God is good
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I am a christian too and I have bad thoughts too and I am going to be praying for you and please pray for me to stay with God and the good Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus is Lord
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Kristen.NewCreation and FreeinChrist
I am a christian too and I have bad thoughts too and I am going to be praying for you and please pray for me to stay with God and the good Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus is LordSo How are you doing so far? I have been going through this for like almost 4 months now. And man has it been a battle. So crazy how this can happen.... I Love the Lord Jesus Christ with all.my heart. Its so difficult to have to deal with. By the grace of God i have been able to get back in the word of God, but its the most scary thing ever. No Born again Jesus Loving God fearing Christian would ever want to think or even imagine what the enemy can throw into your mindits really sad and i Pray to the dear Lord for grace and strength each day.
If it makes you feel better I experience barrages of these horrible thoughts every single day, some more than others. All I can do is ask for forgiveness, that God would close off all doors to myself permanently and cast these thoughts as far as possible from me and replace them with His Presence. God has been helping me, and it encourages me to know others are going through it.
John Bunyan also went through the SAME thing and he writes about it in his book The Pilgrim's Progress:
"A very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before. It came stealing upon me, now by one piece and then by another. First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized me; after which whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the Scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment.
They did so overweigh my heart both with their number, continuance and fiery force that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me, and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else. I also concluded that God had, in wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them as with a mighty whirlwind. Only by the distaste they gave to my spirit did I feel there was something in me that refused to embrace them.
While I was in this torment, I often found in my mind a sudden urge to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, Christ His Son, or of the Scriptures. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil. At other times, I thought I would lose my mind; for instead of praising and magnifying the Lord with others, if I but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him. So whether I did think that God was, or again did think there was no such thing as God, no love, peace or gracious disposition could I feel within me. These things did sink me into very deep despair, for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found among those who loved God.
In these days, when I heard others talk of what the sin against the Holy Spirit was, then the tempter would so provoke me to desire to sin that particular sin that it was as if I could not, must not, neither would be quiet until I had committed it. Now no sin would serve but that one. If it were to be committed by the speaking of such a word, then it was if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or not. In so strong a measure was this temptation upon me that often I have been ready to clap my hands under my chin to hold my mouth from opening. To that end also I have had thoughts at other times to leap with my head downward into some muck hole or other to keep my mouth from speaking."
Hi, I have this same problem and I have no idea if I accidentally said something or really quietly under my breath, I'm terrified and feel as though my mouth is cold, do you have any help on this? :'(If it makes you feel better I experience barrages of these horrible thoughts every single day, some more than others. All I can do is ask for forgiveness, that God would close off all doors to myself permanently and cast these thoughts as far as possible from me and replace them with His Presence. God has been helping me, and it encourages me to know others are going through it.
John Bunyan also went through the SAME thing and he writes about it in his book The Pilgrim's Progress:
"A very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before. It came stealing upon me, now by one piece and then by another. First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized me; after which whole floods of blasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the Scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment.
They did so overweigh my heart both with their number, continuance and fiery force that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me, and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else. I also concluded that God had, in wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them as with a mighty whirlwind. Only by the distaste they gave to my spirit did I feel there was something in me that refused to embrace them.
While I was in this torment, I often found in my mind a sudden urge to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, Christ His Son, or of the Scriptures. Now I thought, surely I am possessed of the devil. At other times, I thought I would lose my mind; for instead of praising and magnifying the Lord with others, if I but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him. So whether I did think that God was, or again did think there was no such thing as God, no love, peace or gracious disposition could I feel within me. These things did sink me into very deep despair, for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found among those who loved God.
In these days, when I heard others talk of what the sin against the Holy Spirit was, then the tempter would so provoke me to desire to sin that particular sin that it was as if I could not, must not, neither would be quiet until I had committed it. Now no sin would serve but that one. If it were to be committed by the speaking of such a word, then it was if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or not. In so strong a measure was this temptation upon me that often I have been ready to clap my hands under my chin to hold my mouth from opening. To that end also I have had thoughts at other times to leap with my head downward into some muck hole or other to keep my mouth from speaking."
Just want to say went to church tonight and feel so much better had people pray over me and one guy even got a word for me for the holy Spirit that was dead on! And I feel so much better, there is hope. Praying for you all, love you all, we are a FAMILY in Jesus Christ!I am praying for everyone on this thread. I suffer from intrusive thoughts. It has been a very, very difficult situation. I know one thing, and that is through it all we can trust God and cling on to Him. I know in the end all I want to do is to see my Savior. On certain days my mind is in a battle, but through it all my Savior is still there. My Savior loves me and I will walk towards Him day by day, no matter what my mind may tell me.
The key is FAITH. We need to rely on God even when the circumstances are tough. I have been where you are. I am praying for everyone who is struggling. We can get through this with Christ.
My days with this go up and down, but I know my God is with me. He is with you too.
If anyone needs to talk, please contact me.
