How do I show my fiance that God is the answer to what he is seeking?

[SleepingAtLast]

Beautitudine, I really appreciate the amount of thought that you have put into the entire situation, and also how thoughtful your responses have been in the thread as well. You seem like someone who is very self-aware, and that self-awareness is a huge gift. You may already be doing this, but I would say just for your own sake to have believers in your life that you can go to for counsel as well. In the event that you would have to make some hard decisions, and in a case like this where emotions can be really complicated, it helps a lot to have people who are in your corner but can also give you wise and honest advice. I would also just briefly caution you against a "meant to be" kind of thinking. You seem to have a level-headed approach to this whole situation, and your loyalty to him is commendable, but in my opinion, seeing a relationship as "meant to be" is not all that helpful. It is cool to see, though, that you are open to accepting whatever purpose God may have for you two having been in each other's lives for this period of time.

I know your whole initial question and purpose for this thread kind of got lost in the wash, so I wanted to make sure you at least had your question addressed. To me, one of the best things any believer can do is live in a way that shows other people how beautiful and attractive a relationship with Jesus is. It seems like you have done a lot of this already, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Past that, I think the best thing you can do is just have honest, deep, spiritual conversations with him where he can share about what he thinks and feels about God and you can share what you think and feel. If he would ever be willing to listen to a sermon, I would highly recommend Matt Chandler. He is very engaging and communicates the Gospel clearly, and your fiance needs to hear the Gospel more than anything right now. Also, I know it is a lot trickier if he's not going to church, but being surrounded by Christian men his age and being able to develop relationships with them would help tremendously too.

I think you know this, but what makes all of this complicated is that you do want him to have a relationship with Jesus just for his own sake, whether you are in a relationship with him or not, but in this case him having a relationship with Jesus is also a contingency of your relationship being able to move forward. There is going to come a point where you are going to have to have a conversation, if you haven't already, where you are honest about the reality that the relationship isn't going to be able to move forward if you both aren't on the same page spiritually. The tricky part is that you don't want him to become a Christian for you, you want it to happen organically as a result of him truly seeing the beauty of a relationship with Christ. So I would say to continually be prayerful and seek wise counsel about how to toe that line. The dating/engaged relationship aspect of this really makes it a lot trickier to accomplish what you are hoping to accomplish, and it's good to be cognizant of that.

 

[aiki]

I have been with my fiance for over four years now. To say it has been a bumpy road would be an understatement. He has dealt with a lot of mental struggles from *extreme* depression and anxiety and what some may even describe as a personality disorder. Many people question why I choose to stay with him especially in the beginning of our relationship as he was verbally and at times physically abusive. Christians told me God does not call for us to be hurt and therefore I must be going against His will by choosing to be with such a man. It's really hard to describe but I've always felt like I was meant to be with my fiance. It was not just blind love that made me stay with him, but I felt like there was something special about him.

Well, your feelings about your fiancee have little to do with whether or not you should obey God. God has said very clearly in His word that if you're one of His, you should not be in an intimate relationship with a non-believer. (2 Corinthians 6:14-18) So, at the moment, you are in a state of disobedience toward your Maker. Living in disobedience to God never ends well. Even now it is, as you say, "a bumpy road."

Don't ask me how I know but God has called me to save him. This isn't one of those stories where it's a girl who always has to have a "project" either. I have always been a strong individual. I have no problem with doing what is good for me or walking away from a situation if I felt I needed to.

God did not ask you to save anyone. Only He saves people (see the bottom of this post). We just point to God and tell people the truth about Him and the rest is up to Him to do. God certainly doesn't need any of us to help a person toward salvation. He may use us or not to lead someone to Himself, but He will save who He is going to save regardless of our participation. So, no God did not ask you to save your fiancee. What's more, as I've already pointed out, such a request would go directly against His explicit command to you in His word not to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. This makes it doubly certain God did not ask you to save your fiancee.

My fiance is a very passionate and loyal person. I've never met anyone like it. From very early on in our relationship I thought if I could find some way to bring this man to God, he would be one of the most devout Christians I've ever seen. Knowing him as well as I do, he has never been one to just dip his toes in the water. He dives in head first and once he becomes passionate about something, he never let's it go. I can see all these wonderful attributes being applied to the Kingdom of God and it makes me feel so giddy inside.

Of course, as his wife, his all-in attitude would be very reassuring, wouldn't it? One wonders if this is, perhaps, also making you giddy.

I feel like God has brought me into this man's life to show him a glimpse of His perfect love.

You can do this without agreeing to marry him.

I know it's working because the longer he knows me, the more I see my fiance grow. He has come so far from where he was when I met him and I am so proud of the leaps he has made as a person .

