How Do I Bring This Up?

[Living4Him03]

Back in November I visited a guy friend who lives about an hour away from me. He had broken his hand playing football with friends and didn't have his car at the time and his roommate wasn't going to be home for a day or so. I mistakenly decided to go to his apartment to see him and make sure he was okay. I thought I could just drive back that night, since I didn't have class until later the next day. Well, to make a long story short, that "friend" ended up forcing me to do things with him sexually that I did not want to do. Fortuneately, his roommate came home early, otherwise who knows what would have happened.

Well, my boyfriend doesn't know that this happened. We were not dating at the time and weren't even talking to one another. I think I need to tell him because I like for him to know that sort of thing and he likes to know what happens in my life, especially something like that. The thing is, I'm not sure how to bring it up or really sure that I should share this with him. I'm afraid he might think that I wanted the things this guy did, and not understand the situation, then end up thinking I was with some other guy. Would it be so bad if I didn't tell him about what happened?

 

[Living Stone]

I dont understand.
This guy forced your sexually, sister?
Thats called rape and its against the law.

YOu can tell your bf, but the first thing to have done was tell the police.

Its going to seem pretty suspicous, in my opinion, that this happened months ago and you didnt call the cops or something.
I mean, I believe you as my sisters have all been attacked by relatives and my exwifes sister was raped by her exs best friend, so I know it happens.
It just would have given you more leg to stand on with him if you had filed charges then.

My ex sister in laws hubby at that point accused her of just having sex with the guy even tho she told him the very day it happened.
She wasnt beat up or anything, so he assumed she wanted it.

Honesty is the best policy Id think.
Id want to know if my honey had had that happen
Of course his curiosity is going to get the best of him.
He may want to keep trusting you, but in order to do that youre probly going to have to spell out the details very vividly.
I know if it were me, just to be sure you were being honest with me, Id ask questions for weeks to see if you tripped up at some point.
But thats just me

good luck sis

Back in November I visited a guy friend who lives about an hour away from me. He had broken his hand playing football with friends and didn't have his car at the time and his roommate wasn't going to be home for a day or so. I mistakenly decided to go to his apartment to see him and make sure he was okay. I thought I could just drive back that night, since I didn't have class until later the next day. Well, to make a long story short, that "friend" ended up forcing me to do things with him sexually that I did not want to do. Fortuneately, his roommate came home early, otherwise who knows what would have happened.

Well, my boyfriend doesn't know that this happened. We were not dating at the time and weren't even talking to one another. I think I need to tell him because I like for him to know that sort of thing and he likes to know what happens in my life, especially something like that. The thing is, I'm not sure how to bring it up or really sure that I should share this with him. I'm afraid he might think that I wanted the things this guy did, and not understand the situation, then end up thinking I was with some other guy. Would it be so bad if I didn't tell him about what happened?

 

[MrDude]

Straight out tell him. Get him in a private place, tell him there is something very important that you need to tell him, and just tell him the honest to God truth.

 

[Living4Him03]

I dont understand.
This guy forced your sexually, sister?
Thats called rape and its against the law.

YOu can tell your bf, but the first thing to have done was tell the police.

Its going to seem pretty suspicous, in my opinion, that this happened months ago and you didnt call the cops or something.
I mean, I believe you as my sisters have all been attacked by relatives and my exwifes sister was raped by her exs best friend, so I know it happens.
It just would have given you more leg to stand on with him if you had filed charges then.

My ex sister in laws hubby at that point accused her of just having sex with the guy even tho she told him the very day it happened.
She wasnt beat up or anything, so he assumed she wanted it.

