How do I show my fiance that God is the answer to what he is seeking?

[Beautitudine]

I have been with my fiance for over four years now. To say it has been a bumpy road would be an understatement. He has dealt with a lot of mental struggles from *extreme* depression and anxiety and what some may even describe as a personality disorder. Many people question why I choose to stay with him especially in the beginning of our relationship as he was verbally and at times physically abusive. Christians told me God does not call for us to be hurt and therefore I must be going against His will by choosing to be with such a man. It's really hard to describe but I've always felt like I was meant to be with my fiance. It was not just blind love that made me stay with him, but I felt like there was something special about him.

Don't ask me how I know but God has called me to save him. This isn't one of those stories where it's a girl who always has to have a "project" either. I have always been a strong individual. I have no problem with doing what is good for me or walking away from a situation if I felt I needed to.

My fiance is a very passionate and loyal person. I've never met anyone like it. From very early on in our relationship I thought if I could find some way to bring this man to God, he would be one of the most devout Christians I've ever seen. Knowing him as well as I do, he has never been one to just dip his toes in the water. He dives in head first and once he becomes passionate about something, he never let's it go. I can see all these wonderful attributes being applied to the Kingdom of God and it makes me feel so giddy inside.

I feel like God has brought me into this man's life to show him a glimpse of His perfect love. I know it's working because the longer he knows me, the more I see my fiance grow. He has come so far from where he was when I met him and I am so proud of the leaps he has made as a person .

Recently I've felt like God has been telling me now is the time to start pushing him a little harder in God's direction though. I didn't push Christianity or church or The Bible too hard on him for so long because he had some traumatic experience's with being forced for a while as a child and the death of his grandma who was the biggest believer he knew passed away shortly before we met. These things have made him bitter towards God and he's not sure if he even believes, though he's said before he wants to believe in something. He has a hole in his life, he knows he does. But what I know is this void can only be filled with God's love and grace.

Now you have a long back story, here's my questions. What is my next step? How do I start pushing him in the right direction without overwhelming him? I don't want to be too forceful so that it may leave a bad taste in his mouth and he may never try to seek God again. How do I move forward? This is honestly terrifying because I'm worried years of work could go down the drain or maybe I was wrong all along and I may finally have to walk away. I'm trying to leave all my worries with the one that holds my world in His hands and trying to trust in the plan he has laid out for me.

Please, I could use all the advice and prayers I can get!

 

[Paidiske]

Do you have a date set for the wedding? Will it be a church wedding? And would marriage preparation with the minister perhaps be a useful next step?

 

[Beautitudine]

Do you have a date set for the wedding? Will it be a church wedding? And would marriage preparation with the minister perhaps be a useful next step?

We do not have a date set or any plans yet really. I do wish to do something like that with him once we do have concrete plans though and I have told him if he wants to marry me it must be a church wedding officiated by a man/woman of God. I dont think he was necessarily happy by this notion but he said he loves me and if that will make me happy he will do it. We did go to Christian counseling a couple time last year that did turn out to be a positive experience but for some reason he seems so intimidated by talking to a pastor.

 

[blackribbon]

God doesn't call you to save anyone. Only He can save someone. Wait until your fiance does find God to marry him or you realize that your duty as a Christian wife is to submit to him...which means if he says "no church" then you are to honor that....a very good reason to not get unequally yoked and marry a non-Christian. And if you are trusting God to save him, then you really can't really screw up. Show him God through your life...but don't marry him until he chooses God. Not just to please you but because he really realizes that he needs God.

 

[mmksparbud]

The next step is for you to decide if you will be following God or this man.
2Co_6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?

How can he believe in a God that you will not obey? I made that mistake-- followed the man and married him--28 years of hell followed, till he died. We can not save anyone, we are to live our lives for God and proclaim His word--only the Holy Spirit can convict. Get out of the way and let God do His thing with this man, your job is to show Him the Lord and pray for him, not to marry him nor to have relations with him outside of marriage.

 

[Sketcher]

You haven't given us any of his reasons for not believing, or any of the questions he has that are faith-related. Finding those out would be a good first step.

