So but a lot of circumstances in life have left me feeling numb.
Just a little over a year and a half ago, I reached the point where I thought I was going crazy and actually thought about checking myself into a mental hospital. I had broken up with my then-boyfriend of three years, had a horrible relationship with my parents (especially my mother who I believe had been mentally/sometimes physically abusive growing up), and had just graduated college and was left with a job that I was less than excited about. After all this I think I had a near mental breakdown and what was probably the lowest I've felt in life. I just cried and prayed like I never had before.
Through God's grace, my life had dramatically shifted towards the better over the past year. I've made a lot of changes in my attitude and relationship with God. Opportunities aligned so that I was able to get a new job with much better career prospects, move out of my house into my own apartment, and actually have a decent relationship with my parents.
Lately, however, I've been feeling incredibly apathetic and emotionless towards everything. I'm not sure if it had to do with my breakup- my ex had told me he had intentions of marrying me, but at the time I just wasn't ready and knew we both had a lot of growth and maturing we needed spiritually and in other aspects of our lives. Although I said a lot of harsh words during our breakup, I expected for us to eventually get back together and marry one day. I apologized, but my ex refused to speak to me again and I just heard from a friend he's just gotten engaged to someone else. Throughout the past year, I've just been forcing myself to get over it.
Before all this, the old me used to have an very firey personality (and temper not to mention), would be the type of person to plan travel and events for my friends, and have a lot of goals and dreams for the future. For the past couple months though, I find myself unable to be excited about anything. It's very hard for me to feel emotional about anything (happy, sad, angry, surprised, etc.) unless something triggers what I went through. I just tried skydiving a week ago and was literally forcing myself to feel excited or even scared.
I have had quite a few guys that are interested in me but none of them are Christian or people I'd want a relationship with anyway. I end up shutting them out because I feel like they'll just think I'm leading them on. I'm very friendly and open but whenever friends ask me out I decline because I'm just uninterested or feel that it's exhausting. I have plans to take my masters, but feel incredibly unmotivated to begin studies.
I'm taking care of myself, praying and reading the Bible, and hoping this is just a phase. I'm not complaining and grateful that after everything life is going smoothly now, but it just feels empty. I'm not suicidal either, but if I knew I were dying tomorrow, I'd be OK with it. I don't know if this is depression or what- I just don't feel anything really, and I don't know what to do about it.
Just a little over a year and a half ago, I reached the point where I thought I was going crazy and actually thought about checking myself into a mental hospital. I had broken up with my then-boyfriend of three years, had a horrible relationship with my parents (especially my mother who I believe had been mentally/sometimes physically abusive growing up), and had just graduated college and was left with a job that I was less than excited about. After all this I think I had a near mental breakdown and what was probably the lowest I've felt in life. I just cried and prayed like I never had before.
Through God's grace, my life had dramatically shifted towards the better over the past year. I've made a lot of changes in my attitude and relationship with God. Opportunities aligned so that I was able to get a new job with much better career prospects, move out of my house into my own apartment, and actually have a decent relationship with my parents.
Lately, however, I've been feeling incredibly apathetic and emotionless towards everything. I'm not sure if it had to do with my breakup- my ex had told me he had intentions of marrying me, but at the time I just wasn't ready and knew we both had a lot of growth and maturing we needed spiritually and in other aspects of our lives. Although I said a lot of harsh words during our breakup, I expected for us to eventually get back together and marry one day. I apologized, but my ex refused to speak to me again and I just heard from a friend he's just gotten engaged to someone else. Throughout the past year, I've just been forcing myself to get over it.
Before all this, the old me used to have an very firey personality (and temper not to mention), would be the type of person to plan travel and events for my friends, and have a lot of goals and dreams for the future. For the past couple months though, I find myself unable to be excited about anything. It's very hard for me to feel emotional about anything (happy, sad, angry, surprised, etc.) unless something triggers what I went through. I just tried skydiving a week ago and was literally forcing myself to feel excited or even scared.
I have had quite a few guys that are interested in me but none of them are Christian or people I'd want a relationship with anyway. I end up shutting them out because I feel like they'll just think I'm leading them on. I'm very friendly and open but whenever friends ask me out I decline because I'm just uninterested or feel that it's exhausting. I have plans to take my masters, but feel incredibly unmotivated to begin studies.
I'm taking care of myself, praying and reading the Bible, and hoping this is just a phase. I'm not complaining and grateful that after everything life is going smoothly now, but it just feels empty. I'm not suicidal either, but if I knew I were dying tomorrow, I'd be OK with it. I don't know if this is depression or what- I just don't feel anything really, and I don't know what to do about it.
