Lately I have been feeling alone and on a downward spiral more than usual and I don't know what to do or where to go. All my life I have grown up being alone. My parents divorced and from the time I can remember them being together they were always fighting. I have had to pretty much teach myself everything I know. There are a lot of things I have missed out on that I feel like I should have had the experience like going to my first prom, having a highschool sweet heart, some one teaching me basic life skills like how to cook and do my laundry, the list goes on.
A lot has happened lately in my life lately that has tested my faith in the good lord. Last summer I went and seen my dad for the first time in a long time. To make a long story short he told me he was not going to drink while I was visiting but he was drunk and that was something I was trying to get a way from myself. I ended up arguing with my dad and leaving him on the side of a highway and went back home which was about 8 hours away. The drive home was a long blame trip about how it was my dads fault that I was the way I was. Two days later I was sitting at work and received a phone call that my dad had a heart attack in a hotel room that he was living out of. I was crushed by the news but there was this one girl in my life that I went to consult. I had been talking to this one girl dating on and off for quite some time. I was in love with her. She comforts me and I begin the grieving process over my dad.
Fast forward a few weeks (funeral has passed and everything) and I get a text message from this girl saying she is talking to another guy and that she just wanted to be friends. I tried texting her back and expressing how much I needed her in my life at the current moment but she never responds back. A couple days later I am served papers for a restraining order to stay away from the girl that I cared so much about. To this day I don't know why I was served these papers. Not having anyone else to talk to I tried to consult some of my family members but they don't want to talk because they are all trying to figure out who is covering the cost of my dads funeral.
At this point I was really depressed and border line mentally stable. A lot was running through my mind. So much that I couldn't deal with it and finally lost it. I didn't want my life anymore god could have it back. I started blaming god for the way things where. I ended up driving to my local college which had a nature walk to get alone. With me was a fifth of alcohol. I wanted to forget everything and drank the whole fifth in about twenty minutes just sitting there staring at the sky wondering was god really there and if he was, was he punishing me for something I had done. Did I deserve this. I felt so down that I didn't want to live anymore. I drove to my local church parking lot and sat in my car. Staring at two pieces of burning charcoal. I began to feel dizzy and then I drifted off. I began to see St. Peter and he told me that while I lived a good life that I would be denied into heaven because I quit on life. Then everything began to fade away. I was gasping for error and as my vision came back into focus I was being dragged away from my car by a paramedic. Still gasping for air I felt an oxygen mask put over my face and all I could hear was some one say "we got to get him to the hospital quick!".
Once again fast forward a few days, I am sitting in a mental institution. Involuntarily admitted for suicidal tendencies. I sat in a cold room with nothing but a mattress for a week straight did not talk to anyone, barely ate, and just sat there and and stared at a concrete wall trying to gather everything that had recently happened in my life. Where did things go wrong and of course the question I asked my several times over and over, WHY GOD WHY!?
Eventually I was released and went back to my normal life of the usual working and eating cold tv dinners at night alone. This is where I stand to day. I tried taking cooking lesson but for some reason it is something I can not grasp but I will continue trying. I have not spoke to any girls in quite some time. Sometimes I will approach a beautiful girl but it always ends being she is not interested or that she has a boyfriend. I do not go to church any more but I still do believe in god and I still pray to him but it seems like my prayers go unanswered.
I tried talking to several therapists but they doesn't understand and it seems like they just want my money to giving me a feeling of comfort that only lasts for so long until I am in their office again. Please if anyone is reading this please respond. I need someone to talk to anyone. I am really alone right now and I feel my sense of sanity drifting away. Please someone respond I have a lot more to share and I really need help.
A lot has happened lately in my life lately that has tested my faith in the good lord. Last summer I went and seen my dad for the first time in a long time. To make a long story short he told me he was not going to drink while I was visiting but he was drunk and that was something I was trying to get a way from myself. I ended up arguing with my dad and leaving him on the side of a highway and went back home which was about 8 hours away. The drive home was a long blame trip about how it was my dads fault that I was the way I was. Two days later I was sitting at work and received a phone call that my dad had a heart attack in a hotel room that he was living out of. I was crushed by the news but there was this one girl in my life that I went to consult. I had been talking to this one girl dating on and off for quite some time. I was in love with her. She comforts me and I begin the grieving process over my dad.
Fast forward a few weeks (funeral has passed and everything) and I get a text message from this girl saying she is talking to another guy and that she just wanted to be friends. I tried texting her back and expressing how much I needed her in my life at the current moment but she never responds back. A couple days later I am served papers for a restraining order to stay away from the girl that I cared so much about. To this day I don't know why I was served these papers. Not having anyone else to talk to I tried to consult some of my family members but they don't want to talk because they are all trying to figure out who is covering the cost of my dads funeral.
At this point I was really depressed and border line mentally stable. A lot was running through my mind. So much that I couldn't deal with it and finally lost it. I didn't want my life anymore god could have it back. I started blaming god for the way things where. I ended up driving to my local college which had a nature walk to get alone. With me was a fifth of alcohol. I wanted to forget everything and drank the whole fifth in about twenty minutes just sitting there staring at the sky wondering was god really there and if he was, was he punishing me for something I had done. Did I deserve this. I felt so down that I didn't want to live anymore. I drove to my local church parking lot and sat in my car. Staring at two pieces of burning charcoal. I began to feel dizzy and then I drifted off. I began to see St. Peter and he told me that while I lived a good life that I would be denied into heaven because I quit on life. Then everything began to fade away. I was gasping for error and as my vision came back into focus I was being dragged away from my car by a paramedic. Still gasping for air I felt an oxygen mask put over my face and all I could hear was some one say "we got to get him to the hospital quick!".
Once again fast forward a few days, I am sitting in a mental institution. Involuntarily admitted for suicidal tendencies. I sat in a cold room with nothing but a mattress for a week straight did not talk to anyone, barely ate, and just sat there and and stared at a concrete wall trying to gather everything that had recently happened in my life. Where did things go wrong and of course the question I asked my several times over and over, WHY GOD WHY!?
Eventually I was released and went back to my normal life of the usual working and eating cold tv dinners at night alone. This is where I stand to day. I tried taking cooking lesson but for some reason it is something I can not grasp but I will continue trying. I have not spoke to any girls in quite some time. Sometimes I will approach a beautiful girl but it always ends being she is not interested or that she has a boyfriend. I do not go to church any more but I still do believe in god and I still pray to him but it seems like my prayers go unanswered.
I tried talking to several therapists but they doesn't understand and it seems like they just want my money to giving me a feeling of comfort that only lasts for so long until I am in their office again. Please if anyone is reading this please respond. I need someone to talk to anyone. I am really alone right now and I feel my sense of sanity drifting away. Please someone respond I have a lot more to share and I really need help.
