How Do I Help Her Deal With...

[~Mrs. A2J~]

Hubby and I are expecting our third child in 2 months. We currently have a 6 year old daughter and an 18 month old son. It is very likely that number 3 will be our last baby but there is one huge potential problem - our daughter desperately wants a sister. We don't know whether baby number 3 is a boy or a girl but if it's a boy I'm pretty sure our daughter is going to be crushed. So if we have a second son how do I help her deal with the disappointment of probably never having a sister?

 

[bliz]

Talk with her about it now. "I understand you'd really like to have a sister." is a good lead in, and let her say whaever she wants. Use active listening skills and paraphrase what she says back to her. It is very important for her to feel that she has really been heard.

Explain to her that it is God who decides if the baby is a boy or a girl, and that you are very glad that she was a girl, and very glad that her brother was a boy and how great it is that God makes both boys and girls.

Encourage her to pray to God about her wishes and feelings about the baby, no matter what they are. And let her know that she can always talk with you about how she feels about the baby etc.

At the same time, ask a few special friends to join you in praying that her heart will be open to the baby regardless of gender - basically that God would change her heart.

 

[CelticRose]

I think Bliz's advice is great. The other thing we did was to very deliberately find out the nexy baby's sex. It stopped all potential wars dead to say, 'God's giving us a girl this time.' We chose the name early & encouraged all the kids to *talk to the tummy*, stroke the baby in utero & begin bonding early. Unfortunately it worked too well & her siblings have always spoilt my youngest rotten.

 

[sparassidae]

We have the same issue- our son was firstborn, and after that the girls. For the last two pregnancies he has expressed a wish for a brother, and I think he expects we will keep having children until he gets one.

We don't find out the baby's gender until birth (our preference). Apparently when he was told by phone that the youngest was a girl (DH made the call) DS was openly disappointed. But the next day when he saw her (she was born at night) he was just so excited.

Like Bliz said, we tell the children that it is up to God what sort of baby we have, and we have told him that he may never have a brother. But we talk to him about the advantages of sisters, and of being the only boy. (ie not sharing certain toys). I have also at this stage pointed out that if we have another baby, even if it is a boy the age gap would be quite substantial.

Basically we want him to value his sisters and be open to the idea of not having a brother, but instead having close friends. We've always been understanding about his feelings, encouraged him to talk about them and have never told him it is wrong to feel that way.

Hope this helps.

 

[Hadassah]

Basically what Bliz said.

I remember my parents being really open when they found out my brother was on the way when I was around 2, and open again when my sister was on the way not long after my brother was born.

We were involved, mom explained why she couldn't hold us... or pick us up, and why we needed to help out a little more, and let us touch her belly to feel the baby, and when she was bathing she let us see the baby (she's so petite that by month 8 or so you could see my brother or sister in there, literally!), we talked to the baby... and "helped" put the crib together and that kind of thing.

We prayed together about the baby, and by the time baby was there, it was no big deal after a couple of weeks.

It was about the same with all of our overseas and national moves with the military. If dad was going up for a new assignment or being promoted, we were told and given the same options they were, it was explained if we had questions and we all prayed together about it. We were never in the dark about any of it.

 

[~Mrs. A2J~]

Thanks for the advice. I'm doing much of what was posted. We have open lines of communication regarding the baby. She comes to all my prenatal visits, has listened to the heart beat. She gives the baby hugs and kisses when she wants. The baby is included in her prayers at night. We also talk to her about how it is that God chooses whether we have a boy or a girl and that He chose her to be a girl and her brother to be a boy and that God knew just which baby was perfect for our family. I know she will love the baby whether it's a boy or a girl but I know part of her will be disappointed if she doesn't get that sister she wants.