Glad to hear that you are doing better....OCD can be really hard to fight but one thing that I've learned is that it is NOT a spiritual issue, but rather a mental one. (Not to say that Satan can't use it against us, it just isn't evil in and of itself.) If you find yourself still struggling, keep researching OCD and specifically ERP therapy, and keep reaching out on here with questions. Many of us have been through similar obsessive themes, if not the same exact one. You also might want to research Jackie Lea Sommer's page - she has a blog and a ton of resources about OCD, and she suffered from blasphemous thoughts as well. Dr. Ian Osborn's page, ocdandchristianity.com, is another great resource.Just want to say went to church tonight and feel so much better had people pray over me and one guy even got a word for me for the holy Spirit that was dead on! And I feel so much better, there is hope. Praying for you all, love you all, we are a FAMILY in Jesus Christ!
Glad to hear that you are doing better....OCD can be really hard to fight but one thing that I've learned is that it is NOT a spiritual issue, but rather a mental one. (Not to say that Satan can't use it against us, it just isn't evil in and of itself.) If you find yourself still struggling, keep researching OCD and specifically ERP therapy, and keep reaching out on here with questions. Many of us have been through similar obsessive themes, if not the same exact one. You also might want to research Jackie Lea Sommer's page - she has a blog and a ton of resources about OCD, and she suffered from blasphemous thoughts as well. Dr. Ianbad Osborn's page, ocdandchristianity.com, is another great resource.
John 14.1-27 and Psalm 46 are strengthening passages for believers who lack peace of mind.I am praying for everyone on this thread. I suffer from intrusive thoughts. It has been a very, very difficult situation. I know one thing, and that is through it all we can trust God and cling on to Him. I know in the end all I want to do is to see my Savior. On certain days my mind is in a battle, but through it all my Savior is still there. My Savior loves me and I will walk towards Him day by day, no matter what my mind may tell me.
The key is FAITH. We need to rely on God even when the circumstances are tough. I have been where you are. I am praying for everyone who is struggling. We can get through this with Christ.
My days with this go up and down, but I know my God is with me. He is with you too.
If anyone needs to talk, please contact me.
I'm so blessed to have found this forum. Thought for SURE I was the only person alive who was struggling with this difficult situation.
No, you are definitely not alone! Learn all you can about OCD, and about fighting it using ERP therapy!I'm so blessed to have found this forum. Thought for SURE I was the only person alive who was struggling with this difficult situation. I know that God will see us through, and that the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross shows His infinite mercy and love. God bless to all.
I experience This and this horribleness disconnection from God. Like you I commit a bad thought sin one day and started getting attacked and feeling disconnected. It’s been 9 months. I’m in torture. I pray for restoration soon .
I could use prayer. I have been suffering with depersonalization since around July of 2017. I need lots of prayers. It was an OCD storm that led me to depersonalization. I want to follow God and feel his presence. Please pray for me. My life is a mess right now.
Hi there
Hi there
I have been here a few times and the last times things were better...it all just seems so up and down....I suffer from blasphemous thoughts so horrific it makes me wonder how I even managed to be able to think these things in the first place.
This has been going on for about a year now...It started when I felt flat one day and spoke out loud to God saying that Satan's world is easier...(I didn't mean that I wanted anything to do with the enemy...I just didn't understand what was so wrong with sin)....I wanted to build a nice big house...have a bunch of nice things....and I felt guilty wanting those things I just didn't understand what life was all about....well I went inside opened up my bible and the first thing I read was a chapter where God was saying something like...you are my enemy..you pretend around my people and ended with the words...I will never let you in the garden where I would have offered you rest...I can't remember where in the bible this was as I closed my bible in fear and burst out crying asking him for forgiveness....certain that this was God talking directly to me...and why wouldn't he after what I said....afterall isn't the bible how God speaks to us?....I spent days feeling utterly cast out and terrified...I was a new christian too...I had not been in relationship long with God before all this started....
In about 0.5 seconds I understood the scripture...what does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul....I had just lost God (or so I thought)...eternally...who cares about a stupid house....and right now...from that day onward...I have been utterly completly cured of any materialism...All I want is God...absolutely nothing more or less...just him...thats it....but unfortunately the fun (not really fun) was just about to get started...
During this time a massive doorway must have been opened to the enemy because horrible thoughts started to happen....(before this day I never had any bad thoughts at all)...you h*** God....you h*** Jesus....the thoughts started....I was petrified...I started trying to read my bible but thought I'd play it safe by starting with the new testament...(I had become frightened of the old testament)...I had no sooner started Matthew and was reading about when Herod was looking for baby Jesus and this thought came ....you wanted him to find the baby.....like what??? I'm sure these thoughts were demonic...because I had thoughts like...this is what it feels like when God forsakes you...and one eerie thought that went like...haha your dead...it was horrifying and I truelly felt that I had been cast away....
At this time I had no idea we were in a spiritual war...I thought all these thoughts were mine...I'm pretty sure now the origins were from the enemy....the attack felt so vicious...it was literally breathtaking the horror of this...a living hell...I felt like dying...except I knew in death there is no God in hell...just the permanent absence of him...at least in life he was all around me...in the clouds...the faces of my children...the birds ...the rainbows...I started paying attention to ALL the little details...and I'd stubornly tell him that I was going to love him anyway...even if I was forsaken...that whilst ever I was alive...and could see the presence of him everywhere I was going to flatout adore him....