 

[Kerensa]

I'm not speaking from direct experience, friend, but reading what you've written, there's something that rings alarm bells with me. It's wonderful that you can see the positive changes in your fiance's life and that your relationship is helping him to grow and to be a better person. But neither you nor anyone else can "bring" him to God. If he decides to become a Christian, that needs to be his own sincere choice with his whole heart — it's between him and God alone. It's not something you personally can persuade him into and it's definitely not a choice he should feel pushed into because it would make you happy.

It's obvious how much you love this man, but one thing I know is that it is NOT wise to go into a marriage with the thought of changing the other person, or wanting the other person to change. Would you still be just as prepared to be his wife and be by his side for the rest of your life and his, to support him and love him unconditionally for who he is, if he DOESN'T ever become a Christian (which may well end up being the case)? Because if not, that really would not be a good marriage, either for you or for him.

By all means stay friends with him and love him and pray for him and keep showing him by example what God's love can do. But that's all you can do — it is not your job to save him. Only God can bring him (or anyone!) to see truly that "God is the answer".

 

[Lost4words]

God doesn't call you to save anyone. Only He can save someone. Wait until your fiance does find God to marry him or you realize that your duty as a Christian wife is to submit to him...which means if he says "no church" then you are to honor that....a very good reason to not get unequally yoked and marry a non-Christian. And if you are trusting God to save him, then you really can't really screw up. Show him God through your life...but don't marry him until he chooses God. Not just to please you but because he really realizes that he needs God.

I disagree. God can use anyone to help others. That includes bringing them close to God.

 

[SkyWriting]

I have been with my fiance for over four years now. To say it has been a bumpy road would be an understatement. He has dealt with a lot of mental struggles from *extreme* depression and anxiety and what some may even describe as a personality disorder. Many people question why I choose to stay with him especially in the beginning of our relationship as he was verbally and at times physically abusive. Christians told me God does not call for us to be hurt and therefore I must be going against His will by choosing to be with such a man. It's really hard to describe but I've always felt like I was meant to be with my fiance. It was not just blind love that made me stay with him, but I felt like there was something special about him.

Don't ask me how I know but God has called me to save him. This isn't one of those stories where it's a girl who always has to have a "project" either. I have always been a strong individual. I have no problem with doing what is good for me or walking away from a situation if I felt I needed to.

My fiance is a very passionate and loyal person. I've never met anyone like it. From very early on in our relationship I thought if I could find some way to bring this man to God, he would be one of the most devout Christians I've ever seen. Knowing him as well as I do, he has never been one to just dip his toes in the water. He dives in head first and once he becomes passionate about something, he never let's it go. I can see all these wonderful attributes being applied to the Kingdom of God and it makes me feel so giddy inside.

I feel like God has brought me into this man's life to show him a glimpse of His perfect love. I know it's working because the longer he knows me, the more I see my fiance grow. He has come so far from where he was when I met him and I am so proud of the leaps he has made as a person .

Recently I've felt like God has been telling me now is the time to start pushing him a little harder in God's direction though. I didn't push Christianity or church or The Bible too hard on him for so long because he had some traumatic experience's with being forced for a while as a child and the death of his grandma who was the biggest believer he knew passed away shortly before we met. These things have made him bitter towards God and he's not sure if he even believes, though he's said before he wants to believe in something. He has a hole in his life, he knows he does. But what I know is this void can only be filled with God's love and grace.

Now you have a long back story, here's my questions. What is my next step? How do I start pushing him in the right direction without overwhelming him? I don't want to be too forceful so that it may leave a bad taste in his mouth and he may never try to seek God again. How do I move forward? This is honestly terrifying because I'm worried years of work could go down the drain or maybe I was wrong all along and I may finally have to walk away. I'm trying to leave all my worries with the one that holds my world in His hands and trying to trust in the plan he has laid out for me.

Please, I could use all the advice and prayers I can get!

Your task is for you to seek God for all your problems. This problem included. You can't do God's work for this task. If he sees that you are worried, then why would he want to go that direction? He has enough worry. He doesn't want to be a worried Christian.

 

[SkyWriting]

You haven't given us any of his reasons for not believing, or any of the questions he has that are faith-related. Finding those out would be a good first step.

