How do you cope with the lies?

5kidsdad said:

My wife asked me to leave. I did so, and now I am finding out all types of information about her and another guy. No one on her side has an idea, or are completely fooling themselves. I have been blamed for everything that led to the split, and she has told my kids, who are all very young, that I was to blame for everything. I know the truth, my family knows, and my pastor knows. I am undoubtedly being drug through the dirt to whomever she decides to tell, whether at the church, her friends, or anyone who will listen. My dilema, this is driving me nuts. How do you cope with all of this stress? How do you deal with the gnawing feeling that you get when you think about it? I know about leaning on God, and I do. I am trying to stay on the high road for my kids, but there are days I really just want to blow the whole thing up in her face, and watch the mayhem insue. I want to contact his wife, and let her know what is going on. I mean, they have kids, too. How do you cope? I am going to start school in the fall, so I know that it will help me to stay busy. I hope that some of you out there have been where I am, and can give me some advice.

God bless you all.

5kidsdad

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It seems like you know what the right thing to do is. Tell his wife. By not doing so you are helping him be with your wife. Why would you do that? Don't give an inch willingly against evil. Fight such things with every ounce of intelligence, wisdom, and tenacity in you. If you fight like that you will either win the battle or go down knowing you did your best. Being a Christian doesn't mean we sit around and pray for bread to fall out of the sky to feed us. We lift what we can and count on God to do the rest. Lift the phone and make the call; or better yet, visit his wife at her work. Tell her what's going on and leave a picture of your family with her.

I would tell the wife.

A long long time ago when I went through my divorce - I took the "moral high ground" and let her walk around talking smack about me - and did not respond in kind. Looking back on it - if I had it to do all over again - I wouldn't do the same. I don't find any comfort in having gone through that nonsense back then. You'd think that being so far removed from it - and no longer involved - that I'd be proud of that decision.

Ya know what - I'm not. lol

My not telling anyone my side of the story at the time - while seemingly "noble" - changed nothing. All of my worrying about her family - and their relationships - it really meant nothing. They found out anyway - it didn't ruin their family dynamic - and my whole "well at least they didn't find out from me" was for nothing.

Tell the wife. She ought to know if her husband is screwing around on her. Then grant your wife the divorce - and be done with it.

I agree. Tell the wife. She's entitled to know. She needs to know the real state of her marriage. Wouldn't you want the truth, if you were in her position?

You might also consider asking an attorney to notify your wife, on his official letterhead, that she should cease and desist slandering you, or face the possibility of a lawsuit. This isn't mean or unChristian. This is holding her accountable for her behavior (in a tough-love way), as well as looking out for your children's best interests. It's traumatic for your kids to listen to their dad being run down this way. For their sake, take action.

I say go tell the wife, bring evidence with you. Then go get yourself a hard nose divorce attorney and make your ex-wife's life a living hell using the courts. If the situation is as presented there's no reason why you shouldn't end up with the lion's share of the assets and the kids.

Depends on where he lives, actually. If he lives in a no-fault state (like California - and a lot of other states) - then none of that actually matters when it comes to finances. Child custody - maybe - but definitely not the disbursement of the assets.

Telling his wife is the cowards way out...sorry but it is true.

Tell him directly to leave your wife alone...your self.

He knows what he has done and is doing is wrong...if he has done something wrong.

He can yell and scream at you and be all mad and what have you...but he still knows what he is doing is wrong. And where what he has done isn't criminal...evidense of a relationship between the two of them is tortous...meaning that you can sue him and win if he has done anything with your wife...let him explain everything to his wife...and when finally in court it becomes apparent that he has lied to her...well...whatever financial life that he had will be over.