Honesty is the best policy Id think.
Id want to know if my honey had had that happen
Of course his curiosity is going to get the best of him.
He may want to keep trusting you, but in order to do that youre probly going to have to spell out the details very vividly.
I know if it were me, just to be sure you were being honest with me, Id ask questions for weeks to see if you tripped up at some point.
But thats just me

good luck sis

Sounds just like him! When I told him I'd "messed around" with the guys I dated before him, he wanted to know exactly what I did with those guys, so I'm sure he'll want to know exactly everything. I don't remember every single thing. Which will probably make him doubt me more. Great. Somehow it seems I end up in some crazy situation and something bad happens and then it's all my fault. He knows I have a high sex drive, so I doubt he's going to believe that I didn't want it. This guy didn't force intercourse, but he did other things and almost forced a type of intercourse. Would you want to report something like that when you have no evidence and don't know what the heck the guy's friends could do to you? When the police really can't do anything for someone who wasn't actually "raped" ?

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Sounds just like him! When I told him I'd "messed around" with the guys I dated before him, he wanted to know exactly what I did with those guys, so I'm sure he'll want to know exactly everything. I don't remember every single thing. Which will probably make him doubt me more. Great. Somehow it seems I end up in some crazy situation and something bad happens and then it's all my fault. He knows I have a high sex drive, so I doubt he's going to believe that I didn't want it. This guy didn't force intercourse, but he did other things and almost forced a type of intercourse. Would you want to report something like that when you have no evidence and don't know what the heck the guy's friends could do to you? When the police really can't do anything for someone who wasn't actually "raped" ?

If he's doubting you or thinks it's "your fault" because the fact you have a high sex drive or just for the fact that you were there, then perhaps you should re-examine your relationship with this fellow. If he doesn't like what happens, that's not your fault, but his own issue. Plus, I don't think that you should tell him because you feel you have to tell him because he wants to know everything. I think you should tell him when you feel comfortable enough to tell him.

 

[Living Stone]

Sister, Im not trying to make you upset

Im just being realistic as a man who did have two wives cheat again and again.
Im not saying that hes right to act the way I said I thought he would, Im just stating the probability that he would and I know I would because of my experiences.

Heres the thing tho.
If you love him, then be patient with him while hes sorting the things out.
Its a very hard thing to find that the woman in our live has either had sex willingly with another or that she has been assaulted.

He may just need to talk this out in order to prove to himself that he can trust you thats all.

I know becuase of my marriages,that now with Galadriel, I told her that I reallly had to feel like I could trust her.
Id be double checking things with her for a while and I knew it wasnt fair to her, but I needed to learn to trust women again.
I asked her to be patient with me and help me thru this.

she was more than willing and so now I am fully past it.
She helped me when I needed help with a problem *I* had that she was in no way involved with.
That is love.

If you love him, then be willling to talk thru things with him.
This stuff can be very painful and hard to work thru for both people.

If you say youre telling the truth, then my first instinct is to believe you.
but the way I am, I know Id keep looking for contradictions for a while just to be sure.
Not to try to say ''AH HAAA"

But like with Galadriel, after so much dishonesty from women, I was trying to FIND a reason to believe in her.
I WANTED to see every detail so I could say ''there.....see....she ISNT going to hurt you like that"

Id tell him, if I were you.
Then when he asks for details, tell him you love him and understand that he feels the need to know so he can work it out in his head and know that he can trust you.

whatever you do, DONT give him the line that you dont want to talk about it.
Men (and women) will immediately attach guilt to this, even if we dont admit it at the time.

The more open and honest you are....the more you seem willing to talk to him and be open about what happened, the more hes going to see that youre not hiding anything.

Sounds just like him! When I told him I'd "messed around" with the guys I dated before him, he wanted to know exactly what I did with those guys, so I'm sure he'll want to know exactly everything. I don't remember every single thing. Which will probably make him doubt me more. Great. Somehow it seems I end up in some crazy situation and something bad happens and then it's all my fault. He knows I have a high sex drive, so I doubt he's going to believe that I didn't want it. This guy didn't force intercourse, but he did other things and almost forced a type of intercourse. Would you want to report something like that when you have no evidence and don't know what the heck the guy's friends could do to you? When the police really can't do anything for someone who wasn't actually "raped" ?