I have never been so terrified in my life...I hated every moment of these thoughts...of course the thoughts didn't just stop there....as soon as I learnt there was an unforgiveable sin...well yes my mind just went on thinking that.... the thoughts just kept getting worse...and all the while I'm floundering wondering how I could possibly think things that should never have even entered my mind in the first place....
At the time I was attending a little Anglican church...but stopped going as I got so embarrased sitting up the back of a small church every sunday wearing dark sunglasses and bawling my eyes out....nobody else cries in church??....I've started going to hillsong which is fantastic...such a beautiful church...and so huge that no one notices you sitting there crying your heart out every week....you blend in so much easier...
I've tried to talk to a few of the pastors about this...and nobody has ever heard of anything like this?....as soon as you say you have blasphemous thoughts about God they take a few steps backwards as if to say how could you....it's horrible...does anyone else find that so few people understand this? I feel like I'm the only one....and now I don't say anything to anyone...just suffer along in silence...I would give ANYTHING...to have pretty much any other trial thrown at me....I honestly cannot think of anything worse than this...
I came across the grantley blog and that smoothed things over for awhile...finally...i'm not alone...other people go through this....but why won't they (the thoughts) go away?
I started watching alot of christian TV during this time....alot of Joyce Meyer and Joseph Prince...which have helped remarkably...I keep remembering the words of Jesus...if you love me...you will obey my commandments....so I'm trying so hard to do all the right things....and I mean trying...I'm on a mission to try and be the best I can...as if by my actions I'm trying to prove to God that I don't mean these thoughts....I pray every day for him to take these thoughts away...to give me a heart like Jesus...the fruit of the spirit and all those lovely things...but I'm still waiting for the changes....
Joyce Meyer said something really powerful that I have been living my life by lately....do whats right when it all feels wrong....go out and be a blessing to someone else even when you are dying inside...so I have been busy trying to be a blessing everywhere...and honestly I love that...being a blessing has been fun...it has helped the feelings....but it hasn't stopped the thoughts
The thoughts are so bad it's despairing...They used to be just horrible ones about God...which were altogether gut wrenching...but then they progressed to a whole new level...where I feel like when I say Lord...it's like the enemys name will pop in and then I feel like being sick...I drive past my old church and have a thought like the house of the enemy...I have to drive past this church everyday to pick up my kids from school...and everytime I'm getting close to it...I start freaking out...in case I have that thought...or other similar...thoughts about the enemy...I can honestly officially say...the thoughts do not get any worse than this...I tossed up even writing about these thoughts here because I am so ashamed...but honestly I wonder how many others have thoughts as bad as this...is it just me?
Joyce Meyer talks alot about 'ruining the enemy's day' by being a blessing and basically not being riled by anything he throws at you...so I have turned this into a major life theme....I utterely HATE the enemy so much...that I basically refuse to be unforgiving to ANYONE (considering that I am going to be needing buckets of God's mercy) and also because I know just how much that ticks the enemy off...I feel like the enemy is ruining my life with these thoughts...so I am deadset determined to ruin his....I get stuck in a frustrating situation...I don't know like say...a one hour traffic jam...I just grin and bear it with a good spirit...why...because that would be making the enemy seethe...and afterall...compared to having these thoughts...ANYTHING looks like a bed of roses....
But then I wonder...what if these thoughts are me?...how ...just how...on earth can I possibly think these things....I often think that there is no way in a million years I could have prayed against this thing happening....I never could have even dreamt that you could find yourself in this situation having thoughts you never could have imagined thinking....it's a nightmare
The other greatest challenge in all this is I don't hear from God...I have no idea how to....all these other people talk about how the Lord spoke to them...or God told them to do this or that....and for me...nothing....silence...honestly God doesn't tell me anything...I am terrified of the bible....afraid I will have bad thoughts whilst reading it...thats why I like the tv preachers...I can get to hear the word without the paralising fear of blasphemous thoughts, or of reading a scary passage that I think applies directly to me....
One strange thing happened thoughout all of this...I think I experienced the baptism of the holy spirit (a warm physical sensation) and sometimes when I pray I have a pins and needles feeling....it sounds strange...I don't hear from God but I think I feel his tangible presence at times....anyone else have this experience or know what I mean?
I was baptised in water a couple of months ago and when I got out of the water a leader put her hands on me and prayed for me...when she finished she spoke the words.... "I sense there has been a great deal of sadness with you...but the Lord says that things are going to change and that he has a good plan for your life" this girl had never met me before in my life...I could have given her a massive hug...for the first time...I felt that God was still with me...still there...since I never hear from him personally it was such a relief to hear those words...how else could she have hit the nail on the head?
I look at all the other 'normal' christians and wonder exactly why this is happening to me...and why most of them have never even heard of this situation...and why can't I be just like them...I look at the worship team with beaming smiles and wish...wish...wish I was just like them...not necessarily on the worship team...no not at all.....just the beaming smile radically head over heels in love with God part....just like ANYONE else who loves Jesus without fear of having horrible thoughts....I just want the peace that Jesus gives...I'm still trying to find it...
