Sometimes, it's hard to love my dad. He has too many issues, and although as a family we try to understand him, he doesn't seem to want to help himself. He wants to go with what he feels selfishly.
I thought that I got over hating him, but now I realize very clearly that no, I'm still not over my past traumas. I get angry when he comes into my room and asks what I'm doing when he already sees what I'm doing. I do understand the fact that he's not much of a talker other than repetitively saying something as a topic to his family. I hate the fact that I have to repeat to him several times about what I've just said. It's never once or twice - it's several times. And he gets really angry if I say, "I've said this ___ many times!" At least, he used to get super angry when I used to say it.
I think that I'm the one with so many problems. I can't stand it anymore. I want to get out of this house as fast as I can.
Why do I have to force myself to like someone? It just happens that he gets violently angry so that we have to pretend to get along and support him despite his flaws and problems that affect us. And I HATE it so much!!
I can't talk to him or my mom over this issue. They're not exactly good at talking it all out. If we do say that so and so is an issue, he gets super angry and flips out if it seems to be his fault. That's just it. He doesn't want to admit that he has issues.
Another thing- my grandmother passed away about four years ago, and I wasn't close with her. We lived very far away from her. I regret the fact that I didn't treat her right, but at the same time, I feel that it was right of me to be indifferent to her when she came to visit us because all she ever cared about in life was herself.
When she died, I knew that my dad was angry and upset, and it's normal for people to feel that way when their beloved ones pass on. But even after four years, he just randomly starts speaking about her in front of me at the most random times, and it irks me. It annoys me so much because he just mentions her, talks about what it would be like if grandma were still alive, and gets weepy, and it makes me feel like he wants me to feel the same way too. He does like to press on with what he likes, and it gets really annoying when he does that. I don't feel the same way, so I change the topic, but he just keeps on going at it with grandma.
It's not like I've never thought about grandma and what it would've been like if I treated her a bit better despite her selfishness.
I don't want to console him because it's awkward, and I don't think that children normally console their parents. Yet he wants someone to feel sorry for him, and I don't want to do that. It's not my job. It's always me who he talks to about grandma, and no one else, not even to mom. I also don't feel the same way about grandma's death.
My dad's mom was never good to her son, tbh.
If he does strike another match, I think this time I'll really heave the oil over. This time, if he really tries to do any funny business, I'll look straight over at his face, grab anything in my way, and destroy everything in sight. Or, I will abandon him and never return. That's how I really feel.
I hate myself for feeling so inadequate due to my past, and I hate myself for hating my parent.
I don't want to sound like one of those black comedy, parody characters with trauma issues, but it seems that I am one now. Reality is so unkind. Traumas are not to be made fun of, but a lot of people don't understand it, so they push people with trauma to suicide. I really could've died many times, and I'm still trying to hold onto my sanity. I don't want to end up like him or any of my relatives with too many issues.
In the end, I feel really selfish and disgusted about this because after all, he was the one who raised me, sent me to school... But there's more to life than that. He was also the one who mentally and physically abused me, and tortured our family with his selfishness. I just don't know how to feel about this person anymore. He expects me to pity him or treat him better, but he should know better because he's a middle aged man.
Dunno why there are some grown ups act who like foolish, immature children... I need to get over this or else I'll just be stuck with this issue forever. Please help, thank you.