How can we wisely deal with our hopes and feelings during a breakup?

[Trayalc]

My girlfriend of almost 14 months recently decided to end things between us. I had told her for the first time that I loved her the week before. She confessed to me that she is feeling confused and, while she hates it, she is unable to say "I love you" back to me for reasons unbeknownst to her. She decided she wanted to end things because she felt it was not fair to me for her to feel this way and continue the relationship. Her initial idea was for us to "take a break", but since we did not know what exactly that looks like, she decided to break up.

This breakup baffles me, and in many ways I'm still in disbelief. We are both Christian, Reformed, and aligned so well on so many values and beliefs. We enjoyed our time together; there was so much laughing. It just does not feel like things could possibly be over between us. It feels like too much was left unsaid. It feels like too lovely a thing was lost.

I talked to one of my church elders (who knows the both of us) about this, and it's his view that this was simply a moment of cold feet for her. Cold feet about the idea of marriage at this time. But he also encouraged me to center my hope on Christ, trusting that either God will bring us back together OR He has someone who is a better fit for the both of us. He also encouraged me by saying that several married couples in our church broke up for a time before coming back together and getting married. He even said that I could casually reach back out to her after a time of distance and space to see where things lead.

My original attitude towards this breakup was "assume you'll never see her again so that you can move on." It was a very bleak outlook based on fear and hurt. I don't think it came from faith. But my elder made me realize I ought not be presumptuous about the future at all, whether you're inordinantly hoping for a certain outcome or trying to cope with pain by despairing about a certain outcome. All too often there is the hope of reconciliation and reuniting with the one whom we have broken up with, the one we love. But we cannot cling to that as our sole hope. At the same time, I also don't think it's necessary or helpful to say "We are done forever, there is no hope for this relationship reconciling, I must accept and move on." It seems to me that is still being presumptuous about the future.

So, how do we practically keep a balance between these? Is it okay to hope for something that may not come true? Is it better to assume the worst? How do we always surrender our hopes to Jesus?

Plus, I would appreciate any other advice y'all may have on this breakup. Thanks!

 

[Shodan]

You don't have to make any assumptions at all. Go out with other people. This will -

• Give you something to do that doesn't involve obsessing about your (possibly ex-) girlfriend.
• If she is really the One For You, you and she will figure that out.
• If she isn't, then you and she can get on with finding The One.

FWIW I don't really believe there is any one person who is the one God picked out for you and if you don't marry that person you will be alone forever. I have been married for coming up on 43 years, rather happily, but if my wife had not fallen for my schtick I think some one else would have, and as long as we were otherwise compatible and both in agreement about how marriage in the eyes of God works, I would have been just as happy, just in different ways and with a different person.

Breakups suck, no doubt about that. But let her figure out whatever it is she needs to figure out. If that means a happy reunion six months from now, great. If not, then both of you can get on with your lives dating and having fun and meeting people who may or may not be The One.

My $0.02 worth, and cheap at half the price.

Regards,
Shodan

 

[timf]

If she is uncertain after 14 months, there could be a risk in "taking a break". Regardless if she has "cold feet" about you or about marriage in general, one needs to consider marriage as something that requires patience, kindness, and even humor but most of all a lifetime commitment.

 

[Trayalc]

If she is uncertain after 14 months, there could be a risk in "taking a break". Regardless if she has "cold feet" about you or about marriage in general, one needs to consider marriage as something that requires patience, kindness, and even humor but most of all a lifetime commitment.

May I ask why you said "there could be a risk in 'taking a break'"?

 

[Shodan]

May I ask why you said "there could be a risk in 'taking a break'"?

I hope this doesn't come across as harsh, but "taking a break" might be a way of letting you down easy. That is, you and she aren't going to get back together. But she doesn't want to say so - maybe she isn't sure herself.

But it's not a bad risk to take. If you and she never get back together, far, far better to figure that out now so you can both go on and date someone who you will both be sure about.

I know, it sux. But dating is the process by which people find out who they are compatible with. And frankly, most people, you won't be compatible with, nor they with you. Better now to find out, even with the heart break you are now feeling.

Again, I don't want to discourage you. Pretty much the opposite. Marriage, if that is your ultimate goal, needs to be something you both agree about.

My prayers for your heart. You sound sad, not bitter. That's good. You get over sad, but resentment is a lot harder to recover from.

Go out there and date. It's part of growing. And marriage works for grown ups.

Regards,
Shodan

 

[Learning always]

Don't be sad or anxious, the Lord has a plan for you, which is the best.
Pray, Learn, Hope, Trust.

 

[Aaron112]

Doesn't the Bible plainly say "If one of the partners WANTS to leave, let them go without even trying to stop them ?

 

[com7fy8]

Make good use of this time, with God.

 

[Zceptre]

Two things I want to offer from many years of learning from heartache when much younger.

One, we must must must have our identity in ourselves with Christ, and not anchored and dependent on another person and their opinion or we will need their approval 100% of the time, and almost no human is capable of that. (Almost... Lord Jesus is human also, so 1 person is capable only)

To identify ourself in another person puts heavy weight on them and on ourself. I struggled with this for some time long ago and have had much more God showed me over the years. If we are not ok with just Jesus and us, we can be a burden to others around us and/or in a relationship in needing them more than loving them.

Often, in addition to this, the most attractive person in the world is a person with ambition and has a direction in their mind, life, and heart, and for a Christian the most attractive ambition is to be close to God.

To love another fully and completely, we cannot need them to be perfect and always their best. We can't give up on our children (parenting) if they are not being perfect, because we love them. We then become a product of how the person in our relationship is feeling. If they are complimenting us, happy with us, focused on us, and meeting our needs, then we will love them more, and if they aren't, we will "love them" less.

This is all just things to pray about from my own experience.

Two, the best thing to be in a situation like that is her friend no matter what and to stick with it.

God sets this example with us in that He calls us friends when we certainly have not lived up to it. (John 15:15) Lord Jesus didn't rant and complain about the disciples running away when He rose the third day, but called them brothers. No matter how the disciples acted, Lord Jesus didn't change how He loved them, but loved them just the same and treated them as friends and brothers.

With "partners" we are seeking a close friend and if we are not the kind of friend Lord Jesus is, then we are not being a very good one.

If we aim to be a person's friend no matter what they decide then there is no confusion or effort involved, you always know exactly what to do, and you aren't demanding or expecting them to be something they aren't.

Even married couples are simply best friends, and so this is what I suggest to everyone with this kind of situation with confusion involved. Being the best friend a person can be is the easiest and best way to love someone and that seems to me to be exactly what we are trying to do in these situations.

Just some thoughts. Am praying for you!

 

[bèlla]

Women differ from men emotionally and in most instances feelings would have arrived. Whether she’s experienced or not. That’s how we’re wired. We don’t usually grow to love a man in the way a man grows to love a woman. We’re less reserved emotionally and usually know we’re feeling something.

It’s hard to say with certainty but 14 months is enough time to know if you like someone romantically. You may care for them as a person and they may tick a lot of boxes but the emotional connection is lacking and few will go forward in the hope that changes. When a woman loves a man there’s usually a passion. She wants more of him and offers herself in kind through loving acts and gestures. Oftentimes you see it in the way she looks at him and how she speaks when he’s around.

If she didn’t discuss her struggle before parting ways that’s significant. You can work out your difficulties while attached and discover how to surmount them when you’re committed. While the same can occur while separated it‘s usually more involved. She may question why she doesn’t share your feelings and try to understand or wonder if the same holds true with another.

Couples come together for many reasons. The ones less likely to make love foremost are those with a shared mission or emotional and financial hardships. Mutual support has a precedent. It doesn’t mean they’re lacking in other areas but when they’re considering someone as a potential spouse they’re less likely to be daunted if the romantic part hasn’t blossomed. They’re comfortable growing into it. I don’t want to give the impression one is better than the other. It’s a different heart position.

~bella

 

[com7fy8]

Get ready to receive her, in case she comes back.

Possibly, you have taken some things for granted . . . versus communicating with her. Learn how to communicate so you can understand people and not assume!

Of course, how many people do this . . . considering how near half of United States marriages turn into divorces?? So - - - trust God to change us so we communicate and do not only build up our own wishes without knowing how someone else really is.