This experience has so sharply put my entire life in perspective....there is nothing more terrifying...than believing in God....believing that the bible is absolutely correct....knowing that Jesus is the only hope unto eternal life....believing in hell...and then having a bunch of thoughts you don't want that you think are going to put you there....forever....and it's the forever part that gets me...it is utterely inconceivable....and all I want...all I long for is the relationship with God that just about everyone else in the christian world seems to be enjoying...I look around at half hearted christians and feel like giving them a shake...don't you know how lucky you are...to be able to sit in church without being terrorised and tormented...sort of thing....oh how I wish i could go back in time and be able to enjoy church....and worship music...the way I used to...without the constant fear...I miss the way it used to be, and don't know how to get it back....
I am so sorry about the long post...I really didn't mean for it to be this long...once I got started it just kept coming....anyway....I would love so much to hear the testimony of others....and what has helped....
I have been here a few times and the last times things were better...it all just seems so up and down....I suffer from blasphemous thoughts so horrific it makes me wonder how I even managed to be able to think these things in the first place.
This has been going on for about a year now...It started when I felt flat one day and spoke out loud to God saying that Satan's world is easier...(I didn't mean that I wanted anything to do with the enemy...I just didn't understand what was so wrong with sin)....I wanted to build a nice big house...have a bunch of nice things....and I felt guilty wanting those things I just didn't understand what life was all about....well I went inside opened up my bible and the first thing I read was a chapter where God was saying something like...you are my enemy..you pretend around my people and ended with the words...I will never let you in the garden where I would have offered you rest...I can't remember where in the bible this was as I closed my bible in fear and burst out crying asking him for forgiveness....certain that this was God talking directly to me...and why wouldn't he after what I said....afterall isn't the bible how God speaks to us?....I spent days feeling utterly cast out and terrified...I was a new christian too...I had not been in relationship long with God before all this started....
In about 0.5 seconds I understood the scripture...what does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul....I had just lost God (or so I thought)...eternally...who cares about a stupid house....and right now...from that day onward...I have been utterly completly cured of any materialism...All I want is God...absolutely nothing more or less...just him...thats it....but unfortunately the fun (not really fun) was just about to get started...
During this time a massive doorway must have been opened to the enemy because horrible thoughts started to happen....(before this day I never had any bad thoughts at all)...you h*** God....you h*** Jesus....the thoughts started....I was petrified...I started trying to read my bible but thought I'd play it safe by starting with the new testament...(I had become frightened of the old testament)...I had no sooner started Matthew and was reading about when Herod was looking for baby Jesus and this thought came ....you wanted him to find the baby.....like what??? I'm sure these thoughts were demonic...because I had thoughts like...this is what it feels like when God forsakes you...and one eerie thought that went like...haha your dead...it was horrifying and I truelly felt that I had been cast away....
At this time I had no idea we were in a spiritual war...I thought all these thoughts were mine...I'm pretty sure now the origins were from the enemy....the attack felt so vicious...it was literally breathtaking the horror of this...a living hell...I felt like dying...except I knew in death there is no God in hell...just the permanent absence of him...at least in life he was all around me...in the clouds...the faces of my children...the birds ...the rainbows...I started paying attention to ALL the little details...and I'd stubornly tell him that I was going to love him anyway...even if I was forsaken...that whilst ever I was alive...and could see the presence of him everywhere I was going to flatout adore him....
I have never been so terrified in my life...I hated every moment of these thoughts...of course the thoughts didn't just stop there....as soon as I learnt there was an unforgiveable sin...well yes my mind just went on thinking that.... the thoughts just kept getting worse...and all the while I'm floundering wondering how I could possibly think things that should never have even entered my mind in the first place....
At the time I was attending a little Anglican church...but stopped going as I got so embarrased sitting up the back of a small church every sunday wearing dark sunglasses and bawling my eyes out....nobody else cries in church??....I've started going to hillsong which is fantastic...such a beautiful church...and so huge that no one notices you sitting there crying your heart out every week....you blend in so much easier...
I've tried to talk to a few of the pastors about this...and nobody has ever heard of anything like this?....as soon as you say you have blasphemous thoughts about God they take a few steps backwards as if to say how could you....it's horrible...does anyone else find that so few people understand this? I feel like I'm the only one....and now I don't say anything to anyone...just suffer along in silence...I would give ANYTHING...to have pretty much any other trial thrown at me....I honestly cannot think of anything worse than this...
I came across the grantley blog and that smoothed things over for awhile...finally...i'm not alone...other people go through this....but why won't they (the thoughts) go away?
I started watching alot of christian TV during this time....alot of Joyce Meyer and Joseph Prince...which have helped remarkably...I keep remembering the words of Jesus...if you love me...you will obey my commandments....so I'm trying so hard to do all the right things....and I mean trying...I'm on a mission to try and be the best I can...as if by my actions I'm trying to prove to God that I don't mean these thoughts....I pray every day for him to take these thoughts away...to give me a heart like Jesus...the fruit of the spirit and all those lovely things...but I'm still waiting for the changes....