Becasue his girlfriend is full of anxiety and worry. Who would seek that?

 

[Kenny'sID]

That's a tall order, and something I'm not going to be much help on, but I'd say first and foremost, you live the life/be an example. A lot of patience, and you are in the best position to know when, where and what to do, but others may be able to help with those things.

 

[Andrew77]

I have been with my fiance for over four years now. To say it has been a bumpy road would be an understatement. He has dealt with a lot of mental struggles from *extreme* depression and anxiety and what some may even describe as a personality disorder. Many people question why I choose to stay with him especially in the beginning of our relationship as he was verbally and at times physically abusive. Christians told me God does not call for us to be hurt and therefore I must be going against His will by choosing to be with such a man. It's really hard to describe but I've always felt like I was meant to be with my fiance. It was not just blind love that made me stay with him, but I felt like there was something special about him.

Don't ask me how I know but God has called me to save him. This isn't one of those stories where it's a girl who always has to have a "project" either. I have always been a strong individual. I have no problem with doing what is good for me or walking away from a situation if I felt I needed to.

My fiance is a very passionate and loyal person. I've never met anyone like it. From very early on in our relationship I thought if I could find some way to bring this man to God, he would be one of the most devout Christians I've ever seen. Knowing him as well as I do, he has never been one to just dip his toes in the water. He dives in head first and once he becomes passionate about something, he never let's it go. I can see all these wonderful attributes being applied to the Kingdom of God and it makes me feel so giddy inside.

I feel like God has brought me into this man's life to show him a glimpse of His perfect love. I know it's working because the longer he knows me, the more I see my fiance grow. He has come so far from where he was when I met him and I am so proud of the leaps he has made as a person .

Recently I've felt like God has been telling me now is the time to start pushing him a little harder in God's direction though. I didn't push Christianity or church or The Bible too hard on him for so long because he had some traumatic experience's with being forced for a while as a child and the death of his grandma who was the biggest believer he knew passed away shortly before we met. These things have made him bitter towards God and he's not sure if he even believes, though he's said before he wants to believe in something. He has a hole in his life, he knows he does. But what I know is this void can only be filled with God's love and grace.

Now you have a long back story, here's my questions. What is my next step? How do I start pushing him in the right direction without overwhelming him? I don't want to be too forceful so that it may leave a bad taste in his mouth and he may never try to seek God again. How do I move forward? This is honestly terrifying because I'm worried years of work could go down the drain or maybe I was wrong all along and I may finally have to walk away. I'm trying to leave all my worries with the one that holds my world in His hands and trying to trust in the plan he has laid out for me.

Please, I could use all the advice and prayers I can get!

Every single time a woman who says "how can I push someone to do X", it always leads to suffering.

You can't push him to be a Christian. Have you heard the phrase "A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still"?

It means if you cause such drama that he changes his behavior to fit your desires for him to be a Christian... he will do so only so long, and then he will return to what he was.

I have seen this many times. Women push a guy to do thus-and-so, and then to stop the fighting, they do. But just as quickly, they go back to what they were before, and the home becomes a place of misery.

I agree with most of the advice given here. You are, while not intending to, putting yourself in the place of Jesus. You are asking in effect "how can I save him". and the answer is you can not. You are not a savior.

mmksparbud post, is extremely accurate. The idea that you can marry a non-christian, and love him into Heaven, is mythology of Hollywood. It is not how most people end up. I have relatives that tried to do the same. Generally good women, who got with bad men, and tried to save them. In the end, they could not, and ended up divorced.

Additionally, you have been with this guy for a year, and he has set no date to be married. If you had said nothing else, I would have told you to dump him.

Do not stay with men who don't make committed plans to marry.

So my advice is similar to the others here. It is time for you to move on. You have no business as a Christian, hanging with a non-christian man.

 

[Lost4words]

Love can conquer all. If you love him deeply then you will find a way to be happy. If he loves you as much, then he will find a way.

