How do I motivate him?

[JRSut1000]

I know I've been posting a lot about marriage both about control about love and about motivation. But I havent been very clear about my own frustrations. Ya'll know I love my husband and I do think he's a great guy. But honestly, when it comes to motivating him to pick up after himself, get semi-organized, and just help me with some of the tough chores... its just not going well.

WARNING: RANT AHEAD. The garage is a wreck and I'm too preggi to do anything about it, its been a mess for a long time and it seems I'm the only one that tries to clean out some of it or at least sweep it out. He loves gardening and he spends a lot of time with it, and he's really good at it! But he leaves his tools out and the wheelbarrow (i think I finally spelled that right!) and its just messy, same goes for that garage. It's like he doesnt care, but I really do care because a messy garage breeds bugs and I even found an old snake skin in there once. He has old plant containers that are stacked up, everything on the shelf is a mess (I've organized a few times in the last year or so). When we use our car (the one I use mostly) to go on our fun nature adventures to pick up flowers and rocks, my car ends up being a mess with dirt and sand all in the back. Oh and a huge pet peeve, he keeps walking in the house with his really filthy outdoor shoes on (I know I've covered this one before) and he told me he'd clean up the floor and I ended up doing it cuz it just doesnt seem to get done if I dont. Not going to let the floor stay filthy while I have a toddler. Speaking of the toddler, many of you know that feeding her has always been an issue and I feel it's been mostly on me (obviously BFing is on mama, but that stopped at 8 mo) and when I try to get him to do it, he rarely does. And when he does, if she doesnt do well he just stops and says 'shes not hungry'. Or like tonight, I asked him to give her her favorite snack, so he sits her in her highchair (with no bib and her good clothes on) and opens the Snack Pack (its like red jello, but its fruit and kosher) and gives her a spoon. I was on the phone at the time and I hear him yelling at her in the other room, I go in to see whats the matter and shes got jello everywhere. I told him, 'duh kids need structure, cant yell at them for not knowing what to do' (we're a bit behind on using a spoon because of her feeding difficulties) and I feel bad but I told him 'thats lazy parenting!'. Of course, she stained her shirt so I had to throw it in the laundry immediately, which I dont care I guess, it happens. But I do care that he doesnt have the patience to find a way to get her to eat, its always on me to make the magic happen. Even when it comes to sleep, he takes the CIO method (which I dont agree with) or then yells at her if she doesnt sleep. Really? It takes a lot of patience to get a little one to sleep, its not gonna be perfect. It's not that he doesnt do anything or offer to help with her. Like he'll tell me to go to the store and get out of a while (cuz every mama needs some free time), but I dont stay out too long and I wonder 'well did she eat enough while I was gone?' Or he offered to take her to the park and I asked him if he had wipes or purell packed and he gave up on the idea of taking her cuz he didnt wanna bring all that. I mean, we got some weird diseases going around right now, she needs to have simple first aid even for cuts, especially at the local park. I just feel like he's been really lazy these days and just does what he wants to do. His main hobbies are his garden and computer games, its not that he does bad things. Why cant he have more initiative to just do what needs to be done? I know he and I both have a bad habit of being online too much or just wasting time, but lately I've been trying hard to keep up on the things that matter - laundry, taking coffee breaks to read the Bible, organizing little projects and such, etc. *sighs* RANT OVER.

Anyways, so yeah I'm feeling frustrated. I'm pregnant and due in a few months and I just dont know how to get him motivated in a way that makes sense to him.

 

[Puptart]

A cattle prod comes to mind (kidding.. clearly)

To be quite honest, you say you're due in a "few months" and I know plenty of pregnant people who do quite a bit when they're as pregnant as you are, and more so for that matter. We have a girl in our office who worked practically right up until the day she gave birth, including lifting things and so on and thus forth. As long as you have no health issues, being pregnant is not an excuse not to at least help with the garage clean up.. I'm sorry if that sounds offensive, it honestly isn't meant to be.

