How can I help my mum to like me?

[hopefulnebula]

Hi everybody,

This is a very selfish topic to make and I feel very ashamed at myself for feeling the need to make it. I don't feel comfortable going to my pastor or the lady in church who is seeing over my spiritual growth with this, in case they come to my house and try to stir things up to help me, because I know that will only make things worse. That's sort of one of the big reasons that got me to join this forum instead of just lurking - I need some Christian advice, but I feel that I can't go to my pastor, because he'll get the wrong idea.

So we're all totally clear on it, my mum is an atheist. She spent most of her life raising me as a single mother and even though she's never been a stunning mother (gave her sixteen year old a 4pm curfew and didn't let me get a phone until 18 despite having a job, but that's okay...), she's never been a bad mother either. When she got married, though, she started to become really stressed and she seems to be taking it out on me.

I don't know how to deal with her taking her stresses out on me, and I need a lot of support right now - the kind of support that only a mum can give, you know? I need somebody to cuddle me when I'm feeling down, but she's not there for that. She doesn't want to be the sort of mum who hugs her kids - she treats me like a boarder in this home, rather than like a daughter. For example, some of the things she does:

She makes me drive 20kms to buy her alcohol, and makes me pay for the fuel, and hits me and takes my phone away when I don't. She made me give her my iPod because hers broke, and won't let me buy a new one. She has made me rearrange everything in my wardrobe multiple times because she could't find what she was looking for (and would hit me and yell at me when I would tell her that I don't have what she's looking for...), she will always accuse me of doing the wrong thing. When our puppy slips up in her housebreaking, my mum will blame me and make me clean it up, even if I was out - and especially if I was out at church.

It's all little petty things that I know shouldn't bother me, and I know that I'm shallow for being bothered about them, but I can't help it. It seems like she offers me no support or consideration. I exhibit several of the signs of fibromyalgia, but she won't let me see a specialist (or even a normal GP) about it. When I get food poisoning or gastroenderitis, she tells me I'm a liar and takes my things away if I try to get to a doctor for antibiotics. I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, and she won't let me take my medication because she says that I'm making it up and I'm being an attention seeker and that I want things to be wrong with me.

I know, deep down, that I deserve it when she hits me. I know that if I were a better daughter, she wouldn't yell at me and she would like me more, but I just feel so horrible because she never supports me in anything. She explicitly said "I hate you right now and I feel like I don't want to even look at you" when I got accepted into university, and she frequently tells me that when I find a job, she's going to kick me out. I know that it's my fault, because I have never been a very good daughter for her, but I really do try and I just want her to acknowledge that I try to be a good daughter, even if I do always fail, but I don't know how to do that.

Umm ... so I guess what I'm asking is just what the title says, really. How do I get my mum to help me and understand that I'm not a liar when I feel sick / am in pain / am having anxiety attacks? How do I get her to love me again? How do I get her to stop hating me? I know it's shallow of me to ask when it's my fault that she hates me in the first place, but I can't stand being the only person I know whose mother hates them. I just want to know what it feels like to having a loving mum.

 

[Steffenfield]

Your God commands you to love your mother.

It hurts but just remember to humble yourself before Him.

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

[hopefulnebula]

Thank you for responding - and I do love my mother. I just want her to stop hating me. I love her more than anything - how could I not? She's my mother. I just wish that she would return some of that love, or even if she would just tolerate me rather than hate me.

 

[Steffenfield]

Your life will never be easy.

Take faith in your personal beauty and let everything else pass away.

 

[hopefulnebula]

Thank you. I try to just let it roll off my back... but it's hard.

 

[Steffenfield]

You're not alone here.

 

[hopefulnebula]

I can see that Thank you for your quick replies. Just knowing that what I'm saying is being heard, on its own, is some comfort.

 

[Steffenfield]

My mom denied me food.

It was horrible and I'm stilling living with her thoughts.

I still love her because that's the way it should be.

Again, your pain hits me right there in my soul.

I hope you make it through this.

You seem like a great girl that deserves the very best in life.

 

[hopefulnebula]

I'm sorry to hear that. Mum only doesn't let me eat when she's especially disappointed in me. It must have been hard for you. *hugs*

 

[Steffenfield]

Love yourself first and then find ways that will probably break your heart to love your mom on top of it all.

