerned...

I have learned that a person you might think is right for you at first may not be right later on... And it's best not to get mixed up with those people in the first place. Take it slow, get to know someone BEFORE you start dating them... it'll save you some trouble.

All righty... I don't know if that answered everything or not, but... I hope it did!

mina said:

I don't like being single. I don't want to just force myself to be happy about it. I don't like being looked down upon b/c I am a single woman. I don't like people preaching at me or telling me things that are untrue like that I'm disobedient or will never get married, b/c I'm not happy as a single. I am involved in making an impact for Christ NOW, and hopefully when I marry I want to be making an impact for Christ WITH my husband. I desire a family- a husband and children, and I don't think that's wrong.

Things i've learned:
One thing I've learned is that people's dreams are very precious to them and that it's not right to discourage dreams of others.
Single people need support. They feel alone sometimes. As the body of Christ , I think it's important for people within the church to help singles (and everyone really) to feel like they belong in the family of God.
Not everyone is happy with being single. It doesn't make them less spiritual or less of a Christian. I will serve God regardles of if i'm married or single so I really don't see this as a special time of my life to serve God. I will always serve Him. Life is always a special time to serve HIm.
If you aren't serving God now, a husband or b/f will not make you serve Him more.
Families are important to God; so it is also important to me to have a family of my own. It is ok to want that.
Things I struggle with and want to learn:
- How do deal with people who always point out that you are single? It hurts.
-I'm often worried that it's never going to happen for me. or it will happen when i'm too old to have children. And this makes me sad.
-How to deal with rude comments about singleness often from other Christians. They don't even realize that they said something so rude sometimes.
-How to deal when you are the only person in your entire family that is single on both sides of the family. It makes me feel like there is something that is wrong with me. And i'm sad to say I get no encouragement but lots of pity and gay comments.
-I don't understand why i'm still single. For many years i was content with singleness, but there have been lots of circumstances that have changed my perspective. I really don't know any good Chrisitan single men anymore and it's discouraging. It makes me feel rejected, ugly, boring, and very negative about myself.
-Is the answer really just to make yourself so busy that you are too exausted to think about it?
- God has blessed me with a lot of material things. I'm very thankful for my home and car and hardly any finacial worries whatsoever. However material blessings don't love me back. I think I would take a bit of not so nice material blessings in order to have a family that I could love and that loves me. I don't like not sharing.
- I'm often lonely. Sometimes I just want someone to talk to and to physically hug or hold me.

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Wow mina you've just said it all. That's exactly it.

i'm happy with my life the way it is...not that i don't have my moments but ups and downs are part of life. i have learned:
1. not to allow others to define me
2. to enjoy every day
3. do what i can to become better at being ME.
this does not mean that things don't bother me. but i can't spend the rest of my life being unhappy about what i don't have, or worrying about what i will or will not get. as a matter of fact, that is a sure way of probably not getting it, because if people can't see past the negativity you are sending out, they will run the other way and it is a vicious cycle. a married woman told me that and it is true.
yes, people can be rude, and heartless. but as i said i don't allow their thoughts and words to define or control me. i've been accused of being gay by men (who probably wanted to sleep with me) so what else is new. i'm not and even if i did sleep with them that would not prove anything.
whether we are unmarried or not, we are supposed to take this to heart, remembering that God would not put anything in His Word for us to do that was impossible:
Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Phil. 4: 11-13.
does it mean that i don't get lonely? NO.
does it mean that how i feel sometimes does not matter? NO.
it was not easy to get to this point in life. but it is a much better and happier way to live, one day at a time.
be encouraged
bithiah2

1. Being single
2. Independent
3. Carefree
4. Only being responsible for my own self
5. Enjoying life to the fullest
6. Hanging out with friends and family
7. Not having too much responsibility

I no longer dislike my singleness itself. As I now understand God's reasons for keeping me this way. However, I am saddened by the reactions of those who discover my singleness, asking what's wrong with me, even questioning my heterosexuality. I did not cause this. So how can I defend it?

I've learned that being single is akin to a disability, and people treat you as such. They see you as different, an outcast. They tolerate you, grudgingly accomodate you, and ask how you came to be that way.

I've learned that the world thinks that we hate them, and therefore is all too willing to return the favor. There are those who want me gone, and I will give them their wish soon enough.

Being single is a patchwork quilt of positive and negative experiences and feelings.

Most people point to time and freedom as the top two benefits of being single. With those resources, singles can devote themselves to knowing God better and serving Him, can explore their interests, live a lifestyle of their choosing (be messy, sleep in late, splurge, etc.) and more.