If it is God's will that you be instrumental in guiding your boyfriend then so be it. God works in mysterious ways. Maybe God wants you to help your boyfriend to see the light. But, you cannot be pushy. Be gentle and ask God to guide you.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

I have been with my fiance for over four years now. To say it has been a bumpy road would be an understatement. He has dealt with a lot of mental struggles from *extreme* depression and anxiety and what some may even describe as a personality disorder. Many people question why I choose to stay with him especially in the beginning of our relationship as he was verbally and at times physically abusive. Christians told me God does not call for us to be hurt and therefore I must be going against His will by choosing to be with such a man. It's really hard to describe but I've always felt like I was meant to be with my fiance. It was not just blind love that made me stay with him, but I felt like there was something special about him.

Don't ask me how I know but God has called me to save him. This isn't one of those stories where it's a girl who always has to have a "project" either. I have always been a strong individual. I have no problem with doing what is good for me or walking away from a situation if I felt I needed to.

My fiance is a very passionate and loyal person. I've never met anyone like it. From very early on in our relationship I thought if I could find some way to bring this man to God, he would be one of the most devout Christians I've ever seen. Knowing him as well as I do, he has never been one to just dip his toes in the water. He dives in head first and once he becomes passionate about something, he never let's it go. I can see all these wonderful attributes being applied to the Kingdom of God and it makes me feel so giddy inside.

I feel like God has brought me into this man's life to show him a glimpse of His perfect love. I know it's working because the longer he knows me, the more I see my fiance grow. He has come so far from where he was when I met him and I am so proud of the leaps he has made as a person .

Recently I've felt like God has been telling me now is the time to start pushing him a little harder in God's direction though. I didn't push Christianity or church or The Bible too hard on him for so long because he had some traumatic experience's with being forced for a while as a child and the death of his grandma who was the biggest believer he knew passed away shortly before we met. These things have made him bitter towards God and he's not sure if he even believes, though he's said before he wants to believe in something. He has a hole in his life, he knows he does. But what I know is this void can only be filled with God's love and grace.

Now you have a long back story, here's my questions. What is my next step? How do I start pushing him in the right direction without overwhelming him? I don't want to be too forceful so that it may leave a bad taste in his mouth and he may never try to seek God again. How do I move forward? This is honestly terrifying because I'm worried years of work could go down the drain or maybe I was wrong all along and I may finally have to walk away. I'm trying to leave all my worries with the one that holds my world in His hands and trying to trust in the plan he has laid out for me.

Please, I could use all the advice and prayers I can get!

Hi the scriptures clearly say do not be unequally yolked with an unbeliever. This puts your feelings in contradiction to Gods word. You are using mental gymnastics to rationalize your position of being engaged and committed to him. There is probably truth to the idea that if he got saved he might blossom into quite the man. You have now 4 years invested and somehow it has not happened yet.

My advice to you is that you make a choice to break up with him and clearly state the reason is your wanting to obey the word and live by the Bible. Perhaps he will react by looking into Christianity as he sees that you have made this more important than him in your life. I know my words seem cold hearted in some ways and I understand that their is a deep level of emotional commitment and love for this man. Many people develop these feelings and then they walk by their feelings and not on solid Biblical advice. If you ask your self the basic question does God want me yolked in life with an unbeliever and make it yes or no you will see that you are outside of God's will. Get back in Gods will and seek Him and perhaps your man will follow or not. Do not court him unless you see solid fruit he is born again.

 

[Beautitudine]

Thank you all for your advice and input. I really do appreciate all the feedback even if some of it is hard to swallow. That being said, I'd like to clear up some misconceptions that I feel have been extracted from my original post.

I came here for advice because I realize I'm at a cross road in our relationship. Do I choose God or this man? Well I've made up my mind already. I choose God.

To be honest, in our earlier relationship, I was not following God as I should. I lost my way for a while being a young adult living life on my own for the first time. I let worldly things enter my life and got distracted from God. But about 3 years ago I finally let God back into my heart. I was very upfront with my fiance in the beginning. Though I was not following God as I should I still knew where I stood and what I wanted in the future. I wanted a Christian lifestyle despite not knowing how to get there at the time. He knew all this and knew my struggles as a christian and how I got there. He also knew when I invited God back into my life and that was a turning point for him as well. I never preached to him or pushed him to make the changes that happened they just started happening as a result to my own personal walk with God.

