Forgive me if this sounds horrible, but for a while I have felt that my life consists of nothing more than finding distractions from whatever it is that makes me want to die.
I don't know where I stand with God, but I've concluded that I'm probably not saved. I've struggled for years with the belief that I may be reprobate, but I never have been able to resolve it, despite how many times I've spoken with people about it - both in person and over the internet. I know people here may be eager to give advice on this, but I think everyone has their own interpretation of what to make of it, so I tend to stick to advice that aligns with my theology the most.
I've been in this deeply cynical and nihilistic state of mind. I don't see purpose in anything anymore. People are born, suffer a whole bunch, and then die through no will of their own. There are people in this world who I think would lose a sense of purpose in life if they for a moment thought they could not bring immeasurable suffering to others, and there's nothing anyone can do about them. We can fight as hard as we can to end suffering, but it's here to stay I'm afraid. That is, until the time comes when God sees fit to remove it all himself.
I work in the kitchen of a nursing home. I take people their meals sometimes. There is a sweet woman there (probably in her 30's) who is clearly mentally handicapped. She's almost like a child really. I see her all the time, but when I saw her today it just occurred to me that this person has no clue what it's like to be where I've been. Unbearable guilt and the suffering of the world are likely a total enigma to someone like her. It took everything in my willpower not to break down and weep openly, because I so desperately wish that could be the case for me as well.
I didn't mean to ramble. Things kept coming to mind. How do I cope?
I don't know where I stand with God, but I've concluded that I'm probably not saved. I've struggled for years with the belief that I may be reprobate, but I never have been able to resolve it, despite how many times I've spoken with people about it - both in person and over the internet. I know people here may be eager to give advice on this, but I think everyone has their own interpretation of what to make of it, so I tend to stick to advice that aligns with my theology the most.
I've been in this deeply cynical and nihilistic state of mind. I don't see purpose in anything anymore. People are born, suffer a whole bunch, and then die through no will of their own. There are people in this world who I think would lose a sense of purpose in life if they for a moment thought they could not bring immeasurable suffering to others, and there's nothing anyone can do about them. We can fight as hard as we can to end suffering, but it's here to stay I'm afraid. That is, until the time comes when God sees fit to remove it all himself.
I work in the kitchen of a nursing home. I take people their meals sometimes. There is a sweet woman there (probably in her 30's) who is clearly mentally handicapped. She's almost like a child really. I see her all the time, but when I saw her today it just occurred to me that this person has no clue what it's like to be where I've been. Unbearable guilt and the suffering of the world are likely a total enigma to someone like her. It took everything in my willpower not to break down and weep openly, because I so desperately wish that could be the case for me as well.
I didn't mean to ramble. Things kept coming to mind. How do I cope?