The drawbacks of singleness include aching loneliness, discrimination due to one's single status and even growing self-esteem issues. As great as it is to have my alone time, sometimes I have too much of it and need to interact with people who know me well. And as wonderful as it is to have freedom, I also get ignored socially by married and families who either don't know what to say to me, or would rather just talk to other marrieds. And that starts affecting my self-esteem.

BTW, I agree with mina (you go, girl!) -- it gets REALLY tiresome to be "the good little soldier," doing everything by yourself and trying to keep a stiff upper lip, pretending everything's fine when it's not. And it's also tiresome to have people view you as some sort of failure for feeling that way. It's so easy for marrieds to be judgmental sometimes.

Halls, I'd encourage you to teach your women to use their single years to develop a solid habit of spending time with the Lord. That relationship will be critical to them in all areas of their lives, whether married or single, with or without kids, at work or at home.

Then I'd recommend encouraging them to get out there and DATE. Don't fall prey to the idealist notion that husbands will fall into their laps. It's not the way life happens. Oh, and to date with discernment.

joanna1 said:

From someone who's always been single:
Bad. Humiliated. Lonely. Hurt. Worried. Scared. Wanting a baby, badly. Used and despised by society and church.

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There are children in this world you can help and God will Bless you more than you can ever imagine. Children will die while I type this and you can help them. Having a baby means many many many many many will suffer so horribly and die. Christianity isn't all about meeting someone and popping out babies and living a nice, little picket fence life tithing 10% every week. There's so much to do in the world. Singleness should give everyone an EXTRA chance at that, an extra chance to do something so amazing in Christ's name to help others in need. It doesn't have to be with helping starving children in Africa, it could be helping prepare a meal at a soup kitchen near you, or spending time with the elderly. There are SO many opportunities to fill one's time where you won't be sitting around depressed about being single.

And if those above are your immediate thoughts about being single then I don't think you're ready to be with someone.

Everyone's allowed to be a little sad from time to time but have an outlet to escape those feelings for as long as you can, have things that you can do to take your mind off thinking about what you may perceive to be bad about being single.

Being with someone shouldn't complete you. You should be a whole happy person while you're single. Meeting someone should be a welcome addition to your life, not something needed to fill in what's missing.

being single is akin to a disability

in whose world?
not the one i live in...

bithiah2

ChrisWin1 said:

There are children in this world you can help and God will Bless you more than you can ever imagine. Children will die while I type this and you can help them. Having a baby means many many many many many will suffer so horribly and die. Christianity isn't all about meeting someone and popping out babies and living a nice, little picket fence life tithing 10% every week. There's so much to do in the world. Singleness should give everyone an EXTRA chance at that, an extra chance to do something so amazing in Christ's name to help others in need. It doesn't have to be with helping starving children in Africa, it could be helping prepare a meal at a soup kitchen near you, or spending time with the elderly. There are SO many opportunities to fill one's time where you won't be sitting around depressed about being single.

And if those above are your immediate thoughts about being single then I don't think you're ready to be with someone.

Everyone's allowed to be a little sad from time to time but have an outlet to escape those feelings for as long as you can, have things that you can do to take your mind off thinking about what you may perceive to be bad about being single.

Being with someone shouldn't complete you. You should be a whole happy person while you're single. Meeting someone should be a welcome addition to your life, not something needed to fill in what's missing.

Click to expand...

hallsmentholyptus said:

I am going to be teaching a class at my church for single women. I want to talk to them about how important our singleness is to God's plan for our lives. I wanted to find out from some other single people things you struggle with, things you've learned etc. Thank you so much!

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I am now pretty content with being single, and believe me, thats HUGE for me to say. Ever since I was about 13 I wanted a BF and all of that other stuff, but alas, God has yet to bless me with that. I always had a huge problem with it because I felt totally abnormal being 20 and never having a BF. But about a month ago, I had my heartbroken and I was praying to God that He would heal me of the pain. During my prayer time I suddenly began to pray that God would take away that need I felt for a relationship, and He did!! I still desire one, but I am not moping about it. I know that in God's time it will happen, He has revealed that to me. I decided that I needed to find my love and fullness in God and I am working on doing so. I also realized that God has me single for a reason and I need to be content and happy with that, because God knows a bit more about life then me

After I prayed this prayer I started reading a book called Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. I don't think its meant to be directed toward single people, but alot of what he wrote is applicable to singles and waiting on God and finding your happiness and fulfillment in Christ, because the book is all about a relationship with Him. Its a wonderful book, and I highly recommend it

A wow question for me...

I don't mind being single...My nephew and his wife of 6 years (with a one year old son) just separated and he's looking for a divorce....These kinds of circumstances help me place my perspective on being single...

