How christian of you.

[yasic]

Is it ethical to treat someone slightly more negatively if they unintentionally offend or upset you, even if they meant their actions in a positive manner?


One of the more offensive statements I hear on a weekly basis is "That was very Christian of you" or "You are more ethical than most Christians I know" or when not addressed to me statements like "I didn't expect that kind of behavior on a Christian site". It is very demeaning, and a constant reminder to me that people believe me to be a more savage and unethical beast because I don't share their beliefs in a god- in short it shows people view me as a second class citizen.

If it is a friend or someone I see on a regular basis that says it to me, I would usually find some time to have a friendly talk and explain to them how such a comment is offensive to me. On the other hand, if someone says it that I will likely not see again I usually don't bring anything up, if for no other reason than it tends to leave the impression that atheists are jerks who cannot even take a 'compliment'- especially true if I don't have the time to really explain why the statement is hurtful.

I understand that most people who say such a phrase simply never thought it through, and most intend it as a compliment, but I still see it as impacting my actions on a mostly subconscious level. I find that if someone says this too me, I may become slightly less patient in conversations, or perhaps have their odds of being invited to a party I am throwing to be a bit less. Granted this change of heart is very minuscule and is virtually never a deciding factor for anything, but it is still there.

So I am asking myself... should I spend more time to suppress my inner hurt? To make sure that such a question never affects my judgement of people and the resulting actions toward the person? And if so, how seriously (and just in general 'How') can I work toward avoiding this extra judgement I impose?


Thanks for any input, and sorry for the long rant.

 

[mahoutragicqueen]

Personally, I don't take "how Christian of you" type comments in that sense. Most Christians believe that their goal as Christians is to be more like Christ himself, so those remarks are not saying Christians are better people than non-Christians, but just commenting that a particular action is following Christ's role model. As an atheist myself, I can't see how this comment is really hurtful.

I generally try to take what people say at face value unless I have good reason not to. I guess that would be my advice to you on not judging these people so harshly, but only if your judging people this way bothers you. I don't see anything wrong with using any criteria you choose when it comes to being patient in conversations or invitations to parties.

 

[Bushido216]

Kant would say that the gauge of morality is intent. If someone doesn't intend to upset you, you shouldn't treat them as though they had.

That being said, you're human. The difference isn't whether or not you're upset, but how you handle it. Be mature and you're fine.

 

[The Nihilist]

They're being condescending. I don't appreciate it, and I don't imagine you would either.

 

[Autumnleaf]

They're being condescending. I don't appreciate it, and I don't imagine you would either.

How Christian of you...

 

[Verv]

Perhaps people think that you are intentionally trying to offend them, and thus speak as such.

But I cannot speak for others and their intentions in their actions.

 

[shinbits]

I've always disliked when athiests spend millions of posts saying insulting things at Christians, then when a Chrstian gets frustrated once at all the uncivilized talk and returns the favor, the athiest plays the "oh, how Christian of you" card.

Christians are to hold to a higher standard; but we're still human. It's the height of hypocrisy whenever an athiest does that.

 

[Cabal]

Christ did say we would be judged by our own standards, not by anyone else's.

 

[The Nihilist]

I've always disliked when athiests spend millions of posts saying insulting things at Christians, then when a Chrstian gets frustrated once at all the uncivilized talk and returns the favor, the athiest plays the "oh, how Christian of you" card.

Christians are to hold to a higher standard; but we're still human. It's the height of hypocrisy whenever an athiest does that.

The height of it? Really?

 

[Mling]

Ummm....going back to the *actual* OP, and not the completely different interpretation which just came out of nowhere...

There are intentions behind intentions...and assumptions behind compliments.

At one point, it used to be a compliment of sorts to tell a black person that they were a "good n-----". The person saying it would think they were being nice, and praising the person. But it was based on the assumption that white people were superior to blacks, and meant that the black person was supporting that view by acting humble and subservient. Basically, it's "Thank you for letting my belief that I'm better than you go unchallenged."

This sounds like it's expressing a similar mindset. "I'm good and right; people who are different than me are bad and wrong. This person is acting good, and all good things are like me, therefore, he must be like me." So yeah, the person probably doesn't mean to insult you. They just don't see anything wrong with complementing somebody in a way which reinforces their own sense of self-importance.

If you were ask them why they assume that, though...and if they were really self aware, but still assuming they were the best thing in the world, they'd probably say something like finding a fellow Christian unexpectedly is like meeting a family member or club member, so they're always on the lookout for new relationships and bonds. Still, the camaraderie is based on the assumption "good = like me"


Treat it however you want...I wouldn't recommend launching into a lecture though. Maybe either treat it as your good deed for the day, to let them keep thinking that, or say "Actually, I'm not Christian," and leave it at that, unless they ask more. Me, I'll open up to a stranger, as long as they're asking questions, but I know not everybody's up to a personal conversation while they're trying to buy groceries or pump gas.

 

[Chesterton]

Is it ethical to treat someone slightly more negatively if they unintentionally offend or upset you, even if they meant their actions in a positive manner?

No, of course it's not.

One of the more offensive statements I hear on a weekly basis is "That was very Christian of you" or "You are more ethical than most Christians I know" or when not addressed to me statements like "I didn't expect that kind of behavior on a Christian site". It is very demeaning, and a constant reminder to me that people believe me to be a more savage and unethical beast because I don't share their beliefs in a god- in short it shows people view me as a second class citizen.

You have to admit at least, that a Christian is supposed to do or be something, which includes trying to be more ethical than average, I guess you could say. And as shinbits mentioned, non-Christians are often quick to throw that back in our face when we slip up or behave badly.

But as an atheist, there's really nothing you're "supposed" to do. It doesn't mean you or any atheist is a worse person, but at the same time, there's nothing in particular logically expected or required of an atheist in regard to ethics or morality.

Being an atheist means never having to say you're sorry.

 

[Beanieboy]

Maybe you can explain that you appreciate it, but ask them to imagine someone saying, "How very Muslim of you" from a Muslim, or "How very Buddhist of you!" from a Buddhist., or "How very Hindu of you" from a Hindu.

Immediately, their shackles will go up, thinking, "no, how very Christian of me!", and maybe then they can understand.

As a self labeled Buddhist, people often said I was far more Christian acting than many of the Christians on another board, and yeah, it feels weird. I don't want it to be a competition, possibly an inspiration to act more humanely. And that is probably what was being conveyed - that they were impressed.

However, I would also convey that you appreciate the sentiment, but that it is offensive, and try to get them to see why.

 

[b&wpac4]

and yet, if anyone says "How Jewish of you", it's almost always negative and about money.

 

[JCFantasy23]

If they're doing it in an insulting way - and I'm guessing they are from the post - then I would treat it as any other rude comment. I haven't had this said to me Thank God, as it would probably completely irritate me. I was with a group of friends on a Tuesday night last year and one of the girls and me started talking about her church, and I said something to her about church, just having a conversation. The only couple there that are not Christians is this one, where the husband is an atheist against any kind of belief system and the wife is a wiccan. Well, for some reason he turned on me and was like, oh like you're a perfect Christian, you're just a big Christian aren't you? all angrily. Where that came from, I don't know. I wasn't talking about what I do, or what a Christian should do, or judging, or offering advice on actions or anything that would merit that response. I was more dumbfounded than anything. I just took it as the reaction some atheists seem to have (anger) around Christians sometimes when some things are discussed.

It's best to just ignore these kinds of things, the issues are usually the other persons and not yours.

 

[RocketRed]

and yet, if anyone says "How Jewish of you", it's almost always negative and about money.

Exactly. In general, any "How [social group] of you" when used insultingly, is needlessly reductive and insulting. It also suggests that shared values means shared everything else. It assumes that all people of any given group act the same way. Which isn't true. And pretty unfair.

Some Christians act one way, others the other. To associate bad intentions or evil acts as being inherent to any religion is unfair to its followers and to its belief system.
I roll my eyes when I hear, "how Christian of you." I'm sure whatever bad trait being criticized would just as well exist in that person if they were Christian or not.
It annoys me to associate personality traits with any social group. It's a pet peeve of mine.

 

[Beanieboy]

and yet, if anyone says "How Jewish of you", it's almost always negative and about money.

Yes, usually to suggest cheating someone. That is a sad hateful accusation most likely begun by Christians, believers who claim to follow Jesus who commanded us to love our neighbor as ourselves.

The only real negative thing I have found from the Jewish community in general is something that you, b&wpac, may or may not experience during your conversion, which are those who are Israeli descended Jews that insist on labeling whether someone is a "real" Jew or not (converted Jew).

However, my denominations and sects class went to a synagogue as part of our learning, and I found the service like being at a family gathering, the people very kind and patient with out questions, humble, respectful of elders and the young, and so full of love.

Usually, when people say, "How Christian of you" to me, it is usually said in smugness, in condemnation, because it is said with sarcasm.

It is my wish that Christianity will become thought of in much the same way as I experienced my synagogue service. I used to pray for love, but now, I pray also for faith that this prayer is possible to make reality