Joyce Meyer said something really powerful that I have been living my life by lately....do whats right when it all feels wrong....go out and be a blessing to someone else even when you are dying inside...so I have been busy trying to be a blessing everywhere...and honestly I love that...being a blessing has been fun...it has helped the feelings....but it hasn't stopped the thoughts
The thoughts are so bad it's despairing...They used to be just horrible ones about God...which were altogether gut wrenching...but then they progressed to a whole new level...where I feel like when I say Lord...it's like the enemys name will pop in and then I feel like being sick...I drive past my old church and have a thought like the house of the enemy...I have to drive past this church everyday to pick up my kids from school...and everytime I'm getting close to it...I start freaking out...in case I have that thought...or other similar...thoughts about the enemy...I can honestly officially say...the thoughts do not get any worse than this...I tossed up even writing about these thoughts here because I am so ashamed...but honestly I wonder how many others have thoughts as bad as this...is it just me?
Joyce Meyer talks alot about 'ruining the enemy's day' by being a blessing and basically not being riled by anything he throws at you...so I have turned this into a major life theme....I utterely HATE the enemy so much...that I basically refuse to be unforgiving to ANYONE (considering that I am going to be needing buckets of God's mercy) and also because I know just how much that ticks the enemy off...I feel like the enemy is ruining my life with these thoughts...so I am deadset determined to ruin his....I get stuck in a frustrating situation...I don't know like say...a one hour traffic jam...I just grin and bear it with a good spirit...why...because that would be making the enemy seethe...and afterall...compared to having these thoughts...ANYTHING looks like a bed of roses....
But then I wonder...what if these thoughts are me?...how ...just how...on earth can I possibly think these things....I often think that there is no way in a million years I could have prayed against this thing happening....I never could have even dreamt that you could find yourself in this situation having thoughts you never could have imagined thinking....it's a nightmare
The other greatest challenge in all this is I don't hear from God...I have no idea how to....all these other people talk about how the Lord spoke to them...or God told them to do this or that....and for me...nothing....silence...honestly God doesn't tell me anything...I am terrified of the bible....afraid I will have bad thoughts whilst reading it...thats why I like the tv preachers...I can get to hear the word without the paralising fear of blasphemous thoughts, or of reading a scary passage that I think applies directly to me....
One strange thing happened thoughout all of this...I think I experienced the baptism of the holy spirit (a warm physical sensation) and sometimes when I pray I have a pins and needles feeling....it sounds strange...I don't hear from God but I think I feel his tangible presence at times....anyone else have this experience or know what I mean?
I was baptised in water a couple of months ago and when I got out of the water a leader put her hands on me and prayed for me...when she finished she spoke the words.... "I sense there has been a great deal of sadness with you...but the Lord says that things are going to change and that he has a good plan for your life" this girl had never met me before in my life...I could have given her a massive hug...for the first time...I felt that God was still with me...still there...since I never hear from him personally it was such a relief to hear those words...how else could she have hit the nail on the head?
I look at all the other 'normal' christians and wonder exactly why this is happening to me...and why most of them have never even heard of this situation...and why can't I be just like them...I look at the worship team with beaming smiles and wish...wish...wish I was just like them...not necessarily on the worship team...no not at all.....just the beaming smile radically head over heels in love with God part....just like ANYONE else who loves Jesus without fear of having horrible thoughts....I just want the peace that Jesus gives...I'm still trying to find it...
This experience has so sharply put my entire life in perspective....there is nothing more terrifying...than believing in God....believing that the bible is absolutely correct....knowing that Jesus is the only hope unto eternal life....believing in hell...and then having a bunch of thoughts you don't want that you think are going to put you there....forever....and it's the forever part that gets me...it is utterely inconceivable....and all I want...all I long for is the relationship with God that just about everyone else in the christian world seems to be enjoying...I look around at half hearted christians and feel like giving them a shake...don't you know how lucky you are...to be able to sit in church without being terrorised and tormented...sort of thing....oh how I wish i could go back in time and be able to enjoy church....and worship music...the way I used to...without the constant fear...I miss the way it used to be, and don't know how to get it back....
I am so sorry about the long post...I really didn't mean for it to be this long...once I got started it just kept coming....anyway....I would love so much to hear the testimony of others....and what has helped....
Hi there
I have been here a few times and the last times things were better...it all just seems so up and down....I suffer from blasphemous thoughts so horrific it makes me wonder how I even managed to be able to think these things in the first place.
This has been going on for about a year now...It started when I felt flat one day and spoke out loud to God saying that Satan's world is easier...(I didn't mean that I wanted anything to do with the enemy...I just didn't understand what was so wrong with sin)....I wanted to build a nice big house...have a bunch of nice things....and I felt guilty wanting those things I just didn't understand what life was all about....well I went inside opened up my bible and the first thing I read was a chapter where God was saying something like...you are my enemy..you pretend around my people and ended with the words...I will never let you in the garden where I would have offered you rest...I can't remember where in the bible this was as I closed my bible in fear and burst out crying asking him for forgiveness....certain that this was God talking directly to me...and why wouldn't he after what I said....afterall isn't the bible how God speaks to us?....I spent days feeling utterly cast out and terrified...I was a new christian too...I had not been in relationship long with God before all this started....
In about 0.5 seconds I understood the scripture...what does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul....I had just lost God (or so I thought)...eternally...who cares about a stupid house....and right now...from that day onward...I have been utterly completly cured of any materialism...All I want is God...absolutely nothing more or less...just him...thats it....but unfortunately the fun (not really fun) was just about to get started...
