How can a decent woman do this...

[RileyG]

You cannot control other people's thoughts. You have no control if someone lusts over you or not.
Blessings

 

[peaceful-forest]

Definitely, not all men lust after her but she says the ones that do, end up looking at her chest instead of her face although she is always decently dressed. I think she doesn't want any man to lust after her in this way. She is trying to do what she can to help the ones that deal with lust because she has dealt with it in the past herself (I think).

I don't think there's anything she can do.

The problem is on the man. Men that do this need to take responsibility. This lust problem needs to quit being dumped on the woman.

 

[Sabri]

It is important to understand the difference between the sexuality of males and females. Males are aroused by sight, while females are aroused by touch. Men admiring women is part of the ordinary sex drive. There is a difference between noticing an attractive woman and leering at her in a creepy way. If a woman makes the effort to choose clothing and to maintain her figure in a way to make herself attractive as an alternative to being an obese frump, then she would be unreasonable in her expectation that men would not be attracted to her various attributes. The only men who wouldn't would be gay, and they would be attracted to the attributes of other males.

I think this thing about berating men because they find the woman attractive comes from man-hating ultra feminism, coming from women who have gone to great lengths to make themselves unattractive and "butch", as many lesbian females have done. If a female berated me for looking at her (which hasn't happened to me), I would respond by telling her "Once you've seen one, you've seen them all, so there is nothing too special about you!"

Lol! I think it’s natural for men and women to look at someone that’s attractive. It’s a part of the way that God has made us. To like the opposite sex. However, lewd comments is something different. Some people cross the boundary. They don’t know how to look without wanting the rest. It turns diabolical when they cross over from understanding they cannot have the woman or man because their married or they don’t feel the same way. That’s when you get stalkers and such. They want what they want.

 

[Sabri]

I refuse to flirt with a woman I know to be married. There's nowhere to go with that. And in my book, a committed relationship with a boyfriend is effectively married for that purpose.

In fact, if there is a woman I find attractive, the last thing I would want to do is to compromise her dignity in any way.

I wish to make a request: can we please refrain from speaking of sexuality and sexual attraction in disparaging terms? Is finding a woman attractive a "deed of the flesh" that needs to be mortified? That kind of talk reflects poorly on all of us.

Just so you know: I come into contact with beautiful women all the time on the dance floor and in nightclubs. It comes with the territory, especially if you are a skilled dancer as I am. I have way too much respect for these women to treat them like toys to be lusted after.

Edit: it is lust that is the problem, not attraction. It is our responsibility to treat women as beings of their own, with all the reasoning capabilities and agency that us men have. It is not her responsibility to make herself less attractive in a vain attempt to avoid lust.

I commend you. You know who you are and stand on it. Most brothers are awestruck by beautiful women even if they are married. But i agree finding someone attractive is not a sin. Lusting after the person wanting them in a way which isn’t appropriate is a sin

 

[ZephBonkerer]

I commend you. You know who you are and stand on it. Most brothers are awestruck by beautiful women even if they are married. But i agree finding someone attractive is not a sin. Lusting after the person wanting them in a way which isn’t appropriate is a sin

I say this not as a means to signal my own virtue, but because this is truly how I feel: I would rather eat lead than to dishonor a beautiful woman. I really would.

Part of that is understanding sin for what it really is. Sin destroys relationships and it destroys people.

 

[Sabri]

Wow! Brother, thank you. It’s refreshing to hear from a godly man say those words. Sin absolutely destroys relationships even with the best intentions. I have found it out the hard way. Wanting to be friends or be okay with men who have other intentions towards you is impossible. I tried to make someone who was attracted to me just be a platonic friends or brother to me. He couldn’t and the relationship went haywire. This was one of my biggest mistakes i have made in my entire life. Sin destroys people.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

Wow! Brother, thank you. It’s refreshing to hear from a godly man say those words. Sin absolutely destroys relationships even with the best intentions. I have found it out the hard way. Wanting to be friends or be okay with men who have other intentions towards you is impossible. I tried to make someone who was attracted to me just be a platonic friends or brother to me. He couldn’t and the relationship went haywire. This was one of my biggest mistakes i have made in my entire life. Sin destroys people.

It sounds like this man was not allowing you the agency to determine what is best for you. He had a role in mind for you, but you determined it wasn't in your best interest to take it. So you turned it down and he resented you for it.

We can't just treat others around us as if they are just background characters in a motion picture starring ourselves.

 

[Sabri]

Well said. It was absolutely that. He wanted something from me that involved his controlling me in turn using control to make me become his next protégé/ partner. Or the star in his own production. Because i wouldn’t acquiesce to the role. He became jealous enraged not to mention retaliation. His feeling of being rejection turned into hatred and caused him to utilize diabolical resources to exact revenge. Some of what i experienced I can’t talk about it. I have since forgiven him. But I don’t understand it. I want you so bad and because i can’t have you I hate you.

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

I don't think there's anything she can do.

The problem is on the man. Men that do this need to take responsibility. This lust problem needs to quit being dumped on the woman.

I agree with your last sentence. I think as men we can see, but not look. It is that second look that can be a problem. I think it is also an error to view the man as a pervert because he looks at a woman. I think that there is much influence coming from man-hating feminists and lesbians who view men as disgusting creatures who would not hesitate to get a leg over if they had half a chance. The truth is that genuinely converted men have a different heart and spirit and are careful not to allow lustful thoughts when looking at a woman.

 

[Petros2015]

But I don’t understand it. I want you so bad and because i can’t have you I hate you.

