H
hopefulnebula
Guest
Hi everybody,
This is a very selfish topic to make and I feel very ashamed at myself for feeling the need to make it. I don't feel comfortable going to my pastor or the lady in church who is seeing over my spiritual growth with this, in case they come to my house and try to stir things up to help me, because I know that will only make things worse. That's sort of one of the big reasons that got me to join this forum instead of just lurking - I need some Christian advice, but I feel that I can't go to my pastor, because he'll get the wrong idea.
So we're all totally clear on it, my mum is an atheist. She spent most of her life raising me as a single mother and even though she's never been a stunning mother (gave her sixteen year old a 4pm curfew and didn't let me get a phone until 18 despite having a job, but that's okay...), she's never been a bad mother either. When she got married, though, she started to become really stressed and she seems to be taking it out on me.
I don't know how to deal with her taking her stresses out on me, and I need a lot of support right now - the kind of support that only a mum can give, you know? I need somebody to cuddle me when I'm feeling down, but she's not there for that. She doesn't want to be the sort of mum who hugs her kids - she treats me like a boarder in this home, rather than like a daughter. For example, some of the things she does:
She makes me drive 20kms to buy her alcohol, and makes me pay for the fuel, and hits me and takes my phone away when I don't. She made me give her my iPod because hers broke, and won't let me buy a new one. She has made me rearrange everything in my wardrobe multiple times because she could't find what she was looking for (and would hit me and yell at me when I would tell her that I don't have what she's looking for...), she will always accuse me of doing the wrong thing. When our puppy slips up in her housebreaking, my mum will blame me and make me clean it up, even if I was out - and especially if I was out at church.
It's all little petty things that I know shouldn't bother me, and I know that I'm shallow for being bothered about them, but I can't help it. It seems like she offers me no support or consideration. I exhibit several of the signs of fibromyalgia, but she won't let me see a specialist (or even a normal GP) about it. When I get food poisoning or gastroenderitis, she tells me I'm a liar and takes my things away if I try to get to a doctor for antibiotics. I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, and she won't let me take my medication because she says that I'm making it up and I'm being an attention seeker and that I want things to be wrong with me.
I know, deep down, that I deserve it when she hits me. I know that if I were a better daughter, she wouldn't yell at me and she would like me more, but I just feel so horrible because she never supports me in anything. She explicitly said "I hate you right now and I feel like I don't want to even look at you" when I got accepted into university, and she frequently tells me that when I find a job, she's going to kick me out. I know that it's my fault, because I have never been a very good daughter for her, but I really do try and I just want her to acknowledge that I try to be a good daughter, even if I do always fail, but I don't know how to do that.
Umm ... so I guess what I'm asking is just what the title says, really. How do I get my mum to help me and understand that I'm not a liar when I feel sick / am in pain / am having anxiety attacks? How do I get her to love me again? How do I get her to stop hating me? I know it's shallow of me to ask when it's my fault that she hates me in the first place, but I can't stand being the only person I know whose mother hates them. I just want to know what it feels like to having a loving mum.
This is a very selfish topic to make and I feel very ashamed at myself for feeling the need to make it. I don't feel comfortable going to my pastor or the lady in church who is seeing over my spiritual growth with this, in case they come to my house and try to stir things up to help me, because I know that will only make things worse. That's sort of one of the big reasons that got me to join this forum instead of just lurking - I need some Christian advice, but I feel that I can't go to my pastor, because he'll get the wrong idea.
So we're all totally clear on it, my mum is an atheist. She spent most of her life raising me as a single mother and even though she's never been a stunning mother (gave her sixteen year old a 4pm curfew and didn't let me get a phone until 18 despite having a job, but that's okay...), she's never been a bad mother either. When she got married, though, she started to become really stressed and she seems to be taking it out on me.
I don't know how to deal with her taking her stresses out on me, and I need a lot of support right now - the kind of support that only a mum can give, you know? I need somebody to cuddle me when I'm feeling down, but she's not there for that. She doesn't want to be the sort of mum who hugs her kids - she treats me like a boarder in this home, rather than like a daughter. For example, some of the things she does:
She makes me drive 20kms to buy her alcohol, and makes me pay for the fuel, and hits me and takes my phone away when I don't. She made me give her my iPod because hers broke, and won't let me buy a new one. She has made me rearrange everything in my wardrobe multiple times because she could't find what she was looking for (and would hit me and yell at me when I would tell her that I don't have what she's looking for...), she will always accuse me of doing the wrong thing. When our puppy slips up in her housebreaking, my mum will blame me and make me clean it up, even if I was out - and especially if I was out at church.
It's all little petty things that I know shouldn't bother me, and I know that I'm shallow for being bothered about them, but I can't help it. It seems like she offers me no support or consideration. I exhibit several of the signs of fibromyalgia, but she won't let me see a specialist (or even a normal GP) about it. When I get food poisoning or gastroenderitis, she tells me I'm a liar and takes my things away if I try to get to a doctor for antibiotics. I've been diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, and she won't let me take my medication because she says that I'm making it up and I'm being an attention seeker and that I want things to be wrong with me.
I know, deep down, that I deserve it when she hits me. I know that if I were a better daughter, she wouldn't yell at me and she would like me more, but I just feel so horrible because she never supports me in anything. She explicitly said "I hate you right now and I feel like I don't want to even look at you" when I got accepted into university, and she frequently tells me that when I find a job, she's going to kick me out. I know that it's my fault, because I have never been a very good daughter for her, but I really do try and I just want her to acknowledge that I try to be a good daughter, even if I do always fail, but I don't know how to do that.
Umm ... so I guess what I'm asking is just what the title says, really. How do I get my mum to help me and understand that I'm not a liar when I feel sick / am in pain / am having anxiety attacks? How do I get her to love me again? How do I get her to stop hating me? I know it's shallow of me to ask when it's my fault that she hates me in the first place, but I can't stand being the only person I know whose mother hates them. I just want to know what it feels like to having a loving mum.
