How did I miss it?

[guitarinliv]

So, I'm feeling like an idiot. I've basically just realized that my Christian husband is both verbally and emotionally abusive. I've been married to him for nearly 2 years, though we've been together for about 6 1/2 years, and yet I've somehow managed not to see that he's been abusive until just now. We had another fight a few days ago, and even though it wasn't the worst one we've had, it was bad enough to have me thinking, and still hurting, days later. I finally, though reluctantly, asked a close friend if she thought what he's been doing and saying was abusive. When she said yes, it was like my silent suspicion and fear was confirmed. I just had to hear someone else confirm it.
When he gets angry, which is often, he tells me how I'm a horrible wife and unworthy of his or anyone else's love, that I'm too stupid to finish grad school, etc. He's told me that I should consider myself lucky that he hasn't resorted to porn b/c of my inadequacies...and those are just a couple of the mild things, not even the most hurtful. Afterward he apologizes for yelling at me and expects things to be business as usual. I'm constantly on guard, walking on eggshells, b/c I don't know what will set him off again.
I have a history of abuse - child molestation and I was sexually assaulted in college, so I'm really confused as to how I missed that this was happening to me!!! I keep thinking that I should've been smarter than this...or at least more aware b/c of my past. What's worse is that I think his actions and verbal insults have been triggering me in terms of my past abuse. I just didn't connect the dots until now.
I'm going to talk to my pastor in a couple of days b/c now that the scales have fallen from my eyes, I can't pretend that they haven't...for my sake and for my baby girl.
I guess I'm writing this b/c I needed to vent, but also b/c I want to know if it's normal for me to be so mad at myself for missing this, and if anyone else has felt this idiotic and absolutely shocked? How did this happen? I'm so confused....

 

[Lucis]

Have you let him known clearly that you wont tolerate him saying bad things like that? Maybe he is walking around in a illusion that just as long as he ask for forgiveness after it, then he can just continue it. He should understand that it is not acceptable at all, and if he disagree and thinks he has a right to talk badly to you, he is a problem for you. You should not feel like walking around on eggshells, but feel safe and loved.

Some people have a bad temper. To have problems with anger can be a sin in some peoples lives. Things like stress can cause anger. If he really feels bad about it and feel that he lacks control of it, if he admits it is a problem, he should see someone for anger-management or something. But if he just answers with more verbal/emotional abuse, then you should not accept it and not let him continue with it.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

.

 

[Johnnz]

What next for you will now become a big issue. His behaviour is unacceptable, especially is he professes Christ. You have some hard choices and will probably need some really good advice.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[Supplanter]

Yes, I've gotten involved in a few relationships that were emotionally and verbally abusive. I felt stupid too, especially since I was abused sexually as a child and felt I should have been able to tell when someone was this sort of person. But the fact of the matter is that it can be very hard to tell when someone is emotionally or verbally abusive at first.

Often those things don't come to the surface until later on in the relationship and often at a point when we have already fallen in love with them, and I personally think survivors of abuse often have a predisposition to love no matter what, because we so often we struggle with not feeling like we are loved unconditionally. We don't want others to go through that. So, I understand how you feel, but just know, this is not your fault. You did not ask for this and you are not responsible for his actions.

However, you do have a loving Savior who nothing is impossible for, so cleave to Him and cry out to Him and He will answer you. Prayers and love for you my sister.