And if he had made no leaps at all? Would you be engaged to him? If not, one wonders if you aren't making a project out of him instead of accepting him just as he is. It isn't your job to change your fiancee but God's. You will foul what God may be trying to do in him by pressing your fiancee to be the man you think he should be. He needs to be who God wants Him to be which may run quite contrary to what you might like him to be - especially if you're a strong-minded woman who'd like a malleable, dependent man to control (not saying you do, though).

Recently I've felt like God has been telling me now is the time to start pushing him a little harder in God's direction though.

Please don't. God doesn't need your help. He can - and will - draw your fiancee in His own good time and way. Your job isn't to add pressure but to pray and live before your fiancee as a godly woman - which would entail leaving off your relationship with him until such time as he is walking rightly with God.

These things have made him bitter towards God and he's not sure if he even believes, though he's said before he wants to believe in something. He has a hole in his life, he knows he does. But what I know is this void can only be filled with God's love and grace.

All very true, the things you've noted that he needs from God. And God can bring your fiancee to the place where he sees his need of God for himself, totally apart from your pressuring him to do so. In fact, you will get in God's way if you don't let Him deal with your fiancee directly without your "contributions." Pray and pray some more - though one's prayers are always hindered when one is not being obedient to God's commands (see above). This is what your fiancee needs most from you.

Now you have a long back story, here's my questions. What is my next step? How do I start pushing him in the right direction without overwhelming him?

You don't. God has commanded you to pray for the lost and to share the Gospel with them. In the matter of a person's salvation, apart from living a holy, charitable, God-centered life before them, that's all you're called to do. The rest is entirely God's domain.

2 Timothy 2:25
25 ...if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading to the knowledge of the truth,

Philippians 2:13
13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.

John 6:44
44 "No one can come to Me unless the Father who sent Me draws him...

 

[Ing Bee]

They may not be married yet, but the principle is the same.

Hi Francis-
Thank you for your comments.
Would you mind clarifying what you think Paul meant in v. 16 in relation to v. 15?

Paul's two parallel questions in v.16 follow the three related concepts of 1) not being bound to continue forcing a marriage to 2) an unbelieving spouse who decides to leave in order to 3) live in peace, Paul's question in v.16 is a rhetorical one , essentially: "You don't need to pursue an abandoning spouse because there are no guarantees that you would save them anyway". It seems a better fit in the context that Paul is relieving the believing spouse of the responsibility to force the marriage to continue out of fear that they will be "giving up" on the salvation of their unbelieving marriage partner.

A quick look at the rate of parallel bible translations on Biblehub will show that the majority do not imply that "you might save him/her" is in view; the prevailing The ones that do are paraphrases (e.g. The New Living Translation) or miss the next sentence which sets aside the foregoing discussion to establish a general point: "that aside, everyone should stay in the station in life that they were when they came to faith".

If this interpretation of the passage is correct, Paul is calming an anxiety, not urging renewed efforts to "save" the spouse.

What do you think?

 

[Francis Drake]

Hi Francis-
Thank you for your comments.
Would you mind clarifying what you think Paul meant in v. 16 in relation to v. 15?

Paul's two parallel questions in v.16 follow the three related concepts of 1) not being bound to continue forcing a marriage to 2) an unbelieving spouse who decides to leave in order to 3) live in peace, Paul's question in v.16 is a rhetorical one , essentially: "You don't need to pursue an abandoning spouse because there are no guarantees that you would save them anyway". It seems a better fit in the context that Paul is relieving the believing spouse of the responsibility to force the marriage to continue out of fear that they will be "giving up" on the salvation of their unbelieving marriage partner.

A quick look at the rate of parallel bible translations on Biblehub will show that the majority do not imply that "you might save him/her" is in view; the prevailing The ones that do are paraphrases (e.g. The New Living Translation) or miss the next sentence which sets aside the foregoing discussion to establish a general point: "that aside, everyone should stay in the station in life that they were when they came to faith".

If this interpretation of the passage is correct, Paul is calming an anxiety, not urging renewed efforts to "save" the spouse.

What do you think?

I believe the overview of the whole passage makes Paul's intention clear.

1Cor7v12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him.
ie. If the unbeliever is happy, don't get divorced.

14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified (set apart) through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy (set apart).
This is an interesting verse. The unbeliever is sanctified by the believer!

I suspect most people gloss over that verse because it appears to contradict all salvation teaching. ie. There are no second hand Christians.

However Paul is not talking about eternal things here, but earthly things.
Simply because of the believer the unbelieving spouse, and unbelieving children are counted as being set apart by God.
That simply means the protection and benevolence of God, because of the faith of the believer, extends to everyone under that roof.