That's an addiction response; to him you are a dealer who refused to give him the ego-hit or the lust hit he was after. Internally, there's something probably like shame buried deeply and trying to express itself, but it's contorted into targeted anger rather than repentance when rejection is experienced. It's actually deep seated self-hatred getting projected at you since it's easier to throw excrement than to swallow it.

...Stop men from lusting after her?

Well, there are a couple options - we could take down the internet and TV stations that are training men to lust after her/you. When men experience instant gratification through these media, some get confused when reality doesn't mirror fantasy, then they get angry because reality isn't following the script they've been watching 24-7 and have gotten hooked on when the expectation bubble gets busted. We'll probably need something along the lines of a pretty massive Solar Flare for that, or you might be able to convince one of the newer AIs to do it for you once they are a little older (end of year maybe? they are still newborns)

Option #2 is probably a little easier - hang around a younger more attractive woman who wears less than you do.

 

[ZephBonkerer]

Well said. It was absolutely that. He wanted something from me that involved his controlling me in turn using control to make me become his next protégé/ partner. Or the star in his own production. Because i wouldn’t acquiesce to the role. He became jealous enraged not to mention retaliation. His feeling of being rejection turned into hatred and caused him to utilize diabolical resources to exact revenge. Some of what i experienced I can’t talk about it. I have since forgiven him. But I don’t understand it. I want you so bad and because i can’t have you I hate you.

That sort of thing is what I've heard a lot of from women who have divorced and escaped abusive husband. Men like this don't do love. They are narcissists.

 

[Sabri]

The bad thing is this guy was married. But in his mind that didn’t matter. He wasn’t ok with our relationship being brother and sister. Or even just friends. God knows and I am ok now. I understand that it’s hard for men and women to be friends even if they are married. I have some guys who are a genuine brothers to me. They don’t have an ulterior motive for our friendship which is cool.

 

[Sabri]

The bad thing is this guy was married. But in his mind that didn’t matter. He wasn’t ok with our relationship being brother and sister. Or even just friends. God knows and I am ok now. I understand that it’s hard for men and women to be friends even if they are married. I have some guys who are a genuine brothers to me. They don’t have an ulterior motive for our friendship which is cool.

The bad thing is this guy was married. But in his mind that didn’t matter. He wasn’t ok with our relationship being brother and sister. Or even just friends. God knows and I am ok now. I understand that it’s hard for men and women to be friends even if they are married. I have some guys who are a genuine brothers to me. They don’t have an ulterior motive for our friendship which is cool.

I agree, when you say it was an addiction. Today that man still pursues me in his own way. I don’t understand. It’s very much so diabolical. It’s an obsession. He has a family that loves him immensely. Why does he need me. He’s older and has some health issues which results in him not being able to perform like young men, Ed. I believe that’s what the self-hatred turned on me is about. His Shame of feeling rejection due to his own history of prostrate cancer. Also, this man is seen as a hero of sorts a legend in his career. In his mind he wanted us to have a relationship and knew how he wanted it to play out. However, when i rejected him he thought it was because he could not function. So in part his anger is directed towards his self but then directed towards me because as a young woman having a healthy sex life in a relationship is one of my top priorities. The truth is the rejection came from me valuing my marriage and the sanctity of marriage. I apologized because our relationship became toxic in a way in which it never would have been if boundaries were drawn. However, in the end I would not want to hurt my husband or his wife. Friendships with men and women can be sticky and turn into inordinate affection very fast.. I am grateful for the Mercy and grace God shown me. I dont blame him for everything i played a part as well. I just pray for him to turn And repent. I am happy with my family, i understand the mistakes i made but I want him to be happy with his and forget about me. This is the consequence of sin. In his race for revenge or for me to feel his pain of rejection he has hurt me.. in a way in which i didn’t know I could be hurt. I characterize the last 9 months of my life being close to this move i saw. This slave owner falls in love with his slave. He’s married but he loves this slave so much that when she runs away he beats her- he beats her until she’s lifeless. All the while he’s beating her he’s telling her how much he loves her. This man used to yell at me “I care for you” he would be enraged and would yell to the top of his voice how much he cared for me when i didn’t do something he wanted me to do. We were in a professional relationship which soon turned into something else. When he started to exact revenge on me when i pulled back -I couldn’t understand how he could say he cared but then hurt me. I understand now. Sin takes you further than you want to go. He has shown me an evil that i never imagined existed. The things that he did to me and my husband are unspeakable. I am humbled by this process. I understand the concept of being one with your spouse and your spouse only. Even if you think you have done it in your heart sin shows you the bond which connects you to evil is strong. It takes the power of God to sever every ungodly tie.

 

[Petros2015]

I characterize the last 9 months of my life being close to this move i saw. This slave owner falls in love with his slave. He’s married but he loves this slave so much that when she runs away he beats her- he beats her until she’s lifeless. All the while he’s beating her he’s telling her how much he loves her. This man used to yell at me “I care for you” he would be enraged and would yell to the top of his voice how much he cared for me when i didn’t do something he wanted me to do. We were in a professional relationship which soon turned into something else. When he started to exact revenge on me when i pulled back -I couldn’t understand how he could say he cared but then hurt me. I understand now.

Uff. That sounds brutal. May God grant you and all involved full deliverance from it.

 

[Sabri]

Amen!

 

[Petros2015]

This man used to yell at me “I care for you”

“There is something in natural affection which will lead it on to eternal love more easily than natural appetite could be led on. But there's also something in it which makes it easier to stop at the natural level and mistake it for the heavenly. Brass is mistaken for gold more easily than clay is. And if it finally refuses conversion its corruption will be worse than the corruption of what ye call the lower passions. It is a stronger angel, and therefor, when it falls, a fiercer devil.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce