how could I have not seen

[ozzielady]

I myself am a survivor of mild sexual abuse by my brother their was never any penetration.
My daughter told me yesterday that my husband her daddy touched her when she was little, she says that their was no penetration but apparently he performed oral sex on her. It did not happen many times and stopped almost as soon as it started. she is now 17 she does not want to press charges, that is her choice, she still lives at home.
Why could I not see that this was going on,
We have 7 children in total my daughter who said this is the eldest my concern is do I kick my husband out or do i seek help for him, he seems genuinly sorry.
Do I try and salvage my family and keep it whole, I know if I kick him out he will not survive, am I wrong to still love him. we also have a 15 and 13 yr old boys and a 4 yr old boy but mt big concern is we have a 2 yr old girl and 8 month old twin girls and 2 top all off my son was born on the 15th April and lived only 4 1/2 hours.
I am a total mess
Am I wrong for keeping him in the house and if he stays how does our relationship survive or shouldn't it

 

[FaithfulWife]

Dear ozzielady~

I have to honestly tell you that I barely know how to respond to you other than to cry with you and let you know that you're not in this alone and I am praying for you night and day.

I am not sure that anyone here on this forum is going to be the right person to advise you on what to do. It may be wise for you to speak with a professionally trained counselor to get some wise advise, and I would also point you toward a Bible-believing counselor too if you can find one. Here is a link to the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors: NANC. And here is a link for the National Christian Counselors Association: NCCA. I pray that there will be a counselor in your area who can give you wise, biblical advise.

Here is in my own personal, private opinion which I would encourage you to consider and then decide for yourself if it is wise. I can understand how you would still feel love for your husband and want to save your marriage. The two of you have had a lifetime together! But I also believe that repairing the family that has been shattered is not your responsibility anymore. Your husband made choices years ago that caused your daughter to suffer and has currently harmed the whole family, and now it is all up to him. It is my opinion that YOUR job is to make sure your kids are safe from harm at all costs--and sadly I don't know if you can do that with him in the house. However, he CAN demonstrate to you, to the family and to all the kids his true repentance and sorrow by voluntarily keeping them safe by leaving, by making sure that he attends any and all counseling on his own (without you reminding him), and by demonstrating that he has changed and they are safe.

If you just had a child 15 days ago that only lived 4 1/2 hours, I would suggest that you attempt to deal with that loss first. This is just too much for any human to bear!!! Seek some counseling for yourself for the grief of your loss and for this sexual abuse issue. Seek some counseling for your children--obviously your daughter and any others involved so they can deal with it all too. And finally seek counseling for your family as a WHOLE so that there can be one person sort of guiding and helping everyone to recover and come back together.

I know this is HORRIBLE AND AWFUL and could not have come at a worse time--but your children whom you dearly love are depending on you to keep them safe. You can do it!!! Just be patient and keep your focus on doing the godly thing.





~Faithfulwife

 

[goldenviolet]

if he doesn't face the consequences and people who can determine if he needs sex offender treatment; then how will you know who's safe, or sick, etc.?... if you don't handle this responsibly for the children's sake (not his)... then what secrets or values do you teach, or become apart of ?

i don't ask this from a naive' place. my grandfather was an offender, but also a well known gospel singer. he was protected, and i was made to believe that forgiveness covers consequences. it enabled him to go on and abuse several more people: all while being a trusted and prominante member of the church and community. he passed away without ever being accountable. this hurt many people.

sadly, a few days after my daughter's fourth birthday, she told me of an abuse. i turned it in. family was upset, the small community media announced it with enough info for everyone to know it was us etc. we were ran out of town by both our family, and the community... and worst, the church. everyone had oppinions and wisdom, and sermons and answers. but the true answers i already knew, from my grandfather; if i concelled anyone from the consequences of these things, then i would be apart of society that feeds the secrets.... and should we allow any type of sexual abuse to be forgiven and forgotten in our family? the law says no, because the consequences are steps to prevent further harm.

one little thing left: what message does a father send his daughter in these types of issues? i know from exsperiance that he conditions her to except abuise; and allow people to violate boundries, if it's given under the right circumstance.

bless your heart. if you need to talk, pm me. i can help you look into your community for support; if you need. xo dee

 

[ozzielady]

I turned him into the authorities
Now the healing can start

 

[goldenviolet]

bless your heart

 

[calledchuck]

wow... i know this is hard for you. Plese know that there are lots of people praying for you. There's lots of great things about this site, but one in particular is the prayer. People all over the world are praying for you.

I too thing you should seek some counseling. Not because there's anything "wrong" with you, just because all this is just SO much for you! I think you need a perfessional to talk to and seek advice from.

Stay strong and know im praying for you

-chuck (names chelsey but everybody calls me chuck)