It's me again, the 18 year old youth leader who never has any idea what she's doing.
I've had a lot of failures but last night was my lowest moment. We had a group prayer with the students, and I grew anxious and began trembling, stuttered a prayer that was just a mess of ideas and ended in an unfinished sentence. Our students are extremely passionate about Christ and are used to corporate prayer, so my fumble is even more unacceptable. When a discussion question was asked, I failed to take the opportunity to enlighten them with the words I knew God had given me. The small group turned into a surprise party and my social anxiety kicked in, I haven't been to a party in years. I scanned the room for opportunities to connect with and love on the kids just like the youth pastor, but I had absolutely no idea what to do and ended up shutting down. When I got home I cried until I fell asleep, which I've been doing a lot of lately because of how badly I want to be good enough.
I'm a failure at the thing that is most important to me. I've started to pray, and study, and listen, hoping I'll grow but it's like I only get worse the harder I try. I was only hired because I'm known for saying "deep" things, but lately it's like I can't access it when I need it, or say it properly when I do, let alone meet their expectations. I'm a socially awkward homeschooler, so I miss many cues and opportunities for connection, and lack experiences that an adult should know like how to lead a team across an Atlanta street, or how to order for a group at McDonald's. And, as you can tell, my public prayers are a disaster, which causes me to panic when it comes to praying for people. Even my worship can become forced and uncomfortable sometimes, especially if there's a lot of people around. Something doesn't feel right about leaving, but I can't tell whether things will get better if I try harder/trust God, or if things will only get worse from here until they finally just fire me. Any advice would be helpful.
I've had a lot of failures but last night was my lowest moment. We had a group prayer with the students, and I grew anxious and began trembling, stuttered a prayer that was just a mess of ideas and ended in an unfinished sentence. Our students are extremely passionate about Christ and are used to corporate prayer, so my fumble is even more unacceptable. When a discussion question was asked, I failed to take the opportunity to enlighten them with the words I knew God had given me. The small group turned into a surprise party and my social anxiety kicked in, I haven't been to a party in years. I scanned the room for opportunities to connect with and love on the kids just like the youth pastor, but I had absolutely no idea what to do and ended up shutting down. When I got home I cried until I fell asleep, which I've been doing a lot of lately because of how badly I want to be good enough.
I'm a failure at the thing that is most important to me. I've started to pray, and study, and listen, hoping I'll grow but it's like I only get worse the harder I try. I was only hired because I'm known for saying "deep" things, but lately it's like I can't access it when I need it, or say it properly when I do, let alone meet their expectations. I'm a socially awkward homeschooler, so I miss many cues and opportunities for connection, and lack experiences that an adult should know like how to lead a team across an Atlanta street, or how to order for a group at McDonald's. And, as you can tell, my public prayers are a disaster, which causes me to panic when it comes to praying for people. Even my worship can become forced and uncomfortable sometimes, especially if there's a lot of people around. Something doesn't feel right about leaving, but I can't tell whether things will get better if I try harder/trust God, or if things will only get worse from here until they finally just fire me. Any advice would be helpful.
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