During this time a massive doorway must have been opened to the enemy because horrible thoughts started to happen....(before this day I never had any bad thoughts at all)...you h*** God....you h*** Jesus....the thoughts started....I was petrified...I started trying to read my bible but thought I'd play it safe by starting with the new testament...(I had become frightened of the old testament)...I had no sooner started Matthew and was reading about when Herod was looking for baby Jesus and this thought came ....you wanted him to find the baby.....like what??? I'm sure these thoughts were demonic...because I had thoughts like...this is what it feels like when God forsakes you...and one eerie thought that went like...haha your dead...it was horrifying and I truelly felt that I had been cast away....
At this time I had no idea we were in a spiritual war...I thought all these thoughts were mine...I'm pretty sure now the origins were from the enemy....the attack felt so vicious...it was literally breathtaking the horror of this...a living hell...I felt like dying...except I knew in death there is no God in hell...just the permanent absence of him...at least in life he was all around me...in the clouds...the faces of my children...the birds ...the rainbows...I started paying attention to ALL the little details...and I'd stubornly tell him that I was going to love him anyway...even if I was forsaken...that whilst ever I was alive...and could see the presence of him everywhere I was going to flatout adore him....
I have never been so terrified in my life...I hated every moment of these thoughts...of course the thoughts didn't just stop there....as soon as I learnt there was an unforgiveable sin...well yes my mind just went on thinking that.... the thoughts just kept getting worse...and all the while I'm floundering wondering how I could possibly think things that should never have even entered my mind in the first place....
At the time I was attending a little Anglican church...but stopped going as I got so embarrased sitting up the back of a small church every sunday wearing dark sunglasses and bawling my eyes out....nobody else cries in church??....I've started going to hillsong which is fantastic...such a beautiful church...and so huge that no one notices you sitting there crying your heart out every week....you blend in so much easier...
I've tried to talk to a few of the pastors about this...and nobody has ever heard of anything like this?....as soon as you say you have blasphemous thoughts about God they take a few steps backwards as if to say how could you....it's horrible...does anyone else find that so few people understand this? I feel like I'm the only one....and now I don't say anything to anyone...just suffer along in silence...I would give ANYTHING...to have pretty much any other trial thrown at me....I honestly cannot think of anything worse than this...
I came across the grantley blog and that smoothed things over for awhile...finally...i'm not alone...other people go through this....but why won't they (the thoughts) go away?
I started watching alot of christian TV during this time....alot of Joyce Meyer and Joseph Prince...which have helped remarkably...I keep remembering the words of Jesus...if you love me...you will obey my commandments....so I'm trying so hard to do all the right things....and I mean trying...I'm on a mission to try and be the best I can...as if by my actions I'm trying to prove to God that I don't mean these thoughts....I pray every day for him to take these thoughts away...to give me a heart like Jesus...the fruit of the spirit and all those lovely things...but I'm still waiting for the changes....
Joyce Meyer said something really powerful that I have been living my life by lately....do whats right when it all feels wrong....go out and be a blessing to someone else even when you are dying inside...so I have been busy trying to be a blessing everywhere...and honestly I love that...being a blessing has been fun...it has helped the feelings....but it hasn't stopped the thoughts
The thoughts are so bad it's despairing...They used to be just horrible ones about God...which were altogether gut wrenching...but then they progressed to a whole new level...where I feel like when I say Lord...it's like the enemys name will pop in and then I feel like being sick...I drive past my old church and have a thought like the house of the enemy...I have to drive past this church everyday to pick up my kids from school...and everytime I'm getting close to it...I start freaking out...in case I have that thought...or other similar...thoughts about the enemy...I can honestly officially say...the thoughts do not get any worse than this...I tossed up even writing about these thoughts here because I am so ashamed...but honestly I wonder how many others have thoughts as bad as this...is it just me?
Joyce Meyer talks alot about 'ruining the enemy's day' by being a blessing and basically not being riled by anything he throws at you...so I have turned this into a major life theme....I utterely HATE the enemy so much...that I basically refuse to be unforgiving to ANYONE (considering that I am going to be needing buckets of God's mercy) and also because I know just how much that ticks the enemy off...I feel like the enemy is ruining my life with these thoughts...so I am deadset determined to ruin his....I get stuck in a frustrating situation...I don't know like say...a one hour traffic jam...I just grin and bear it with a good spirit...why...because that would be making the enemy seethe...and afterall...compared to having these thoughts...ANYTHING looks like a bed of roses....
But then I wonder...what if these thoughts are me?...how ...just how...on earth can I possibly think these things....I often think that there is no way in a million years I could have prayed against this thing happening....I never could have even dreamt that you could find yourself in this situation having thoughts you never could have imagined thinking....it's a nightmare
The other greatest challenge in all this is I don't hear from God...I have no idea how to....all these other people talk about how the Lord spoke to them...or God told them to do this or that....and for me...nothing....silence...honestly God doesn't tell me anything...I am terrified of the bible....afraid I will have bad thoughts whilst reading it...thats why I like the tv preachers...I can get to hear the word without the paralising fear of blasphemous thoughts, or of reading a scary passage that I think applies directly to me....
