How do I tell her I quit, its over.

[Autumnleaf]

Thank you to those who have replied. Blindsiding her will not happen because of your influence.

 

[GraceDriven]

It has been a long while since I have been here. I want to say that I know it's hard when we feel like we have no more to give.
I was on these forums when I was going thru the contemplation of divorce and then finally divorcing. I have to say .... there are times that I regret the decisions I have made that led up to it. I have to say that I have a lot of regrets. I am remarried now. I love my husband, it's nothing like the love I had in my first marriage. My second marriage is much harder then my first. Not sure why. Sometimes I think it's just the consequences of divorce and becoming cynical, and un-trusting that contributes to how my second marriage is. I have been re married for almost 4 years. My first marriage was 20 years. Thing's do not change or get better when we divorce. Things get..harder. I don't pretend to know your situation or why but I truly believe that divorce should only be in the case of infidelity or physical abuse. That to me show's that someone has left the marriage. But even then I know God can transform and reform a person and a marriage. I struggle a lot in my second marriage. We argue..we disagree too often, more than I would like. There are things my husband does not do to help me in the home..there are times where I feel like I have made a mistake in getting re married. It is a long list of things. I love my husband, I really do. But there are times when walking away looks good. I wont, but him and I are just often on two different planes in life. He values things that I don't and vice versa. We are not on the same page spiritually. I realize though, that I have to do what God commands me and it is to love my spouse even when I don't want to or have a hard time doing so. I pray daily for him, even when I don't want to. I really hope you consider this long and hard. Seek biblical counsel. Divorce literally destroys hearts. There will be a time, where you might think..I should have done this or that...and it will be too late. You cannot work on your marriage if you are divorced. Believe me, divorce is terrible, but I cannot believe how easy it would be to do it a second time. That fact scares me!

Did you seek counseling before you got married to the second? Not a judgment statement.

 

[GraceDriven]

I'm going to file for divorce on Monday. Its been a long hard long meh hard road. Its time to end it. Its time for it to be done. I'm off Sunday and monday. What is the socially acceptable way to say I am so done with you that the angels will sing to the repose of the dessicated corpse of our marriage that I have been doing CPR on for years?

So what happened?

 

[dayknee]

Did you seek counseling before you got married to the second? Not a judgment statement.[/QUOTE

No, I did not. And that was probably a huge mistake. I mean, I took counsel from my father, but ultimately did not listen. My parents supported me, they love my husband. They know I love him as well. I am just saying that mistakes were made going into the second marriage and going in with my eyes more or less, closed. I am committed to my husband and my marriage as he is to me. We just struggle with....different ways of life and living. I am not the example to follow to be sure. But I do believe that in a marriage we must try absolutely everything we can possibly due to save it. I am saying this because I am not so sure that I did. There are regrets. God designed marriage to be until death. I take that seriously. I have learned a lot in my second marriage about commitment and learning how to love my spouse even when I feel he is unlovable.

 

[Teslafied]

Please watch the movie fireproof and read the love dare.

Also the vows you took should mean something to you, you entered into a covenant with not just your wife but you entered in with God as well.

God hates divorce, divorce is only warranted because of the hardness of mans heart because men don't forgive quite like God.

Has she committed abuse? Has she committed adultery? Has she abandoned you? If so then well of course you can go ahead and divorce her, but instead why don't you forgive her? The bible says the husband is supposed to love the wife like Jesus loves the Church.

I know you are your own boss, and I know the world will say let her go, but God says forgive.

I've been where you are to an extent, I've been unhappy in my marriage as well... We argue almost daily, there's things I wish he'd do different or things I wish he'd say but I've begun to realize a thing or two... I've realized that love covers a multitude of sins, love conquers all, and I took the vow for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Of course I can't see a future without him, sure sometimes I want to strangle him (just kidding), but I love him so much that I can't imagine ever being with anyone else but him.

I can't say I know what's going on in your case but I can say it does get better, pray, trust in God, and again consider reading the love dare and when you're finished read it again that's what I plan to do. Love is not something you sling around, it's not just a word, it's a verb it's what you do. Many enter into marriage for selfish reasons; sex, money, loneliness, Yada Yada but they go in not realizing that it's a long road that can be grueling, it's a true commitment not to be taken lightly.

Deep down you love your wife, just like I love my husband. Again my husband has made me mad, he's broken things that mattered to me, and he's said and done really hurtful things... There was times I felt that I was falling out of love with him and I even consider divorce, but again I've done bad things too. If God can forgive me for the times I've thrown things or done terrible things then why can't I forgive? I'm not excusing the bad my husband has done, but I'm saying that no matter what he's done I still love him and our marriage is worth fighting for.

So forgive your wife, stop and think before you do anything rash in anger. Speak kind words over her, take time to pray for her, fall in love with her over again. Do something fun. Maybe you've let life turn you hard, it's time to love again. Consider taking her out to dinner at a fancy place, or take her on a stroll and have a picnic. Take time to read her scripture. All those things may seem little but when you take the time out of your day to do these things it will make a difference.

Loving kindness leads us to repentance, she will see that no matter what you still love her and eventually things will change. Usually the first 5-10 years are the hardest in any marriage, but if you're both seated in Christ it will work out.

Everyone argues, no marriage is perfect, if someone says they don't argue they are fibbing. Should we argue? Probably not but we will that's life , but the goal is to try not to remain angry, and if we do try not to sin against our spouses. Even if we do get angry and sin thank God for His mercy.

I would suggest reading the love dare, watching fireproof, spend alone time together, confess your faults one to another, pray for each other, consider renewing your vows, and make sure to extend grace daily.

 

[akmom]

I think marriage is sacred, even if you don't get along, even if you can't be close, and even if you must modify your routines and boundaries to avoid catastrophe. I think there is still some value in loyalty and companionship. I can think of few situations in which the official step of divorce remedies anything... all that is wrong will still be wrong, won't it?

But if you file for divorce, I think the best thing you can do is make arrangements that are fair and realistic for both of you. If she will need to move, make sure she has time and a security deposit for a new place. If she doesn't have an income, make sure she has time to find a job or offer a livable allowance for a reasonable amount of time so she can get started. Don't insist on keeping shared possessions just because you can; let her take the things that are primarily hers or that she primarily uses or depends on. Make sure she leaves with a running vehicle to use. Genuinely try to give both of you a fair start, rather than giving her as little as possible, even if the courts favor you. Starting over is always hard; starting over with little means is harder. Offer to go through your divorce with a mediator rather than lawyers; a licensed mediator can draft up your agreement without ever going to court, except to have a judge rubber-stamp it, and it is immensely cheaper and boasts higher satisfaction rates. If you've decided to divorce, there is no longer any reason to criticize or voice your grievances. So resist the urge to show your temper or justify yourself, and instead work on meeting each other's needs in terms of starting over.