Single people need to support each other...pray for each other...fellowship with each other....and our church needs to support us by acknowledging we are people just like they are with strengths, weaknesses, needs that God can use in His kingdom...

I would encourage your group to make sure they spend time seeing each other on a regular basis, encouraging each other and getting to know each other...

Lord bless,

..Nestor..

It honestly never really bothered me that much till recently. There's divorce all through my family from one side to the other and so I've never really pursued it and just preferred to wait on God till I was ready, so I didn't make any mistakes.

ChrisWin1 said:

There are children in this world you can help and God will Bless you more than you can ever imagine. Children will die while I type this and you can help them. Having a baby means many many many many many will suffer so horribly and die. Christianity isn't all about meeting someone and popping out babies and living a nice, little picket fence life tithing 10% every week. There's so much to do in the world. Singleness should give everyone an EXTRA chance at that, an extra chance to do something so amazing in Christ's name to help others in need. It doesn't have to be with helping starving children in Africa, it could be helping prepare a meal at a soup kitchen near you, or spending time with the elderly. There are SO many opportunities to fill one's time where you won't be sitting around depressed about being single.

And if those above are your immediate thoughts about being single then I don't think you're ready to be with someone.

Everyone's allowed to be a little sad from time to time but have an outlet to escape those feelings for as long as you can, have things that you can do to take your mind off thinking about what you may perceive to be bad about being single.

Being with someone shouldn't complete you. You should be a whole happy person while you're single. Meeting someone should be a welcome addition to your life, not something needed to fill in what's missing.

Click to expand...

It would be nice to go to Africa and feed starving children and the like... But I think it would so much more fulfilling if this were my family's work and not just my work....

And I think that is what most of us are frustrated with.... As singletons, we have no one to share our work with. We have no one share our joy and sorrows with. I've been reading a book called "Desiring God" and it said that joy isn't complete until it is shared. Being single, this is frustrating because a lot of the time, I have to work out my joys and my struggles with just me and God.

ChrisWin1 said:

There are children in this world you can help and God will Bless you more than you can ever imagine. Children will die while I type this and you can help them. Having a baby means many many many many many will suffer so horribly and die. Christianity isn't all about meeting someone and popping out babies and living a nice, little picket fence life tithing 10% every week. There's so much to do in the world. Singleness should give everyone an EXTRA chance at that, an extra chance to do something so amazing in Christ's name to help others in need. It doesn't have to be with helping starving children in Africa, it could be helping prepare a meal at a soup kitchen near you, or spending time with the elderly. There are SO many opportunities to fill one's time where you won't be sitting around depressed about being single.

And if those above are your immediate thoughts about being single then I don't think you're ready to be with someone.

Everyone's allowed to be a little sad from time to time but have an outlet to escape those feelings for as long as you can, have things that you can do to take your mind off thinking about what you may perceive to be bad about being single.

Being with someone shouldn't complete you. You should be a whole happy person while you're single. Meeting someone should be a welcome addition to your life, not something needed to fill in what's missing.

Click to expand...

Sorry, but there's nothing in there i don't do. I'm even about to leave for full time ministry with children in a place where they badly need care. Does that take away the whole in my womb where there should be a baby of my very own? No and it never will.

knownbeforetime said:

It would be nice to go to Africa and feed starving children and the like... But I think it would so much more fulfilling if this were my family's work and not just my work....

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If that's true for going to Africa is that true for going down to a local food bank to sort food? Or sitting to talk with the elderly? Wouldn't that also be more fulfilling not on your own? I guess you should just not do anything at all for anyone until it can be more fulfilling to you.

But wait a minute. When did life become about you and how fulfilled you are by the good deeds you do? Isn't doing rewarding work about doing it for God, doing it in Christ's great name, doing it to help someone less fortunate than you? Those are supposed to be selfless acts. When did doing things for others become about how it makes you feel?

To say such things will be more worthwhile when you have a family is an excuse. Go. Try it now. Then try it again when you have a family. Then compare how fulfilling it is between the two. But I'll tell you this - God will smile upon you and bless you for the things you do out of the kindness of your heart both now, next week, next month, next year and in 40 years from now... whether you have a family or not. I hate to think what He thinks if you say, "No, God, I'll just wait until I'm married to help people."

As singletons, we have no one to share our work with.

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God is the only one we need. Each and every single one of us - just God.

If you're thinking you need someone else to share life with you're wrong. Of course it would be nice. I won't deny you that. But God alone is all each and every one of us needs. That's difficult to accept. I understand that. And I don't want to put down anyone here but if you need a physical pat on the back for things you do then you need a little straightening out. I don't know how you got that way but I'm sorry. God's always there for you.

HE IS ALL WE NEED.

please understand that.