In light of the above verses, I do not believe that Paul is being rhetorical in the following verses. I believe he is raising the possibility of the spouse later becoming a believer.
Cor7v15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him go. The believing brother or sister is not bound in such cases. God has called you to live in peace. 16How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

One of the things we see throughout scripture is God's condemnation of divorce. This is no mere legalism, but because of the devastating hardship and damage it inflicts on women and children.

When only one half of a marriage gets saved, God's care for widows and orphans does not change. Thus love and mercy and patience is encouraged by Paul towards the unbelieving spouse.

 

[Swan7]

Now you have a long back story, here's my questions. What is my next step? How do I start pushing him in the right direction without overwhelming him? I don't want to be too forceful so that it may leave a bad taste in his mouth and he may never try to seek God again. How do I move forward? This is honestly terrifying because I'm worried years of work could go down the drain or maybe I was wrong all along and I may finally have to walk away. I'm trying to leave all my worries with the one that holds my world in His hands and trying to trust in the plan he has laid out for me.

Have you ever seen the movie War Room? It is an excellent perception of how we are to be when issues arise in our situations either at home or anywhere. Yes, it is a Christian movie and the best one I've seen yet. This movie also motivated me once-upon-a-time ago. I saw the fire of passion for God in this movie, not to mention this movie faced MUCH warfare from not being produced! Thank God He allowed it!

God had me pray for a man I never met for a year. Even though I did not want to (because I came to the realization that I don't need a husband, but God Himself), He pressed it upon my heart even more to pray for this "mystery man". Now why did God have this set on my heart? Because at that time when I was praying for him, he was struggling a lot with himself and what God wanted for him. I laugh about it because God would wake me up in the middle of the night just to pray for him. I'm glad I listened because on November 1, 2018 I married this man. God introduced us when he was on better ground with God, as well as with myself to be ready for such an amazing relationship! God is truly amazing!

I pray that God does something similar in your life and his before you two get married.

 

[UnprofitableServant]

I have been with my fiance for over four years now. To say it has been a bumpy road would be an understatement. He has dealt with a lot of mental struggles from *extreme* depression and anxiety and what some may even describe as a personality disorder. Many people question why I choose to stay with him especially in the beginning of our relationship as he was verbally and at times physically abusive. Christians told me God does not call for us to be hurt and therefore I must be going against His will by choosing to be with such a man. It's really hard to describe but I've always felt like I was meant to be with my fiance. It was not just blind love that made me stay with him, but I felt like there was something special about him.

Don't ask me how I know but God has called me to save him. This isn't one of those stories where it's a girl who always has to have a "project" either. I have always been a strong individual. I have no problem with doing what is good for me or walking away from a situation if I felt I needed to.

My fiance is a very passionate and loyal person. I've never met anyone like it. From very early on in our relationship I thought if I could find some way to bring this man to God, he would be one of the most devout Christians I've ever seen. Knowing him as well as I do, he has never been one to just dip his toes in the water. He dives in head first and once he becomes passionate about something, he never let's it go. I can see all these wonderful attributes being applied to the Kingdom of God and it makes me feel so giddy inside.

I feel like God has brought me into this man's life to show him a glimpse of His perfect love. I know it's working because the longer he knows me, the more I see my fiance grow. He has come so far from where he was when I met him and I am so proud of the leaps he has made as a person .

Recently I've felt like God has been telling me now is the time to start pushing him a little harder in God's direction though. I didn't push Christianity or church or The Bible too hard on him for so long because he had some traumatic experience's with being forced for a while as a child and the death of his grandma who was the biggest believer he knew passed away shortly before we met. These things have made him bitter towards God and he's not sure if he even believes, though he's said before he wants to believe in something. He has a hole in his life, he knows he does. But what I know is this void can only be filled with God's love and grace.

Now you have a long back story, here's my questions. What is my next step? How do I start pushing him in the right direction without overwhelming him? I don't want to be too forceful so that it may leave a bad taste in his mouth and he may never try to seek God again. How do I move forward? This is honestly terrifying because I'm worried years of work could go down the drain or maybe I was wrong all along and I may finally have to walk away. I'm trying to leave all my worries with the one that holds my world in His hands and trying to trust in the plan he has laid out for me.

Please, I could use all the advice and prayers I can get!

The best way to show someone the Kingdom of Heaven is to be the example.

Your actions will speak louder that any words you can say to convince your fiance. If you get busy focusing on what God wants you to do, then your fiance will either see the love and truth in what you're doing, or he will fight against it and tell you to stop what you're doing.

If it is the latter, then it may be that you have done all that you can and you must wipe your hand clean from this man and move on to what God wants you to do.

The main thing you have to do is talk with God and ask Him what He wants you to do. He knows best.

Peace and love,
James