How Do I Find My Way Back?

[Blessed_Is_She]

I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right place or not so forgive me if this belongs somewhere else. I'm a newbie here and am looking for some guidance.

I'd like to share something with you that I posted on another board (to save me the time of writing it over again ).

Here is my story:

It's hard to say exactly when I became a Christian. I remember asking for forgiveness when I was 16. It was after my father died and I felt very alone and was not in a good home siuation with my mother. I was feeling depressed and I really only had Dh (then bf) and his family to lean on. They are Christian and through talking to them, I decided I wanted God to be a part of my life like he was/is theirs. At the time, Jay was really into is and we talked a lot about various issues. I think at that point and off and on since then, we have been "surface" Christians. Believing in Christ, but not having a great relationship with Him. We went to church and read Christian books and listened to Christian music but we had otherwise not led the Christian life, kwim?

Lately, we have skipped church regularly and have really fallen away. The other day something happened to me though and I think I'm ready to take another step forward. Karen Kingsbury is one of my favority Christian fiction authors. I can always find something to relate to in her books and her message is always so powerful. It always makes me want to be a better person. Well, I couldn't sleep the other night and I decided to read one of her books. I eventually asleep only to wake up in a total panic at about 6 in the morning. I'd had a horrifying dream. I don't remember much about it except that there was a huge flood. Somehow I survived and then I was in my childhood home with Jay and a couple other people that I can't remember. I just remember being very afraid. Suddenly, there was a loud rumbling and I had a feeling of doom. I opened the door to find smoke billowing outside. I looked down the street and there was a MASSIVE "take out the whole world" wall of fire blazing towards us. I knew it was only a matter of seconds to I told everyone it was the end and held hands with them and prayed. Then the fire engulfed us and I died. I woke up a few seconds later and it happened again- and then again and then again. I kept trying to beat the clock (how I don't know) but every time I'd open the door, the fire could still be there and I'd die. It happened four times before I finally woke up IRL. I was very panicked. Usually I don't dream at all or it's a silly dream. But immediately, I had the sense that God was trying to talk to me and I was just overcome with a sense of humility. I laid in bed and prayed about it for about 5-10 minutes. I decided right then that I needed to rededicate my faith.

In the past few days, I've been trying to figure out the best way to start on my path again. I had been having trouble finding time to think about everything. But something else that was positive happened just the other day (after this dream). I was driving down the road and thinking about how I need to quit smoking. Not only for my family and for myself, but because it's part of getting right with God. I was thinking about how hard it's going to be and not two seconds after I had that thought, a scripture came to me. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Now this kind of flipped me out because I have not really heard God speak to me in a long time, nor have I picked up my Bible and read it in....oh I'd say a good 5-7 years! It really gave me hope that I'm headed in the right direction.

It certainly isn't going to be easy though. I'm still struggling with the small things like praying, quitting cursing, quitting smoking, etc. But I can see the big picture. I can see the kind of person I want to be and the kind of family I want to have. I told Jay I would like to go visit my friend's non-denominational church in a few weeks. We're not getting much out of our own church right now and I think that's part of our problem. But I feel drawn to this other church and I hope Jay will too. Maybe that's a good step for us.

So I'm hoping some of you could help me find my way back. Interestingly enough, I believe God prodded us to attend church today. We were going to skip it again but I felt the urge to go. As it turns out, the sermon today was about the apostle Paul and strengthening our relationship with Christ . I thought that was great timing.

I'm thinking maybe I could find an online Bible study somewhere or something like that? I think it'd be easier for me to do it that one, one chapter at a time and studying it, rather than sitting down and reading the entire Bible and then going back.

Has anyone had a similar experience of "falling back?" How did you regain your faith?

Also, dh is not really "into" the Christian faith anymore. Not that he doesn't believe, but he doesn't really act the part, kwim? I feel like I can't do this journey without him. I want us to have a marriage like God wants, but I can't do it alone. Plus, we have two children and I want to raise them in the Christian faith. But I can't do any of that until I have a better relationship with God myself.