One strange thing happened thoughout all of this...I think I experienced the baptism of the holy spirit (a warm physical sensation) and sometimes when I pray I have a pins and needles feeling....it sounds strange...I don't hear from God but I think I feel his tangible presence at times....anyone else have this experience or know what I mean?
I was baptised in water a couple of months ago and when I got out of the water a leader put her hands on me and prayed for me...when she finished she spoke the words.... "I sense there has been a great deal of sadness with you...but the Lord says that things are going to change and that he has a good plan for your life" this girl had never met me before in my life...I could have given her a massive hug...for the first time...I felt that God was still with me...still there...since I never hear from him personally it was such a relief to hear those words...how else could she have hit the nail on the head?
I look at all the other 'normal' christians and wonder exactly why this is happening to me...and why most of them have never even heard of this situation...and why can't I be just like them...I look at the worship team with beaming smiles and wish...wish...wish I was just like them...not necessarily on the worship team...no not at all.....just the beaming smile radically head over heels in love with God part....just like ANYONE else who loves Jesus without fear of having horrible thoughts....I just want the peace that Jesus gives...I'm still trying to find it...
This experience has so sharply put my entire life in perspective....there is nothing more terrifying...than believing in God....believing that the bible is absolutely correct....knowing that Jesus is the only hope unto eternal life....believing in hell...and then having a bunch of thoughts you don't want that you think are going to put you there....forever....and it's the forever part that gets me...it is utterely inconceivable....and all I want...all I long for is the relationship with God that just about everyone else in the christian world seems to be enjoying...I look around at half hearted christians and feel like giving them a shake...don't you know how lucky you are...to be able to sit in church without being terrorised and tormented...sort of thing....oh how I wish i could go back in time and be able to enjoy church....and worship music...the way I used to...without the constant fear...I miss the way it used to be, and don't know how to get it back....
I am so sorry about the long post...I really didn't mean for it to be this long...once I got started it just kept coming....anyway....I would love so much to hear the testimony of others....and what has helped....
Hi there
I have been here a few times and the last times things were better...it all just seems so up and down....I suffer from blasphemous thoughts so horrific it makes me wonder how I even managed to be able to think these things in the first place.
This has been going on for about a year now...It started when I felt flat one day and spoke out loud to God saying that Satan's world is easier...(I didn't mean that I wanted anything to do with the enemy...I just didn't understand what was so wrong with sin)....I wanted to build a nice big house...have a bunch of nice things....and I felt guilty wanting those things I just didn't understand what life was all about....well I went inside opened up my bible and the first thing I read was a chapter where God was saying something like...you are my enemy..you pretend around my people and ended with the words...I will never let you in the garden where I would have offered you rest...I can't remember where in the bible this was as I closed my bible in fear and burst out crying asking him for forgiveness....certain that this was God talking directly to me...and why wouldn't he after what I said....afterall isn't the bible how God speaks to us?....I spent days feeling utterly cast out and terrified...I was a new christian too...I had not been in relationship long with God before all this started....
In about 0.5 seconds I understood the scripture...what does it profit a man to gain the world and lose his soul....I had just lost God (or so I thought)...eternally...who cares about a stupid house....and right now...from that day onward...I have been utterly completly cured of any materialism...All I want is God...absolutely nothing more or less...just him...thats it....but unfortunately the fun (not really fun) was just about to get started...
During this time a massive doorway must have been opened to the enemy because horrible thoughts started to happen....(before this day I never had any bad thoughts at all)...you h*** God....you h*** Jesus....the thoughts started....I was petrified...I started trying to read my bible but thought I'd play it safe by starting with the new testament...(I had become frightened of the old testament)...I had no sooner started Matthew and was reading about when Herod was looking for baby Jesus and this thought came ....you wanted him to find the baby.....like what??? I'm sure these thoughts were demonic...because I had thoughts like...this is what it feels like when God forsakes you...and one eerie thought that went like...haha your dead...it was horrifying and I truelly felt that I had been cast away....
At this time I had no idea we were in a spiritual war...I thought all these thoughts were mine...I'm pretty sure now the origins were from the enemy....the attack felt so vicious...it was literally breathtaking the horror of this...a living hell...I felt like dying...except I knew in death there is no God in hell...just the permanent absence of him...at least in life he was all around me...in the clouds...the faces of my children...the birds ...the rainbows...I started paying attention to ALL the little details...and I'd stubornly tell him that I was going to love him anyway...even if I was forsaken...that whilst ever I was alive...and could see the presence of him everywhere I was going to flatout adore him....
I have never been so terrified in my life...I hated every moment of these thoughts...of course the thoughts didn't just stop there....as soon as I learnt there was an unforgiveable sin...well yes my mind just went on thinking that.... the thoughts just kept getting worse...and all the while I'm floundering wondering how I could possibly think things that should never have even entered my mind in the first place....
At the time I was attending a little Anglican church...but stopped going as I got so embarrased sitting up the back of a small church every sunday wearing dark sunglasses and bawling my eyes out....nobody else cries in church??....I've started going to hillsong which is fantastic...such a beautiful church...and so huge that no one notices you sitting there crying your heart out every week....you blend in so much easier...