Your wife spreading lies about you? well...take it from someone who has had plenty of falsehoods told about him...Those that believe them were never your friends to start with...or to end with for that matter. IN the meantime you need to get your wife to stop by reminding her that even though she may not think highly of you she needs to be mindful of the children's feelings...they do love you...you are their daddy. And they won't and can't understand what she is doing or why. She is only hurting them and not you...in the end they will leave her out of fear that she will do to them as she has done to you. (witnessed several times over the years)

You can either happen to life or let life happen to you...all up to you...you can cower in the corner and let them run over you or you can stand up for what is right...your children need a father that is willing to fight for them and fair treatment of them.

You don't belong to yourself...and you won't be the only loser if you choose not to fight in this situation...your children will be the biggest losers only because you chose not to fight. Winning? There is no winning in this situation...everyone loses here...but your children don't have to lose more than you...which is exactly what will happen if you don't act immediately.

I disagree about the telling of the wife.

If his wife has separated from him - and is in the process of filing for divorce - then he no longer has any claim over his wife and has no moral ground from which to tell anyone not to "date" his wife. For all intents and purposes - now that they are separated/getting a divorce - she's single. He has no right to monogamy anymore.

The other wife - however - does.

10-4 on the slander. My state was a no-fault state and my ex was physically abusive, mentally ill, and had multiple affairs. He was in court for physical abuse but that didn't make any difference in our divorce. Guess who he blamed VOCALLY for our break-up? (Hint: it wasn't him ).

I took a tactic that I can look back on with pride and feel like I did the right and godly thing. I did not lay there and let him use me as a blame rug, nor did I drag his name through the gutter like he tried to do with mine. Where it was an obvious and glaring lie, I did not try to prove to others that it was but just let MY life and HIS life speak for themselves. However, when someone came to me and/or asked for the truth, I did tell it to them as concisely and honestly as I could.

I'll be blunt. He had physical affairs with several women (meeting in person) and cyber affairs with MANY (via web cam sex) and knowing that he was behaving in that way, he still went to some of the people we did business with, friends, and his family and said I was abusing him and screaming all the time... Well, there were times when I *DID* scream I admit it! Like when I got the proof of registering with another woman at a hotel! Yep I screamed then. I guess he forgot WHY I screamed... Anyway, my point is that at first I was tempted to go to the business people and friends and tell them my side, but then I realized that just meant I was still having my chain yanked by him and I was still entangled in his mess!

What I decided was that if someone just randomly "believed" him and never came to speak to me about it, they were never really my friend anyway. And if they did come and ask, I didn't slander his name like he did mine but rather tell the truth and then say that I would ask them to just reserve judgment and see how he treated them and how I treated them.

Most importantly though, with my kids and with my family and his family...I did not make a point of "tit for tat" putting the kids in an position of listening to their parents talk trash about each other. For a while I wanted to stand up before the whole shul (Jewish synagogue) and say, "Come on people! My husband is running around with other women! Don't listen to his lies. Be smart, put two and two together and tell him he's wrong for cheating!!" but I didn't. What I also didn't do though was hide it. In the course of human events, as kids say stuff like, "Oh, Dad's GF said this or that was fun and she took us shopping..." I'd say, "You do understand that moms and dads are supposed to love each other only right? And that means we promise to have no more GF's and BF's" and they would get a little sad and say "Yeah". Or if his brother called to say "Hey can I speak with XXX?" I'd say, "I'm sorry he has moved out so he can live with his GF and he didn't tell me where he is." Then when he would try to say I was embarrassing him telling his family lies (blah blah) I would say that it wasn't my speaking the truth but his behavior and choices that were embarrassing him.

Finally, I do encourage exposure of an affair. A lot of people think they will save their spouse's dignity or keep the kids from being hurt, and guess what? That's just plain not true. Part of what makes an affair flourish is the secrecy and exhilaration of keeping it hidden. When it is finally brought to the light of day, and both affair partners have to face the consequences of the choices they've made, a lot of times the affair dies under the strain. Exposure does not mean taking out a full page ad in your town newspaper--it just means being open and telling folks who COULD make a difference: the pastor, her family, your family, the other man's wife, friends who are pro-marriage. Often a person gets into an affair by having "so-called friends" around them who will help them hide it or give them a place to rendevous or tell your spouse how awful you are. Obviously exposing to them would seem like you're the "bad guy" and if you don't keep the little secret and do go tell her family or employer that their company funds are being used to foster unwanted sexual advances from another employee, you can bet your bonnet she's gonna be MAD!! But it is HER CHOICES, not your exposure, that makes life hard for her. Remember that okay?