That being said you do have a toddler and clearly someone has to look after it. This would have made a better excuse for why you can't help with the garage then "I'm too pregnant". If you express this attitude to your husband ("I'm too pregnant" to do anything), he may get frustrated that he has to deal with the situation as if you were an invalid. I'd probably avoid those words and stick with "I need to take care of [child's name], could you please [do whatever]?".

You're right that a messy garage breeds bugs and small animals, so I'd be just as concerned as you are to get it cleaned up.

I guess that brings me to Point #1: Don't ask him to clean up the garage, tell him you'd like "us" to clean up the garage and to help you with it. Make it less of a command and more of a team effort and he'll probably get it.. at least my husband would anyway. It doesn't legitimately mean you have to do a lot of work in the garage, especially when there is a toddler in the house, but my point is just to make it less like a demand.

Point #2:

I told him, 'duh kids need structure, cant yell at them for not knowing what to do' (we're a bit behind on using a spoon because of her feeding difficulties) and I feel bad but I told him 'thats lazy parenting!'.

First, don't use the word "duh" in any sentence. You're really demeaning him like that, it's an outright insult, essentially implying that he's an idiot. That's the kind of argument a 7 year old puts forward. The second part you already admit you feel bad about so I won't address that.

he takes the CIO method (which I dont agree with) or then yells at her if she doesnt sleep. Really? It takes a lot of patience to get a little one to sleep, its not gonna be perfect.

Forgive me but.. why are you having another child with this guy again? He yells at your kid for not going to sleep. What in the world suggested "let's get pregnant again" in that regard? You guys really need to work on things.. if this sort of behavior continues into the child's older years, you're going to end up with a kid who has mental health issues, I guarantee it (I'm living proof).

I just feel like he's been really lazy these days and just does what he wants to do. His main hobbies are his garden and computer games, its not that he does bad things. Why cant he have more initiative to just do what needs to be done?

I'll be honest that this seems to be not just laziness. From what you're saying, it sounds like your husband is having trouble adjusting to life as a parent with responsibilities. I mean, my husband and I are child-free, and we have the luxury of being able to let a lot of things just slide in life in favor of doing what we want in the way of hobbies, though we always do eventually get around to everything My point though is that we're not responsible for another human life.

Your husband seems to have made a crappy transition from having no children to having children. He has all these hobbies and also responsibilities of a house, but also has the responsibility of helping maintain the children as well. He's skirting two of these for the former (his hobbies). He's not respecting either you or his children or his role as a father, I'm not which it is or if it's a combination of the three, nor do I know how old you or he are, but he's almost reacting in the same way that someone who hasn't grown up yet would react to being thrust into a situation with multiple responsibilities: avoid, avoid, avoid.

Still, I put forward that this is not "laziness" and is a deeper problem. I'd suggest counseling, if for no other reason than what you've said about how he treats his responsibilities to the children.

If you don't address the deeper problem, you'll just be putting bandaids on surface wounds.. not the best situation to be bringing a brand new baby into.

The more you talk about your home situation, the more it seems like counseling is needed because there is seems to be at least some major communication issues but also respect issues going on, and perhaps a little smattering of "growing up and being responsible" here and there. These are not things you can change over night.. they need to be addressed, but not in the form of demands to clean up the garage.

You guys need to sit down and have some serious talks.

 

[JRSut1000]

Wow, thanks for the long response! I appreciate it. As far as the garage goes, many of the items are too large for me to move around (like his footlockers and other equipment) and other stuff that is his, I have no clue what to do with cuz its his stuff and I dont know what half of it is. I dont mind working on it iwth him, but he just doesnt want to do it. He sees no need I guess.

Lol I guess the 'duh' comes from the idea that I thought it was common knowledge that toddlers (especially those who havent reached certain developmental steps yet) need structure in doing simple tasks, but he just took the 'easy' way out that didnt accomplish anything [talking about the jello].

Sleep - I do know its frustrating getting children to sleep, not saying I've never lost my temper, but I really want bedtime to be a positive experience for my child, not something to dread or know its gonna be a battle. Right now, she [our daughter] looks forward to mommy putting her to bed. But thats the thing, its mommy and only mommy, its just gotta be 'mama'!