I've tried to talk to a few of the pastors about this...and nobody has ever heard of anything like this?....as soon as you say you have blasphemous thoughts about God they take a few steps backwards as if to say how could you....it's horrible...does anyone else find that so few people understand this? I feel like I'm the only one....and now I don't say anything to anyone...just suffer along in silence...I would give ANYTHING...to have pretty much any other trial thrown at me....I honestly cannot think of anything worse than this...
I came across the grantley blog and that smoothed things over for awhile...finally...i'm not alone...other people go through this....but why won't they (the thoughts) go away?
I started watching alot of christian TV during this time....alot of Joyce Meyer and Joseph Prince...which have helped remarkably...I keep remembering the words of Jesus...if you love me...you will obey my commandments....so I'm trying so hard to do all the right things....and I mean trying...I'm on a mission to try and be the best I can...as if by my actions I'm trying to prove to God that I don't mean these thoughts....I pray every day for him to take these thoughts away...to give me a heart like Jesus...the fruit of the spirit and all those lovely things...but I'm still waiting for the changes....
Joyce Meyer said something really powerful that I have been living my life by lately....do whats right when it all feels wrong....go out and be a blessing to someone else even when you are dying inside...so I have been busy trying to be a blessing everywhere...and honestly I love that...being a blessing has been fun...it has helped the feelings....but it hasn't stopped the thoughts
The thoughts are so bad it's despairing...They used to be just horrible ones about God...which were altogether gut wrenching...but then they progressed to a whole new level...where I feel like when I say Lord...it's like the enemys name will pop in and then I feel like being sick...I drive past my old church and have a thought like the house of the enemy...I have to drive past this church everyday to pick up my kids from school...and everytime I'm getting close to it...I start freaking out...in case I have that thought...or other similar...thoughts about the enemy...I can honestly officially say...the thoughts do not get any worse than this...I tossed up even writing about these thoughts here because I am so ashamed...but honestly I wonder how many others have thoughts as bad as this...is it just me?
Joyce Meyer talks alot about 'ruining the enemy's day' by being a blessing and basically not being riled by anything he throws at you...so I have turned this into a major life theme....I utterely HATE the enemy so much...that I basically refuse to be unforgiving to ANYONE (considering that I am going to be needing buckets of God's mercy) and also because I know just how much that ticks the enemy off...I feel like the enemy is ruining my life with these thoughts...so I am deadset determined to ruin his....I get stuck in a frustrating situation...I don't know like say...a one hour traffic jam...I just grin and bear it with a good spirit...why...because that would be making the enemy seethe...and afterall...compared to having these thoughts...ANYTHING looks like a bed of roses....
But then I wonder...what if these thoughts are me?...how ...just how...on earth can I possibly think these things....I often think that there is no way in a million years I could have prayed against this thing happening....I never could have even dreamt that you could find yourself in this situation having thoughts you never could have imagined thinking....it's a nightmare
The other greatest challenge in all this is I don't hear from God...I have no idea how to....all these other people talk about how the Lord spoke to them...or God told them to do this or that....and for me...nothing....silence...honestly God doesn't tell me anything...I am terrified of the bible....afraid I will have bad thoughts whilst reading it...thats why I like the tv preachers...I can get to hear the word without the paralising fear of blasphemous thoughts, or of reading a scary passage that I think applies directly to me....
One strange thing happened thoughout all of this...I think I experienced the baptism of the holy spirit (a warm physical sensation) and sometimes when I pray I have a pins and needles feeling....it sounds strange...I don't hear from God but I think I feel his tangible presence at times....anyone else have this experience or know what I mean?
I was baptised in water a couple of months ago and when I got out of the water a leader put her hands on me and prayed for me...when she finished she spoke the words.... "I sense there has been a great deal of sadness with you...but the Lord says that things are going to change and that he has a good plan for your life" this girl had never met me before in my life...I could have given her a massive hug...for the first time...I felt that God was still with me...still there...since I never hear from him personally it was such a relief to hear those words...how else could she have hit the nail on the head?
I look at all the other 'normal' christians and wonder exactly why this is happening to me...and why most of them have never even heard of this situation...and why can't I be just like them...I look at the worship team with beaming smiles and wish...wish...wish I was just like them...not necessarily on the worship team...no not at all.....just the beaming smile radically head over heels in love with God part....just like ANYONE else who loves Jesus without fear of having horrible thoughts....I just want the peace that Jesus gives...I'm still trying to find it...
This experience has so sharply put my entire life in perspective....there is nothing more terrifying...than believing in God....believing that the bible is absolutely correct....knowing that Jesus is the only hope unto eternal life....believing in hell...and then having a bunch of thoughts you don't want that you think are going to put you there....forever....and it's the forever part that gets me...it is utterely inconceivable....and all I want...all I long for is the relationship with God that just about everyone else in the christian world seems to be enjoying...I look around at half hearted christians and feel like giving them a shake...don't you know how lucky you are...to be able to sit in church without being terrorised and tormented...sort of thing....oh how I wish i could go back in time and be able to enjoy church....and worship music...the way I used to...without the constant fear...I miss the way it used to be, and don't know how to get it back....
I am so sorry about the long post...I really didn't mean for it to be this long...once I got started it just kept coming....anyway....I would love so much to hear the testimony of others....and what has helped.
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