 

[Living Stone]

If he's doubting you or thinks it's "your fault" because the fact you have a high sex drive or just for the fact that you were there, then perhaps you should re-examine your relationship with this fellow. If he doesn't like what happens, that's not your fault, but his own issue. I think you should tell him when you feel comfortable enough to tell him. Plus, I don't think that you should tell him because you feel you have to tell him because he wants to know everything. .

Then she has just signed her walking papers.

If he had been with a woman somehow and was not at fault, then he should be willing to disclose EVERY detail to her until SHE is satisfied with his story.

If she talks about it when SHE is ready, then its going to seem as if shes not being forthright about everything.

 

[Ginga]

I think that if you can see yourself marrying this guy, then you will need to tell him eventually. It would be wrong to keep this from him. But the best thing to do is to pray about it, and ask God to bring up an opportunity to tell him in God's own timing, not yours or your boy friends. If the relationship isn't going to work out because of it, then it is better to find that out now then to find it out once in the bonds of husband and wife. But it will be easier to tell him sooner rather than later, because then everything will be out in the open, and you can start to get over the past and grow in your relationship together. God bless and best of luck to you.

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

Then she has just signed her walking papers.

If he had been with a woman somehow and was not at fault, then he should be willing to disclose EVERY detail to her until SHE is satisfied with his story.

If she talks about it when SHE is ready, then its going to seem as if shes not being forthright about everything.

Didn't he sign his own walking papers by her indicating that he's going to blame her?

Most everyone has a past. I have a past. My fiance knows I have a past. Does he know the 100% details of my past? No. He doesn't need to know nor does he want to know because he knows I am a new creation in Christ. Therefore I am clean. It's would be for his own ego that he wants to know the details of her past--willing or unwilling past. I would think that LFH's guy should be a decent enough fellow to give her time to give this information and don't stop being selfish because she doesn't want to go into every livid detail to relive everything again. If my fiance wanted to know every little detail of my past, I'd question why is it so important? He knows the basics, he knows I'm healthy and I'm a new creation now. It's just that the frail ego of a man sometimes can't get over the fact that somehow she's been "tainted." Then he would need to get over himself. If he can't put it in the past, then how can the relationship move on?

 

[Sketcher]

Just tell him what happened. Tell him what the guy did, and if you have any bruises, show him (within the constraints of decency, of course). Put it on the table and give him a chance to believe you. Besides, even if the perpetrator didn't get all the way to rape, you can probably get him on some sort of assault charge.

 

[Mustaphile]

I think if you keep it a secret it's going to mess with the feelings you have for each other. Perhaps if you talk about it with a close and trusted friend first, so you have some type of trial run on what your going say?

 

[-Celeborn-]

Didn't he sign his own walking papers by her indicating that he's going to blame her?

Most everyone has a past. I have a past. My fiance knows I have a past. Does he know the 100% details of my past? No. He doesn't need to know nor does he want to know because he knows I am a new creation in Christ. Therefore I am clean. It's would be for his own ego that he wants to know the details of her past--willing or unwilling past. I would think that LFH's guy should be a decent enough fellow to give her time to give this information and don't stop being selfish because she doesn't want to go into every livid detail to relive everything again. If my fiance wanted to know every little detail of my past, I'd question why is it so important? He knows the basics, he knows I'm healthy and I'm a new creation now. It's just that the frail ego of a man sometimes can't get over the fact that somehow she's been "tainted." Then he would need to get over himself. If he can't put it in the past, then how can the relationship move on?

I dont know.

When someone doesnt give full disclosure, to me it just makes me suspicious.

My betrothed has told me as much as she can think of, good and bad and I have done so with her as well.
There will never be any surprises in our relationship.
No ghosts from the past lurking around, haunting either of us.

Id rather she knows everything about my past, so she can discern what she will about me and us.

It must just be my honey and me, but we feel that starting off with secrets isnt the best way to start our godly life together.

 

[-Celeborn-]

I think if you keep it a secret it's going to mess with the feelings you have for each other. Perhaps if you talk about it with a close and trusted friend first, so you have some type of trial run on what your going say?

Agreed.
And that best friend should be the one you intend to spend the rest of your life with.