Lazy - I didnt know what other word to use for it. I know from my own experience in my life I've dealt with the exact same lack of motivation to carry out responsibilities that needed done. I'd have focus for things like schoolwork because it was predictable. But parenting is unpredictable and household chores probably dont seem very appealing to a man, so maybe this is why he's trying to avoid such things? I dont know, I see myself a while back when I see what he's like right now. Even things like taking iniative in prayer time or studying together, he seems to be blowing that off too.

 

[JRSut1000]

Unfortunately, my family can see that he's just not very responsible with his things and they dont like seeing him yell at our daughter when its just not necessary. We're a different denomination than my folks and so it casts a bad light on what we believe if people dont think we're carrying it out properly. Not that it matters highly what anyone else thinks, its our marriage not theirs. But still, this lull that he's in concerning the responsibility department just isnt helping our mission as a couple.

 

[LinkH]

I don't know what your garage is like and how protected it is from the rest of the house and what else you keep there, but if you think of it as a sort of outdoor type area, is it that bad if there are bugs there? I can understand the urge to keep the floor clean for the toddler, but maybe you can let the garage go for several months and clean it up when you get around to it. It may help just to accept some dirt in some places if it isn't a health issue rather than to have conflict over it.

Maybe some easily removable outdoor shoes that he doesn't have to lace up or stoop to put on would help with his taking those off, too.

I can sympathize over feeding the baby. My wife seems more talented at that. Recently, though, I've been able to manage to get that food in the baby's mouth somewhere and get her to stop buzzing her lips by saying 'no' sternly. She has cried from that sometimes, poor thing, but she stops spitting food everywhere.

As a dad, taking Purrel to the park seems a bit extreme to me, especially if there is running water available. The little ones need to build up some immunity. We are a few blocks from the park, and I don't take a first aid kit, though it is not a bad idea to have one. I just tell them to put on jeans to prevent knee scrapes, and if they got hurt badly enough, I'd take them home. I used to take one cup with us in a bag with the toys so I could fill it from the water fountain and wash it out between kids when we went to the beach park. My wife would take Caprisan, snacks, etc. for a little trip.

 

[JRSut1000]

It's an attached garage, so its part of the house. And I cant just accept messy all the time cuz Im the only one who cleans it up and its not okay because the garage really is his area, not mine. Most of the stuff in there is his, not mine. Tools, and boxes, and heavy stuff too. There's lots of chemicals and such, no Im not gonna take over his job.

Sandals are removeable, but I only want him to wear full shoes cuz he's highly allergic to red ants. Either way, its like if hes working on the backyard and wants to get to the garage, instead of going around the house he goes through the house.

I know women are better equipped in some ways for childcare because they are (talking the traditional hubby at work, SAHM) with the child all day. But if the hubby is home every evening/weekends why shouldnt he find creative ways to help mama out with the tough stuff she gets tired of dealing with day in and day out (aka feeding in my case)?

He wasnt going to take ANYTHING to the park, just the toddler.

It's just the two main ideas that 1) he doesnt pick up/clean up after himself and 2) I do need more help especially when the new one comes I need to know he can put DD to bed or feed her a full meal if I'm unable to. Not just take the easy way out.

I'm just getting more and more frustrated and I feel further and further away from him. It's like I'm finally realizing that I have purpose in life rather than just getting away with accomplishing the bare minimum of what I should be doing. I've finally got off my butt and started caring about the way the house looks, my own cleanliness and appearance, and wanting to plan for our future and do things that are important. I have initiative now and for my husband not to share in that... its hard. I know he has hopes and dreams and they arent bad, but you cant be a dreamer and not do anything to get things accomplished. I know what his calling in ministry is and I dont doubt that call over his life, but he cant just sit around until its fulfilled. He has to be able to have responsibility within his own home before he's given greater responsibility in the kingdom. At least thats how I see it. I want to be right along side him with his hopes and dreams, but it takes actively taking responsibility in your own domain of influence.

