How do you be friends first?

[iwillxa100]

In the case of being interested in someone you don't know well: I understand the concept of getting to know this someone as a friend before entertaining any romantic ideas. What I don't know is: How do you be friends first when you already desire to be more than friends? And, is this "friends first" stage really a "trying to learn if we are compatible" stage?

Furthermore, in the case that the person you are interested in does not already talk with you frequently, should you (a) try to forget about him/her, (b) drop hints, (c) directly ask him/her to lunch or something (initiate friend activities), or (d) ???? ? What's appropriate? Any advice, insights, experiences, Bible stories or verses to show me how to act in such a situation?

I've been trying to ignore my feelings of interest in a particular guy but, honestly, they keep popping up and I've been wondering if I should put effort into getting to know more about him in order to see if there is something that reinforces or reduces my interest in him. Normally I wait for the guy... I'm friendly in general, but slow to build close friendships / relationships (could probably tell how slow I am by now!)... I'm trying to resolve my feelings....

Very good question. And really I don't know the answer.

Maybe God wants us to meet friends of the opposite gender that we aren't attracted to, and to just hang out with them as friends. Then maybe later we might become attracted to them, and then it'd be fine to date them, because it happened naturally (without attraction being involved at first)

Does that make sense?

 

[iwillxa100]

krstg
Nearly 4 years ago, God gave me the two best gifts ever. Salvation and a great friend. OK so I wasn't think about Graig as a friend at the time. I took one look at his broad shoulders and said "I want that one."
NOw I am notorious for wearing my heart on my sleeve and everyone soon figured out that I had it big time for Graig. We were coming back from a baseball game and he turned down the radio and "talked" to me. You know the worst words in the English language are "we need to talk." He proceded to tell me all about how he really valued our friendship but there was nothing more there. He knew I had been hurt and used by many guys and he refused to add himself to that list.
Needless to say I was crushed. We pretty much avoided each other for about a month. During that time, I sucked it up so to speak. I cared SO much for Graig that if friends was all I could get friends was what I would have. So I sat him down and had a talk. I said basically that we were being big idiots for avoiding each other over one stupid uncomfortable moment and we were even bigger idiots to waste the wonderful friendship we could have.
Evidently that's the same night he decided to marry me. In our avoidance of each other, he missed me. Then he found himself getting ticked off everytime his roommate mention how pretty I was. Or funny. Or smart. Or the many things his roommate was infatuated with at the time. He did some thinking and praying and realized that he did have feelings for me. He was just waiting for God to tell him I could handle being pursued (I was a baby christian coming out of a very promiscous past). Evidently my putting our friendship above my feelings sealed the deal for him.
Graig pursued me very slowly (at least by our churche's standards where people tend to move fast). We had this talk in August and he didn't formally ask me to date until February (dating in our circle pretty much means "hey will you marry me next year?). I was totally blown away. I had somehow missed his pursuit of me.
We dated for a year, then were engaged for 3 months and have been married for a year and a half and our expecting our first baby.

Now to answer how... Friendship, in my opinion is ABSOLUTELY necessary. I wasn't playing any game when I decided to be Graig's friend and I promise you there were days that it nearly broke my heart. He is a sweet funny good looking man and new women to church always seemed to flirt with him. I prayed for Graig every single day. Never once did I specifically pray for him to be mine (though I don't necessarliy think it is totally wrong to). Everyday I prayed that if God did want Graig to be for me that He would mold ME into the woman for Graig. I then prayed that if it was not to be that God would bring a wonderful woman into Graig's life. One who could share his interests his joys and his tears. I prayed that God help us be friends and brothers and sisters in Christ and to make all decisions about each other according to God's will. None of this was ever easy.
I think that there is a difference between ignoring our feelings and not running on them I was always WELL aware of my feelings for Graig but I didn't let them determine my actions towards him. I NEVER touched him. It seems like such a silly thing but I never ever touched that boy. No hugs no casual brushes no nothing. Never even shook his hand. I never initiated any alone time with him. There were times when were were alone like if he drove me home (I didn't have a car) or if we went for pizza or something. But I never initiated it.
Now this story is cute and romantic and all butwhere we are now would be totally useless if we didn't continue to mold our friendship. We love watching sports together and just hanging out as bud. We are ridiculously competive. We compete over anything!
I hope this helps.

I read your post, and I honestly think that you would do a very good job of writing a book similar to the one that Joshua Harris wrote, called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye".