I'll pray for you dearest.

 

[hopefulnebula]

I don't understand why you keep telling me to love my mum when I already do love her with all of my heart...

 

[Catherineanne]

How do I get my mum to help me and understand that I'm not a liar when I feel sick / am in pain / am having anxiety attacks? How do I get her to love me again? How do I get her to stop hating me? I know it's shallow of me to ask when it's my fault that she hates me in the first place, but I can't stand being the only person I know whose mother hates them. I just want to know what it feels like to having a loving mum.

I am really sorry to have to say this, but your mum is vile. She is not a nice lady at all, and if she were not related to you, you would run a mile from having anything to do with her.

Sadly for you, you cannot stop loving her, and you cannot stop hoping that one day she will become the fantasy mum that you have in your mind.

Here is what I have found, from my own mum. The fantasy mum in your head is you, when you become a mother. Your own mother will never be anyone or anything other than who she is. This is not because she wants to treat you badly, but because whatever damage she has suffered in her own life makes her incapable of being any other way.

Do the best you can for her, but take responsibility for your own life. And the first step is to go and see your doctor. You do not need your mum's permission for this, and your doctor cannot tell her of your visit without your permission. Tell him what is happening at home as well; you need support around you. Friends, colleagues, a church and your doctor.

Toxic mothers are highly damaging creatures, and there are a lot more of them around than you might think.

I wish you well.

 

[Steffenfield]

Sorry.

 

[Catherineanne]

Your God commands you to love your mother.

This is not correct. We are not commanded to love our parents. We are commanded to honour them. The two are not the same.

Not all parents deserve love, but they all deserve to be given due honour. Sometimes, with toxic parents, that due honour involves protecting ourselves from further harm, while doing what duty requires us to do in relation to them.

The first duty we have is to protect ourselves. That may feel wrong, but nonetheless it is true, for any adult. If we do not protect ourselves, nobody else will.

 

[gladtobesaved]

Sometimes, with toxic parents, that due honour involves protecting ourselves from further harm, while doing what duty requires us to do in relation to them.

The first duty we have is to protect ourselves. That may feel wrong, but nonetheless it is true, for any adult. If we do not protect ourselves, nobody else will.

Catherineanne,you are SO right. Some parents can be toxic,& as adults,however hard this may prove to be,(in love) we need to protect ourselves.

hopefulnebula=I don't understand why you keep telling me to love my mum when I already do love her with all of my heart...

I'm sure that you do, hopefulnebula. What you are suffering from is approval addiction,from your mother. You're NOT responsible for the actions of your mother (only your OWN)

 

[belongingtojesus]

Ok I don't want to critizise the advice you have been given above but it is just plain unhelpful. Of course you love your mum - that's part of the problem! It's not an equal relationship....you are desperately trying to get love from someone who due to their own brokeness can't meet your needs. This is exactly the sort of thing Jesus died for - there has to be an exchange at the cross where he took all our pain, sin and shame. The only answer for you is to pour out your heart to Him...he knows that you are hurt and desperate for her love. Let Him touch those areas where you hurt and ask him to heal your heart.....only then can you begin to forgive her!!! Love you x

 

[Happy Orthodox]

I'm sorry to hear that, HN, but sadly, as Catherineanne said, it's almost impossible to change your mother with your own methods. The only one who can do that is God. Pray for your mother every day, and treat her as a sick person that is sick spiritually, and ask God to heal her from her sickness. And you, however hard it sounds, don't expect her to be any other way or to change right away. This is the mother God gave you, for your own good, she is your cross that you have to carry all your life. And if you do it right, you will reach great joy and love that only God can give.

The other thing is, grow up and take care of your own life. Finish college, get a job, move out, leave her alone if she wants that. Continue praying for her and helping her when she needs it without expecting anything in return, because this is the right way to do good, and you'll see a light in your soul when you do that. Make your love cover for both of you, and it'll give you strength and help you endure.

And don't let this make you feel down and drag your life down. Do what you have to do for your self, if you want to start a family or a career, or both, do what feels right.

I pray that God gives you strength, and I honestly admire you for your bravery.