Thanks for any input you may have.

 

[mle]

I am so happy that God is calling you. If you want a friend who loves the Lord, I'm here. PM me any time!!!!
Do not feel that you have to change your life/habits. Look to Jesus and learn of Him so God can have to glory of your changed person. He/God wants to change you into what He wants. That may not necessarily be what you think He wants.
I understand your need for your husbands support. He(biblically) is supposed to lead you. I suggest you continue to seek God the way you are. Your husband may or may not follow. God must be our first love. Jesus is our husband.
You cannot do this alone.....that is why Jesus will always be with you. He will never leave you!
Bye for now

 

[New Creation]

Dear Blessed Is She,

That is such a beautiful story and I'm so excited for you. I will be praying for you my sister.

I don't do a daily bible study but I do read it daily and I get a devotional from freebibleemail.com .

My boyfriend walked away from the Lord for about 11 years and has just in the past year come back to Him. It has been a slow, (not always easy) struggle. GEt back into the word a little at a time, yes, keep going to a church that you feel His Spirit in. And if you can, look for a cell group or home group to study in. Being part of a group can help keep you accountable. Perhaps your husband can join too. It can be something that you both can discuss, that's for sure.

Keep praying friend, He wants to hear from you. He misses you!!!

And here's something that you might find effective in giving up your bad habits. this year, I gave up smoking after 20 years. I gave my cigarettes to Jesus for my birthday. My cigarettes were very important to me and I loved them even though they were killing me, so I knew that Jesus would appreciate this gift from me, one that meant so much. And you know, it's hard to imagine myself saying to The Saviour "uh, can I have that present back? you know the one I gave you last year?" Can't go there. when you're ready, He will be there to help you.

God bless you!!!!!!!

 

[Blessed_Is_She]

Thanks for the replies.

Our son's baptism is this coming Sunday so we will definitely be attending again. I enjoyed the sermon this past week so I hope it will continue to "pull me back" so to speak. But if not, I'm not hesitant about checking out that other church.

My time is very limited right now so I think a Bible Study group is probably out right now. But I will try to do as much as I can on my own for now.

New Creation,
That's a really neat way to give up cigarettes. Just the thought of giving them up right now, makes me want to cry lol. I know I need to though. I don't know why it's so hard for me. I quit instantly with both of my pregnancies- I cared enough for my children to quit, so why can't I care about myself enough to do it again?

 

[Blessed2003]

Hello Blessed is she. I completely understand what you are going through, I am walking the same road. I fell away after I lost my dad almost 4 years ago now, and for the longest time I really wanted to be back but just could not seem to make a move. I also know how you feel about not wanting to do it alone, my husband is still stuck in not being ready to make changes, so this is my advice. When you die will there be anyone there with you when you stand before God? No, so try as best you can to be an example until God touches your husbands heart for a change. If you are familiar with the Bible you know the parable told by Jesus about the "Unjust judge" where the woman continues to go to the judge asking for justice and finally to get her off his back (i am paraphrasing i'm sure you know) he grants her request. Jesus said for us to continue to ask God, He is much kinder than an unjust judge, so surely He will answer our prayers. I know it's hard but as the Holy Spirit reminded you, with God all things are possible! I saw a sign recently that said, "For a new start, Ask God for a new heart," and never, ever give up. It is not easy, I know, I live it, but you obviously have a tender heart so when you fall, and you will, you are human, get right back up. Oh yeah, i almost forgot, when your heart undergoes a "transplant" God, I repeat, God will give you the strength and the motivation to quit anything (ie. smoking, cussing, whatever) that is not good for you. Look to Jesus, not your mistakes, I will pray for you and may God strengthen you and Bless you always,
B

 

[Blessed_Is_She]

Thanks so much Blessed. That means a lot to me to hear from someone else who is struggling. Very sweet.