Yeah, you do have to definately be friends with your partner in order to have a happy marriage with them, so I think that is really cool that you two didn't touch each other before you were married, because that is the best way to figure out whether you two make good friends with each other or not.

You have been blessed and should be very thankful. God doesn't give good gifts like these to everyone.

It's rough just being friends with someone that you have feelings for. Rough not only on your part, but on the relationship as a whole, since there is always that added tension.
I couldnt picture myself being able to hang out with girls that I am attracted to. To me, it would feel too much like dating, and it would be hard not to flirt with them.
I'm not sure how one hangs out with someone that they are attracted to, especially when that person is not attracted in return to you. It seems like it would be rather difficult to call up a person and ask them to hang out, without them wondering if you were trying to move in on them. seems very difficult.
So I dont know how I would replicate what happened to you, in my life, lol.

I'm also surprised about how early he decided that he wanted to marry you, but I'm glad to hear that its working out well.

 

[krstg]

Very good question. And really I don't know the answer.

Maybe God wants us to meet friends of the opposite gender that we aren't attracted to, and to just hang out with them as friends. Then maybe later we might become attracted to them, and then it'd be fine to date them, because it happened naturally (without attraction being involved at first)

Does that make sense?

That possibility makes sense.

I am like you where it is tough to hang out with someone you are attracted to. I can picture myself hanging out with them, but there is a danger of giving away too much too fast, my heart included. I worry about being taken advantage of if they can tell that I like them. So I have to be careful. If there is no attraction, I simply don't worry about this. You hang out with the person and that's that.

I don't know if the senario you proposed above will ever happen to me, though... of course, only God knows.

 

[JPPT1974]

Trying to be careful with your circumstances as well as being cautious about the person or people involved.

 

[EmSchmem]

I read your post, and I honestly think that you would do a very good job of writing a book similar to the one that Joshua Harris wrote, called "I Kissed Dating Goodbye".

Yeah, you do have to definately be friends with your partner in order to have a happy marriage with them, so I think that is really cool that you two didn't touch each other before you were married, because that is the best way to figure out whether you two make good friends with each other or not.

You have been blessed and should be very thankful. God doesn't give good gifts like these to everyone.

It's rough just being friends with someone that you have feelings for. Rough not only on your part, but on the relationship as a whole, since there is always that added tension.
I couldnt picture myself being able to hang out with girls that I am attracted to. To me, it would feel too much like dating, and it would be hard not to flirt with them.
I'm not sure how one hangs out with someone that they are attracted to, especially when that person is not attracted in return to you. It seems like it would be rather difficult to call up a person and ask them to hang out, without them wondering if you were trying to move in on them. seems very difficult.
So I dont know how I would replicate what happened to you, in my life, lol.

I'm also surprised about how early he decided that he wanted to marry you, but I'm glad to hear that its working out well.

He is a great guy. I can honestly say that the only reason I could hang with him and not flirt or move in was ALL GOD! I know exactly how cliche that shounds but it was so true. I had been a Christian less than a year and was not in the least bit sanctified. It just kind of happened that way.
The thoughts that I did keep in my head were....
Every time I pursued a man I was always insecure, did he like me or just the attention?
If Graig weren't for me I really WOULD be ruining a friendship.
If Graig weren't for me, there would be one more guy to add to my list to take into a future marriage.
If Graig were for me, I wanted our relationship to be pure. I think I was misunderstood when I said I never touched him, that was before we were dating. After we dated I let him make the moves. We didn't do anything but kiss, hold hads, and hug. No passioante make out sessions, no alone in houses or parked cars. We were very careful. The best moment of my life was my wedding night and all of my promoscuity was washed away and I was new for my husband.
I don't believe that we women should pursue men. Neither do I think we should avoid them and totally sit around and wait. If the OP is interested in developing a friendship then more power to her. To be JUST friends, we have to keep a good perspective. We have to not only guard our own hearts, but the hearts of those we care for and are interested in. As hard as it can be to wait, of God intends to let us be with a certain person, then we will have plenty of time to be with them and we can wait on the right timing.

 

[infantyouthpastor]

This....this is a really good thread.

 

[JPPT1974]

Yeah this is a great thread. People also as well need to be friends first in order to see what the person is really like. Both you and that person. And if God wants you to pursue the relationship with that person, that is according to his plans and will.