 

[MessianicMommy]

Sweetie - some people do not transition well from non-father to fatherhood. Some do not transition well from no responsibility to responsibility towards a wife and now two children.

It sounds like you guys need some counseling. And that is offered with only co-pays for military dependents and active duty iirc. If you don't know who to ask, you could call your ombudsman and inquire after that.

 

[JRSut1000]

My husband is not active military, he's civilian.

It's the weirdest thing! I went out this morning while he was still sleeping to hang out w/ my folks (it was already planned) and I came home about 4-5 hours later and the house was cleaner, he took the baby right away to lay her down for a nap, and a few minutes later he told me he switches out his stuff in the garden too much, that he's "as bad as a woman". What on earth came over him?? lol, wondering if he saw the forum... lol unlikely. But in my frustration this morning, when I was driving I found myself praying for our marriage and for him. I do have empathy for the 'lack of motivation' feeling cuz I've been there, and I know only a person can decide to change (with God's help of course). I know I cant force anybody to change whether its my husband my kids or whoever. I am accountable for myself and my own life, everyone is. But I do know that I can pray for and love people and just do what I know I need to do in my own life and pray for wisdom along the way.

 

[MessianicMommy]

My husband is not active military, he's civilian.

Is he a civillian contractor? Or do I have you confused with someone else I know...? If he is, the same is afforded to you at the military base.

Anyway, glad to hear you guys worked out something today.

 

[LinkH]

Praying in faith may be the best option sometimes. I went to the Lord with a laundry list of issues about my wife a year ago or so, and she came back a couple of days explaining how the Lord had shown her those things about herself, and there was a real change. Especially if you have a spouse who loves the Lord and is sensitive to His voice, it may be the best way to address a sore point with your spouse-- just let the Lord do it. That's not to say you shouldn't talk about stuff, too.

 

[SiyoNqoba]

I'm really glad he seemed to have a bit of a revelation.

Honestly, I feel a bit sorry for this guy. Demeaning him is not going to help. Haven't you ever made a simple parenting mistake? How would you have felt if he, or someone else, said "Duh, toddlers need it done this way"? You say you thought it was common knowledge, but if the guy had little experience with babies and toddlers before becoming a father, then you'd be suprised about common knowledge. I thought it was common knowledge that you need to wipe a small child's butt after he or she poos on the toilet for a while, but I have friends with a 6 month old daughter and both of them had no idea about this.

From what I've seen of men, when they get demeaned like this enough times, they start to think that they're just not cut out for it, and will back off and let the woman do it. What's the point in trying, if everytime he tries, he gets critisized?

Nagging has never worked with my husband to get him to do something that I want him to do (case in point: the kitty litter needs to be cleaned out, and I cant do it because I'm pregnant - he didn't clean it out, he just moved it out of the house - AAAAARGH!).

What does work with my husband is to ask him once. He's not stupid. If I've asked him, then he knows I want him to do it. Then I shut up, and I pray about it. This has worked for massive stuff (like realising the awful influence his father had over him), as well as for the small stuff (here's hoping it works for the kitty litter, though I must admit to having done some nagging, lol).

 

[JRSut1000]

Of course I've made mistakes, but the thing is when I make mistakes I work through them because I have to. I've found ways to get my child to eat successfully and its been a very difficult road in doing so. Every day is still a challenge but I dont give up. He's been a father for almost 2 years and I've been a mother for almost two years. He's home every evening and weekend, so he still has plenty of opportunity to explore how he communicates with our daughter and how to get her to eat/sleep whatever. But he gives up easily, then its left to me and I cannot afford to give up - my childs sleep and her weight are at on the line. Honestly, I've been depressed many days because Im just so fed up with the food battle and some days it seems like 'when will this kid ever LIKE to eat?' and it would be such a relief to me to know that Im not the only one who can do it. But right now, it is pretty much up to me for the most part because DH gives up so easily with it.

And I agree, demeaning is never good whoever the person and I do try not to do that. Its just sometimes I get so fed up and exhausted and tired of it all (trying to keep up the household responsibilities and keep weight on my kid).