~Faithful

5kidsdad said:

Well, the weekend has come and gone, and nothing changed. In some respects, it has gotten worse. She is now "dissing" me on other forums, to her friends, and to my church family, not that it bothers me. The Lord knows the truth, and it will set me free. She and her family have met with the pastor, and I will find out tomorrow what was said. To me, over the phone, she is fine. To my face, there is little response. I must initiate everything. She is now accusing me of emotionaland verbal abuse. I looked at it, I think that I may have been a victim myself. I am still in holding pattern, as I feel that there is a change coming in her relationship with the other man. Not that I am looking to reconsile, but I feel that I migh be able to move to a better point to negotiate from. That is why I have been slow to move. It is all about the safety of my kids, and their well being. I would appreciate your continued prayers for my kids and I as I try to move forward, and look to protect my kids as best I can.

Thanks, and God Bless!

5kidsdad

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Bitter medicine coming right up...

People who have been in your position have unanimously advised you to tell the man's wife. Maybe if you stopped focusing on how you feel and what you want you will see that going beyond yourself is the key to unlocking the solution to your problem.

If this guy has a family he is probably using your wife as fun. Your wife probably feels like he loves her and is trying to leave his family. If his wife finds out this will blow up in his face and he will have to choose between being with his family or being with your wife. Odds are your wife will be left alone and will have to cry one someone, other than his, shoulders.

Man wasn't meant to sit around when action is required. Cows do that. Men don't.

I agree with Autumnleaf.

You're focusing too much on how you feel, and what your wife is experiencing. There's a third (and forth) part in that as well. There's the other guy - his wife - and their perspectives.

I also agree with him that most likely your (soon to be ex) wife probably has been going through this believing that he is unhappy and is also in the process of leaving his wife. That very well might not be the the case. More realistically - he probably saw your wife as vulnerable and took advantage of the situation. Guys who have affairs rarely leave their wives for the "other woman" - and honestly - even more rarely leave the wife if the other woman has five kids. Most likely - the affair (from his perspective) has run it's course and he got out of it what he wanted to.

Now this is just me - but I certainly wouldn't let things be. I'd let the other wife know. Not only will it feel good - but it's also the right thing to do all things considered.

How old are the kids, btw?

What do the older ones think about the whole situation?

At 13, and maybe 11, you're getting old enough to grasp the concept of fidelity (and consequently infidelity). My wife - for instance - went through that. Her mom was unfaithful to her dad...and she was about the same age when she found out.

She grew to hate her mom for quite some time as a result of it.

Do the older ones have any grasp of what's going on?

subscribing to post tonight....I went thru this and my ex continues to "trash" me after 24years. I will post my experiences tonight so that maybe what I went thru can help you decide which actions to take. praying for you.

My daughter was only a year old when my ex and I divorced for the second time. We had married and divorced twice. I thought he had grown up but he didn't. All through the years he drank and trashed me to his parents, our daughter and to his friends. I did my best to not talk badly about him in front of my daughter. I wanted her to form her own opinion of him. She did....she wants nothing to do with him. She saw him for his true self. Before his parents passed they realized that they had judged me wrong and tried to get my ex to see the error of his ways. His sisters also now see my side of things.

My ex and his brother destroyed a relationship that my daughter could have had with him, his brother and his family. It is really sad.

I took some counseling sessions and talked one on one with a professional therapist to get my head together after the divorce. It was a really good investment of my time and money.