One of the main things I wanted to clear up here is I the misconception that I'm putting myself in the place of Jesus and trying to save him. I don't feel as though I'm doing that. I feel that God does put people in others lives to steer them in his direction. Think of how many people would never know God if a friend, family memeber, or coworker hadn't stepped out and spoke to them about God's love or invited them to church. I know I never would have made it. I might have been headed in that direction if I hadn't posted here and read all the heartfelt replies. I'm thankful for all of them though because I now realize maybe I need to make a bigger change in myself, do something bold for God, maybe even put more focus on him and less on this relationship. Maybe God's really telling me I've done my work and it's time to step back and let Him take it from here.

I have no intention marrying this man unless God moves greatly in his life and he accepts it. I'm also preparing myself for the chance he may not accept God when he starts knocking on his heart.

The reason I've been in this relationship so long, as I said before, I felt like somehow we were meant to find each other. We moved almost equal distances from similar towns almost exactly in the middle of the two within the same month. Since knowing him I have watched many answers to prayers I remember praying when I was a teen unfold because of knowing him and being in a relationship with him. I remember being frustrated when I was younger because it seemed like he never answered my prayers but in the last 4 years he's answered nearly every one and in very crazy, unexpected ways.

I guess the only thing I can do is continue to focus on my relationship with God and leave the rest up to Him. Please keep sending me prayers as I may have to deal with a difficult decision if God says "No."

 

[blackribbon]

Hugs to you. Sometimes we are called to be in a person's life for a time. Maybe he will change. Or maybe you were the example he needed at this time to make a decision some time later in his life. Even if you have to walk away, that does not mean that you didn't light the path for a time. You may have made the difference but may not get to see the results. I will pray for you because if you do have to walk away, even if you know it is the right thing to do, it will hurt because there is no doubt you love him. Lean on Jesus...

 

[turkle]

It makes me so sad so see yet another young woman who is trying to convert an unbelieving boyfriend into a Christian. The story is always the same...he's great, he'll be a great Christian if only I can get him to see. Then, despite all the warnings of not being unequally yoked, she decides that her case is special, and it will work out according to her plan, that part of God's word doesn't apply to her situation. The vast majority of such relationships end in terrible regret and wasted time.

It is the job of the Holy Spirit to draw someone to Christ - not yours. If you think you need to push your boyfriend into anything, then you are in for some tough times ahead. I hope that your devotion to God is stronger than your desire to have this person. He is an unbeliever and he has, according to you, mental problems. You are setting yourself up for disaster if you continue.

Edit to add: just saw your response. I'm glad you are prioritizing your relationship with God. I hope you find clarity soon.

 

[Francis Drake]

God doesn't call you to save anyone. Only He can save someone. .

Don't be so pedantic, its just an expression to describe the situation. Paul even uses the same words here.

Cor7v15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him go. The believing brother or sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

They may not be married yet, but the principle is the same.

I am not endorsing her decision either way, just wanting to clarify a falsehood.

 

[blackribbon]

Don't be so pedantic, its just an expression to describe the situation. Paul even uses the same words here.

Cor7v15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him go. The believing brother or sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

They may not be married yet, but the principle is the same.

I am not endorsing her decision either way, just wanting to clarify a falsehood.

Actually, I don't think it is "pedantic" because a lot of women do believe that somehow if they do this or do that, they can't lead their BF or husband to God...however, I only believe God uses us to lead someone to him when that person is ready. We don't make them ready...we don't bring them to God...we hopefully are just living the life so that they see Christ through us and hopefully, we are open to teach when they come to us for questions (I do think the OP has her priority right and isn't this way ... but honestly, when we do love our man, all of us really do hope that we can change their hearts)

 

[Francis Drake]

Actually, I don't think it is "pedantic" because a lot of women do believe that somehow if they do this or do that, …………….

What a lot of women do is irrelevant to the scriptural principle.
You were being pedantic and you also missed the point I was making.
Like everybody does, you claimed that we cannot save anybody because God alone can do that.
Here's what you said.-

God doesn't call you to save anyone. Only He can save someone. .

And the scripture I posted that says otherwise.-
Cor7v16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

I was only commenting on your statement, not on the OP. In general, I agree that it is foolish to think that marrying an unbeliever will make him a believer.