 

[dorig59]

This journey you have embarked on of marriage & parenthood will have MANY, many ups & downs, hills & valleys. You all are only just beginning. You will change much over time, too. You will change, your husband will change, and the dynamics of your marriage will change.

I don't know any more detail about your child's eating habits other than what you've said in this specific thread of yors, but is there some sort of special disorder she has or what? I remember when my first child was that age there were times when he would eat almost nothing for long periods of time and it would drive me up the wall. Then all of a sudden he'd hit a growth spurt & would eat just fine. He also did certain things late, like lifting his head as an infant, rollimg over, walking, talking, that sort of thing. He was also underweight for his age for awhile. I can assure you that he is now a strapping, perfectly healthy, 6'6" 29-year old young man! I can't hardly believe it!

Anyway I had my second child when he was only 16 months old & the two of them were very shy for a long time and quite attached to me. My husband used to refer to them as "the cling-on kids.". They'd also cry if I left the room & I used to worry they'd never be close with their dad. Again, worries were unfounded. Most things have a way of coming together just as they should.

And as important as it is for a man to be a good Father, and I'm not giving him a free pass here, but he probably is often very weary from working all day too. So do keep that in mind as well.

 

[JRSut1000]

Concerning the eating thing, its always been a struggle from breastfeeding to bottle feeding to regular table foods. She's always been small and she's less than the 5th percentile last check-up. Its always a struggle getting her to eat/drink enough and I'm really fed up with it. When I think its finally getting better, she seems to regress to her unfortunate 'norm'. She's almost 2 and rarely can I ever get 1000 calories in to her. In fact, many if not most days its only around 500-700. Today, maybe 400. I just wish there was someone else besides me who was able to get my child to eat because its my biggest frustration. Seriously, it leaves me either angry and cranky or depressed and feeling helpless. And having another one on the way makes me wonder how I'll be able to get my toddler to eat enough cuz I'll be so busy and tired with the new one.

My husband has been trying to be very helpful the last few days, I wish I had the energy to enjoy my time with him and his efforts. The only thing that actually makes me feel good on days like this is actually accomplishing something useful like organizing or decluttering, but then when I see I cant even accomplish a very key aspect of motherhood...ugh, you get my drift....

 

[LinkH]

When my first son didn't eat enough, my wife would sometimes give him pediasure. One doctor recommended against it because he got hungry less and ate less real food. And Pediasure is expensive. But if I had a child who wasn't getting enough calories I might try it as long as the child was eating something every meal to keep the habit up.

 

[SearchingStudent]

My youngest was barely on the growth charts for most of his life. He was never much of an eater and had a ton of food allergies. He's now 22 and still "small". He's 5'7" and maybe 135lbs now.

Have you had her checked for allergies?

 

[SiyoNqoba]

What has the doctor said about her eating? Is s/he concerned?

 

[JRSut1000]

No, I dont feel like forcing allergy testing on her at this time. I dont know, she doesnt act like she's allergic to anything. The Dr doesnt seem too worried, but they think everything is normal. I as a mom feel that this is NOT normal and I dont like when pediatricians write everything off as 'normal'.

 

[mkgal1]

I found this series of articles on the subject

Part 2

Part 3


Part 4


According to this article.....some dietitians specialize in working with toddlers and their (poor) eating habits. That may be worth while to explore.

 

[MessianicMommy]

No, I dont feel like forcing allergy testing on her at this time. I dont know, she doesnt act like she's allergic to anything. The Dr doesnt seem too worried, but they think everything is normal. I as a mom feel that this is NOT normal and I dont like when pediatricians write everything off as 'normal'.

If you feel there is a problem, there is likely a problem. It may take staying in the pediatric office and listing off symptoms and what she is not eating, what she eats in general etc ----- or it may take a call to early intervention.

If she is not eating, and it is a regular habit, something is wrong. Babies don't simply choose not to eat to drive you crazy.

I have an aquaintance who has a daughter with a sensory processing disorder. One of the things she has the most trouble with (sensory wise) is eating. http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/picky-eaters.html